Six Weeks
Noah's Birth Story, Part Two


My sincerest apologies for the lack of updates, but I've been kind of busy being driven ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT INSANE, THE KIND OF ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT INSANE THAT ONLY YOUR FAMILY CAN DRIVE YOU TO.

I don't talk about my family all that much here, because 1) they know about the site, and 2) they are so crazy I would probably lose all credibility because y'all would say, "Whatever, she's just making shit up outright now, nobody's brother falls out of a helicopter in the army."

Mine did.

I also have another brother who has spent most of his life in and out of mental institutions and set our house on fire once, but you know, whatever.

There are seven of us altogether: four boys, three girls. We're a blended Brady Bunch family kind of thing, except that everybody fucking HATED each other and instead of hitting your sister with a football, you tried to strangle her with a telephone cord while she ate melba toast in her high chair.


One of my sisters is visiting me this week, along with my mom, neither of whom are the ones driving me crazy, because they drink a lot of wine and are fun, except that my mom keeps taking my picture while I'm typing this. And they're leaving tomorrow to go visit my helicopter-falling brother in West Virginia, which is where he moved after falling out of the helicopter, but at least now he leaves in a house instead of a tent, so you know, progress.

(And in a few weeks, my other sister is coming to visit, my other sister who is pregnant, with a boy, due six months to the day after Noah.)

(My other sister is 46 years old. And has a 17-year-old daughter. And I repeat, is pregnant.)



One of my other non-helicopter-falling, non-mental-insitution brothers came to visit us for 15 minutes on Sunday night. And in that 15 minutes, he determined that Noah is probably deaf because he did not respond to my brother's highly-scientific test of snapping his fingers around Noah's head.

"Noah doesn't hear very well," he said cheerfully as he examined the baby's ears, like he was a doctor or something.

(My brother is not a doctor.)

"He hears just fine." I snapped, and proceeded to list the examples of things that Noah hears just fine, like the John Tesh-ish music of his swing or the annoying buzzer on the washing machine outside his room because it took me three weeks to figure out that maybe I shouldn't always start running the washer the instant Noah starts his nap so the buzzer wouldn't scare the ever-loving-bejesus out of him.

"Mm-hmm," said my brother, giving my sister-in-law a look like, I told you she wouldn't listen to me, just like she didn't listen last summer when I told her she was a high-risk candidate for postpartum depression and would probably kill her baby and nobody ever listens to me, I don't know why.

"His hearing was tested in the hospital," I continued. "He passed."

"Mm-hmm," said my brother.


I spent the entire day on Monday researching hearing milestones and making loud noises and shouting at the poor baby, because my family? Knows how to goddamn push my goddamn buttons.

Welcome to the family, Nose. Sorry about that.






I've found, from personal experience, that drinking a lot helps you tolerate a crazy family SOOOO much better. Good Luck!

And - I LOVE the last photo! I want to nibble on his cheeks!


Moving to another continent could help you get some distance. ;)
At least he left after 15 minutes!


You and the baby in the tree is awesome! Yay, tree baby!

Heather B.

I just accidently wrote to you instead of commenting. Anyway, whoa dude.
I have a crazy brother too.
If it makes you feel any better though, you have a really cute squeezable baby and that shit was hilarious. :-) smile!


I don't know what I like more, the baby or the programmer t-shirt.


oh my god...that picture of him sitting in jason's arm is the cutest baby picture i have ever yet seen. he always seems to have the personality of a much older child in the pictures you post..


Families...they are just crazy. All of them. We just don't realixe it until we are older.

I'm not sure what I think is cuter, sweet precious adorable Noah or Jason's awesome "I'm a super duper programmer" shirt. It's a toss up.





I am killed with the cuteness.

Am dead now.


I LOVE LOVE LOVE the one of him sitting on the couch. It looks like he's totally listening raptly to whoever's on the other side of the room--precious!

And really? Fell out of a helicopter? That's sort of impressive...


yeah, whatever, just tell them to shut up cause noah gets his non-responsiveness to snaps from you and you can't hear them anyway...then, drink lots.


