Enough Baby Pictures to Melt the Entire Internet
Wednesday Advice Smackdown

Life, Such As It Is

PART ONE: In Which We Buy A Christmas Tree That Is Too Big For Our Christmas Tree Stand, Which Wouldn't Be Anything Of Note Except That This Is Like, The Fourth Year In A Row That We've Done That And Still Have Not Bought A Bigger Damn Tree Stand, Like, GOD.

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That's our good chef's knife being put to inappropriate use, and yes, we caught our own tree this year, using our most festive fishnet.

PART TWO: In Which My Heart Both Bursts With Pride And Breaks With The Whole Sunrise, Sunset Aspect Of It All.

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After procrastinating for WEEKS, I finally went through Noah's clothes and packed up all his little newborn stuff that fit him for like, a month.

If anyone needs any 0-3 month baby boy clothes, I suppose you could have these, except for that one little sleeper with Noah's Ark on it, and the teddy bear one he wore home from the hospital, and those funny striped PJs, and the onesie with the hippo, or the itty bitty cargo pants, or... BAAAAAHHHH MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSS

(Amy makes crazy bug-eyed face, grabs clothes and shoves them back into closet and hisses at Jason, who is so tired, because she's done this whole thing FOUR TIMES ALREADY AND THE CLOTHES ARE STILL HERE.)

PART THREE: In Which I Am Dumb.

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In a sinus-congestion-fueled-stupor, I turned on the burner under the kettle to make my poor sick self some tea.

Quite some time later, I realized that I'd turned on the wrong burner, burned the shit out of our saucepan and stunk up the entire apartment with a truly horrific smell.

Apparently, anyway. I still can't smell anything, BECAUSE I NEVER GOT MY TEA, GODDAMMIT.

Fabulous prizes* will be awarded to the first person to correctly guess what that THING IN THE POT was before I cooked it to death.

*Fabulous prizes = my respect and bored admiration

PART FOUR: In Which I Level With The Internet Regarding What Maternity Leave Actually Looks Like.

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Translation: Eye bags, flat stringy hair, zip-up sweater for easy boob access and a really dirty bathroom mirror.

PART FIVE: In Which I Give You What You Came For Already.

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One day it will be considered inappropriate for me to nibble on my son's pudgy thighs, so you know I'm chowing down non-stop these days.

And now, the Parade of Noah Faces!

(Part Eleventy Hundred in a Gigitillion Part Series)

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(Please don't judge me for all the face scratches. The baby, he's got nails that turn to talons over naptime. I swear the dog doesn't run across his face. Much.)

Comments

ana

so cute!

merrilee

Don't give his clothes away_you might have another cute little boy bundle one day!

Ashley

The thing in the pot... Ceiba's leg cast? Since she is eyeing it so devilishly.

Noah is my favorite man in the world (don't tell my boyfriend. Or my dad. Or Jason.)

By the way you look freaking awesome, regardless of maternity leave status!

Cailin

A black-yolked egg? A marshmallow? I have no idea. Mysterious...

Noah's cuteness even manages to reduce the horror that is project sellout right now. Fraymond and neon porn! Just in time for Christmas

Nicole

Ok, that's it, I'll just ask...Can I have Noah? I'll give him back, um eventually. Maybe.

Zoots Mom

His smile is so wonderful. He just makes me smile every time I see his picture....God I hope the thing in the pot isn't a diaper...(Don't ask me why I said that, it had nothing to do with you..)

Dynamita

Our guesses are:
1.- Boiling water with some sort of container (burned to death) with milk,
2.- Marshmallows,
3.- Goat`s cheese?
Do please post what it is, or else you are going to leave us wondering for ages about it. That is, before any presents go under our xmas trees, because, you know, they`re shiny and giftwrapped.

ginger

It sorta looks like that used to be a baby bottle.

Janet

a melted bottle with burned milk?

