The Girl Who Cried Boob
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

In Which Photos Redeem Another Crappy Entry

This weekend I got my hair highlighted like a real live person.

And I managed to put on a pair of real live pre-pregnancy jeans.

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(Just one pair, mysteriously. The rest of my jeans? Oh, we shan't speak of them yet.)

Other Completely Awesome Things I Did This Weekend:

1) I thought VERY SERIOUSLY about getting a pedicure.

2) I went out for dinner sans baby (thank you, Jason's mom) and ate oysters. Glorious, dangerous oysters!

3) I sat around while my mother-in-law CLEANED MY ENTIRE HOUSE. TWICE.

4) I got projectile pooped on at 5 a.m. two mornings IN A ROW, which I am calling awesome only because honestly, it was some IMPRESSIVE POOPING. Although afterwards I kind of sat there and wondered if any bars were open that early in the morning.

5) I sobbed hysterically after reading "The Giving Tree" (Thank you, Kirsten! A thank-you note will be sent out sometime this century, I swear) out loud to Noah, because I just realized THAT I AM THE TREE and this child is going to strip me bare and yank out big portions of my heart when he grows up and moves away and I WILL BE THE HAPPY ABOUT IT AS LONG AS HE IS HAPPY. WAH.

6) I bought lots of new hair products. Products that I may tell you about on Wednesday, which is the tentative date for the Return of the Wednesday Advice Smackdown: Journey to the Center of the Bad Advice Universe.

7) Yes, really! The Advice Smackdown is coming back, and although I have about three years' worth of questions piled up, new questions are being accepted at advice@amalah.com. (And I hereby declare that all questions will be answered using a completely random selection system of my own invention, known as Whether I Feel Like Answering That Question Or Not.)

One Other Not So Awesome Thing I Did This Weekend, Which I Am Including Because I Cannot Have An Entry Without A Boob Reference These Days:

1) The Return of the Fibrocystic Breast Disease. Yes, I discovered a pocket of cysts in my right boob. Noah won't nurse from it because the cysts make the milk come out verrry slow, and because he won't nurse and I am Very Bad About Remembering To Pump Regularly, the milk is drying up on that side.

2) MOTHERGODDAMNDINGDANGFUCKER.

Anywho, I'll Think About That Tomorrow, In The Meantime, Here Are Some Sleeping Baby Pictures, And Yes, He DOES Wake Up Occasionally But He's Much Easier To Photograph While Zonked Out On Mylicon Drops:

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Comments

JenE

Great photos! You are super-skinny looking in your jeans. That's all that matters, right?

feisty girl

What a cutie. And yes, The Giving Tree is a killer. How abeout Oh The Places You'll Go? That one gets me every time! Happy Halloween!!!

Janet

For the record, I see NO frizz at all in that picture.

Is Ceiba's cast off? Am I behind the times??

and I can't wait till Wednesday!!!

Katja

Very cute Halloween Outfit. Enjoy it now, next year he might neither wear nor eat vegetables!!

Maggie

Noah is super cute. The Giving Tree makes me cry like a baby every time I read it.

Happy Halloween, Amalah!

Amytoo

Awww...TWO babies on your lap.

And both so cute! (In different ways, of course!)

Magnolia

sooo adorable!!

Yay for going out and eating without the baby. I haven't done that in -months-. I miss eating in a resturant and not having to give up half my plate to a screaming toddler.

But you're adorable and so is your child.

ssheers

About the cysts, if you position him so his chin points in the direction of the cysts, his sucking has more power that way, and he'll clear out anything that's getting blocked. If you have to be incredibly gymnastically agile to get into that position, then it may not be worth it.

Thanks for the cute photos.

LCA

Happy Halloween! I hoped that the pea pod would make a holidayy appearance.

And quit your blogging insecurities--I super enjoyed this post! Any window into your lie is a fabulous one.

Also. Your hair: Not frizzy.

LCA

Damn Mac keyboard; I swear it screws me over every time!

I meant to say holiday, and I meant to say window into your life.

The Management

Yes, Ceiba's cast is off. She goes back for x-rays this week and if all goes well, the metal plate in her leg will come out in two months or so.

And she fell down the stairs this weekend just because WE NEED THAT KIND OF DRAMA. CHRIST.

