Noah's Birth Story, Part Two
Or As Some Readers Will See It: Blah Blah Blah Baby Photo Blah Blah

Fashion Riot

Or, The Bitch Is Back

Dear Attendees of the Old Ebbit Grill Oyster Riot on Saturday Night, which was a Big Night Out for Amy, and Definitely Reason Enough to Get Dressed Up All Good and Pretty,

Learn how to fucking dress already, okay?

Now, I don't claim to be some kind of total fashionista who always looks awesome and who has never worn something unfortunate -- I mean, honestly, I spent most of this year in elastic waistbands and flip flops.

And I was extremely confused after Noah was born regarding what clothing was acceptable and how to look fashionable without looking like some kind of hobo bohemian bag lady and JESUS CHRIST, are people seriously wearing gaucho-style culottes? Like, non-ironically? Like, they honestly don't realize how awful those things look? They are perhaps the ugliest trend since the capelet, and man, capelets were really ugly.

I'm also not here to make fun of people who can't afford designer labels because hell, I bought my outfit on sale and wore shoes that I got 50% off last season. And considering this event was like, $100 a head for the common, unwashed non-wine-competition-judging public, nobody there was poor, okay? In fact, most of the outfits I'm here to rag on probably cost a lot of money, because NOBODY does tacky like the rich, you know?

Anyway. People.

Sometimes, it'd be nice for you consider that there are some other clothing options besides jeans. That there are other choices in the fabric universe besides denim. I'm just saying.

Go find something that requires ironing and put it on.

He hates what you're wearing.

And jeans + stilettos + lingerie tank top does not equal "dressed up." It equals "the world is my lame-ass nightclub."

Also it's time to let go of the poncho. You should no longer be wearing the poncho. No more of the poncho. The fashion mania for the poncho, it is now over.

And while I'd like to say "no more of the sequined, appliqued sailboat t-shirts paired with glow-in-the-dark jelly bracelets," this would imply that I believed there was more than one woman in the world who would show up at a large social function wearing a sequined, appliqued sailboat t-shirt paired with glow-in-the-dark jelly bracelets, and that is just too horrible a thought to ponder.

Why? Why do you make the baby cry with your hideous sequins?

It's also time that someone went on the record to say that yes, you totally CAN tell that you're wearing nude pantyhose with open-toed shoes. This was a mistake I made at a junior high dance, people, and I've never made it again. If you want to wear open-toed shoes in November, that's fine, but you just suck it up and deal with the cold legs. If you can't suck it up and deal with the cold legs, then you have no business trying to be some it's-always-summer-in-MY-HEAD person with the open-toed shoes.

Brown boots with brown tights and a brown skirt with a brown sweater do not make you look coordinated. They make you look like a turd with arms.

And let's not forget the menfolk: a baseball cap paired with a sportcoat? Makes me kind of want to punch you, and it makes you look like the type of guy who would cry if I punched you.

Bad: Wearing a Juicy Couture velour tracksuit to a 100-bucks-a-head party. Badder: Wearing a fake Juicy Couture velour tracksuit to a 100-bucks-a-head-party.

(Baddest: Being too drunk to control the volume of one's voice when spotting the fake Juicy Couture velour tracksuit and realizing that oops, she may have heard me, quick, let's all turn around and discuss this lovely random flower arrangement.)

(Bestest: Having a husband just bitchy enough to totally laugh about the fake Juicy Couture velour tracksuit too, because it's wonderful when insufferable snobs find each other, no?)

Anyway, we had a very nice time making fun of other people and eating oysters and drinking lots of wine. My boyfriend Justice Scalia totally ignored us, and one reader came up and said hi and she was all stylish and put together and totally the sort of reader I tell my advertisers that I have thousands of.

And no, I don't have any pictures of me all dressed up, which is probably for the best because you could all make fun of my so-last-season shoes.


This season, all the beautiful people are wearing Pampers.



Am I first?

LOL - hysterical entry.


I'm #2!


Now that I've ensured being first (yes, I'm a dork) I will take my time and craft my real comment. The people, they do dress ugly. I don't get it. Do they not have television? Do they not read magazines? How can they not know they look bad? They must know. Maybe they don't care?

Heather B.

"Brown boots with brown tights and a brown skirt with a brown sweater does not make you look coordinated. It makes you look like a turd with arms."

fucking hysterical.


Crying now...because I love my gauchos...they'll never be the same to me again because I know wearing them will make Noah cry too

In your opinion, does any shirt or shoe or purse out there make the gaucho okay? Are they really totally ugly? ack!