Nicole

One more question...did the tree actually make it vertical? Or is it going to be a "let's just pile the presents on top of the tree laying on the floor" year? I guess that's two questions, don't be hatin'

Sydney

well, i think that the burned thing in the pot is either a baby bottle or a scrub brush... god knows there are pots with scrub brushes in them left around my place lal the time because i don't want to do the actual scrubbing...

also, i have seen worse maternity leaves.

much worse.

and your son is adorable.

Lauren

if you think Noah's thighs are pudgy, I *never* want you to see me in a bathing suit. EVER.

Amalah

Saucepan Watch 2005 Status:

Nope, not a bottle, although I did send a nipple and bottle cap down the garbage disposal last week.

And they both survived just fine, although I will not ever tell whether or not I re-used a nipple that had, in fact, been through the garbage disposal.

christie

Ummm...way overcooked placenta????

Lisa V

Yes, placenta stew!!!

You give away those baby clothes and you will be knocked up next week. I still have some as superstitous insurance against a stray sperm that survived the vasectomy.

Paige

First things first: those dimples? They slay us now. Just WAIT til he's 14. Holy moley.

Second- It looks like a sock, to me. Why you'd have a sock in a saucepan is beyond me, but whatever. That's not the point, now is it??

jennifer

a paintbrush?

now why you would have a paintbrush in the kichen is a mystery.....

Sam

I'm with Jennifer, is it a paintbrush?

The Noah collage is making my uterus fire off bad ideas to my brain. Must make it stop. 3 kids is enough. Would have to drive mini-van if I went any further and can't do that. Can't. But oh my is he sweet.

Wacky Mommy

You're funny, girl.

ambrosia

yeah, i'm going with paintbrush.

also have the bags under my eyes and stringy hair from postpartum hormone craziness. it's even stringy as i'm shampooing it. simply amazing.

and noah . . . of course, too cute.

Ida

Is it a spatula?? Or part of the breast pump? I used to leave a pot out that I would put breast pump attachments in.

And Noah, he's adorable.

Harper

Is it a tea bag? All burnt and melted???

Love the pictures - keep 'em coming!

Your note about how no one tells you about the headbutts...yesterday I got headbutted in the chest and it nearly knocked the wind out of me!

Binky

Well, I have burned breast pump components, so I am wondering if it's not a bottle that you melted. Glad to see I'm not alone in the whole almost-burning-the-house-down thing. Thank God for fire alarms!

Melanie

A burrito you cut on one end to see how the spinach and red pepper were doing?

It also looks like an aerial view of two people in a sleeping bag with hats on.

Now ... on to Noah. I just want to reach into the screen, grab those cheeks (and thighs) and gobble 'em up. When I see his dimples, I can hear him cooing and laughing. You are so blessed.

Jessica

What is it about packing up baby clothes that is just gut-wrenching? I totally understand! I have to do it in stages. First, it gets moved to a pile in the room (after looking and hoping she still fits in it and putting it back for about 10 or so times). Then it gets put in a container in the room; then it moves to the hallway, and eventually my husband takes it to the crawl space and says he will pull it back out for a garage sale in the spring and I secretly think that I would rather kill him than sell a single piece of my sweet baby's too small clothes.

zorgon

Ooh! Oooh! *waves hand*

I guess a slice of orange or lemon.

I am somewhat disappointed to see that you have joined my wife's crusade to wipe out all cookware by fire, however. :(

contrarychick


Noodles? The bag from boil in bag rice? Shoestrings?
An oxygen tank? An artificial fishing lure? Acrlic fingernails?

I'm waiting with baited (Get it? Baited? Bated? Fishing lure? Oh, never mind) breath.

Liz

Based on the shape, I want to guess a vibrator? But why you'd have it in a saucepan is beyond me.

You look pretty darn good to me after only 2+ months post partum. I don't see the eye bags. Noah is adorable!

Jen109324038

Fish?

Just in case it makes you feel better, I set my entire brand new oven on fire last year. I didn't read the directions for using the broiler and soon there were flames. And I wasn't even sick.

Ursula

Off topic, but did anyone notice that one of the ads on the right is a pink silhouette of a naked woman? It's an ad for a porn investigation on MSNBC.

