Complete
Things That Have Reduced Me To Hot Hysterical Tears In The Past 24 Hours

We Broke the Baby

Not THE baby, but the other one.

Scene: Veterinary Emergency Room, midnight.

Amy Storch (as seen in The Washingtonian) hobbles into lobby. She's wearing a stunning ensemble of a stained white t-shirt and maternity sweatpants that she never actually wore during pregnancy because hello, frumpy. The nursing pads shoved into her ill-fitting nursing bra are clearly visible. She's wearing no makeup and her hair is in a ponytail on the top of her head, a la Britney Spears.The only trace of the girl she used to be is the designer diaper bag she's dragging behind her which THANK GOD she packed it up months ago, because otherwise it'd probably contain no actual diapers, much less the little tube of Vasoline and the extra baby socks that are in there now. You'd think she was four or five months pregnant if it weren't for the sight of her husband coming in behind her with a three-day-old infant in a car seat.

In her arms, she's carrying a very small dog. The very small dog's front leg is bent in a way that very small dogs' legs should not bend.

She gets to the front desk and can only sob.

Aaaaaaannnnnd...that was our first night home with Noah.

I'd just finished nursing Noah (who is down to an even 9 pounds because no one informed my boobs that I'd given birth to a two-month old), when I yelled at Ceiba to stop licking the baby for the frillionth time that day. She jumped off the bed.

And then there was some kind of Bouncy Seat/Hardwood Floors Incident and the next thing we knew she was howling in pain and sort of flailing all over the place.

I thought, for a split second, that she'd broken her back and I nearly blacked out.

But no, she broke her front leg. It's a clean break, but both leg bones are broken damn in two. She'll require surgery, which she'll get today. We left her at the vet last night so they could get her pain under control and apply a temporary splint.

(This whole mess will cost over three thousand dollars, which at this point I need to say if you people have pets and no pet insurance? You be insane.)

(Of course, I am saying this before I have called the pet insurance people to double-check that they will actually cover the surgery, because GOD, insurance companies are assholes.)

(Like our car insurance company, who we are currently dealing with because SOMEONE BACKED INTO OUR CAR IN THE HOSPITAL PARKING LOT AND DID NOT LEAVE A NOTE AND I WISH VERY VERY BAD THINGS ON THAT PERSON BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, IT'S A HOSPITAL PARKING LOT.)

God. I'm tired. All this shit is happening and yet I? Have not pooped since Thursday.

Anyway. Our first night home was less than a raging success, except for the real human baby part. He's fine. He's actually the most perfect child ever, in my opinion. I mean, he's sleeping on a Boppy pillow wrapped around my chest right now just so I could use the laptop and tell the Internet that my dog broke her leg because the Internet will understand.

Right? You understand. Just like my mom understood when I called her at 12:30 last night, scaring her out of her damn mind because all I could do at first was cry -- which of course meant that Noah was dead or sick or dead, but no, I was just calling because my dog is hurt and it's all my fault and I'm sitting here in the vet's office in ugly clothes and I left the Percoset at home and I brought the baby to the vet where he can catch rabies or something and I'm kind of a wreck, Mommy, can you just tell me everything is going to be okay?

She did, and it will. But...man, my poor little dog. I spent all day yesterday yelling at her to stop being a pain in the ass. I can only imagine what's going to happen one day when I yell at Noah to stop being a turd and then he like, gets a hangnail or something. I might not be able to forgive myself.

<and now, the obligatory baby photos>

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Comments

Lori

How long before we start calling him Noahlah? Doesn't that sound GREAT?!
Poor, poor Ceibalah--mmm, not so good.
I am so sorry I suggested swatting her on the ass with the Washintonian.

Melissa

I don't know. I think the dog might be an attention whore.

Congrats on the beautiful baby!

Magnolia

I wanted to add, that I just saw your diaperbag on Martha Stewart's new show she was giving it away to a audience full of pregnant women and I thought. 'Oh is the internet going to have a field day with -them-'

kim

Poor Ceiba! I can only imagine how you feel right now. Hang in there.

By the way, have I mentioned that Noah has the most intelligent looking little face I've ever seen on a newborn?

Shiz

Poor Amy. I hope you sleep and feel better and poop easily soon. And Ceiba will be all right. You'll see.

Kate

You've got the most photogenic family in the world. Especially Noah!

Oh: And if you made it through all of that the first night on your own with the baby, you're going to be fine with everything else!

Pam

First and foremost, Noah is gorgeous. What a handsome big boy :). Second, so sorry about the dog accident. Been there, done that (dog jumped out of a moving vehicle).

Third, stop taking the percocet!!! It is NOT helping the poop situation, trust me! After my first c-section it didn't "click" that the tylenol w/codeine could be blocking me up. It was and for three weeks I couldn't go to the bathroom without doing lamaze breathing. Second c-section, didn't take the narcotics and loaded up on colace pills and it was sooooo much better. So, if you can, try to stick to ibuprofen and take your colace!!! Good luck!!

Oh, and fourth. Good luck w/ the nursing. Hope your body adjusts to how much that big baby eats :). If not, don't beat yourself up about supplementing, ok? :)

Diane

That Noah has some long toes! Sorry to read about your dog, you better have plenty of green treats ready when you get her home. I HATED nursing pads. With my last child, I cut pantyliners down to fit in my bras. They are CHEAP, thin, flex and don't leak through. Also, adhesive which keeps them in place.

erika

Oh, poor Ceiba! And little Noah is absolutely adorable.