He makes some of the best expressions, I swear (esp. love pic #1).
You're 1 of SEVEN?? Holy moly.


There is no such thing as a normal family. And, I bet that you wouldn't trade yours for mine. But if you would, I am totally willing to give you mine :)


How rude!

Sweet picture of you and Noah. He has such a handsome, expressive little face.


De-lurking to say that the picture of Noah on the couch is the cutest baby picture EVER!


Don't worry. I have a grandma who used to tell me stories about how the Devil would open up the earth and swallow whole bad little girls who didn't say their prayers. Then there's the aunt who blames her facial scars on a bad reaction to Mary Kay, but she still wears Mary Kay. (We're thinking it's not the Mary Kay.) And don't even get me started on my uncle, who once had his heat turned off but had the nerve to ask my dad for money so he could pay the cable bill. Sheesh.


In the immortal words of Pat Benatar, that boy is HEARTBREAKER. I love his jaunty little jawline.


Or, to edit, A heartbreaker. Because I can really type. Geez.


Good grief, Noah is far too cute, especially in the first picture!



(love the first pic)


TOO TOO cute.


in a tree! you're in a tree!

your family sounds really interesting. like, we-want-pictures interesting. *hinthint* at least of your mom and sis, because it sounds like you had fun with them. ;)


I have rarely been so grateful to have a small family. My sister is a bit nuts but respects and loves me and doesn't say stupid shit to me. I concur with other posters: Stay slightly sloshed the whole time they're around. What a fiasco. I thought my MOTHER was bad about the assvice!


AH! BABY! He is too cute and looks a little like Charlie Brown and also? Looks very, very smart.

I have crazy family members too. Two words: Avoid them.

Johnny Sapphire

He has your cheekbones! He's so adorable and definitely looks older than he really is.

Sarcastic Journalist

i love the second picture. like "hey! we just happen to be peeking out from behind this tree!"

and my family? totally psycho. except um, we dont speak to each other so it all works out well.


I'm just impressed Noah still has a neck. How'd you get the one baby in the world who has a neck?


nose? is that his nickname? if so, too too cute!


Okay, so first of all, I LOVE your site. And the picture of Noah in Jason's lap is one of the cutest things I have ever seen. He is going to breaks a lot of hearts one day!!


Crazy families make for very good laughs sometimes (like, hello? your brother seriously fell out of a helicopter!). And everyone has at least one crazee in our families, so we understand. It's all good.

By the way, Noah has the sweetest yummiest wittle baby neck. Isn't it funny when all of a sudden their baby fat rolls away and their necks emerge?


Okay, so Im delurking for the first time because I AM IN LOVE with the first picture of Noah! Just the sassiest picture, ever. Anyway, love your blog, blah, blah, you're hilarious, blah, blah (seriously, how often to people say these things...and do they ever get old?), and always brightens my day when you post ! :)


You wouldn't take it the wrong way if I said that in that first shot, Noah looks like an incredibly alert, pot-bellied frog, would you? Because he does, in the best possible way.

Stop making my phantom uterus ache, bitch.


OK, I almost never gush over baby pictures (not because they aren't cute and all, but because I'm just not generally expressive that way), but that first picture of Noah nearly slayed me with cuteness. I have never seen a more adorable baby photo. I can only hope and pray that my own kid can generate anything close to that level of cuteness when he/she arrives in a few months!


Oh, don't tell me you thought that once you had the baby all the assvice would stop?

Oh d-d-d-dear.

Perhaps your family and my family can get together and go live happily somewhere else. Like, maybe, Kyrgyzstan. Yeah.


I will pass along the same pseudo-sage assvice that I often offer to my boyfriend. And that is:

ALL families are dysfunctional; the trick is to make to surround yourself with people whose families are no more dysfunctional than yours.

And the Noah pictures? I just want to munch his adorable little face :0)
I have to wait until I am two-years post transplant before I can even think about getting pregnant. Well, that would be after...I dunno...getting married or something.

Penny Pressed

When my son was about four months old, I was completely convinced that he was deaf. The loud noises didn't startle him EVERY time, the repeat callings of his name didn't get his attention. I was thisclose to taking him to a specialist, when we discovered: He wasn't deaf. He was just ignoring us.