Kate The Great

Is it one of Ceiba's chewy toys? Not that I think you would cook a chewy toy.

You don't have to get rid of all of Noah's newbie clothes. My mom found that she had the same problem parting with all of my wee little baby and toddler clothes, so she picked a select few that had special memories and tucked them in a box for me to have someday. Things like my Christening gown, one if the teeny tiny diapers they gave her at the hospital (unused
of course), a sweater with monekeys on it that I adored as a toddler and was rarely seen without, etc. I've added a few things over time too. It made it a little easier for her to get rid of everything else because the important things weren't gone. Someday I'll be able show them to my kids (I might even make them wear them. The monkey sweater needs to be loved)

Kari

Those pics? He looks just like you.

Wow.

amy

Amy,
You look good, don't be so hard on yourself! (that's from one amy who is too hard on herself to another, lol!) and Noah is so damn cute!!!!
Amy

For Joke!

The teabag! The teabag is in the pot!

Franci

Thing in the pot= eggs?
I laughed loudly reading this post.
thank you, really.

Jessica

I am pretty convinced it's a paint brush...but how in the world do ya'll have the energy to paint these days?!
LOVE that face in the top right picture!

Jezer

See, when you do things like that, I feel so much better about my dumbass self, because, seriously, if Amalah does it, then it's not so bad.

I'm guessing a spatula or a spoon of some sort.

Noah...he tides me over until my little monkey arrives. I crave baby thighs and newborn head smell.

whiskytangofoxtrot

I'm goin' with burnt baby bottle, (which my Tina did after our precious Morgan was born and she's an EX-FIREFIGHTER! for God's sake)

Ali G

even though you haven't gotten a bigger stand, at least you got the tree! every year i think about a tree, then think (1) i would like to be able to freely move around the apt without being covered in needles (2) the more adornments bought for the tree, the less adornments bought for ali. dammit, i'm already festive enough.

The Muse

I'm guessing that its a plastic spoon in the pot, as I've done the same thing. Except I was boiling water to make simple syrup. Because I don't drink tea. Ever.

And Noah? Still the cutest baby I've ever seen, other than my wee sister (who is 9 years younger than me, so I spent lots of time with her wee self). I've bragged to my boss about his cuteness to the point where I'm sure she's going to start reading your blog any minute.

Erika

I want the clothes! Me me me!

If you decide to part with them, of course.

Erika

Oh, and my guess is teabag. But I'm not sure why it would be in the pot. But I don't make tea much.

Jessie

I'm guessing that it's a pastry brush in the pan. I turn on the wrong burner all the time and my husband gives me major shit for it. Then he did it and didn't realize it until the soup he was "heating" didn't start to get hotter - about 20 minutes later. We're even now.

Stacy

a tube sock...obviously.

Amytoo

I'm not even going to guess what that thing is.

But the look Ceiba is giving is clearly, "Make it stop, make that smell go away, mommy!"

Sadie

It's a basting brush with barbecue sauce on it. And Ceiba is in the photo because you were thinking of putting her on a spit and roasting her since you were hungry but too lazy to go to the grocery store. No?

scoutsadie

what a scrumptious noah! i don't have babies but can imagine how hard it is to pack up the wee wardrobe.

that stove business, it weekly proves my idiocy, as i do it even when i'm not sick. i have resorted to numbering the dials and putting little number stickers near (not fire-scary near) the appropriate burners so all i have to do is look at the number instead of doing the spacial relation thing in my head that i failed so miserably when last given an IQ test (or whatever test it was).

i swear i'm not just saying this cuz you're the queen: you look so non-yucky in that mirror pic. that's not to dismiss your feelings of yuck; i'm just sayin'. and i still think that you resemble a blonde version of the wonderful mary louise parker, or/and that awesome woman who is now kate the NSC person on "the west wing" - and that's not just because MLP used to be on TWW, either.

hope you feel better so soon. that is all.

alfredsmom

I think the thing in the pot is a paint brush.

