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November 2005
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January 2006

Confessions of a Wise Old Daycare Veteran, Who Has Been Using Daycare for Three Whole Half Days Now

Oh Internet, how I've neglected you. You're all probably wondering if, on my second day of work, I decided to blow past the daycare center and hightail it to Mexico, with Noah in one hand and my breast pump in the other, laughing maniacally because I left the extra diapers in his cubby at daycare and now I have no money to buy new diapers BUT HE DOESN'T NEED DIAPERS BECAUSE HE HAS MY LOVE, MWA HA HA, and then maybe I fell into some kind of ditch. Hint: That is not what happened! What really happened is much less interesting but much more not insane. I drop Noah off in the morning, usually much later than I intend to, I get big dimply smiles and he gets big kisses, the teachers all smile and indulge me for many, many minutes before they remind me that I should maybe get... Read more →


Noah has a cold. AGAIN. But this the ultra-liquidy version. My God, we are awash in snot. He leaves smears of mucus on my boobs after I nurse him and has blown some of the most impressive nose bubbles I've ever seen. I've spent all morning with wadded up tissues at the ready and have been diving in there with the nasal bulb thing at every occasion, usually shrieking I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR BOOOOOOOGERS or some variant thereof, and for anyone who thinks that I am going back to work simply because I cannot handle the MIND-BLOWING GLAMOR of motherhood is wrong, because I have dried baby snot on my neck and am PROUD OF IT, COME GIVE ME A CUDDLE. Poor guy. While it's highly likely that I simply gave him the cold I've been suffering from for the past couple weeks, I'm blaming the three hours he spent... Read more →

The Post After The Post I've Been Dreading

First, let's tally up the responses to yesterday's post... Hateful, judgmental or otherwise assvicey emails: ZERO Loving, understanding or otherwise supportive emails: 300 and counting Gold star for the Internet! 'Tis a Christmas miracle! I hate when I get all defensive like that. You'd think that no one ever says anything nice to me, ever, which is not true. Probably 95% of the comments and emails I get are positive, but it's just that the people who take the time to write hate mail tend to fucking eviscerate me. And while it's one thing when people tell me I have stupid hair, or that I'm a spoiled materialistic whore because I put a link to my baby registry in the stupid sidebar, it's quite another thing entirely when Noah is involved. Possibly because it makes me overthink the kind of squishy ground we online writers tread when we post the... Read more →

The Post I've Been Dreading

When I was in the first grade, my classmate April's father was killed in a car accident. A year or so later, I went to her house after school and met her nanny and her two-year-old brother. Their mother came home after a few hours, and I listened to her brother scream and cry as the nanny put her coat on. And he wailed. And he howled. April shrugged. "He hates it when she leaves." Finally, the nanny snapped: "I'm not your mother. She is!" And in that moment, my heart broke. And that scene burned itself into my memory like it happened yesterday. My eight-year-old self knew nothing about having a working mother. My mom stayed home and made both my chocolate-chip cookies and my Halloween costumes from scratch. We were poor and I wore homemade clothes and one year my mom made me a Care Bear for Christmas,... Read more →

Um, Hi?

Typepad? Are you working again? Can you tell the nice Internet people that I am not dead? And that it is ALL YOUR FAULT that I did not post today, because I totally intended to? And that I would post now except that I have to decorate my goddamned Christmas tree, which we have had for a WEEK, yet sits forlornly unornamented because we are lazy, and also maybe a little drunk, and anyway, what was I talking about? Oh. Right. Typepad was down all day today. Pfft. Noah thinks that he is SO OVER my excuses for not posting, and also this whole damn Christmas thing, like what, do we expect him to CARE that we waited for 40 minutes in the stupid Santa Claus line in order to give him a magical special childhood? Because he DOES NOT CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. YAWN. Read more →

Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Hey Amalah, So how is that two-month-old Amazon baby of yours scaring the shit out of you today? Also, get a haircut. GOD. Love, Amalah Y'all! The child ROLLED THE FUCK OVER. WHEN I WAS NOT PRESENT, BECAUSE I AM NEGLECTFUL AND NEED MY COFFEE. So Noah and I were hanging out in bed, watching The Price Is Right, which he loves, and I refuse to feel badly about that, because I make it educational, what with the prices and the capitalism, and we do this great little COME ON DOWN dance and ANYWAY, I AM NOT THE ONE ON TRIAL HERE. So there was a commercial break, and I realized that I hadn't put kibble down for Ceiba yet, the poor downgraded baby, and also that I would like some coffee. So I left Noah squarely in the center of the bed and dashed downstairs to feed the dog... Read more →

Life, Such As It Is

PART ONE: In Which We Buy A Christmas Tree That Is Too Big For Our Christmas Tree Stand, Which Wouldn't Be Anything Of Note Except That This Is Like, The Fourth Year In A Row That We've Done That And Still Have Not Bought A Bigger Damn Tree Stand, Like, GOD. That's our good chef's knife being put to inappropriate use, and yes, we caught our own tree this year, using our most festive fishnet. PART TWO: In Which My Heart Both Bursts With Pride And Breaks With The Whole Sunrise, Sunset Aspect Of It All. After procrastinating for WEEKS, I finally went through Noah's clothes and packed up all his little newborn stuff that fit him for like, a month. If anyone needs any 0-3 month baby boy clothes, I suppose you could have these, except for that one little sleeper with Noah's Ark on it, and the teddy... Read more →

Enough Baby Pictures to Melt the Entire Internet

Hey y'all, Noah here. My mom's still sick, so she asked me to write today's entry. Which means lots of pictures of me, because Wednesday's post didn't have ANY, and WHAT IS UP WITH THAT, MOM? Honestly. It's like she thinks people come to this stupid website to READ or something. I know, right? My mom is funny. But she is no match for me and my hilarious turtle faces. Look! Am squirrel! Haaaaa! And here I am doing my best impression of a post-collagen-injection Melanie Griffith. But you know, I am more than just a edible bundle of snuggly deliciousness. I actually have many important opinions. Like I am strongly opposed to the continued career of Jennifer Love Hewitt. And I think the world needs more baby smiles. I mean, really. Don't you feel better already? CEIBA! SAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYBaAAAAAA! PUPPY STILL HERE BITCHES! STILL CUTE TOO! LOOK HOW CUTE! LEG... Read more →