Things That Have Reduced Me To Hot Hysterical Tears In The Past 24 Hours
October 05, 2005
Items marked with * have been assigned SUPER BONUS POINTS for happening out in public.
1) The clueless cashier at Babies R' Us who, completely oblivious to the car seat attached to our cart, looked at my belly and asked when I was due.*
2) Guilt over thinking that I'm kind of glad Ceiba isn't around because she really can be a huge pain in the ass. But also guilt over not going to visit her at the vet after her surgery.
3) The news that Ceiba will be put on the doggie equivalent of bed rest for the next two weeks, which is so so sad but OH MY GOD, I'VE BARELY BEEN ABLE TO STAY IN BED THIS WEEK AND IF SHE GETS PAMPERED MORE THAN ME I WILL THROW HER OUT THE WINDOW.*
4) The words "8 pounds, 13 ounces."*
5) Also: "poor milk supply," "hospital-grade breast pump," "20 minutes every two hours" and "dad will feed baby formula while mom pumps."*
6) A lactation consultant who, while I was still sobbing over items 4 and 5, proceeded to berate me about all of the following: the pacifier she spotted in my diaper bag, our technique for caring for Noah's circ site, my use of Lasinoh, my choice of breast pump and nursing pillow, our plan to buy a baby swing and my nursing bra from Target. By the time she asked what brand of diaper rash cream we used I could only cower in my chair and tremble in terror.*
7) Strapping myself to an electric breast pump in the living room while Jason feeds Noah formula in the nursery and feeling like a goddamn malfunctioning milk cow.
8) Pumping while Jason feeds Noah formula next to me because after all the various indignities to my body this man has witnessed over the past week, this has GOT to be the one that will guarantee that he will never look at me as a sexual being ever again.
9) Holding Noah after pumping myself dry and watching him turn towards my breast and try to latch on through my shirt and then scream in frustration.
10) Pumping and pumping and pumping and only producing embarrassing tiny amounts of milk each time.
11) Blinding rage at body for producing a baby too big for me to provide milk for. Debilitating fear after realizing just how thin Noah has gotten since dispatched to my care.
12) PUMPING HURTS. HUUUURRRRRTTTTSS.
13) An accidental glimpse of myself naked in the mirror.
14) The first poop from Noah since we've been home from the hospital (formula-induced, of course). The first poop from me since we've been home from the hospital (colace-induced, of course).
15) Realizing too late that I'd let my pain medication wear off completely due to my preoccupation with pumping and obsessing over the loss of Noah's delicious fat rolls.
16) Realizing that OH MY GOD, it's time to fucking pump AGAIN.
17) Noah's cheeks, nose, mouth, neck, belly, hands, feet and bottom.
18) This one face he makes where he looks just like Jason.
19) This other face he makes where he looks just like me.
20) Looking into his face and realizing that everything is going to be okay and that everything on this list vanishes with the slightest sniff of the top of his head.
Noah looks like he's dancing. How can it not be ok if the baby is still dancing? :) Hang in there.
I want like 45 of him...
and I feel REALLY REALLY bad and I'm REALLY REALLY sorry...
I think you sound like a terrific mom. Keep up the good work.
Poor darling lamb. I know she was well meaning and all, but Shut the F up, okay? New mother? Hello? Don't berate her!
All the amalah fans will go slap some sense into that lactation consultant.
All the *hard* things really vanish when you see your sweet baby? Really? Really? I hear stuff like that all the time and I hope it is true. Because this baby in my belly is freaking me out and I'm not even close to having it yet.
I guess you just can't understand the love you'll have for your tiny baby until it actually comes out!!
Thanks for the new pictures of little Noah. What a doll.
Oh Amy,
Just know you will make it through this and that baby has been born into the best of families, with the love and care that he deserves from wonderful parents.
Keep your chin up and don't be too hard on yourself.
OMG, I have no idea what you are going through as I have not had a baby yet, but I am so so sorry you are having such a rough time. Just keep smelling the top of Noah's head. Everything will be fine!
And for what it is worth, you are NOT a failure because your milk supply is low. I have had so many girlfriends have the same problems, and they didn't necessarily have large babies either. Sometimes it just doesn't happen the way you want it to. Hang in there!
Hugs to you.
You have no idea who I am, but GOD, I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
You are *such* a new mom. It will just get easier and easier. I promise.
I totally cried when I read #20! And you are right - everything will be okay.
