PLACES I COULD HAVE GONE INTO LABOR AT THIS WEEKEND:
3) Home Depot
Now I ask you, how awesome would it have been if my water had broken at IKEA? Or Coach! Right there among the Soho collection? Very awesome, is how awesome that would have been.
This kid is not cooperating with my need for narrative cohesiveness on my website.
Hello 40 weeks! Hello stretch marks! Hello gaping, fearful stares from people on the street!
Obviously, I am not in labor yet.
Although we thought I was in labor for 20 glorious minutes on Saturday night, at an Indian restaurant, where I proceeded to have THREE WHOLE CONTRACTIONS at exactly six minutes apart. Let's go get the bag! Lock up the pets! We're having a baby!
And then the contractions went all wonky (that's the technical term) and irregular and ta-da! False alarm. It was very sad, but at least I got to stay and have my rice pudding.
PLACES MY BELLY GOT FELT UP BY TOTAL STRANGERS THIS WEEKEND:
3) Whole Foods
5) The flipping carwash
I went virtually unmolested throughout my entire pregnancy. Now I have little old ladies in the grocery store muttering blessings to me in Slavic languages while poking my child's protruding little behind.
Oh, and asking if I'm having twins. Which: I GET IT, OKAY? AM HUGE AND READY TO BURST AND IF THERE IS A GOD, I WOULD BURST ALL OVER YOUR SHOES.
In other news, I can't shake this weird feeling that everybody everywhere is staring at me.
(And of course, I was wearing the SAME DAMN SHIRT FROM THE PHOTO almost all weekend.)