Things That Have Reduced Me To Hot Hysterical Tears In The Past 24 Hours
October 05, 2005
Items marked with * have been assigned SUPER BONUS POINTS for happening out in public.
1) The clueless cashier at Babies R' Us who, completely oblivious to the car seat attached to our cart, looked at my belly and asked when I was due.*
2) Guilt over thinking that I'm kind of glad Ceiba isn't around because she really can be a huge pain in the ass. But also guilt over not going to visit her at the vet after her surgery.
3) The news that Ceiba will be put on the doggie equivalent of bed rest for the next two weeks, which is so so sad but OH MY GOD, I'VE BARELY BEEN ABLE TO STAY IN BED THIS WEEK AND IF SHE GETS PAMPERED MORE THAN ME I WILL THROW HER OUT THE WINDOW.*
4) The words "8 pounds, 13 ounces."*
5) Also: "poor milk supply," "hospital-grade breast pump," "20 minutes every two hours" and "dad will feed baby formula while mom pumps."*
6) A lactation consultant who, while I was still sobbing over items 4 and 5, proceeded to berate me about all of the following: the pacifier she spotted in my diaper bag, our technique for caring for Noah's circ site, my use of Lasinoh, my choice of breast pump and nursing pillow, our plan to buy a baby swing and my nursing bra from Target. By the time she asked what brand of diaper rash cream we used I could only cower in my chair and tremble in terror.*
7) Strapping myself to an electric breast pump in the living room while Jason feeds Noah formula in the nursery and feeling like a goddamn malfunctioning milk cow.
8) Pumping while Jason feeds Noah formula next to me because after all the various indignities to my body this man has witnessed over the past week, this has GOT to be the one that will guarantee that he will never look at me as a sexual being ever again.
9) Holding Noah after pumping myself dry and watching him turn towards my breast and try to latch on through my shirt and then scream in frustration.
10) Pumping and pumping and pumping and only producing embarrassing tiny amounts of milk each time.
11) Blinding rage at body for producing a baby too big for me to provide milk for. Debilitating fear after realizing just how thin Noah has gotten since dispatched to my care.
12) PUMPING HURTS. HUUUURRRRRTTTTSS.
13) An accidental glimpse of myself naked in the mirror.
14) The first poop from Noah since we've been home from the hospital (formula-induced, of course). The first poop from me since we've been home from the hospital (colace-induced, of course).
15) Realizing too late that I'd let my pain medication wear off completely due to my preoccupation with pumping and obsessing over the loss of Noah's delicious fat rolls.
16) Realizing that OH MY GOD, it's time to fucking pump AGAIN.
17) Noah's cheeks, nose, mouth, neck, belly, hands, feet and bottom.
18) This one face he makes where he looks just like Jason.
19) This other face he makes where he looks just like me.
20) Looking into his face and realizing that everything is going to be okay and that everything on this list vanishes with the slightest sniff of the top of his head.
Also, thought of something to make you feel better about the bitch in the first point--I recently had a clerk ask me when I was due, too...I'm a size 6. I weigh 110 lbs. I think something about the magnetism of the cash register sucks out their brains, their tact, or their eyes. Maybe all three.
Oh, I remember that smell! There is nothing on earth like the scent of fresh baby, especially YOUR baby.
Babies generally do lose some weight the first couple of weeks--don't fret. Noah is healthy and beautiful. My daughter was never a fat baby, always long and lean. We caught a lot of flak for it, but now she is 6 feet tall--still lean--and extremely healthy.
Hang in there. You are a great Mom, Jason is a great Dad, and Noah is just absolutely the bomb in his sassy suit!
And I thought I was having a bad day because of stupid support desk people not knowing what they're talking about...
((((Amalah))))
Oh you poor dear! Lactation consultants do seem to be a hard-nosed lot, for some reason.
The upside to pumping is you can't be expected to participate in things like changing diapers or doing the dishes or changing the liner in the diaper pail, because hello!! you're strapped in like a guernsey, and in fact, would really appreciate it if someone brought you a cool drink and rubbbed your feet. And you can usually claim control of the remote as well. Actually, an emergency c-section should guarantee control of the remote until Noah goes to college.
