This is the Best I Can Come Up With When Left to My Own Devices
October 24, 2005
Today I am on my own. Just me, the baby, the cat and the busted-up dog.
Oh, and the kitchen contractor guy, who is here to finally (FI. NAL. LY.) finish our goddamn kitchen.
I have no idea what I'm doing all of a sudden. Noah cries and I just stare at him like, "You're going to have to give me more information, because I have no idea what you want and the more you cry the more I can sense the judgement of the kitchen contractor guy because I CANNOT GET YOU TO SHUT UP."
THESE ARE ALL THE PARENTING TRICKS I KNOW HOW TO DO:
1) Pick him up.
2) Offer boob.
3) Offer other boob, because hooray! There are two!
4) Change diaper, get peed and/or pooped on, stay cool about it.
5) Swaddle.
6) Walk in circles.
7) Walk in zig-zags.
8) Reason with child in a soothing, high-pitched voice.
9) Dump child in swing.
10) Shove pacifier in mouth.
Let's just say I spend a lot of time replacing the batteries in the swing and even more time reinserting the lost pacifier into his mouth. Rinse, repeat, life goes on.
I am proud of the fact that I managed to get a shower this morning, which I accomplished by dragging the bouncy seat into the bathroom and periodically sticking my foot out to give it a bounce or two. (Noah enjoys the bouncing, but not the battery-powered soothing vibrations, which makes me kind of hate the bouncy seat because WHAT IS THE POINT IF I AM STILL EXPECTED TO ATTEND TO HIS NEEDS? RAISE MY CHILD, FISHER PRICE AUTOMATION!)
When I stepped out of the shower, Noah greeted my naked self with a look that can only be described as wide-eyed horror. I don't blame him -- I make the same face when confronted with a full-length mirror these days -- and I'm actually hoping the sight will be enough to put him off girls for several decades.
AND ANOTHER THING NOAH WILL ONE DAY DISCUSS WITH HIS THERAPIST:
(The sleeper says "Give peas a chance." Get it? GEDDIT? And the hat is a little peapod thing? Because it is cute and we are lame? Anyone? Hello?)
Yes, it is cute. Not lame at all.
Is it lame that I wore the same thing to work ysterday?
Very cute. And at least you can say that you are not wearing "Whirled Peas". Well, at least not yet.
Oh my goodness, he is so adorable. That's the cutest thing I've seen all week!
Adorable outfit! You are doing a great job!
Hey Look! Your rings fit! Or was that something you've already mentioned, and I'm just slow?
And once again...he's soooooo freakin' cute!
What a cute outfit!
aw look at the wittle pea pod.
That's one cute pea!!
Is that outfit from that totally organic, au natural baby clothes place? They have a website that I can't remember, but I'm relatively certain it's not ThatTotallyOrganicAuNaturalBabyClothesPlace.com.
So cute. I'm not sure how to caption the first five photos, but the sixth is definitely "Resignation."
Tee hee! Love the outfit.
He looks cute! In the pics, he looks like he goes from fighting the peapod outfit, to just giving up and resigning himself to it. And that's the true meaning of parenthood right there.
In the last one he looks like he's completely resigned to the humiliation of it all.
And you! Look at you with your waist and whatnot! So lovely!
so...you have a pea that pees??
(sorry, i got nothin.)
Oh, you reminded me of those desperate early days when I was home on maternity leave with my son. I remember being terrified to take him out in public because he might start crying and everyone would thing I was a horrible mom because I couldn't make him stop. Are there any sounds that soothe Noah? Bathroom exhaust fan, vacuum cleaner, etc? With my son it was the air conditioner unit. So, I would take him out in the back yard and stand next to the AC unit approximately 800 times a day. After 12 weeks of that non-stop fun fest, going back to work was a relief!
Once again you bring back many memories (from just 15 months ago). I was told I would "know" my baby's cries. What? I didn't. So, I tried everything until something worked.
And the first shower without any help. I have a girl and her look was more of a "oh shit, I did that!? Mommy, I'm sorry!"
I also think I spent more money on like double X batteries for the damn swing than I spent on diapers.
Noah? Why don't you like the soothing vibrations? I'll give you some peas if you learn to like the soothing vibrations. Mommy would be very grateful if you liked the soothing vibrations.
One more thing, and this is very positive. I see your rings fit!? YAY!
Ha ha ha, he looks pissed as hell in the third picture. I love it!
The adorableness must stop, or I will be forced--FORCED--to throw away my birth control pills and pursue motherhood out of wedlock.
awww give pees a chance! HOW CUTE :) i love it.
a lil unknown mommy trick that took me many weeks, and a trip to the pedi to find out why my child was incessantly screaming for hours on end, is that sometimes they are sleepy! We don't realize they are sleepy, cuz they dont look it and they are just SCREAMING and all of our efforts to stop the screaming is fustrating them and making them angry that We Will Not Let Them Sleep! The pedi suggested putting her in her room with the lights off, and POOF in a few minutes the Crying Had Ended and she was Asleep!
Good Luck!
Ah the swing. Who ever invented the battery automatic baby swing deserves free booze for life.
When #2 was small and screamed non stop ALL THE FRICKIN TIME, his 4 yo sister carried a spare pacifier in her pocket at ALL TIMES to plug the noise. Sometimes he wouldn't even get out a whole cry before she plugged him up.
Mental note: No matter what, keep sense of humor.
Also? MUST. LOOK. AWAY... too much cuteness in one post...
Mental note: No matter what, keep sense of humor.
Also? MUST. LOOK. AWAY... too much cuteness in one post...