Laura

Stop with the taking of the pictures. Seriously! I cannot take anymore of the baby sweetness nor the mom who looks great 5 seconds after having her baby. That picture of you kissing Noah on the head just made me cry as it is the sweetest thing in the world.

You look great and you have this motherhood thing down pat!

Dawn

I love, love ,love the photo of you in your jeans- and what appears to be Noah screaming his head off. I have one of those photos from my spawn's baby days - and it sums up my whole infant expereinces.....Look, a woman trying not to put her baby in a closet and run away - look, a screaming baby daring her mother to run away, cause I will find you Motherfucker, and get you!

AND, just in case you need to know, I nursed my daughter for the better part of 18 months with just the right boob, cause she just didn't seem to care so much for the other one. Yes, I was a bit lopsided for a while, but honestly who was looking?

Amanda

Whoa! You look great!! Especially considering how soon it's been since you gave birth. You should be especially proud. Tell those other jeans to just shut up.

As for Noah, I think I hear the entire Internet saying "awwwwwww" along with me. He's just adorable. So handsome! I remember those snugly days.

Bethany

Oh girl, you look so good. Hair=pretty, ass=skinny, baby=scrumptious. You've got it all.

Jessie

I agree with the above poster who said that "Oh the Places You'll Go" is another tearjerker. Darn books that make me cry!

The cuteness in this entry is overwhelming, but in a good way. Also, I'm glad you got to get out and do some real-life adult things this weekend. It all sounds like fun, and things I'd like to do as well. I don't have a kid yet and I still don't get to do those things. Saving up a down payment for a house just sucks the fun out of life for a while.

contrarychick

I don't know if you're aware of this,but you can take that 'obviously too young to eat candy' baby trick or treating and people will give you candy. They'll *know* it's for you and they won't care cause they got to see your cute kid.

I say put the 'Give Peas a Chance' to good use. Tell everyone he's a Jolly Green Giant in training and get some candy!


Peyton

Too cute! And don't worry, no one will call social services until he begins crawling. ;-)

Robyn

Congrats on the jeans! Doesn't that feel great!

I was changing my boy once when he was really little. I had just changed him, gone downstairs, when he decided to load up the diaper. I went back upstairs because I ASSUMED he was finished. What happened next was me laughing hysterically as he continued to poop onto my hand, and then he finished it all off with a fart that sent poo splattering all over me, the dresser, and the lamp shade!

Oh, the memories! My favorite is when you say "Oh Shit", and there is actual shit involved!

I guess I am easily amused!

Zoe

What? What frizz? I am seriosuly insecure about my hair now because yours always look better than mine.However, I am also very happy about the reinstatement of the Smackdown, and with the advice maybe one day I will achieve a state of hair that I shall refer to as Nearly As Nice As Amalah's.

Happy Halloween!

Joy

Check you out skinny thing! You ARE. Yay for pre-pregnancy jeans! :)

Sharon

It has been my experience that just about anything by Dr. Seuss or Shel Silverstein can actually cause a complete and total collapse into a hysterical, crying mush. Ya know, under the right circumstances :-)

Kate

You look so happy! Cute, happy and complete!

Jen

Two great books are Love you Forever by Robert Munsch and On the Day You Were Born by Debra Frasier...they will make you cry without a doubt. Congrats on the pre-preg jeans - they look great. And what a cutie!!

Frema

I have never read The Giving Tree. Is that wrong?

Jenny

DUDE! That picture of Noah all curled up on Jason is simply ANGELIC. That baby, man...

Eulallia

I second the "Love You Forever" crying book. That one kills. And I'm sorry about your boobie! That sucks!

Ninotchka

You look fab! Sorry about the fibroid issue. That truly sucks.

Also, The Giving Tree is one of my favorite books of all time! And it's my favorite one to give as a gift to people of all ages. It's. Just. So. Beautiful.

Real Girl

Cute little pooper, indeed.

Ah, the straight haired folks. I'm not certain they can fully understand the being of the "frizz."