Boo Hiss to the judgemental lactation consultant!
Hello! It's your first time! And you ARE allowed to use a pacifier with your own child. And the circ site care and all that - well, it's really hard to exactly right - it *looks* easy to follow the directions when they are shown, but it's deceptive.
Hang in there, it does get easier, I promise!
All mothers go through this.
and find another lactation consultant.
This one sounds like a real know-it-all!
NO ONE knows it all.
Hang in!
Your doing just fine!
Number 20 is the important one! Hang in there, kiddo. It gets easier. We're all rooting for you! :)
Okay, that was a lot of exclamation points, but I'm so happy for you. :)
You are not a failure! My boobs didn't work with a damn and they are huge heavy sacks that just -scream- the image of a bountiful harvest that will feed all the children in the world.
I never engorged, I never -leaked- I never had enough for my son, no matter what I did. But it's ok. It's still a sore spot for me, but it's ok.
I am going to have all the hope in the world that your breasts rise to the occasion and provide for you the way they should. But it is -not- your fault if they don't
Wow. When I pulled this up there were 2 comments, by the time I was done reading and ready to write, there were like 15! You guys are so loved. And by total strangers to boot. I love how it looks like Noah is dancing in the pics.
Oh, Amy, I can totally relate to so many of these.
I had a 9 pound, 14 ounce baby who lost over 10% of his birth weight in the first week...he put it right back on and my milk supply totally increased.
Hope you get the pampering and attention you deserve this week!
Amy, you're doing wonderfully! All I can say is that, as a fellow had-to-pump'er I know what that feels like. When your boobs kick in, and they will, you'll be truely astounded at what they do (and dismayed and annoyed at what they do at the *least* opportune moments). I'm sure you know that what you're making now is colostrum and it's super-milk for a super-baby and you can (if you aren't and if you want to) add it into his formula for extra antibody goodness.
You're doing a wonderful thing for Noah, with the pumping, and if he doesn't appreciate it when he's older he should! I hope it improves soon.
All my best,
Kelly
I haven't met a nice lactation consultant yet. When my first son was born he latched on nicely and had no problems. The stupid lady thought I was doing something wrong and proceeded to yank my nipple out of his mouth, and he was latched on good. I couldn't help it when the pain made me react by kicking her! hehe She didn't come back to my room though.
Noah is a cutie pie!
Breast feeding is hard. Nobody tells you that or writes it in a book. I cried and cried the first few days with both of mine over the nursing (I'm sure hormones had something to do with that,too). It worked out though. Keep your spirits up! Congrats on the sweet little baby boy.
Being a mother is hard. I don't know anything about it personally, because I haven't lived that yet, but I know that you will be great at being a mother because I have read your blog for a while and you are the Queen of Everything (eventually).
Damn, that lactation consultant deserves to be bitch-slapped! No-one could have held you responsible for your actions.
All I can really say is hang in there, Noah is beautiful and I can see why he makes it all worth it :)
P.S Jeebus, your commenters are fast! And with the Washingtonian article, it seems like you have another 100 regulars.
Oh Amy, it all gets easier. It really does.
I feel for you. Those early weeks are such a roller coaster of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and yet so in love with your beautiful baby. I don't want to assvice you, but if you haven't tried fenugreek capsules yet, you may want to give them a try (2-3 capsules, 3 times a day really helped me--I had a similar experience when I started breastfeeding).
Noah looks like a little candy cane in those photos... I want to eat him! He's so freakin' cute I just can't stand it.
Hang in there, Amy. We're all rootin' for your boobs to kick in, and the combined wishing/praying/begging of your 3000+ plus readership HAS to stand for something to those gosh-darned Powers That Be :-)
The things I will be experiencing in about 10 weeks!
Noah is absolutely beautiful!
Ignore everything that the LC said. Expect for the breastfeeding parts. You and Jason are Noah's parents, all your choices and decisions are in his best interests. You are smart people from what I can read, trust your choices as your love for Noah will keep him from harm. And that nipple cream -use it! I did, and after a few weeks of constant use I didn't need it any more. And my 6 month old son is just dandy.
Best wishes.
I've just started reading your blogs (yes, I must've been living under a rock).
Today's really reminded me of a time 3 1/2 years ago when I became a mom for the first time. I tried to BF, and had the same problem with supply at first. After the first week or so, I told my husband we HAD to do something, or I'd go crazy. We called the hospital, and got to go meet w/ a lactation consultant there, plus they weighed the baby to be sure she was doing OK.
