Intermission

Because I need a break in talking about HOW I AM NOT IN LABOR YET, I decided to scan some photos from this kind of hilarious cookbook I found in my office last week. And then say semi-funny things about the photos, like I'm James Lileks and the Gallery of Regrettable Food or something.*

Click here for the The Company Cookbook: A Journey Through the Center of the Middle of the Shredded Cheddar Cheese Universe

*I am so not James Lileks and the Gallery of Regrettable Food or something. I'm just bored and again, NOT IN LABOR YET.

(EDITED TO ADD: Before everybody thinks I'm taking easy potshots at the gentle Midwesterners and their love of the Hotdish and Cream of Mushroom soup, let me state for the record that this company is located in Florida. Which makes zero sense, I know, but yes, Florida.)

(And it's always okay to make fun of Florida, right?)

Comments

[Lori]

When you begin looking for nosehairs, ask the doctor to induce. I feel for you--deeply. Won't be long now!

[Shelly]

OMG ... I can't believe that you've resorted to this. I'm so very sorry. BABY COME OUT NOW, FOR THE LOVE OF G*D!

[Lisa]

My mom makes that "Green Dessert" except she calls it "Watergate Salad."

{insert Nixon joke here]

[Jr. League Dropout]

I am literally laughing out loud at work. In between gag reflexes.

[Lori]

Actually, the cleverly named "Green Dessert" provided a welcome respite from all the other hideously monochromatic excrescence on offer. Could anyone else feel her arteries hardening? And that--that STUFF draped in dried beef looked like a monster cow pat.

[karen]

That is the funniest *and* most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I will never look at shredded cheese the same again.

[Kdog]

Oh my god, had to delurk to say that you are one lucky lady to have found the cookbook. It is out of control hilarious. I have never seen a collection of such unappetizing dishes. I bet the DC Foodie LOVES that cookbook and is jealous that his family doesn't have such delicious recipes.

[xtine]

I think I'm going to be sick.

[kathy]

Wow. You really need to have a baby. Right. fucking. now.

Although now I am thinking about breakfast casseroles.

[Zoe]

Hee. I especially loved this part: Recommended wine: Beer. Also: Dayum, them people be lovin' their fluorescent orange cheese!

Also: BABALAH, COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE! (She adds hastily before the very pregnant woman comes to beat her with a stick). (You did say your doctor wouldn't let you go past your due date, didn't you? So will he be inducing tomorrow? Sorry for my complete and utter nosiness).

[scoutsadie]

Saw the notify msg in my inbox and thought, "OH BOY - HER WATER BROKE!" (Of course, had that happened, you'd probably have a few things to do other than post online, but still.)

Too bad for you that this wasn't the case... but frankly, cheese excites me almost as much (no offense). Yay cheese!

[~L.]

I never thought that cheese could look UNappetizing. But now that I know, I want to go back and not look at that cookbook. Because, gross.

[JustLinda]

So, what... are you saying you're not in labor yet? hahahah Just teasing. Good luck with all that. And I may not read the cooking stuff. I mean, my chef does all that for me so why should I worry about it. Oh, sure... it's Chef Boy-r-dee but still...

[Fellow editor]

Has anyone ever seen the site that comments on the old Weight Watchers recipe cards? Your gallery is so much like it!

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards/czarina.html

This site cracks me up every time.

PS: Sending you labor-inducing thoughts! Good luck!

[Rachel]

Delurking for the very first time to say I have never silently laughed so hard. I love the tots n beef with the mini grill that looks like it was Photoshopped in!

[greencanary]

The scariest part of all is that those recipes probably taste damn good. Sort of like the green jello mold the little old ladies make for the church meet-n-greets. Bring on the shaved carrots in Jello!

Mmmm...

[Isabel]

Okay, the pictures were not good for me to see. Especially because I am still dealing with the horror that is morning/all day sickness (just one more week of this). And what's with all the cheese and meat? Have any of these people heard of a freakin' vegtable??

Good luck with going into labor.

[Cagey]

Be sure to check out Lileks' new book coming October 25th called Mommy Knows Worst - think of books with "really bad parenting advice"! How appropriate could THAT be at this time of year for us??