And you've noticed, right, that Noah's profile is also your exact one?

lolismum

Amy, great pictures. Can we have a picture of the nursery with the murals? Is that a tree painted on the wall? It looks great. You have a wonderful MIL honey, take advantage of her. My MIL, although sweet, not only has dubious hygiene standards, and can only produce food that has identity crisis. Me:" Is this rice pudding or mashed potatoes? " My MIL " It's actually custard, honey."

Sarcomical

i must say, little noahlah looks freakishly pissed that you are fitting into your sososkinny jeans already (like some of us might be if we chose to be bitter that your post-pregnancy ass is smaller than our never-been-pregnant asses, but we're not, of COURSE!) yet he is still a sweetie pie. i love that ceiba feels all cuddly with mommy and the new child in the house.

luv2cats72

Noah is *scrumptious*. I remember when my baby used to sleep on us like that. (we called it "frogging," 'cause they kind of look like frogs with their legs pulled up like that).

And may I say, "Damn, girl, you had a baby WHEN??" You look awesome!

madge

Is it hot in here?

'Cause, damn, that kid is giving me a scorching case of baby fever. If I didn't have a toddler and a husband in grad school (read: NEVER home!) I just might fall victim to his powerful charms.

beastarzmom

The Giving Tree - I get SO angry at that selfish twit of a boy who never grows up enough to realize he is the ultimate jerk! I guess there's another message, but I haven't been able to get past the selfishness. Thanks for the other perspective. ...I guess...
I Love You Forever - am I the only one who gets a little creeped out that this mother would climb in her adult son's window, pick him up and rock him? I cry at the end like everyone else, but it still creeps me out.
I Love You THIS Much - the poor kid keeps trying to love the parent more than anything and the parent ALWAYS outdoes the kid. Drives me crazy.
hmmm - better get me some new baby books or a new attitude! It appears I've got the "snarks" today...Can't wait to hear your book reviews when you start the bedtime reading stage. There are some doozies out there!

VHMPrincess

WAIT RIGHT THERE. We are allowed to go out to dinner without our children? Are ye mad? Are you sure this is allowed? Hubby and I have gone out I would say 3 (maybe 4) times since son was born 4 YEARS AGO alone. And 1 of those was to a no-children-invited wedding. You are amazing! I'd love to go to a nice dinner w/my husband alone!

And you look amazing too!

Nancy

You look so awesome in the pre-pregnancy jeans! Good for you -- I won't even admit how many months it took for that to happen for me (especially with baby #2.)

As always, Noah is fab looking. Even screaming in the first pic.

Sara

I'm due in 7 weeks with my first and I am so glad I found your site just in time to be a little bit scared but mostly encouraged and excited by you posting your experience as a first time mom. You guys are so cute!

Lisa B

Awww. There's a book called "Love you Forever." That will make you cry too. Although it is a bit creepy when it talks about how the mom will sneak into her adult son's house just to rock him and watch him sleep...

Your little man is so precious....

Nola

*tries to remember the last time dinner out didn't include a menu with pictures and a small pack of generic crayons...*

I have absolutely no clue about the cysts and all, so no advice coming from me this time 'round. I'll just send my sympathy and some prayers.

I have a cat that would try and do what your dog did in that picture... unfortunately, the cat in question is approximately the size of a small third world country, so it would break my legs *or it's neck* in the process. Much better your way.

mary

skinny be-och!! You are already in the pre-pregnancy jeans already?? (I'm 7 mos pregnant and so far from the pre-pregnancy anything that you are making me ill). Congrats on the baby and the return of size ridiculously small!

Cagey

Whew! The moment I saw all the DANGLING CORDS, my hand reached for the phone to dial SRS. Then, I realized that might be considered in the realm of assvice.

Congrats on getting into your pre-pregancy jeans! I am down to my pre-pregnancy weight after 2 weeks, but still fear that "things have shifted" so I am afraid to try ANY jeans on at this moment. Comfort is key, so maternity pants it will be for the interim. Certainly makes those afternoon naps easier.

TB

Thanks for the heads-up about fibrocystic breast disease. I'm fibrocystic and had stereotactic biopsy to remove 8 microcalifications a few years ago. I've always wondered if that will have an effect on my ability to breast feed. I guess I need to do more research.

Broad

You are HOW SMALL already!??

That ain't right.