Ohhhh, the fashion bitterness. I second everything you said, although I did make the unfortunate purchase of some gauchos this summer.

Whoops with a capital W. My thighs were none too happy with that decision.

Keep up the good work, sista.


My friend and I hit Adams Morgan on Saturday and were very distressed at the number of men with painfully over-groomed brows. That ain't pretty.

Okay, last comment I promise.


i personally love my james perse culottes...don't knock them until you try them, miss priss. (of course, you definitely need to be a certain body type to pull them off)


I agree with the shiny, formless rayony gauchos being horrid. But I have to ask, will denim gauchos make baby Noah cry?

See I have a phobia of shorts and will not wear them no matter how hot the weather. For years I have combatted the heat with skirts of varying lengths, but this year I thought I had found my savior with the gauchos. Ankles cool=body cool.

But I don't want the precious baby to cry so please tell me what to wear in the summer.


I lost all concentration because that boy of yours is too damn adorable!


Oh, wow. I mentioned the gauchos on my site on Friday, and feel vindicated because stylish Amalah thinks they're fugly, too. Down with the gauchos!


Thank you, THANK YOU for putting the coup de grace in the poncho outburst. I never liked them much to begin with. It's time they went away.

I'm hopelessly unfashionable myself as a 6-month pregnant lady, but I hope to at least partially remedy this by a post-Thanksgiving trip to the Motherhood Maternity outlet.


If all posts start having Noah pictures with bylines regarding the topic of the post, I will be SO happy.


Rock on, Amy. Gauchos, good lord. For the love of God people, stop wearing them! Even if you are a 6ft leggy model, those hideous pants make you look like a 3ft diapered matron with hips the size of Maryland. Yikes.


Ok, THANK YOU for bashing the fucking culottes. Seriously. And the culottes with the boots? What's the point? First off, the culottes themselves look like you're headed down to retirementville. All you need is ugly grandma sandals and a polyester shirt. Or maybe a t-shirt that says Orlando stitched on it.

Also? This is why I dress classic. Because then I can buy lots of classic clothes that never go out of style and keep them forever. I limit that to the shoes and handbags.

Am I # 17?


can we have a contest, the winner being the person who has the most family members wearing appliqued anything at their thanksgiving gathering?


your post was hilarious and so satisfying. i have never liked DC much -- it is where my parents now live -- they love it -- and one of the big reasons i read your website (besides all the funniness) is so that i know there *are* stylish DC-ites, people who do not wear bland conformist clothing often in primary colors or khaki and are pudgy pasty overweight. i was wondering how you managed to inhabit/ignore those depressingly bland streets. now i know it can get to you too...

wish you could give us the rundown on antonin scalia's style! but i guess without anonymity and with the frequent reoccurence of these "oyster riots" you go to, maybe that is not such a good idea...


I may be stoned here, but I like the cropped pants this season. With some tall boots? Supa cute. But you're right about the wide leg gaucho's they are pretty fugly. Its like? Hello? Are you trying to be a skirt or pants or shorts or just plain hideous????


Wow, I think Noah totally favors his daddy! (And doesn't a little part of you HATE that - all that work we do and they come out looking like the man)


At a friend's house last week, I was looking through her Victoria's Secret catalog and there they were, gaucho pants, worn non-ironically. I'm not stylish AT ALL but can't we put all the ponchos, capeletss and gaucho pants and all their horrible friends on a rocket and launch them into space?

Turd with arms = haaaaaaaaa! I just got rid of a brown sweater for that very reason.


I feel sooo very vindicated right now. Because I had to listen to certain people in my life who think they know a lot about fashion critcize me for not being fashionable or "with it" (and really, if you are saying "with it", doesn't that perhaps indicate that you are not?) enough because I refused to go along with certain hideous trends...among which were both ponchos and gauchos.
Ha. So glad you agree.


Also, am I the only one who dislikes Juicy Couture in general because it tends to make everyone look like they've been Britneyfied?


MrZ hates gauchos b/c they make people look like pirates and, as he puts it, "Pirates are NOT trendy."


I knew I was right about the gauchos!
Thank you, dear Amalah for once again validating my existence.

"Why? Why do you make the baby cry with your hideous sequins?... Made me pee a little



Gauchos are one of the UGLIEST fashion items EVER! My mom made me wear them in 6th grade and I felt like an idiot then. I cant beleive people wear them willingly. Sorry folks, no matter what your body type, they look really stupid.