[lizardek]

Hilarious!! You are pure genius, Amalah.

[Elizabeth]

Is the company headquarted in Minnesota? Because those people love them some Hot Dish casseroles! It's the cheese, jello and cream of whatever soup that gives it away, you betcha!

[Manda]

holy jesus, i can't breathe. that is too freaking funny.
is that company based in wisconsin perhaps? because it sounds like everything i had to eat as a kid. minus the clam balls (thems too fancy! ;) ) or the mold balls (ew).

[Amytoo]

I didn't think ANYTHING could put me off breakfast food. But. Ugh. Just...ugh.

Also? I love the food "styling." It looks just like it's from "Gourmet" or "Food & Wine" or something! LOL. Maybe not "Cooking Light" so much. Heh-heh.

[andi]

Okay, who else wants to eat lasagne with elbow macaroni? SERiously, amalah, i must have the recipe...

[baileyswedishfish]

What's the problem? I live in Minnesota. That's the state food here. Tater Tot Hotdish. Green Dessert. I have PERSONALLY eaten several of those breakfast casseroles. (Quickly followed by several Tums and a St. Joe's aspirin, because, you have to protect your heart.)

Honestly. Don't you people realize the middle of the country really likes cheese in every manner mixed with canned soups and sausage? Please.

Amalah, dear. Please. Have. That. Baby. Soon.

I feel for you. I'm sure the whole internet universe feels for you.

