No, I Am Not Off Having the Baby Right This Very Moment
September 14, 2005
It was nice of everybody to jump to that conclusion, but in reality I was:
1) Being told that I will probably not ever have this baby, and
2) Trying to figure out how to put the Wednesday Advice Smackdown on an impromptu hiatus, because people, I CANNOT WRITE ABOUT SHAMPOO ANYMORE.
I saw my OB this morning, FULLY AND COMPLETELY CONFIDENT that I was going to be told lovely tales of effasement and dilation, because...well, I've been getting these stabbing pains in the lady-business area and I read that this could be a sign of your cervix dilating. And I chose to believe this with my entire being.
So I laid back, smiled proudly when my doctor marveled at my sudden and rapid belly growth ("Yes! The Internet thinks the same thing!"), gritted my teeth in hatred when he told me that keeping my skin moisturized would prevent more stretch marks ("Liar! LIIIIIAARRR!"), and spread my legs for the cervical check.
"No change," he said, and furrowed his Christopher-Guest-in-a-bald-cap brow. "No change at all."
And I made some noise that can only be transcribed as something like, "Whhhaaatttthefucknooocraaap!"
Then he said, "We need to talk about your pelvis."
What followed was a long conversation about my narrow little pelvis and how by the time I hit my due date, it's very likely that I'll need a caesarean section because I am just not built for an eight-pound baby. I'm possibly not even built for a seven-pound baby, but considering my body is showing no interest in going into labor anytime this century, we'll probably blow right past that weight in the next week or so anyway.
And since I Read Things On The Internet Like How Vaginal Pain Equals Dilation And Therefore Know All, I immediately jumped in with the perfect solution: We'll induce! Today! While he's still small enough! We'll beat my pelvis at its own game!
Well, no. Inducing won't work when your cervix is all uptight and whatever. Basically, your body needs to give SOME INDICATION that it would like to start thinking about having the baby before pitocin will do a damn thing. And again, have I mentioned that my body is not doing that? Because it is not?
To make matters worse, the baby is still in the occiput posterior position. This already indicates a difficult delivery. Add in the possibility that he might not fit under the best of circumstances, and again, I'm looking at an eventual caesarean after a lot of fruitless pushing.
(Assvice smackdown: I've done the whole "get on all fours and stick your butt up in the air" thing multiple times, and while he'll rotate temporarily while I'm doing this, he immediately flips back over once I move. What can I say? He's comfy. And stubborn.)
My doctor is certainly willing to let me try for a vaginal delivery, don't get me wrong. He's not claiming that it's impossible or pressuring me to schedule a c-section right away. Not at all. He just wanted to prepare me for the possibility that hey, this could happen, and in his opinion, it's a very likely outcome. Unless my body decides to do some kind of 0-60 labor in the next week or so, which HA.
I want labor. I want Jason to time contractions and feed me ice chips. I want to push my son out. I want to hold and feed him right away.
I don't want a c-section. I don't want to be heavily medicated and separated from the baby for hours. I don't want major surgery. I don't want to rely on other people to carry the stroller and car seat up and down our stairs for weeks.
But I guess, in the end, what I really want is my baby. And what I really don't want is for anything bad to happen to either of us. So I'll just get over myself.
And maybe if I stop thinking angry thoughts about my stupid fucking cervix it will fucking dilate already and we can talk induction next Wednesday.
(And no Advice Smackdown next Wednesday either, because I'm exhausted and have other things to rant about besides hair products. And I'm really, really tired of talking about hair products. Just stop going to the Hair Cuttery and buying shampoo at Rite Aid. That's basically the beginning and end of proper haircare, and it's become clear that no matter how many times I tell you people that Bed Head is a good product line, the Bed Head people are not sending me any free products. And really, what's the point in doing anything if you don't get presents?)