I'll presume Noah is doing the same. (Says the woman with her own batshit crazy family, including an Uncle Frank who believes Jesus is coming soon. You know, to get us all in his UFO. Please pass the tequila.)

Wacky Mommy

Everything my family tells me to do i pretty much do the opposite. for instance, when my grandma insisted i give Wacky Girl a "rub-down" with rubbing alcohol when she had a fever. The doctor flipped out when i told her -- the fumes alone can cause them to keel over. People are assholes, no? (ps -- your baby is cute, and will not grow up to be an asshole. i know this for a fact.)


so.... you are saying that Noah doesn't jump to attention when some butthead snaps his fingers? Sounds like a smart kid not a deaf kid to me.


You poor honey. Your brother is an idiot. (I can say that because both of mine are, too!)

Sometimes a baby just doesn't respond to noises at all. No idea why. Then 10 minutes later, that noise will scare the poop out of them and they will scream for freakin ever.

I am boxing up my family to send to you for a visit so you can see how good you have it. Enclosed are my dad, who has emphysema and lung cancer but keeps smoking because Dang! what's the point of quitting now?; my aunt, who once called to tell me she found the Crown Jewels (no euphemism, the actual Crown Jewels) in a box of jewelry she bought from a yard sale; and my oldest brother, who gave his friend $10K to invest for him with NO RECEIPT OR SIGNED DOCUMENT stating the money changed hands. And oh, the friend? Wasn't an investor. Was a unemployed, welfareliving, manychildrenfromdifferentdaddies, Montelwatching frump.

(you're counting your blessings now, aren't you?)


Make sure you walk around the house with Noah while your brother is still there, saying very loudly "YOUR UNCLE IS AN IDIOT!" Because hey, what if he does have a hearing problem? :^)

spammit/ anne nahm

Make sure you walk around the house with Noah while your brother is still there, saying very loudly "YOUR UNCLE IS AN IDIOT!" Because hey, what if he does have a hearing problem? :^)

spammit/ anne nahm

And also? I am sure Noah is fine (in case that didn't come through)

Take it easy, doll.


Is it weird for me to tell you that I'm totally in love with Noah? I love his little bobbleheadedness in that first picture.


Wow, Noah is just getting cuter and cuter! Will it never end?! ;)

I have siblings 20, 18, and 14 years older than I. It's great. The age difference was so great, I was pretty much raised an only child.

Also have crazy family...but no stories quite as crazy as yours. :)


I am sorry that I can't identify with your family, it's just me and my little sister and while we think our Mom is a little looney every now and's not nearly as exciting as your family sounds. Just wait until Noah can talk to them, that'll be funny.



That first picture is so FUNNY! And the picture of the 2 of you, he looks just like you!

Jackie Joy

Oh my god, so cute I can't even THINK STRAIGHT! My daughter is seventeen months. Not too much of an age difference? We'll pay a nice dowry! Arranged marriages are all the rage these days!

His eyes are so. mature. I bet he's brilliant!


And I thought my family was big. There are four of us. And my older sister is seriously crazy. Not institutionalized crazy, but the screaming batshit selfish doesn't listen to anything kind of crazy. My younger sister is similar, but sort of more grounded.

Anyway. Disregard your brother's fears of noah's hearing. Turning your head to listen to snapping noises when the muscles in your neck can't hold up your head yet seems like a lot of effort.

Plus your son is just too freaking adorable to care.


Brother (to wife before entering house): Now remember, the idea is to convince her Noah is deaf.

Sister-in-law: Do we have to? I'm still feeing guilty about that post-partum stuff.

Brother: This will be better. She'll be shouting and googling the rest of the day.


and amazingly, falling out of a helicopter really isn't all that uncommon....but that's another story.


Oh, Ame. He seriously gets cuter every single second of every day.


He's so cute... love that first pic!