It's also time that someone went on the record to say that yes, you totally CAN tell that you're wearing nude pantyhose with open-toed shoes.

*cries in relief*

THANK YOU. Oh God. I live in Texas, WHERE IT JUST DOES NOT GET ALL THAT COLD THANK YOU, and I see people doing this anyway and it makes me cringe, hardcore. I will wear slacks before I will wear open toed shoes and pantyhose. Every time someone suggests to me that I should wear sandals and pantyhose, I swear to GAWD I hear a tiny fairy falling over DEAD. DEAD, PEOPLE. But they all think *I* am the weird one!

*end rant*

Whew. Anyway. Thank you for saying this. I love you. You are my hero.


YAY! The Bitch IS Back. And I loved every word of it. Gouchos are vile and hideous. Thank you Amalah for speaking the truth about hideous fashion items!


Gauchos, ponchos - anything that ends with "chos" doesn't belong in my closet! I completely agree with every word! And it the whole lingerie - jeans - stilettos thing is really, insufferably old. Get some individuality, ladies!

Lisa V

You know there are worse things than nude hose with open toed shoes... suntan hose with Birkenstocks. I would provide a link, but she is a family member, and she would beat the shit out of me.

I hate gauchos and can only say "What ugly trend will resurface it's ugly head next? Stirrup pants? Stirrup pants with seams?"


TOTALLY captured my boyfriends pooin face!


Oh, thank god for the Northwest where we do not acknowledge fashion options other than jeans. Yes, we've heard of other fabrics than denim: fleece.


Ditto, ditto and ditto! Speak it, sister!

And may I just add that there is something worse than gauchos.

Gauchos with pantylines.


Miss Skeeter

HA! I am so forwarding the link to this page to my mother right at this very minute. I love my mom, but every time I put on something dressy that exposes my legs (i.e., a dress or skirt) she INSISTS I wear the hose. And being the native Texan I am, I try to always wear open toed shoes whenever possible. Being out of the house and in my own place, I don't have to do it anymore...but am feeling so totally vindicated now, b/c I still hear it every now and then.

You just totally made my day.


So totally not judging or being snarky or anything but for me it's

This season, all the beautiful people are wearing Fuzzi Bunz.

Eleanor Vanden Heuvel

Yes, gauchos are egregious. Admittedly, I do have a pair. Have I ever dared where them out of the house? Yes. I was flustered and needed cigarettes.

What really bothers me though are those blessed individuals that feel the need to tuck their jeans (any sort, mind you) into their boots. In fact, I live in NYC and every twat from here to The Bronx has decided that this is the über-fashionista thing this season. Ugh.

Ladies, if you've got a pair of Oh-So-Fabulous boots, it doesn't mean the whole world wants to see your jeans bunched into them, causing your thighs/ass/person to look heavy and homeless.

Thank-you. Goodnight.


I am so not fashionable or "with it" but -lord- I won't even dress my two year old in gouchos or a freakin' poncho. And whoever even typed the words stirrup pants within 24 hours of my mom arriving in this house should be strung up. "But honey, really. They're so slimming". AHHHHH!!!

Glad you had a drunken good time. Bet that flower arrangement was glad for the company, too.


Amalah: No to be all 'hey, Internet, I was with Amalah at the Riot' but like, I was, and you are so ON! about the outfits. Studio 54, watch out! You were kind enough not to mention the really really bad makeup that some people were also wearing. But you? Totally awesome and would never, ever have known they were last year's shoes.


Worse than pantyhose with open toed shoes, those pantyhose that had cut outs for your toes. ( am sorry, but wearing these are not going to keep you warmer,


They were last year's shoes and now? They are yesterday's garbage, because Ceiba chewed the heel off one today.

Time to go shopping, she said in a high-pitched, super-excited, sing-songy voice.


"A turd with arms!" HAHAHAHA! Thanks for a great laugh! But Damn, I'm here in DC, and how come I never get to come with you and Kathy (above) to these parties??


That was HYSTERICAL! BUT, with my current fashion choices (which in about 5 days will only = hubby's dress shirts- I'm 35 weeks) I will not dare make fun of anyone, even Sante Fe vest lady at my office (She wears flowered tshirt material shirts w/a sante fe woven vest EVERY DAY).


Your baby! He's so pretty! But, I must admit that I love him 'cause he looks like one of mine! Thanks for the pick me up!(Mine are getting old!)


"turd with arms" -- not that I suppose it matters much, but please tell me the sweater wasn't cable knit ...

