My mom would like everybody to know that I am an awesome mom and very calm, in control and totally not fucking up at all. Except for my tendency to let the baby go sockless. But that's why she's here -- to protect my son's toes from my negligence.
Also to walk and cuddle my poor busted-up dog, help with laundry, make coffee and take out the trash. And this morning she changed the cat's litter box and I did not protest at all. Because it really smelled bad.
Yes, this is the same mother who just had a mastectomy and kicked breast cancer's ass just two months ago. I have a wee incision on my belly and am all, "Waaaaaahhhhh, bring me cookies."
I wrote two sentences of the Birth Story, Part Two and then fell asleep, because the child has hit some kind of growth spurt and is eating every five minutes and gets hysterical if he isn't eating the instant he wants to eat and will even get hysterical WHILE HE IS EATING because he'll pause to like, breathe and then freak out because WHY ISN'T HE EATING? ARE YOU TRYING TO TAKE MY FOOD AWAY? AAAAAHHHHHHEEEEIIIIIIII EEEEEEAAAATTTTT.
The rash is not really getting any better. I'm sure this is all the Internet's fault, because you just didn't send me any good suggestions.
(GAH! KIDDING! PLEASE STOP SENDING SUGGESTIONS. Trust me, I've heard them ALL many many times now, from corn starch to Aquaphor to yogurt to to breastmilk to sitz baths to Lotrimin to voodoo rituals.)
(We're trying several new tactics that y'all recommended, however, so I am grateful. I'm just ready to Move On And Not Talk About The Diaper Rash Anymore.)
I'm also ready to take a shower now, because the child seems to be okay with not eating this very second so I may have a three-minute window. Wish me luck.
(Oh, and out of 400 frillion comments, I got exactly one that sort-of bemoaned the fact that everything I write now is about Noah and probably will be for the next 20 years. And it bummed me out because I really hope not, but to be fair, two weeks postpartum is a little early to be all, "Dude, Amalah's gone all mommy blog now and it sucks." I mean, the site does suck now, what with these random entries with 17 sets of parentheses in them, but be patient. I'm planning to leave the house today! I'm going to the post office! It's going to be awesome!)