Happy Birth Thoughts!!!
~~~~oohhmmmmlaboroohhhmmm~~~~

[Yammer]

I feel the need to stand up for Minnesota except that I have been to plenty of potlucks that I know that I saw those exact dishes served at them.

[amalah]

Yes...except...this company is based in Florida.

[Zoot]

I am having one of my lactose intolerance stomach cramps after viewing that album. Thank you.

Am also now constipated.

[Stephanie]

O'my GAWD...I think that company totally swiped my mom's recipe box and tried to pass it off as original. I was forced to eat that crap for 18 years before I escaped. Would you be surprised to learn that I'm now a vegetarian? After I stopped shuddering with horrible childhood memories, I laughed until I wet my pants. Good stuff, Amy.

[Stacy]

That was hilarious! Maybe you can laugh babalah out!!

[jamielynnlynn]

Blegh. What's a good cheese to do when it goes bad in a nasty recipe?

Now, put lil' man squishy close to the monitor, as I know he will come out reading (and helping mommy write her blogs):

De-liv-er! De-liv-er! De-liv-er!

PS. I love watergate (green dessert) salad, almost as much as pretzel salad. Mmm. Mmmm. The redneck comes out full force.

[Dre]

Delurking because, well, I snorted when I saw the Mexican gravy. Who thinks adding salsa to Heinz gravy is a good idea? And then says...mmmm, I'll add some water and Mrs. Dash. Ewww. Also, people, it's Wisconsin that's famous for the cheese, not so much Minnesota. And lastly, best wishes for a speedy delivery of Babalah.

[lissa]

Ew. Gross. Ew. And I LIKE cheese. The things those people have done to cheese are just wrong. And what the hell is up with anyone using that jarred beef for anything they want people to eat? I shall never serve anything from this to my friends; I want to keep them as friends.

[Kate]

Clams have balls?

[Shiz]

You make that SO FUUUUUUUNY.

[Dabney]

I am sure Jason will be thrilled with these recipies once you take up cookinh in all of your "free time."

[gosia]

eeuu... that's some ugly food... Florida, eh?

[Eulallia]

Oh, yuck. That Mexican Gravy looks like someone puked on her burrito.

[Katie]

Those are some of the grossest looking recipes I have ever seen... and I'm from KY. I've seen a lot of gross looking recipes. In fact, they were so gross that I de-lurked after a year of...erm...lurking, to leave this comment about the grossness.

Thanks for the humorous distraction from the paper I'm supposed to be writing! :)

And best wishes for the babalah!

[Peyton]

That was hysterical!

I'm not eating anything with cheese any time soon, ug.

I predict your water will break when you laugh especially hard! :-)

[Jenn (MDH)]

I moved from the Midwest (Missouri) almost 10 years ago and haven't had a casserole (hot dish) since. Thank goodness.

I will say that Green Dessert was pretty tasty last time I had it. As mentioned previously, we called it Watergate salad.

I was looking through an old company produced cookbook from my teen years a few months ago and was astounded at all the Cream of Mushroom soup. Egads.

Puke.

[Sara]

If this is the stuff you're going to put out while not in labor, then I hope there's at least one more day. This is some funny shit. I think my favorites are the stuffed chiles and the scary pile o' meat. I'm surprised there isn't more gravy in those recipes.
But seriously, best wishes to you and your family. Hope you are feeling well and that labor comes "naturally" soon!

[Julie]

I have never seen so much cheese in my entire life.

[ginger]

See, I know it's from Florida because they used an orchid as a garnish, and because there was a Tampa Bay Bucs coffee cup in there, hiding behind someone's Heart Attack Breakfast on carefully coordinated Nuclear Orange Fiestaware.
Was anyone else confused by the tater-tots dinner? I'm not just talking about the idea of tater tots over cream o'mushroom soup and ground beef - The Atherosclerotic Shepherd's Pie - but the scale and concept problems arising from the choice of a Smoky Joe Weber grill as a table accent.
So puzzling. Maybe they grill tater tots at Company? That seems...flammable.

Hey! Maybe that's where charcoal briquettes come from!

[Jeanne]

OH MY. I'm reading this during my deathly long Visual Perception lecture...trying to hide behind my laptop screen so that my muffled snickering won't get noticed. Um, I think I failed in that. BUT AWESOME picture scanning skills!

[megan]

Holy crap. Thank you, Amy. I totally needed that today!

(What? That maniacal giggling sound? Yeah, that's me.)

[babibi]

the food is hysterical. your commentary is priceless. i especially loved the "broccoli salad". hahahahahahahaha.

wish you and the little one all the best.

[Megan]

Why, oh why, did all of the cheese dishes look as though they were covered in melted neon yellow crayons?

[deb]

ohmylord! Never, ever! breakfast? I didn't notice any wine recommendations with the breakfast casseroles. Guess I'm on my own. Think white zin will do? -- All 5 kinds of cheese in that cheese ball -- whoa! I am flat amazed!

[Melissa]

I heart cheese so much.
But that managed to make cheese look like ass.
And who took those pictures? I hope they didn't actually pay someone for that...

[Kelli]

some might say the secret ingredient is salt!

[Shiz]

I love that the cheese-filled jalapenos wrapped in (not quite cooked) bacon had a whole tomato in the center, because hot damn that makes me want to dig in!