And that first picture is awesome. See how amalah calmly juggles the camera while her boy howls at the indignity of yet another picture! You've got the whole mothering thing down pat.

Emily

I still insist that your jeans shrink when you are pregnant. At least all mine did! Hehe, no really, you will be back in them in to time, well in the rest of them that is since you are already in some. :)
I have my "fat" jeans that I had to wear before I could fit mat. clothes, and then before I could fit back into regular clothes. Give a couple more weeks though, it doesn' take long!

Kelly

You and him are toooooooo freakin cute!!!

Congrats!!! You really have to read "Love you Forever", talk about needing some damn Kleenex!

Check it out!

cs

motherhood suits you

Sheryl

You are so right! I never realized that The Giving Tree is about mothers, but it so totally is! Also, breastfeeding: if it's not one thing, it's some damn other.

Dorothy

You know, now that I'm reading other blogs, it's eery to me how common the experience actually is. Check it out - I posted this over a year ago - almost the same as your experience:

The Giving Tree 6/1/04
I was just upstairs a little bit ago reading the little angel books, trying to give her time to want the rest of her bottle. We read a few we'd gotten from friends with her name in them, then we read The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein. The Giving Tree was one of my favorite books when I was a little girl, but I thought the tree was pretty stupid, I admit. I mean, she just gave that ridiculous little boy everything he wanted! Even in the end when she was nothing but a stump!

Today, though, as I got to the end part, I finally got the subtext that escaped me as a child. With the little angel belching liquid sleep right down her adorable Baby Gap overalls, I started bawling. I wanted my mommy. I finally got it. The book is about respect. The little boy doesn't really respect the tree for most of his life. He loves the tree, and he's happy the tree will give him unconditional love even when he takes everything she has, but he doesn't really respect the tree until the end. In the end, he realizes he has taken everything from her, and he realizes all she needs is his time and attention. And he gives it to her. Shel may have intended something else - as a writer, I realize most people interpret stories as they want to, hell's bells with what the writer intended - but that is what I now take away from this book. As children, we don't really respect our parents until we get older. With awareness comes respect, and you really can't have one without the other.

A lot of people have asked me what the most important thing is for keeping the marriage alive with a writhing mouth-child taking up most of your time. I think respect is probably the short answer. It's so easy to get tired (and you have not experienced "tired," I now understand, until you have had interrupted sleep for more than six weeks running) and snap at your beloved. It's easy to blame him for the stitches, the pain of labor, the excruciating pain of nursing, all of the things he didn't have to do to bring this little thing into the world. It's easy to hate him when he stops for gas on the way home when you have been playing Primary Caregiver for the last 14 hours. And it's even easier to hate him for not making enough money to let you stay home with your little angel instead of going back to the cruel, faceless working world. But if you truly respect each other, you realize he is just as tired as you are, and just as confused, and he realizes you are not joking when he sees your tender chest area blister and bleed as you bumble through breastfeeding.

I wonder how many other children's books I never really understood? I guess I'll find out soon.

Melanie

Good God, this kid is GORGEOUS! I want to squeeeeze him and gobble him up. I vote for reeeeallly crappy entries or even no entries for a looooong time and many more pictures.

The peapod outfit is cute. You could have chosen something like a turnip or a garbanzo, but peas are much cuter.

Quinn

The others are right: "Love You Forever" is a book that means well but creeps a lot of people (including me) out.

You look amazing. Happy Halloween!

deb

oh, noah! Look at your skinny-ass mommy! gorgeous!

I vote for cleaning spit-up out of the hair first. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Isabel

So glad that things are going well. Pictures are great, as always. He's getting bigger.

And also, so looking forward to the return of the Advice Smackdown.

Happy Halloween!

Irina

Oh my gosh those pictures are the cutest EVER! Oh, and don't kill me, but right now (hey, I said right now!) he's the splitting image of your husband! Ooh, and I LOVE the pea outfit! : )

green_canary

Re: your side bar - I say go for the couch first, girl. The other things (baby, shoulder, hair) don't require Woolite :-)

yammer

Yeah for the return of the Wednesday Advise Smackdown!!

sara

First: Those pictures may have to make me admit that he is cuter than my baby. Which I'm not supposed to do because my baby should be the Most Beautiful Baby In the World (tm). So I'll say he's *as* cute as mine.