Also, third, fourth, infinity me on the hose/open toe debate; I went to a black-tie affair over the weekend where I'd say at least 40 percent of the women there didn't understand that concept (among other ones that I posted). But I'm surprised to hear it's that bad in what I thought was the less clothing-retarded DC. Bad fashion knows no boundaries, I reckon.


And I thought I was the only one who hadn't caught onto the butt ugly gaucho craze. Glad to hear the Queen of Everything has got my back on this one!

Ali G

< gasp > can't stop laughing...

ok, but i live in nyc, and i can top anything you saw that night on a daily basis. was the fake juicy couture HOT PINK, by any chance? with those scary grizzly bear boots? like i see regularly in nice restaurants?

i am totally guilty of the cute tanktop + jeans + heels = go-anywhere outfit, though. mostly b/c the iron and i, we are not friends...


I'm guilty of the cute top, denim, heels look too. Here in Los Angeles it's about as dressed up as any of us get - you'd hate it!


Amen, Amy. Second every cooment - especially about gauchos and frigging ponchos.


Blah, blah, blah...cute baby picture! My what lovely chubbiness. More blah, blah, blah. Ohhh, cute baby picture! He's even cute when he cries. Blah, blah, blah...exquisite baby picture!

Nice post!


I wish I knew all you know about fashion :(

Hidden Persuaders

Wouldn't that be "insufferable snobs find each other?"


I am with you on the "crap, drunk and loud, she may have heard my snarkiness toward her outfit"! I have done that probably 2 too many times. One time my husband seriously thought I was going to end up in a fight (which I wouldn't have because ladies do not get in physical fights) because of some comment I made about spandex and how it's not a right. Oops.


Amen! I'm willing to bet that Baltimore "fashion" is every bit as bad as what you witness in DC. My poor eyes are assulted on a daily basis. Thank you for spreading the word that gauchos are just plain wrong!


Amen on the gauchos, esp with boots. And on the hose with open-toed shoes. And the sequins. I am dreading Thanksgiving because of DH's family's love for the festive, holiday wear (and for the refusal to serve any wine other than $5 a bottle chardonnay, but that's a whole different rant.)


I have always hated gouchos and when the poncho thing got started, I couldn't figure that one out either. But more than anything else, I hate those horrid sequined purses that everyone is carrying now! My GOD! YOu can't look directly at those dumb things without going blind.

It's not just teenagers carrying them, either... * shudder *


LOVE THIS POST! hillarious.

Sian Elizabeth

I usually agree with your fashion opinions 100% (hello, matte lipstick? the fuck?) but I must disagree with your strong feelings on gauchos.

I love the gaucho. The gaucho makes me happy. And more importantly? The gaucho looks good on me. No really, I'm not exagerating, they really do look good. But I have a funny body type.

Give me gauchos or give me death!


I must be really out of style (and not just because I'm pregnant). My outfits consist of jeans, hooded sweatshirt and a t-shirt underneath. Running shoes or boots. This lovely outfit works equally well in the summer and the winter. Oh, and I never wear makeup.

Of course, I was never one for dressing in style. Usually, I tried to dress the opposite of the style. In high school, I wore combat boots with my school kilt. I miss those boots...


I just ran out and bought myself some Pampers...Hey, Noah said it's what all the beautiful people are wearing. Who am I to argue with a face that cute?


Oh my god I totally hear you on the coulottes. I used to have to wear them in christian school 25 years ago. And we all know that fundamentalists have no fashion sense.

Suzy Q

GAH! The gauchos! I just got back from Vegas last week and they were EVERYWHERE! What is WRONG with these women??


Perhaps my favorite post of all time?? It combines the sweet snark of fashion blasting with the delicious dollops of Noah. Sublime.


The blue baby blanket that Noah is lying on looks very pretty (not as beautiful as Noah, of course). Did someone make it for you?


Ok, my boyfriend? He wears button-down shirts under cable knit sweaters and often looks like he's about to teach some 7th-graders a good deal of social studies. It can be tragic. But even he is confused, appalled, and a little bit offended by the gaucho pants...


Aw, I love my gauchos. :(

That's ok...I had a feeling I was about to retire them anyway...


haha....loved it.

and also? love the fact that you now have a baby minion to do all your snarky facial expressions for you :P

Real Girl

The velour track suit must go. Donations of used velour track suits can be made at

Anastasia Beaverhausen

Gauchos and sequins make the Baby Jesus cry, too, Noah, so you're in good company.