Eventually, the full supply will come in. Though now when you only get a few drops at a time, it doesn't seem that way!
For us, the first few months were the hardest. You feel like a fool, not knowing what to do or expect from this new life. But as others said, it really & truly does get easier. You can do this.
((((Amy))))) I wish I could do something to cheer you up!
Gimme that baby, I'm gonna chew on him's little feet for a while!
Damn that woman for making you feel incompetent. You are doing a great job, and remember, whether the baby is drinking from the boob or the bottle, whether he's getting breast milk or formula, he will be fine. I have yet to see a study that proves breast milk makes babies invincible, or that formula turns them into Forrest Gump.
Definitely get a new lactation consultant. Sweet Lord, that woman should be shot. You should have shot her. Where was your gun? Can I come shoot her for you? You poor thing. Sending cyberhugs, cyberpats, cybertea and cybersympathy.
Amalah, babies always lose weight at first, don't worry about it. You're at least being proactive and supplementing the breast milk with formula--my dumbass ex-SIL let my nephew actually starve for 2 months b/c she was too stubborn to admit that her breast milk wasn't enough..
And Lactation Consultant? Fuck off, Bitch. Grr..
Amalah & Jason - you are wonderful, superb parents already! Bugger no's 1-19, they're irrelevant - even tho it hurts ... poor babies - you're doing great! And I bet Jason is even crazier about you than evah, so nyah! Hugs to all the family, you make me cry with happiness.
PS I lost 97% (!!!) of my birth-weight after a couple days, back in 196mfmfmf, and I'm a fine healthy curvy woman now, doggoneit! Death to all mean lactation consultants and obnoxiousw scales!
Oh, I'm sorry the first week has been so harried.
My milk didn't come in until day 5 and E lost so much weight and was so jaundiced that I had to supplement with formula. I cried and cried over this because I felt like such a failure but eventually it worked out and I ended up bf-ing for a year. So as hard as it is, don't give up. You can do this. Also, if you can get yourself a nicer lactation consultant because Lansinoh is THE BEST. Ever. Ahhh... relief.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Also, Noah is quite yummy :)
I want to give you a huge hug. but I can't because I'm at work and you're at your home. You've got a beautiful baby, and a wonderful husband, and you just did an amazing thing less than a week ago and all of you are going to be fine.
I spent the first few weeks of Joe's life convinced that I couldn't make enough milk to sustain him (he was about 8.5 lbs at birth,) and he lost more than the recommended amount of weight in the first month or so. Then we both caught on, and I produced enough (not as much when I pumped, but he got plenty full when I nursed him.)
Nurse as you can, supplement with formula as you need to, and know that you are doing what's best for Noah even when it's not what you wanted to be able to do. Every baby is different and some of them just need to have some formula. I have a 100% formula fed boy who is just as healthy as my nursed-for-almost-a-year boy, if that's any consolation at all.
You are doing just great. Shame on that LC for making you feel bad. I had one like that after my Noah was born too and I think it's especially cruel to belittle and shame a first time mom who's already terrified and exhausted and super-hormonal.
And yes, breast pumps suck HARD. The only assvice I'll throw out here is to make sure the 'cups' (or cones, or whatever the hell they're called) really fit YOUR breasts. They come in several sizes. That makes a world of difference.
Please get a different lactation consultant! And, if you tell us where the old one is, I'm sure we can get together (your readers) and we'll drive over and give her a big talking-to.
What could you possibly doing wrong for the circ site? From what I remember w/my son's, it's pretty basic. Does she have some special thing she likes done or in some crazy order? I can't imagine what she could possbily complain about.
I wish I could drive over there and help out, but cyber hugs and well-wishes will have to do. Remember - it will get easier. Promise.
*hugs* I'm sorry your going through such a hard time. Everything will get better, though, and one day you'll look back on this entry and laugh. Well, maybe not laugh but realize that all of it was worth it for your son. =)
Hey Amy -
I remember all the feelings you're going through oh so well. I'm going out on a limb here to say, don't feel like a failure if breastfeeding doesn't work out. There's an incredible amount of pressure to make it work, but sometimes it's just more important to make sure that you are coping with this huge adjustment to your life. I gave up nursing my first after a week of frustration, and then my second nursed automatically from birth with no issues. I'm expecting my third now, and with the benefit of experience I know everything will work out, whether this one nurses or eats formula, but I remember how hard it was with my first. You're doing great! And it does all get easier!
