Fashion Riot

Or, The Bitch Is Back

Dear Attendees of the Old Ebbit Grill Oyster Riot on Saturday Night, which was a Big Night Out for Amy, and Definitely Reason Enough to Get Dressed Up All Good and Pretty,

Learn how to fucking dress already, okay?

Now, I don't claim to be some kind of total fashionista who always looks awesome and who has never worn something unfortunate -- I mean, honestly, I spent most of this year in elastic waistbands and flip flops.

And I was extremely confused after Noah was born regarding what clothing was acceptable and how to look fashionable without looking like some kind of hobo bohemian bag lady and JESUS CHRIST, are people seriously wearing gaucho-style culottes? Like, non-ironically? Like, they honestly don't realize how awful those things look? They are perhaps the ugliest trend since the capelet, and man, capelets were really ugly.

I'm also not here to make fun of people who can't afford designer labels because hell, I bought my outfit on sale and wore shoes that I got 50% off last season. And considering this event was like, $100 a head for the common, unwashed non-wine-competition-judging public, nobody there was poor, okay? In fact, most of the outfits I'm here to rag on probably cost a lot of money, because NOBODY does tacky like the rich, you know?

Anyway. People.

Sometimes, it'd be nice for you consider that there are some other clothing options besides jeans. That there are other choices in the fabric universe besides denim. I'm just saying.

Go find something that requires ironing and put it on.

He hates what you're wearing.

And jeans + stilettos + lingerie tank top does not equal "dressed up." It equals "the world is my lame-ass nightclub."

Also it's time to let go of the poncho. You should no longer be wearing the poncho. No more of the poncho. The fashion mania for the poncho, it is now over.

And while I'd like to say "no more of the sequined, appliqued sailboat t-shirts paired with glow-in-the-dark jelly bracelets," this would imply that I believed there was more than one woman in the world who would show up at a large social function wearing a sequined, appliqued sailboat t-shirt paired with glow-in-the-dark jelly bracelets, and that is just too horrible a thought to ponder.

Why? Why do you make the baby cry with your hideous sequins?

It's also time that someone went on the record to say that yes, you totally CAN tell that you're wearing nude pantyhose with open-toed shoes. This was a mistake I made at a junior high dance, people, and I've never made it again. If you want to wear open-toed shoes in November, that's fine, but you just suck it up and deal with the cold legs. If you can't suck it up and deal with the cold legs, then you have no business trying to be some it's-always-summer-in-MY-HEAD person with the open-toed shoes.

Brown boots with brown tights and a brown skirt with a brown sweater do not make you look coordinated. They make you look like a turd with arms.

And let's not forget the menfolk: a baseball cap paired with a sportcoat? Makes me kind of want to punch you, and it makes you look like the type of guy who would cry if I punched you.

Bad: Wearing a Juicy Couture velour tracksuit to a 100-bucks-a-head party. Badder: Wearing a fake Juicy Couture velour tracksuit to a 100-bucks-a-head-party.

(Baddest: Being too drunk to control the volume of one's voice when spotting the fake Juicy Couture velour tracksuit and realizing that oops, she may have heard me, quick, let's all turn around and discuss this lovely random flower arrangement.)

(Bestest: Having a husband just bitchy enough to totally laugh about the fake Juicy Couture velour tracksuit too, because it's wonderful when insufferable snobs find each other, no?)

Anyway, we had a very nice time making fun of other people and eating oysters and drinking lots of wine. My boyfriend Justice Scalia totally ignored us, and one Amalah.com reader came up and said hi and she was all stylish and put together and totally the sort of reader I tell my advertisers that I have thousands of.

And no, I don't have any pictures of me all dressed up, which is probably for the best because you could all make fun of my so-last-season shoes.

This season, all the beautiful people are wearing Pampers.