With all the comments you are receiving, I don't know if you will even read this, but in case you do...(here comes my assvice)I had the EXACT same scenario when I got home. Low milk supply, baby dropped weight (and got dehydrated), nazi lactation consultant. All will be fine. Above all else do what feels right FOR YOU. If that means sticking with pumping and breastfeeding -- great! If that means feeding him formula -- great! From my personal experience -- the pumping all the freaking time schedule the lactation consultant put me on was making me insane -- I wished I had done less of that and just put him on the breast more, which was my natural instinct. I ended up switching to formula after a week or so and my child is F-I-N-E AND BEAUTIFUL AND HEALTHY. He just had his 5 year check up and the doctor said he is a perfect and healthy little boy. Noah is VERY lucky and blessed to have you both!
I am desperately trying not to show these latest adorable pictures to my boyfriend because, as much as I've been showing him pictures of a pregnant Amalah and a newborn Noah, he may be thinking that my clock is ticking.
You and Jason love him. That's the most important thing. You've hit a rough patch but sweet little Noah is in loving, capable hands.
By the way, that is THE cutest onesie ever. EVER.
oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god.
Amalah it is going to be OK. you are a FANTASTIC MOTHER. Please please please don't get overwhelmed, you are doing everything right! Don't let anyone get to you!
I just wanted to give you hugs and hugs and hugs, but you'll just have to settle for one big e-hug from your blog family! We love you, we think you're great, we think you're perfect, and we think you are an AMAZING MOTHER.
Thinking of you!
I'm sorry things suck so much right now. I had two evil lactation consultants after Bear was born. Luckily, the third was great. But the first two - I seriously considered throwing out the nearest window.
So sympathy and empathy.
*ASSVICE SPOILER!!*
Don't ask me how I have come to know this...but it's PROVEN that artisinal or European beer helps with milk production. Not Old Milwaukee or some other yellow pee with foam...but the real...old fashioned beer. One or two a night.
I have two friends who SWORE by it. Relaxes you AND stimulates milk production. You can google it when you aren't insanely tired and busy doing other baby stuff.
*Back to Regular Post a Comment Hugs*
(((HUGS))) Here's what I'd do with the pumping maching....*WHACK!* Hit the LC repeatedly over the head with it. It'd leave a mark, but who cares.
Hang in there...Momma Amy is a good mom...and Baby Noah can't possibly be any cuter...
Why do all of your posts make me want to cry. This time it's not from happiness. I can't believe what a bitch that lactation consultant was to you. That makes me so mad.
I'm very sorry about the low milk supply, but don't worry about Noah losing weight. I don't know if it's already been mentioned, but it's normal for newborns to lose some weight in the first week. Hang in there girl!
That bedding really is awesome.
Girl, I had a 10.5 lb monster baby that my boobies couldn't properly feed. Despite the crushing feelings of inadequacy that were undoubtedly exacerbated by the mommy molotov cocktail they call hormones, I got over it, he got over it, and, after a week of hell, burning nipples, and weight loss, we decided to use formula.
Good God, I hope I didn't just invoke the wrath of the lactation-at-any-cost terrorist league.
Hugs. Anyone who doesn't want to shop at Target for baby supplies should be shot, deported, and fired. In that order.
I usually lurk shyly so you have no idea who I am. Also, I'm pressed for time so I haven't read all the above comments and thus I'm probably repeating what has been said, but it's okay because it's important enough to repeat.
Your LC is a bitch. I'd suggest finding a new one - contact your closest La Leche League branch (lalecheleague.org)for help, advice, and maybe even a meeting. There are other options that you can try and for the love of all that is holy, anyone who would talk to you like that LC did should not be doing any sort of work that causes them to be around mothers who have recently given birth.
Your baby is absolutely beautiful. I always feel weird saying a boy is beautiful, like it's the wrong word, but he just really is.
i haven't even read the other comments because i have such rage for your so-called lactation consultant! she sounds positively evil!
i nursed my babies because i could, but i have told many friends before to do what's best for baby and mom and forget about what anyone else has to say about it. happy mommy=happy baby and happy baby=happy mommy and that's it. the end.
Poor Amy! I would highly reccomend you fire your lactation consultant and find one who is more relaxed and you can work with. I had the same thing happen in August with a high-strung LC and when I switched it made an incredible difference.If the advice doesn't feel right, follow your instincts! Good luck:) Kirsten
That baby is precious! Nursing is hard early on. Keep at it (if you want to). The only thing that got me through the first couple weeks of nursing is that my mother-in-law did not want me to nurse. She thought it was yucky and I also think she thought the baby should live at her house. Yes, I am that stubborn when it comes to my mother-in-law, so I kept at it. It gets a lot easier.