(and I love how you got a Mommy Drive-By on a post about FASHION. They're EVERYWHERE. Awesome.)


Haaaaa...turd with arms.


YES YES YES. *Cackles wickedly* Ponchos and gauchos...the evils against which we at Las Eff are constantly fighting!

Also the part about your husband being as bitchy as you?! LOVE IT.


See...that's one of the perks of living in the mid-west, the "so-last-season shoes" are in style for at least three or four years. Gouchos? Haven't arrived in full force yet; although the poncho has just landed and I don't think my secretary will give hers up without a fight.


...or however you spell "gaucho"


Last Christmas my mother gave my sister and I ponchos...sis squealed with glee - I cringed in horror. I tried to hide it - it being Christmas and all, but nope. Couldn't do it. But I exchanged for some very nice suede gloves the next day :) Ponchos.. brrrr.

Wacky Mommy

Girl, you get funnier every day. I'm going shopping this weekend. For myself, not for Xmas presents.


All the beautiful people ARE wearing Pampers! And they can so pull it off too......


I snorted a lot while reading this post. haha So funny! Turd with arms! Don't make the baby cry with all your sequins!

I don't like those gauchos. I don't care how thin or beautiful you are, they don't work for anyone. Gauchos: Everyone's Enemy.

You are FUNNY, Amalah.


Quiet: I like gauchos.


it is officially ridiculous that your son is so cute! Also, the gaucho pants? Responsible for so much nasty camel-toe - it's just gross. Put them AWAY people.


Oh dear. Babies and fashion snark--two of my favorite topics. Seriously, the gaucho must be stopped. As should the capelet. I thought the poncho was a goner, but I guess I rejoiced too soon. Someday we're going to go to decade 2000 themed costume parties and all of the guests will be sporting ponchos thrown over gauchos or capelets over those hideously unflattering bermuda shorts. Noah's expression truly says it all.

Amy also

I hadn't realized gauchos were happening until I got into DC a few weeks ago (have been suburban and pregnant for the last year) - WTF? Unfortunately, the ones I saw were the hideous "knicker" style (fortunately, the wearer was the one person in town with the legs to pull it off, sorta...) It makes me sad to realize I tried and rejected this style 25 - 30 years ago and it's baaaack.


Gauchos, and fake Juicy track suits, they do not flatter any ass. Just put em down, people!


excellent job satisfying both types of readers -- those who want bitchy-amalah-bitches-about-the-world and those who want noah pictures.

thank you amalah and noah.


I too, have been ranting nonstop about the goddamnded UGLY gauchos ever since they assaulted my eyes walking up Michigan Avenue one day.

Seriously, that's got to be a joke that the fashion industry is sniggering about nonstop "OMIGOD! We got them to buy the ass-widening skir-ants that NO ONE looks good in AGAIN this season. HAHHAAAAAHAHAHAH!!!!! Pass me more champgne, Calvin, you bitch!"


What's the voted on the jeans tucked into the boots deal? or theose super skinny jeans that are super tight around the ankles (or if you are short, they go over the tops of your feet)?

This. Must. Be. Stopped.


Gouchos!PhhhFF, that's nothing compares to the Stirrup Pant/White Sock/Black lace up flat/Shell suit Jacket ensemble that I was unfortunate enough to encounter this morn. The really sad part is that its not like its a rare occurance around here (here being west coast canada). I think we Canadians may be infected with some sort of Bad Fashion Plague. Please Amalah, cure us or the stirrup will return.


hahahah. i love the way you wrote that entry, the sad thing is.. is its true. i pretty much agree with you.


Zoot is right! Every time I see the coullot/boot combination I imagine a stripey shirt, an eye patch and a really pointy hat to go with it.

Yo ho, and a bottle of rum!


I go to school in the South, and nearly every single girl with sorority connections or aspirationa (read 95% of them) was in gauchos and nothing but gauchos this semester.

My MOTHER wore those things. And my mother was NEVER A FASHIONABLE DRESSER.

They take themselves so seriously in them, as well. Whilst I point and laugh.

And I thought people dressed strangely back home in California. Nothing beats the south for ugliness in dressing.


I agree with Lena - only little girls really look cute in velour anyway.

Also, yes - those horrid sequin bags ... WHY? The ugliness is painful.


Does Noah cry at the sight of young or old women who wear low-cut jeans so that their big bellies hang out?

If so, don't bring him to Texas. The poor boy would be driven out of his little mind.

Love your site. Come visit mine!

The comments to this entry are closed.