So, would you suggest to other moms to just buy lots of onesies for the first 3 months or do you stand by the cute clothes?

TB

It looks like a teabag and some milk or cream in the saucepan.

Busy Mom

I'll take "Melted Baby Bottle" for $100, Alex.

Jenny

Ohhhh! Keep his clothes - at least for now! You never know if you'll need them again ;)

And seriously, SERIOUSLY? That smiley face - too frickin' cute.

Jenny

Ohhhh! Keep his clothes - at least for now! You never know if you'll need them again ;)

And seriously, SERIOUSLY? That smiley face - too frickin' cute.

djoyn

I'll take the clothes! Although I don't know if I'm having a boy or girl. Right now he/she is overdue (I was due Dec 6th).

I love reading about you and Noah!! Thanks for providing hours of on-leave but still waiting entertainment! :)

Arwen

Last week I burned the CRAP out of a pan of rice. When I smelled the burning, I scurried into the kitchen and moved the pan off the hot burner - onto another burner that I had inadvertently left on low earlier. By the time I discovered that, my rice had become a cake of charcoal, and I felt like a complete moron, because burning something is one thing, but burning the same thing twice? That takes serious idiocy.

Carrisa

that kinda looks like a metled snowman in that pot... but i can't imagine why you would have a snowman in that pot...

and yeah... keep the baby clothes for your next baby or for when zoot has another baby or someone you like. someone you can get the clothes back from if you need to.

Theresa

a condom?

A twinkie?

perhaps a sock?

i got nothing.

Real Girl

Pot Contents looked like overcooked salmon (skin on) with some kind of white sauce to me.

I'm kind of upset that I can't think of a more clever and less cliched way of saying that your babe gets cuter and cuter with every post. Like, why can't I think to say: Baby Reindeer Onesie? How much do you just want to snuggle your nose into it? Watch out for Rudolph, Noah.

He's the kind of baby you want to cuddle. All the time. And no, that won't cause any future problems for him when he becomes the studliest cuddler on the block and women chase him like they would a Beatle.

Heather B.

You know, these pictures really don't do him justice. Yeah, even when he screams. He's just so freaking cute and cuddly.

Sugarmama

I didn't read all.57.posts.above so did someone guess butter in the pan? My husband once left a pan of hummingbird food (a.k.a., sugar water) on the stove, rendering it into a solid black cloud of pure carbon. Also, your son is incredibly cute, but I know you hear that a lot.

Diana

I'm with Sadie- basting brush with BBQ sauce..
did you have to throw the whole saucepan out?
Thankfully I haven't burned anything so much that I've had to throw the whole pan out, but I may be speaking too soon, I still have to cook tonight. (Still sleep deprived and my son's a year old!)

Lisa Ann

Contents of the pot? Was it the oft-mentioned mucus plug?

Amalah

DING DING DING! We have a winner, Bob.

Jezer guessed correctly -- it was a big white plastic cooking spoon. That's just half of it. The handle melted in two and is currently stuck to the burner.

Although I have to say, the other guesses were MUCH more interesting. I mean, a vibrator? Ceiba-style BBQ sauce? THE MUCUS PLUG??

HAAA. Y'all kill me.

Pam

I'm guessing a pacifier in the pan, because of COURSE you were going to sterilize it after it fell on the floor and the dog licked it, right? Riiiiight.

I only just this past summer got rid of my daughter's baby clothes. She's ten. And by "got rid of", I mean packed in big tubs and put in my mom's basement, because her basement is bigger than mine.

Tree

I just found your blog and am loving it. I had to laugh at your comment about the scratches...my Liam, 6 months old, has scratched his poor head up, too. And my arms (scratches while he's feeding).
Must go read more...

Tree

Oh! ps: Noah is aDORABLE!
:)

Liz

I weep for your chef's knife.

Cagey

Pictures - adorable!

re: Dog - it's probably GOOD for the dog to run over Noah's face. He's building his little Immunity Library, after all - right? hee hee

re: baby clothes -- I have decided I will allow myself to keep ONE outfit from each period for the 1st year (or two? or three? sigh....)