What is that lady thinking? Doesn't she know that pregnant and post pregnant women are slightly hormonal and any little innocent comment could make them feel like a bad mother! She's terrible. I hope you are able to find someone else and/or that your problem is solved.
YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER, I promise. Lots of women go through this and you will be just fine as will Noah. My nephew didn't like my sister's milk and even on formula he lost 10% of his birth weight. You both will be fine.
He is so cute, just keep smelling the head...
God that new baby smell is the BEST thing ever, is it not? Your e-mail takes me back 4 years ago when I was a new mom. Nursing is hard, and it hurts A LOT at first--why does nobody ever tell people that before the baby comes along? Sorry you are feeling so guilty, but it will all be OK. Give the BF your best shot and if it doesn't work out its not the end of the world. I had a much easier time after the first week, just when I was about to throw in the towel, so hang in there a few more days to see if things improve (and I hope they do). Glad to hear you are thoroughly enjoying your sweet baby boy, despite the stress. He is a beauty :-)
Adrienne
OMG, it is NOT YOUR FAULT that you're not producing "enough" breastmilk. First thing that would help would be to relax, yes I know it's easier said than done. Can you get a new lactation consultant? Cuz that one sounds like a total bitch. *hugs*
If this gets deleted as 'assvice' I'll totally understand, I just didn't know how else to word it. Sorry.
Big hugs to you (just like everyone else). I remember and it is HARD!
Just a few quick things that worked for me to kick that milk production into high gear:
1) Drink, drink, drink. Lots of fluids
2) Oatmeal (for some reason -- not sure what it is). But I put away the oatmeal cookies. For the baby's sake, of course.
Also, you can get a prescription for Reglan which will help kick your boobs into high gear. You can get that from either your doctor or Noah's doc.
Good luck!
You can do this Amy. It is so hard, I know, but you're smart and strong and you have a wonderful husband to help you through it.
But #6 pisses me off. That was SO not what you needed to hear!!
People can be such bastards. I normally wear size 40DD and yet ironically was also a substandard milk producer (not that they labeled me or anything) only my left boob produced milk and not so much. Little Moo was on formula within in a week. He was also a nine pound baby....so I don't know if big babies makes a difference or not..but contrary to the lactation consultants dire predictions he was 12 pounds at his one week aptment and is currently a 30 pound 19mth old in the 100 percentil for height and weight and all that jazz. Don't let them get you down...they're just grumpy cuz you got to take the baby home!
*HUGE HUGS* I had feeding problems as well like you and it seems most of the other women who posted (good to know even though it’s almost 3yrs after the fact). I think I'm going to spare you the story that goes here, but just remember, there are those of us who have fought the same or similar battles and our children are just fine and no worse for wear.
*hugs* It will get better. I promise.
I was about to say something like number 20 but you said it already. See? That's a sure fire sign that you are rational and you're a good mother, and you're doing your very best. And also? It's not even been a week, give yourself a break, they don't come with instructions, and it sounds like you're doing a great job.
Did the lactaction consultant bother reassuring you that bigger babies lose more birthweight than small ones? My 8 lb, 13 oz jumbo became a 7 lb, 2 oz weakling and I freaked out too. But they gain it back! Don't worry!
I cried like a fucking banshee that whole first week. It gets better soon, I promise!
Amy he's beautiful and healthy and you're right, everything will fall into place. Just hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
*grabs pitchfork* Where is this l/c? And could you imagine if *she* has never breastfed?!? I think you should get a new l/c, stat.
Anyway, I'm so sorry this is all happening to you. I'm hoping it will all work out, and everything and everyone will be just fine. And Noah is so incredibly beautfiul!
Oh Amy, I have been in your shoes with the milk thing and I know how crazy it can make you. It does get easier. It does. I pumped for my twins for 10 months. My husband said he would gladly throw my "hospital grade" pump out the car window when I finished, but no one has scars from the experience. The pain goes away too. Hang in there. Ignore the milk nazi and and keep on focusing on the miracle of your tiny little man. Whatever works for you guys is the right thing.
HUGS Amy, you poor thing. It'll get better and easier, and I am totally in love with Noah. What a handsome sweetpea and the little crossed legs kill me.
Hope Ceiba is feeling better soon and don't worry, she'll never remember this time. Do whatever you have to do to feel better.