And I have your older sis beat, cause - 21 years between my oldest and youngest. Ha! But still... at 46 she's doing it again, that just proves she's crazier than me. haha


Your families freakin huge! I come from a fam of 5 and yes, am certifiably crazy. They made me that way.
p.s. Ain't Noah the little poser? Zoolander in the making?

Real Girl

Okay, that picture with Noah next to (presumably) Jason in the "I'm a Super-Duper Programmer" shirt? Totally my new favorite, with his wise little baby expression.

Also? Awwwww. That's an "I'm a Super-Duper Programmer" shirt.


Okay, so I totally wasn't going to say cheesy things about Noah, but Oh My God, he is such a cute baby. Can I have one just like him? Those cheeks, that nose....
Alright, I'm done.....


I agree, why does your baby have a neck? It's so cute, makes him look older and very wise. He's not deaf. My sister thought that too, someone had her convinced because her 5 month old didn't flinch ONE TIME at a loud noise. What do brothers know anyway?

Miss Skeeter

At least your family probably doesn't involve a dad who comes in at 7am on the mornings you have to be up early belting out "Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog" at the top of his lungs and flashing the lights just to brass you off. ;)

Heh heh. Don't believe your bro. My little sis used to freak us out all the time after she was born. Turns out she was just ignoring us the whole time.

Noah is seriously one of the sweetest babies I have ever seen. He has the most adorable expressions ever!


Sorry about your family, at least some are sane.


That first picture of Noah is priceless. He looks like he's sitting for a college graduation portrait or something. He's very grown up looking, for a fella who's not quite 2 months. ;-)


My goodness, he is so cute! He's practically edible! That face! I don't know how you get anything done ... I'd be staring at him all day long. =)


My SIL started with telling me about a month before I was due that my baby would have webbed toes, because it runs in the family. After he was born webless, it became.."Oh, he has a lazy eye" (Because, you know...babies having that cross eyed thing at first will never be corrected) and then he had Pink Eye, because no matter how many times we said he had a blocked tear duct and it would clear up, we couldn't possibly know what we were talking about. My favorite though is when she said he'd have Tourette's because during his first couple of weeks, his bottom lip would quiver when he cried.

Yeah, family is just swell.


I'll see your helicopter challenged brother and raise you a sister who came to my wedding and snuck around while I wasn't looking to inform each and every guest that she had been forced to crash her own sister's wedding since she hadn't been invited... HADN'T BEEN INVITED, I say. Yes, this would be after she had, of course, BEEN invited... but when she's looking for pity, a little thing like the truth isn't going to stand in her batshit crazy way. My dad was mad at me for a month before he told me WHY he was mad, and I was, needless to say *but I'm obviously saying it anyway*, a wee bit pissed off. Wee bit as in haven't spoken to the cow in over two years now.


Sorry. Let me just say I empathize with the family thing...


Oh, and Noah? in that top pic? Totally looks like he's thinking 'And your point here would beeeeeee...?'


"Noah doesn't hear very well."
"I said, Noah doesn't HEAR very well."

Rinse, repeat. Hours of family fun!


As a long time lurker, I just have to say - your little one is already so photogenic. :)

Big Gay Sam

I would have to say your family is, well, colorful. Yeah, that's it. Colorful. You have one good thing going for you. At least you don't come from a Mormon family. See! A Silver lining! :p

Hang in there. The novelty will wear off and they'll soon stop torturing you. Plus, pay backs! There's another silver lining.

For Joke!

When my younger sister was born, my mom started getting worried about her hearing. She would call Kirsten's name and Kir would just not respond. Finally my mom takes her to the doctor, who examines her. The verdict? "Ma'am, your baby can hear just fine, above average even. She just isn't listening to you. She's ignorning you."


So take that, Noah's stupid uncle!


Dear Amy,

please try just to forget about what your brother told you. Let's be honest: There are reasons for the all-time-celebrity of the "One can chose one's friends, but not one's family"-thing. Just. drop. it.
Noah will be fine and so will you. And, by the way, you are a pretty young mother with a highly-appreciated sense of humour, so - PLEASE!


Um. I didn't mean you were pretty young (that also) but that you were pretty AND young.


I think he looks alot like Jason.
He is so precious.