(She also thought she was going to be the baby's day care when I went back to work. Perhaps she should have asked me if I was going back to work.)
Liz
You poor thing... hang in there!
As for the lactation consultant... direct her over to my blog and tell her to read this post: http://justlinda.blogspot.com/2005/09/have-i-gone-all-psycho-opinionated-on.html I'd like to pour her an overflowing cup of STFU. Grrrr....
Sending you so so many hugs and good thoughts. You are going to be a WONDERFUL mother. Noah is such a lucky boy.
Being a new mom is HARD. It will get easier, just stick with it. We all believe in you. :) Here's a ((GIANT HUG)).
PS Noah is gorgeous.
Fire the LC. Now. If you need help finding a good one, post about it here and you'll get a hundred recommendations from the D.C. folks. She is not helping.
had to post (not that you asked for the assvice, sorry)...
my tip (had a sick baby and couldn't nurse, learned a lot when #2 came around).
some people (esp. first time moms) don't let down easily to the pump. finally saw a great lactation consultant who recommended we latch first, and if he was hungry to supplement first with any pumped milk, then formula. so, i latched both sides, then pumped every 3 hours at least. then, i stopped with the pumping, he stopped with the bottles, and we were set (for the next 20 months). it'll happen. don't worry.
best to all of you.
I actually hope you haven't gotten this far reading comments and are finally getting a little rest.
I had all of the above problems. I finally found an amazing LC (after suffering at the hands of a TOTAL BITCH) when my daughter was NINE DAYS OLD. She hadn't starved, she'd had some formula, sucked on a binky and she wasn't confused about nipples. She was FINE. (I cried my eyes out for three weeks, of course.)
Nursing is a piece of cake for some and REALLY FUCKING HARD for others. If you can stick it out, great! If you switch to formula, they have some wonderful ones to choose from. Don't let anyone try and tell you what to do with your own child. You are the best parents for Noah and he knows it.
You will figure it ALL out. Oh, and, have that beer mentioned above. I've heard in the UK they used to prescribe a Guinness every day for nursing moms (and the National Health Service PAID FOR IT!)
Big Hugs! I too had a large baby - my son was 8 pounds 9 ounces and it was very difficult to keep him fed with just breastmilk. We went to full formula after 8 weeks and things got beter for me.
Part of this crying you know is post pardom hormones, and they suck! I'm so sorry. If Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Trust your instinctsand you'll be great.
p.s. - all Lactation consultants are bitches. I think that is written somewhere in their job description! ;)
I've never posted during my last year or so of reading. But I feel so badly for you, I just had to add something.
Amy, from what I've read you're obviously a talented writer, a great wife, a wonderful friend to have and just a really good person. Boobs and their output do not determine the worth of the mommy. But I know that's not easy for you to believe right now with all the stuff that gets thrown at new moms.
Also? I live in the DC metro area and would be happy to slap around the lactation lady for you :-) You know, just an idea.
I'm so sorry to hear that things are rough right now. Adjusting to the whole motherhood thing is hard enough without breastfeedinb being so hard. Your lactation consultant sounds awful. I would pick up the phone and call La Leche League. They really know what they are doing and should be able to help out.
Pumping is a total pain and Noah will be a lot more efficient than any pump. The best way to up your milk supply is to get him latched on (easier said than done at first, I know). I agree with the others that you should just keep putting the baby on the breast. Above all, trust your own instincts and do what works for you.
Last thing, big babies lose more weight initially. Don't let that freak you out. My daughter was 9 lbs 9 oz and lost over a pound in the first three days. As a new mom it freaks you out, but it's okay. Really. You want to make sure that the weight loss doesn't continue, but it's perfectly normal to have a big dip the first week. I've had three other good friends who had big babies and had their doctor freak out on them because of the the percentage of weight loss.
Good luck and take care.
I'm so sorry that the beginning has been so rough for you. But what a sweet boy you have. The lactation consultant can just suck it. I actually had a nurse tell me, at the beginning, that my boobs were too small, and that's why my daughter was having a hard time latching. Luckily, we did have a good lactation nurse. I know lots of poeple have probably said this already, but know that if breastfeeding doesn't work out for any reason, your boy will be just fine. Take care! It gets easier, really. (What was her problem with the lansinoh? I don't get that.)