[Kathleen]

And mustard. Because Diana is batshit crazy.

Hah! Oh you make me laugh so!

Here's hoping this makes you laugh hard enough to go into labor.

*toasts with breakfast casserole*

[Jenn]

I cannot wrap my brain around "jarred dried beef" for some reason. Is it a cousin of canned beef jerky?

Also, we had a barbeque a few years ago and someone brought sausage balls. I still see them in my nightmares.

[Diana]

Oh my god, you crack me up! I can't believe this is what you are doing when you are second away for having a baby! I love it though!

[Peyton]

Amalah, dear, if you want a good laugh, go to

http://www.westonaprice.org/children/recipes.html

This is a homemade baby formula recipe. It will turn your stomach.

[E.]

It is clear the baby has not arrived because Amalah had some unfinished work to do. If she had a cuddly little babalah at home, there would be no way that post would have ever been written.

And we all would have been the poorer.

My aunt once made chicken enchiladas with mushroom soup and sour cream. My neighbor once invited me over for Fettucine Alfredo and served me some sort of pasta in Velveeta Cheese, milk, and green onion sauce. These people must be stopped.

[pea]

OMG

The Pac Man Carcass/Five Cheese Ball stopped me dead in my tracks! Put an "X" where his little Pac-eye would be and serve it on Halloween, because that's creepy.

How did they manage to so skillfully reproduce the lighting from a 1970s cookbook?

[Jana]

That is some ugly food.

The fake flowers really add a certain level of classiness, too.

[Ashley]

Speaking of food, amalah- did you eat
lunchmeat during your pregnancy?
I am just asking for advice's sake,
I am pg and had a cold cut sub and
am feeling mighty guilty!

[Ashlie]

Sweet mother of mary Amalah! Truly, boredom = brilliance! Who knew that a company cookbook would be so freakin funny (and hurl-worthy)?.....

[tone]

Being from Minnesota, I have to laugh as I've seen many of these dishes. And to go with the Green Salad, we ate White Hotdish (Tuna Noodle Casserole). Although I am surprised at the absense of ketchup. A mighty staple at our dinner table.

[Dawn]

Damn, am i the only one who thought these recipes all sound delicious ?
I make tater tot casserole for my family all the time. I put shredded cheddar cheese on top for special occassions.

[Catherine]

Um, the "Open Face Sandwich"? Big Woop. My 18-pound cat (Sir Hack-A-Lot) can barf that up on demand. His looks better, actually. And no dishes!

[T]

Funniest thing I've read since the "Lost" Snarkywood entry...hilarious. Hope you deliver soon.

[Catherine]

Did I mention I laughed so hard that cheddar cheese came out of my nose?

[Alexis]

Ok - its official - you now really ARE the funniest woman alive. YAY! xx

[drea]

So disturbed. Hysterical, but still disturbed.

Good luck with the whole water breaking thing.

[Mir]

I have to concur that the Mexican Gravy looks an awful lot like puke. And yet, I kept on clicking. What does that say about me??

[drea]

OH. I forgot to mention. i was scouring your page (trying to find the link to Jason's) and came across the following.

" We're also, apparently, having a baby this year. It's a boy, and he'll be here in September. Holy shit."

And then felt obligated to note that September is only until Friday. So hopefully the doc will induce tomorrow.

[Margarita Mama]

Holy mother fucker. I don't know how you, as a pregnant woman could look at those photos long enough to compose a caption. I feel sick and I'm going to go fix myself a drink and forget I ever saw that.

[Shiz's Friend, Aj]

"I think I'm gonna be sick"

...is what I said after I saw those dishes.

I have the sense that the same phrase may have precipatated a few of those dishes as well...

ew.

**********************************************************
( P.s. Soooo funny. How did you manage NOT to go into labor reading that? I almost did, I was laughing so hard :), ..and I'm not even pregnant! )

[Melanie]

The pictures were offensive enough. But your comment about the mug - OF WHICH I HAVE TWO TO MATCH MY T-SHIRT AND STADIUM CUSHION! - made me feel sorry for my Tampa Bay Bucs. Even though we did just beat Green Bay.
Sincerely,

A Floridian

P.S. Yes, we Floridians do love our cheese. Be grateful there wasn't lots of Crisco in those recipes -- another staple of true Southerners.

[Tiffani]

I've got to admit that I grew up on some of these dishes. Not proud of that. I still gag on cream of mushroom soup.

[Heather]

Dayum, Amy, you definitely brought the funny today. And some of the comments were almost, *almost* as hilarious as your witty commentary. I love laughing out loud; I'm pretty sure it's good for my health. Not so much like the recipes.

[Real Girl]

Thank you, Real Mom. Thank you so much for your favorite dish when I was growing up: Take out. Thanks, as well, for passing down the recipe...

[amy]

the. most. horrifying. recipies. EVER.

[Nadine]

That cookbook and the comments with it was one of the funniest things I have read in a very long time.

[Libertine]

okay - so recipes/pictures such as these are not new to me...i have trawled through and laughed at many many cookbooks of the early eighties.
