Confessions of a Wise Old Daycare Veteran, Who Has Been Using Daycare for Three Whole Half Days Now
December 29, 2005
Oh Internet, how I've neglected you. You're all probably wondering if, on my second day of work, I decided to blow past the daycare center and hightail it to Mexico, with Noah in one hand and my breast pump in the other, laughing maniacally because I left the extra diapers in his cubby at daycare and now I have no money to buy new diapers BUT HE DOESN'T NEED DIAPERS BECAUSE HE HAS MY LOVE, MWA HA HA, and then maybe I fell into some kind of ditch.
Hint: That is not what happened!
What really happened is much less interesting but much more not insane.
I drop Noah off in the morning, usually much later than I intend to, I get big dimply smiles and he gets big kisses, the teachers all smile and indulge me for many, many minutes before they remind me that I should maybe get to that fancy job of mine, I get to work and pout for a little bit, drink some coffee and eat some of the endless parade of leftover holiday goodness in the kitchen, then I work and then I pump milk (with not one, but two chairs and several heavy binders propped against my office door because the lock will not be installed until next week) and then I leave around 1 pm and plow through anyone who tries to stop me and I drive like a maniac back to Noah, my BOY my BOY my PRECIOUS BOY, and he totally ignores me and his teachers all tell me how awesome he is, which DUH PEOPLE, and then I drive home and Noah realizes that hey, it's the chick with the rack and he stage-dives for my boobs and stays attached for the rest of the day and then we play for awhile and then take a little nap together until Jason gets home.
So. Day three.
Is it getting easier? No. I still have those awful Oh God, what am I doing? moments out in the parking lot after I've dropped him off, seething with jealousy over the nice ladies who get to spend the day with my son and feeling my chest tighten in panic, before I pull myself together and make the five-minute drive to my office.
But I will not lie. I enjoy my job. I like my office. I love my coworkers. I missed it here.
To spend a few hours wearing Actual Clothes with Actual Shoes is nice, as is knowing that there is only a very, VERY remote chance that someone will vomit on your sweater. I'm very much needed at my job, but it's not that exhausting, constant kind of NEEEEED that comes from a non-potty-trained and floppy-limbed individual.
(And can I tell you how secretly delighted I am that everything did, in fact, go to absolute hell in a handbasket while I was gone?)
(Am so beyond delighted.)
I'm only working half days this week, so we'll see how I feel next week once I'm back full-time, but I feel like I'm taking better care of Noah in the hours I have with him. Maybe it's guilt, or a cop-out, or a total cliche, but a few hours away from him mean I no longer mind that he wants to be held every blessed moment of the day and will scream if I attempt to put him down for a few minutes to pee or microwave some damn macaroni for lunch.
How could I mind? Every delicious Noah moment makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
And now, the Big Annoying Issue:
Pumping is not going well. Pumping has never gone especially well, so why I thought pumping would magically become easy and fantastic once I went back to work is probably a sign that I am sort of stupid.
Supplementing with formula is nothing new for us, because despite what certain lactation consultants will tell you, there IS such a thing as chronic low supply and I'm sorry, but there's a limit to how much fenugreek I can take and how long I can stand smelling like maple syrup, so Noah usually gets a bottle of formula about once a day, because damn, my boobs get TAPPED OUT.
I haven't written about breastfeeding in awhile, because in True Amalah Fashion, I wrote gobs about it when it was a crisis!crisis!crisis! and then abruptly stopped writing when things sort of calmed down.
(This is kind of a bad habit of mine, which is why the archives are riddled with plot holes.)
(Judith Light Brigade, anyone?)
Anyway, I just wrote this whole long thing about my boobs and how only one really works and the other doesn't and went into way too much detail when really, the only things you need to know are that I cannot keep up with Noah's feeding schedule through pumping, I'm already out of the frozen milk I worked so hard to hoard during my leave, and I'm going to have to send formula with him tomorrow unless I can magically produce about 10 more ounces in the next half hour.
(Guess what I'm doing RIGHT NOW! Yes, am multi-tasking. And typing with one hand.)