Mir

Ohhhhh honey. *patpatsoothepat* I'm so sorry. Ceiba will be okay, and you will be okay, and I'm sorry. (And the line about no one informing your boobs about birthing a 2-month-old? Classic.)

Undisclosed

That is so horrible! Poor little thing (you AND Ceiba). I hope she has a quick and easy surgery.

Angela

Aww, from one owner of a sick dog to another--it'll get better! And hey, at least you've got that little miracle of birth baby to look at and remind you of how freaking awesome life is :)

Trance

Oh my God, you're so nice. Because three days after my c-section, I would have been like, "Hello, Vet? You need to COME AND GET THIS DOG, because I AM NOT MOVING." Ack! Hope Doggie heals quickly. Babalah is gawjassss.

shayneegray

I'm sorry about your puppy, but I'm sure she'll heal quickly--she has spirit. And congratulations on your beautiful boy. I commiserate with you about the post c-section stoppage. The intestinal irregularity was by far the most uncomfortable thing about my c-section.

Broad

I'll bet Max pushed her off.

But you handled it like a champ.

Susan

Congratulations!

He looks like you, mommy!

MandyGirl

Poor things! All of you! Hope things settle down as much as possible...

(Loving the pics!!)

Real Girl

That crib photo, with the wee one an island in allllll that space is just too darling.

Ceiba! You poor sweetie! Not only are you now #2, but you're also all banged up. Feel better puppy.

Jen

Aww..get well soon Ceiba!!!
As for the "other problem", Sugar Free Candy. Peanut Butter Cups to be exact.

S. Faolan Wolf

Congratulations on new baby and much shared sorrow for cutie Ceiba's injuries.

Please post photos of poor little doggie when you can so we can all look at them and feel bad with you.

Best of luck on being a new mom and here's hoping you find the strength when you think you have none left.

White

Hello, Noah! And congrats, Amy and Jason!

-White

Jen-Again

Get well quickly Ceiba! I am so sorry you hurt you little bitty leg, and hope that your cast doesn't hurt too much. I had a cast once- it was cool, anjd people gave me lots of attention, so maybe this will work in your favor little doggy....

Amalah- I am sorry your first night was so traumatic- hopefully this is like rain on a wedding day- an omen of peace and tranquility for the rest of your journey.

Beverly

Aw...poor Ceiba...my heart goes out to you guys. We've been through that before (with no insurance...still banging our heads over that one!!) Anyway, congrats again on the beautiful new baby and sending happy thoughts for Ceiba's recovery.

mrscrumley

Poor Ceiba... what a funny little story to tell, later in Noah's life!
Noah is precious as well, so big and so handsome.
When our baby was 3 weeks old we had to take him with us to the emergency room, because his father had to go to the emergency room due to a wicked case of vertigo. We were there for waaaaaaay too long, but everyone kept us in a room with shut doors so the baby could be kept out of germs way.
Sounds like ya'll did ok (except the whole percocet thing). Good job.

Marilyn

Try to remember...IT WILL GET BETTER:)
It's amazing what a good nite's sleep will do!
You have a wonderful family (including the pet variety). You will look back as this being a "special" time in your life - in a good way.

Jen

I've been catching up on two year's worth of blogs since I found you in the Washingtonian. Congratulations on the babalah, who is perfect. And the dog? Will recover beautifully. That's what they do.

donna

The most important thing You will ever ever learn.....when it comes to teething time...egg white on his bum (the baby not your husband). It forms a barrier so when he wees in his nappy it wont get to his nappy rash.
That and don't wear cashmere when burping the baby...oh yeah... no matter how tired, how grumpy, how mummed out you are, you WILL feelbetter with lipstick on!

Shoesonwrong

Not that this will make you feel any better, but I have a suspicion that the day your poor doggy broke her legs was a day when THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE was all charged up to whoop some ass. Because I had pretty much the crappiest day I can remember having, well, ever on that same day.

So, in no way was Ceiba's accident a result of you or your actions. It was it was just the damn universe. Or something.

The baby, he is perfect.

donna

The most important thing You will ever ever learn.....when it comes to teething time...egg white on his bum (the baby not your husband). It forms a barrier so when he wees in his nappy it wont get to his nappy rash.
That and don't wear cashmere when burping the baby...oh yeah... no matter how tired, how grumpy, how mummed out you are, you WILL feelbetter with lipstick on!

Heather

You have WAY too many commnents for a new mom so I am giving you the Cliff's Notes bullets:
-Poor doggie! (she will be fine and its not your fault!)
-Beautiful baby! Good job! He's amazing.
-PAIN MEDS MAKE YOU CONSTIPATED! Google it if you want confirmation. No one told me after my c-section! The c-section pain was gone in 3-4 days but the constipation was awful. Call your nurse for advice. Hugs! Heather

eve

What is it with dogs becoming a thousand times needier the second you bring a baby home? Still, poor little puppy! On the boob issue: your boobs will catch up with your giant baby, but it's so hard not to feel like you're starving your baby during the first few weeks of breastfeeding. Everyone warns you about sore nipples, but no one tells you that you're going to be a complete basket case until your baby gets back up to his birth weight. Hang in there, Amy, you're doing great!

deb

you sure got more than your share for the first night! yikes. hope these past few nights have been calmer. he is one gorgeous, gorgeous boy. and I'm thinkin' you are one hot mom, sweats, ponytail and all. to handle all that! you must be!

Cara

What a beautiful baby! Congrats, congrats!!

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