what disturbs me is that i just realised that Miss Amalah can't have been working at this same company since the early eighties and there is a damn good possibility that this collection is of a rather recent vintage - is this true?!?!
Do people still eat like this? Really? If so, can somebody (Amalah - i am looking at chew) please post photographic evidence? Like of the woman who made the mexican gravy and today's newspaper?
And indeed! what is with the colour of your cheese?
America is seeming strange and weird to me...

[Katrina]

...I was doing alright until I got to the sickly white chicken dish - THAT was the one that made me want to barf! :-)

[laura]

enjoyed the laughs! I had to view it in 2 sittings so I didn't wake the baby. great stuff, thanks for sharing.

[Lisa]

Dear Lord in Heaven...that bad boy should be burned.

[scoutsadie]

For the record, I just want to be clear that I wrote my earlier post before actually looking at the cookbook/photos. Eww. That kind of cheese does not excite me. (Why would they do that to cheese? Why, oh why?)

[tiffany]

so, i got distracted and accidently read the comments before i looked at the now-infamous cookbook debacle.
and now i'm scared.
very, very scared.
and i feel i may have to boycott untill i see a picture of the babalah.
but, of course, that's totally not true because i'm going to go back and look at it right now.

still, it would be nice to see the babalah.
babalah?
can you hear me?
come out now!!

p.s. amalah, you are awesome. i ate a big dinner and i feel like i'm too fat to READ A BOOK for class tomorrow. and here you are still all clever and cute and shit.
you're making me look lazy.
hmm...

[S. Faolan Wolf]

(And it's always okay to make fun of Florida, right?)

Hey now...

[Katja]

I gotta say non-Woggy White people not only can't dance, they can't cook either! lovely pictures of bad food!
I generally take either my really good home made guacamole salad to a company picnic or pot luck, or I make my beautiful Shrimp Malai, which everyone loves. I fix it so that it's not too much for the White people that aren't woggy, the curry powder gives it that nice atomic orange color they love so.
As far as guacamole goes, it's da bomb,it's all fresh avacados, fresh sour cream, freash lime, and I bring some good corn chips.
I usually have to be very hungry in advance before a potluck or company picnic because the food is terrible, and I never worked for a company that had wine or beer at the company picnic. :(! Very few companies I've worked for even had wine or beer at a company Christmas party, I did have a boss give me a 5th of Jamesons whiskey though! That ROCKED, I still got the bottle, it's empty, it's there to remind me that not all bosses are scum! :)

[Kari]

OMG I just about pissed myself laughing. You crack me up.

[Boozie]

Holy crap, that was hilarious...and a really good distraction to keep my mind off of baby.

I especially liked the wine recommendations. You're so classy!

[amalah]

Oh, and this cookbook? Copyright 2004, according to the back cover.

(Yes, I violated copyright law to bring you this crap.)

[Jen]

Thanks Amy.
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

[Bill Ding]

I thought I was a pretty good cook until I saw your recipes.

Back to the cutting board...

[mortimer's mom]

they must not have too many Jews working there, because those recipes are a Kosher nightmare! Cheese and meat, meat and Cheese, pig meat and cheese! yum!

As a huge fan of Lileks and a purveyor of his books, let me tell you, you give him a run for his money. Maybe a maternity sideline....

[Bethany]

Dude, I think whomever lived my new apartment before my husband and I totally owned that cookbook, cause my apartment smells like the place where all casserole and goulash came to die. Mixed with stale ashtray stank.

[beth]

My 9 year old daughter looked at these with me. We concurred on every single one: ewwwwwwwwwwwww; but she thought the soup and Tater Tot one was particularly disgusting. Her final comment, "Are these supposed to be good?"

[Merrilee]

That book - seriously gave me the squicks.

[tiffany]

okay.
i totally just wet my pants a little.
i mean, really. just a little. but still.
i'm only 27.
i seriously hope i never encounter anything even remotely funny after the age of 35.
because god-only-knows what could happen then.

[Mary]

Eww.

[Humor Girl]

Who took the pictures! lol..that's what I want to know!

[jomama]

I just innocently came here to check for a new entry before I got ready for work. That was 20 minutes ago and now I'm running late. Damn you (and the commenters ("pacman carcass", ha!))for being so funny.

I can't believe that nasty shit made it's way into a cookbook. I hate breakfast sausage, and that just made my hatred even deeper. And cream of mushroom soup? In everything? Really? Those guys are pretty creative, I tell you what.

Since today is your due date, I know that the baby will be here by the next time you post. I just KNOW it (I think).

[Lisa]

Wow, that was absolutely disgusting. I gagged quite a few times as I sat here eating my morning bagel. There should be some kind of a warning before unsuspecting eaters venture in. That said, I laughed my butt off.

[Bethany]

Ok, being desperatly pregnant has definitly made you funnier, and I NEVER laugh at 6:30 in the morning. Have a grrreat day,( sorry about the tony the tiger) the cookbook must've forced the throw back.