My GOD that is a cute boy!


My GOD, your boy is adorable!


I can totally relate to the crazy family thing, except mine is with the aunts and uncles and my generation seems to have come through mostly unscathed (except a few crazy cousins, but I don't see them very often). I think everyone's family is weird. I even have an uncle who disappeared years ago, but reappears every so often to egg his ex-wife's house. And, yeah, he's in his 60s. CRAZY.

Just be thankful you have a wonderful husband and an adorable (ADORABLE!) baby and ignore the craziness other family members bring in.


Oh my God!! The Cuteness is almost unbareable.

Believe me, your family is a little nuts, but to see true crazy you need to come to Texas. My father-in-law is a five foot tall Indian man who does impromptu Elvis impersonations at the most inappropriate times. I have an uncle who shot himself in the foot because he didn't want to go to Jury Duty and the rest of them get drunk and fall down a lot (but not in a good, funny, lighthearted sort of way).


Oh, and I have an even better one. There's a lifetime movie based on one of my extended family members. It's called "A Familiar Stranger".


Like many others before me, LOVE the first pic. It's so cool when they stop looking like babies and start looking like wise little people.

Your family sounds hilarious. If you can overlook the fact that you're related to them, you might find them as entertaining as we do. Oh, and tell your not-a-doctor brother that until/unless he gets his MD, he should just shut the hell up. :-)


First of all -- the cuteness! He is so beautiful. Can't STAND it.
Secondly, I think it's all families. C'mon people! Put the FUN in dysfunctional!


I come from a large family too (youngest of 7) and yeah, there's always a know-it-all rehearsing disaster isn't there? Noah is PERFECT. You're a beautiful family.

RockStar Mommy

You're so lucky, my kid never shows me his neck that much. HE keeps his head up, but it's the bulbous quadruple chin that gets in the way. I love the neck!

Oh, and word on the crazy family front. I was so glad that I'm so much farter from my family now that I have my son so that my family wouldn't do all the crazy stuff that they do to annoy the shit out of me, but then all that stuff with my grandfather happened and I had to be around all of them and GAH! GAH! GAH! and GAH!


Will I be a bitch if I say the family thing is a bit of a relief, because it mitigates my extreme envy of you? With the writing skills, the humor, the weight loss, the Coach bags, the adoring husband, appearance in Washingtonian, oyster judging blah blah blah...

Did you take that first photo because Noah and Jason's arms are in the same position? ADORABLE!


You should have a photo caption contest.

My entry for the first photo:
Yeah, right, Dad; tell me another. Sigh.

He really looks like you in the third photo.


THAT FACE! Is the cutest thing I have ever seen! I am almost blinded by the cuteness!


and i can back you up.. i was in the hospital at the time that the nurse came back with his hearing results and she said he was perfectly normal.
families! i'm sorry..


and i can back you up.. i was in the hospital at the time that the nurse came back with his hearing results and she said he was perfectly normal.
families! i'm sorry..


If’ you’d like I can send my aunt the “healer” to come fix Noah’s hearing… Oh wait she’s too busy “healing” my other aunt who is a hypochondriac and charging people $160 to learn how they can channel the powers of JC. JC by the way is Jesus, she moves to India for 6 years to study and comes back some healing Jesus freak. Yeah. not sure how that happened either but I do get to share a genetic code with her! Jealous aren’t you?

Oh and on a totally different topic, but somewhat Noah related, my brother (age 14) has a photographic memory and informed my mom this week that he remembers when she used to nurse him. Talk about awkward. My mom is now questioning her choice to breastfeed him. Thought you’d enjoy that after some of your breast feeding struggles.

Keep the adorable pictures coming!


Well, I am sure your family is just being rediculous and trying to scare you...I think that Noah looks beautiful and soo intelligent! and by god, will someone else back me up on how lovely his little neck is? He already looks like he is holding his own noggin up!!


If it weren't for the craziness in our families, my husband and I wouldn't have any excitement at all in our lives. I'm sure it only gets worse once you have children. I'm dreading the nine months of pregnancy that I won't be able to drink at family gatherings.

Those pictures are so sweet.