I know you are getting a million of the same advice but I had a bad consultant too. I cried and cried. But my pediatriction (sp) told me that formula was fine and If stress the baby will stress. And there is no proof to the fact that breast fed babies are healthier. My kids are 8 and 4 now and you can put them up to other 8 and 4 year olds and no one knows who was breast fed and who wasn't.
I just wanted to say that I had the same troubles you are having (had to supplement with formula, baby lost over 10 % of his birth weight, etc). And it did get better! One week after he was born I FINALLY had a good milk supply. And that was for a moderately sized 7 lb 12 ouncer who had dipped down to 6 lb 14. Your body just needs some ramp up time! You will do great.
You are a great mom and don't let that stupid lacation consultant get you down.
PPS Find a La Leche League meeting near you. I don't know how into attachment parenting you are, but the sympathy and advice and just plain old niceness you can get from that group is wonderful. Hope that helps.
Seriously just post the lactation lady's name. Us DC-Metro area folks will take care of her. Maybe you could do an acrostic so it won't seem so obvious! :)
And also I am sending you such postive wishes that you have a beautiful stress-free day filled with lots of breastmilk and sleep and less pain, hormones, and bitchy lactation consultants.
My twins were preemies. I pumped right from the start and continued for 8 months. I tried breastfeeding numerous times but it was a no go.
Your supply will go up I promise. Soon you'll be pitting your boobs against each other to see who can fill the bottles first. It took a good week for my milk to come in.
Hi there Cutie Pie! Lots of people waited a long time to catch a glimpse of you.
Hi Boobies! You just get out as much milk as you can and leave the rest to formula. It'll be okay.
Oh babe. I'm sorry. Nursing was very difficult for me as well. In fact, it sucked ass. I hope everything gets better soon.
I went through the same thing, and eventually went to formula full time b/c I didn't get any milk when pumping. Don't feel guilty, 6 months later I still have guilt. As long as the baby is being feed it's fine. My lactation conultants advice was to starve the baby until he learned food comes from the breast.
Feed the baby and you are fine.
I feel your pain and it does get so much better. I vividly recall sobbing--tears streaming down my face while trying to comfort few days old baby. And trying to sing "You are my sunshine" at the same time. I felt overwhelmed and helpless and not up to the job. And tired tired tired... Luckily my husband was there to gently tell me to go to bed for a while. Just keep telling yourself it does get easier.
REST REST REST rest + FLUIDS FLUIDS fluids = MILK
If you can't rest, the milk quality that you make will be more like "non-fat" than the "1/2+1/2" of a well-hydrated, rested Mama. It WILL get better for you both - don't lose your faith! He will gain all of that weight back and soon...did they tell you that as long as he is wetting 10 diapers/day he is getting enough to eat? You're doing great!
he is so dang beautiful!! i have baby-head-smell envy!!
Chiming in with everybody else here. I have a bounteous rack that just screams "FEEDER" but couldn't seem to produce when the time came, so don't beat yourself up about it - it will be allright. And that lactation consultant?? She should know better than to be all judgmental and bitchy with new mothers - good lord. Was it her first day on the planet or something?? Sniff the top of Noah's head and repeat after us - "it will be OK, it will be OK, it will be OK", 'cause it will.
Lactation consult biatch. *slap*
Eye yi yi. Don't beat yourself up Amy. (Here come's the mom talk) you are doing the absolute best you can! You are STILL gorgeous, talented and witty. And? Now you have what looks like the perfect child. I wouldn't be suprised if Hitler rose from the grave to clone him a milllion times. A new race of all Noahs ;)
You are being WAY too hard on yourself. I wouldn't even know where to begin except to say 1) f&*k the lactation consultant - everything I have read says pacifiers are okay up to 3-4 months of age 2) Noah will be okay and your milk supply will catch up and 3) I did buy a nursing bra at Target and a nicer bra from Bravada (at a hospital store) - hands down, the nicer bra was worth the price tag. I will hunt for more of them on-line to save money, but it was well worth going to a professional and getting measured.
In short - it's YOUR BABY - you are an intelligent gal and you are not going to ruin him for life. Screw what other people think!
P.S. The Prince of Everything is such a cutie! Now THAT'S inspiration!