Of course, the upside of them outgrowing clothes is that this necessitates buying NEW ones. I'll be damned if Gymboree and Baby Gap don't indeed have the most adorable clothes......

Amy also

I bought the same onesie for my soon-to-be-#3 to wear home from the hospital. Did you get the matching striped footie pants? So. cute. Also, Ceiba is the exact perfect size dog to have in a kitchen like yours - she just fits!

maggie

My sisters and I used to have tons of 'doll clothes'- when I got a little older I realized they were OUR baby clothes. My mom still has them somewhere and we're, um, kinda old now. But I second the commenter who said that the upside is buying new ones! FUN.

rebecca

I was going to guess the tea bag! Plastic spoon never even occurred to me.
But that Noah is a cute one, I'll give you that.

Frema

You know, I've never in my whole life had a real Christmas tree. And after this entry, I'm OK with that. :)

As always, the bebeh pictures are to die for. :)

Heather

Babie's nails grow like crazy, and I really have never encountered anything as sharp as my son's claws.

Erika

How much for zee leetle boy!? Zee leetle boy, I veel buy heeem!

Man, the cuteness of that baby NEVER STOPS! He's off the map with the cuteness!

suitep

My first guess was a marshmallow, because I actually like mine cooked that way.
Not burnt in a saucepan, but melting over an open flame.

I need my daily Noah fix. They just don't come any cuter.
A dose of the funny helps, too.

Thanks, and feel better!

Abbagirl

First-time poster cos I felt so sorry for you not getting your tea!
Everyone, boiling water on a stovetop is SO 20th Century!! PLEASE America, get hip to the wonder that is the 'ELECTRIC KETTLE'!!!!
I'm from Ireland where there is NO kitchen without one of these, but I live in Chicago, where yes! I have managed to find one or two of the blessed devices.
I found my latest one on Amazon for $20 and it's great. (Search on 'electric kettle' I have the West Bend AND the T-Fal). There are cheaper ones and more expensive ones - you choose!
Key point, they switch off automatically when the water has boiled!!!! Result: No burned saucepans, no truly horrific smells AND Tea!!!

If you are still sceptical may I point y'all to a recent article in Slate that EXACTLY makes my point:
http://www.slate.com/id/2129285/

Christina

It's a teabag...I've seen it before and it's amazing that something so innocent can look so disgusting when it's burnt.
Noah is adorable and you look fine...you're being silly.

Nancy

It's so, so hard to pack up the baby clothes, even when you know you might have another use for them someday. It's the whole "holy cow, my baby's growing up" thing, I guess! I recommend keeping a couple of your favorite outfits, my mom did that with me and it's fun to imagine that I was once so small. :-)

Noah, as always: adorable.

Lisa B

Save the clothes! And don't feel bad about it one bit! :-) Great post.

Sarah

Oh heavens, I can't get over your poor chef's knife. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh my eyes! The goggles do nothing! I, too, weep for the chef's knife. Why not use something serrated, so at least it remotely resembles a saw? I could look upon a bread knife being destroyed in such fashion without so many tears. But thank you for consoling me with Noah pictures.

Amalah

Y'all can sleep easy knowing that the chef's knife has been washed, resharpened and is just FINE. It's absolutely industructible.

Also, we have like, four of them.

Tonya

It's a spatula! :) I haven't even read the other comments to see if I'm the first one, cuz I'm typing this hurredly when I should be on my way out the door to work...

Beeeyooouuutiful baby. I love his faces.

My baby (kitten, that is) is entranced with the Christmas tree. She smells piney fresh because she's always climbing it. Sigh... at least Noah isn't big enough to go after it. Yet.

Zoe

Abbagirl: Waiiit a minute... people don't have electric kettles in the US? The mind, it boggles.

bon

beee-hootiful baby and DANG! Amalah, you are so slender already!!!!

Lindy

Amalah, I have to tell you that I think your hair color is fabulous. No really, it looks really good. I don't know if that's natural or a new look, but either way--awesome.

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