I'm so jealous you got a shower! Congratulations! I'm hoping the swing (aka the neglect-o-matic) will work it's magic and I might get to be clean at some point myself. Everyone says it gets much better after 4 weeks. I think they are probably lying. Good thing they are so damn cute.
Oh, LOVE the outfit!
awww, the outfit is adorable! Not lame at all.
You've pretty much got all the parenting tricks down, if you're not too tired yourself you can always put him in the car and just DRIVE.
HAHA Poop out of the back of the diaper!! Just you wait until he has a wall rattling blow out right in the middle of prayer at church (or any other place that is nice and quite like in which such noise would be equally inappropriate). Ah good times!
He looks like a cute little drunk! :)
About as drunk as I am right now only that I propably DON'T look cute anymore at this hour. To hell with it though...
I think you're doing a great job btw. Being your old fabulous self and a mommy. A fashionable one though. <3
Cute! So Cute!!
I love the middle right one...I guess img 1405? He's all "how you doin?" All flirty already... :-)
Give peas a chance. I totally get it dude. How cute is that. It would only be lame if, like, you were wearing it. But even then it would even be kinda cute.
Oh my god, the one where he's grabbing your finger and it looks like he's smiling...cutest one yet.
One of the fun parts of having a baby is that you can have fun with the baby, no matter how strange that fun might look (re:pea-shaped head-covers) - the point is that Mum and Baby both like it.
Knowing baby's cries? Fresh mothers (and by fresh I mean when baby is under 1 year of age) understand what their precious one needs just by listening to his/her crying?
Hm, my answer is a definite maybe.
Oh god, the broodiness is reaching a new pinnacle. Ach and gah and other 3 letter words which express dismay!
He is so beautiful!
I remember that feeling (not knowing what the baby is crying about) like it were yesterday.
Hang on a minute, reality just clobbered me and said "it WAS just yesterday!"
Never mind, I shant be dispensing advice...
Thank GOD your kitchen is getting work. Seriously. I feel for you. What with the hammering and the dust and the sawing, it's a miracle your nerves are not shot.
Good job on the shower. And Noah looks so cute -- like a pea in the pod.
Oh I SO remember the showering fiascos! Wheee!!!! I took the bouncy seat in the bathroom too. My girl never liked the bouncy seat much. I ended up getting a clear shower curtain so she could still see me. ::sigh:: You sure do learn how to wash fast with a screaming baby urging you on.
Have you tried the bouncy seat on the dryer trick? (That may be #2465 in the Parenting Handbook.) It never worked for me (and AS IF I would want to stand next to the dryer all day!), but you never know.
Does Noah make any cute noises when he sleeps? Mine sighed a lot. By the time I had the presence of mind to attempt to videotape her sleeping and sighing for posterity, she stopped doing it. Now she snores, which isn't as cute.
He it too damn cute. A shower ? And you didn't have to take him in with you ? I bow girlfriend, it took me to child #3 to figure that one out. You are truly the advanced model.
Sing to him, only change the lyrics. "Rock a bye Noah, what the hell did do ?" Stuff like that. My kids didn't quit crying, but it entertained me.
OMG, is Noah sneering in the last picture? Or is he just disgusted?
Either way, he looks cute.
The picture where he's smiling? Looks so much like you it's eerie. Also, the last picture there? That's the look of infant resignation.
You're doing a great job with that boy.
I used to have the book: "101 Ways to Soothe a Crying Baby." When all else fails, hold him and march around the room singing "Seventy-six trombones" at the top of your lungs.
Alternatively, you could put the bouncy seat outside the shower, put ear plugs in your own ears, close the shoewr curtain, and take a semi-peaceful shower.
It's a better alternative than throwing the crying baby out the window, which occurred to me a few times.
Anne
That is a adorable, adorable baby. And you'll get the hang of this I promise. Just, enjoy every second and then the little struggles aren't so hard. I know I know assvice, but it's not really it's more ecouragement.
I tried to warn you about the cute baby hats and the therapy that will result from them!!!! :)
ps - I'm FINALLY in labor. Right now. As I type. :)
Sooooooooo cute!!!!! I want one like him!!
you're doing a great job! it is so hard, and you'll constantly be doubting yourself, but you are the best, and noah knows it!
In our family we have what is known as the "turd-muncle dance." Muncle as in uncle with an "M" at the front. According to my sister, if you look it up in a very old and very large dictionery you will find that a muncle is a "pile of." You dance around the kitchen Ranchera Style(also known as the Mexican Shuffle). Aaaaaand you sing turd muncle, turd muncle, turd muncle. Sometimes it works.
jeez what a lame comment.
I can't believe you rinse the binky before popping it back in his mouth.
Amateur.
In our family we have what is known as the "turd-muncle dance." Muncle as in uncle with an "M" at the front. According to my sister, if you look it up in a very old and very large dictionery you will find that a muncle is a "pile of." You dance around the kitchen Ranchera Style(also known as the Mexican Shuffle). Aaaaaand you sing turd muncle, turd muncle, turd muncle. You have to be holding the baby for it to work. Sometimes it works. Old cowboy-baby trick.
jeez what a lame comment.
it was SUCH a lame comment I hadda add to it and double post that sucker!
sounds like he is nursing again. yay.
What a cutie! Don't worry, sometimes i get excited about showers too, and i don't even have kids...hmmm, why is it then that i am unclean?
Noah is adorable.
My second baby is 9 months and I am still working on my collection of good parenting tricks. Although I must say, I have found none that compair to the boob.
I love that outfit, and he looks adorable in it.I saw that outfit at Whole Foods the other day and had to resist buying one because it was a tad above my budget. I'm going to have to get one before my baby is born though, it is so cute!