I'm learning so very many things about this whole experience from you, Amy. I truly appreciate you putting your heart and soul out on the internet. My mother passed away when I was little (although I know others who had their mothers didn't find them the "dream" resource I imagined) and your experiences are helping me mentally prepare to start my own family. I truly appreciate you sharing your reflections of your experiences...(that lansinoh site is really interesting!)
I know you've got lots of people rooting for you, and a wealth of information at your fingertips, so I hope you find the answers you are looking for, the help you deserve, and become comfortable (and eventually confident enough) in your new role as mother to assert your mommy perogative. You've got balls, girl, and I know the Queen of Everything won't tolerate people stepping on her delicate little feelings for long.
So very proud and happy for you.
Oh, it is so very difficult to keep from giving advice in the fear it might turn to be an assvice :(
I think you are blessed with one very nice baby, *the fruit of love* as someone might put it, and you are so very much trying to do all things right.
Babies DO loose weight, and milk sometimes DOES come a bit late. The small amount of milk you are producing now must be the colostrum, as someone else has already said. The amount is small, because the baby does have some extra fat to feed himself from. Also, because you are not an XXXL and Jason is also not a giant, do not expect the baby to remain ginourmous. You both have slim and tender figures. If Noah does not grow into a super-sized baby it is your good genes, and not your fault.
Your boobs just might need some time. You are a first time mother and Noah has been with you in the outside for just a couple of days. Compare that time to your pre-Noah-time. See what I mean? Just trust your body. But some rest might do.
I think I was kind of excited over my first kid and would have been annoyed by almost anything said by strangers. I just kept doing what I thought would suit us: Me and my newborn.
I won't pretend I have any advice, but know that Jason loves you; Jason and Noah know that you are a good mommy and that's it.
Hug. I know exactly how you feel. Had the same experience with my first (but not with the 2nd, b/c I knew the history and was ready.) Many women are just not producers, simple as that. My first son lost almost 40% bw before I gave up on the solely nursing thing. Do what you believe you should. Don't let anyone tell you different, it's your angel. I do give your lc bonus pts for recommending formula, so many won't. (And doesn't it just suck the big one that not only was it a horrible experience, but you had to pay, and insurance will prob. not pay for it?) And if J. was able to stay in the room and watch the lovely pumping, then he WILL see you in a sexual way again:) Deep breaths. This is the hardest part, and it really doesn't last that long.
BEER!!!!! Drink a beer, it totally helps with the milk production not to mention it will help you relax! One beer won't hurt Noah, Dr. Spock even recommends it!
Finally delurking to say that I feel your pain. A year ago today, I had my little boy (via c-section) who was almost exactly same size as Noah. Despite my ginormo "equipment" I couldn't keep up with the little guy (thimble-sized pumping efforts, I kid you not). I tried the beer-a-day trick which didn't work for me supply-wise, but it certainly did wonders for my anxiety levels! In any event, it does get better. I have a primarily formula fed one year old - and he is one happy and healthy kid (and to think, I bought nursing and nursery gear at Target!). Hang in there and don't be too hard on yourself - you're a great mom and appear to be very reasonable person, unlike certain lactose consultants who shall remain nameless.
At least you have the wherewithall to know that #20 is the ONLY thing that matters.
My wife and I were in Babies R' Us a couple weeks ago picking out a jogging stroller for me to take our 5.5 month old out in. A japanese woman came up to my wife, who was picking our daughter up out of the stroller, and asked my wife how old our daughter was. Then she looked at my wife's belly and asked her if she was having TWINS!
Since my wife isn't pregnant anymore, let alone with twins, and had just found out she lost 3 lbs that week at weight watchers, she was justifiably upset. :-)
Remember not to sweat the small stuff...In 3 months you're going to look back at your pictures and wonder how Noah ever could have been that tiny (although he'll be even cuter by then, if that was at all humanly possible).
Amygirl, you and the baby are going to be just fine, please try not to guilt yourself. Please. You are doing great, and we're all thinking of you out here in TV Land. I found the first three weeks of nursing to be extremely difficult and not natural at all. I had a special song i used to sing, it went ai-yi-yi-yi-FUCK.
i found that drinking from a huge glass of ice water helped me concentrate on something other than my "barracuda baby" on my breast, and the Lactation Nazi who gave my sweet girl that nickname. Bigger babies can be aggressive nursers, did someone already mention this? i'm, like, the 100th post today.
xxox
Whoops - LACTATION consultant not LACTOSE consultant. The fact that I had trouble now makes a little bit more sense, huh?