Holy moly, he looks JUST LIKE YOU. Wow!


You are a MUCH kinder sister than I am. I would have told my brother that my perfect baby does NOT have a hearing problem! He's just ignoring you, because you are a stupid, annoying ass! Who responds to snaps around the head? Families! WTF?


I HATE when people think they know more than doctors. And I'm sorry, but what kind of person tells a new parent that something *might* be wrong with their new, cute as a button bundle of joy? And then proceeds to conduct a ridiculous hearing test?

Maybe Noah is already learning about selective hearing, and can tune out asinine comments?


Thanks for the photos!! He is so cute......
The only family member who drives everyone nuts is my mother. I catch her saying the weirdest things, and she also, apparently, received her medical degree when no one was looking. She tells everyone my son had colic....... she was living 2,000 miles away in Hawaii when he was a baby, but she's determined that he had colic. Also, an hour is too long to push out a baby. An hour!! When I was in the hospital in labor, I could hear some poor woman down the hallway moaning while giving birth, and my mom snorted and said "that must be some kid giving birth in there." I must have had the most horrified look on my face, and if I hadn't had another contraction I was going to beat her about the head and shoulders until she stopped talking. I have to assume that with giving birth to 4 children, she did it totally without making any noise at all. Right.


In the first picture, he looks just like a Peanuts character.

But I'm durned if I can figure out which one.

(And I mean in a nice way! A cute way! Peanuts rock!)


just wanted to write back to a fellow queen of everything. your site has been the tool for MASSIVE procrastination lately -- so hysterical! baby noah is adorable. i'm sure he hears just fine... maybe has just learned to tune out annoyingness very early?


Your kid is SO FREAKING CUTE!!!


Now I will reveal the nerd that I am- I am an audiologist and since Noah passed his hearing test in the hospital I wouldn't worry about a thing. Parents usually know if their kid is not hearing so I would trust your judgement and ignore your brother! Babies just are not developmentally able to consistently respond to sound until the age of about 5-6 months. He's not ignoring you, he just can't always turn when prompted by a sound. Sorry for the unsolicited advice but just thought a heads up wouldn't hurt!


Let your brother know that the joke's on him and Noah is conveneintly deaf only when he's around. It's called TUNING OUT THE PAIN IN THE ASS UNCLE.

And btw I still want to gobble him up. (The baby, not the uncle.)


My mom is one of 10 (irish catholic) and her family has some issues. Best example: my aunt, who is in her lte 40s, who is literally crazy, lived at home until her 30s, got engaged, broke it off, annouced she was a lesbian, and now annouced she is getting married - to a man - in 2007. She was not invited to my or my sisters' weddings after she wrote my mother a letter calloing her a bitch and my sister and I skanks. yes, she used that word.

I love family drama. It makes for good material if nothing else!

Noah: super tree-climbing baby!


Whoa! What a family!
But the first picture of Noah tells me that the baby is well aware of the fact of where he had decided to descend from Heaven and now contemplates the members of the family he chose, with a grin-like expression: "Oh my, were they supposed to be THIS strange?"

You've got a nice and clever boy, there!


Oh my goodness. I feel your pain. I have just turned 30 and my mum phones me every day to check if I have eaten, to ask what I'm doing, to lecture me on not ironing my sheets and whoah, if I'm "going to the pub" I shouldn't be doing that because I'm 30 now you know!!!!!!!

the village idiot

Yeah, um, I came from one of those "blended" families too. Also with seven kids, four girls, three boys. There was, thankfully, a lot of drinkin' going on to help us through the pain of each other. But, uh, yeah, your family sounds nice. :)

Seems as though you were able to climb out, but from all the visiting, it sounds like they're trying to pull you back in. No, hold it, that's the Godfather. Nevermind.

I am truly,
the idiot


Can I just say how many times I have come back just to look at that first picture of Noah? What a cute little guy. I just love his neck. My girl still has more chins than the Chinese phonebook, so I don't get to see her neck very often.

Any time you guys decide you don't want Noah, just send him to me. (No, rest of the Internet, I offered first. Dibs!)

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