Fellow lumpy breaster here. Have you ever had to have biopsies, etc for fibrocystic lumps? I did, and then discovered that where I'd been cut, I tended to get blocked milk ducts. Unpleasant things.

I know, I know, assvice...
but I found 1) not wearing underwires more than every other day, 2) having kiddo feed off one breast at a time until it was completely, totally drained, and 3) if I got a bunch of milk cysts, putting hot washcloths on the lumpy area and then massaging the hell out of it --- all helped. Helped me, that is. No idea if they'll help you. But lumpy blocked-duct cysts can become No Fun in a Big Way, so I'm just sayin', is all...

Tiff

My mom read The Giving Tree to us when we were kids. I love that book. When he gets a little older, he might like "Lafcadio the Great," also by Silverstein. The story of a lion who starts to act like a man and then can't figure out if he's a man or a lion.

Shiz

You're a mommy!

That's like, SO WEIRD.

sillypants

Still loving you to death out here in Portland Oregon.

Your babylish boy is still as handsome as ever and we all know where he got his dashing good looks.

The Giving Tree is a fucking tear jerker. Swear to God that book is just so, so SYMBOLIC. You should also get a copy of Love You Forever (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0920668372/104-3878768-9202335?v=glance&n=283155&s=books&v=glance ) which teeters between an insane woman stalking her son, and the fact that, well, that is what we all are.

Welcome to the world of heicopter parenting....Keep up the good work :)

Silly in Portland

For Joke!

Yah - me again, just commenting because it makes me so happy every time you post. Stories! Pictures! We can't get enough. You look AWESOME.

Sharon

I know I already commented on this entry, but can we talk about how skinny you look? I mean, seriously...what?? :-)

Elizabeth

"This entry needs more cowbell" BwaHahahahaha!

And did no one else notice that Noah is wearing SOCKS in that picture? Cute little baby athletic socks even!

You look great, glad to hear about the jeans. Sorry about the boob, it's always something, huh?

warcrygirl

Holding a sleeping baby is hypnotic. I couldn't put my first born down when he slept in my arms.

Of course, he got used to it and never wanted to sleep in his crib...

Heather

I too am mildly creeped out by mom going across town in "Love You Forever" but it's definitely still a fave, and totally makes me cry.
I bought "The Giving Tree" a few years ago, and actually just picked it up the other day...I'm such a damn sap...I'm surprised the pages don't have tear stains yet.

PaintingChef

Oh I can't even begin to handle "The Giving Tree", it gets me every time, without fail. I got "Oh the Places You'll Go" when I graduated from college and it was kind of a tear jerker too.

He is just cuter and cuter every day. I didn't even think that was possible!

Genevieve

He is such a cutie! And you look terrific.

Seconding the advice of others on how to deal withclogged milk ducts. I had them several times and they're a huge pain, but there are ways to deal with them. Definitely press on the spot while either running hot water on it, soakking it in hot water (unwieldly, but gets results) or pressing a hot washcloth to it. Definitely point his chin at the clogged duct while he nurses. While he nurses on that side, press and massage the clogged duct. Also press and massage it while you pump. Drink plenty of water. Repeat as often as possible - eventually you will feel the clog release (a feeling of great relief).

Heather B.

As I was skimming through other comments, I must agree on purchasing "I love you forever". My mother used to read that book to me all the time, and I demanded that she do so until I was in high school at least (I'm weird). Anyway, I still know all the words. Buy it. Seriously.

Oh and not sure if I've mentioned this 450 times, but Noah? Soooo cute.

Christen

I love the "need more cowbell" caption. Made me snort wine out of my nose. I love, love, love the Will Ferrell (sp?) cowbell scene in SNL.

Helen

Go for the pedicure!
you deserve it.
And definitely get I'll love you forever. I've had to sing that one to my girls for years. (so I made up a tune... sorry -- it meant I could hum it at them with hte same effect as they're falling asleep)

Zoot

Holy shit. MrZ just read Giving Tree last night to NikkiZ and said it made him cry too! I've read it a million times, twice at grandparent's funerals, so it's old hat for me, but it was the first time he'd read it and he was all "That's exactly what parenting is like!"

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