I'm only sharing this so y'all can get the full sense of my hypocrisy: I've supplemented with formula since Noah was five days old. But I didn't want the daycare people to know this. I wanted them to think Noah was the 100% exclusively breastfed baby I wanted him to be, because...why?
I DON'T KNOW WHY. I AM NEUROTIC AND STRANGE.
I am also going to pick my baby up from daycare RIGHT THIS MINUTE and take him home and spend the rest of the day marveling at his brilliant new ability to reach out and grab things, like his squeaky toys or Mama's hair, and so longsuckersIamnoteven going to takethetimeto punctuatethislastsentence
Edited to add: Am home now, and here's your precious baby photo, you needy, demanding whores.* 
First comment! Longtime lurker who couldn't resist. Go love on Noah!
I can give you some of my extra milk. During the work hours I can pump as much as babies her age are supposed to eat all day. So why is my baby so freaking small?! She's going to be a midget.
Judith Light Brigade! Aaahh the memories :)
Oh, and who didn't know that Noah is the perfect baby?
What a great idea to start working half-days before the full transition. And in a week that is bookmarked with two Mondays off in a row!
Genius.
we need a picture of mr. noah!
The hell? Noah pictures? Where are they?
I have nothing to say but "good luck." Oh, and what is the Judith Light Brigade?
BTW, in case no one said so today, YOU ROCK...and please include a picture next time!!!!
ok -so have you tried looking at pictures of Noah while you are pumping? I know this sounds weird but a friend of mine told me to do this while pumping and it actually helped... good luck!
Ha! What is the Judith Light Brigade! If you have not read the archives you are just not an Amalah-aholic, lol ;)
And Amy, thanks for gracing us with a few spaces in that last sentence. Much appreciated!
Glad things are improving with the daycare situation, and hope it only gets better from here.
I'm delurking to comment for the first time, I think you are really great and have been reading your blog since you were about 8 months pregnant. I think that you have incredible patience to be working and breast feeding at the same time, what I am getting around to is don't let anyone make you feel bad if you decide to bottle feed your son, he has gotten the really good stuff that he needed from you in the first few weeks of his life, I breastfed my daughter for about 2 and a half months, then switched to formula, I am not exactly clear what they put in that stuff but she is tall, beautiful and incredibly intelligent. She is seven years old now, and I have absolutly no regrets on my decision. There is my piece of assvice, instead of the same ol' good luck shpeel.
LOL... but you WILL still update, right? when you run off to mexico?
it is so wrong, yet so RIGHT, to just lovelovelove how people can't handle things at work when you're gone!
maybe this is totally impossible (since i am childless and ignorant) but can you make up the formula beforehand and then PRETEND it's breastmilk? like when you are forced to bake a yulelog for school and you and your mother don't know what the hell a yulelog is, but the nice people at the supermarket bakery do, and then you spend 2 hours at target trying to find the right-sized tupperware because you can't deliver it in a market basket container? (and can you WAIT for when noah is school-aged and this is your life too?)
Aw, I remember the days of typing with one hand while pumping. I got pretty damn good at it, too. And I even used punctuation! Er, sometimes!
I never had a huge supply either and after a while I had to supplement with formula because I didn't pump enough to leave my daughter during the day. It's hard not to feel like people are going to judge you, but seriously, do not worry about it. Whether you breast or bottle feed, the kid is healthy and gorgeous. That's all that matters.
Anyways, it's so hard to go back to work after maternity leave. So far you are doing a great job. You really haven't run to Mexico. Yet. Right?? ;)
Hee. I love you, girl.
Some women are able to give up pumping, entirely, when they go back to work... and their bodies will adjust to nursing evenings/weekends. The only problem with trying to do that is that if your supply is a bit precarious anyway, this may cause you to dry up.
So, assuming you want to maintain some level of nursing: keep pumping (I assume you have a high-quality double electric pump? yes?) and keep supplementing WITHOUT GUILT because that will neither produce more milk NOR make you smell like a waffle buffet (see, guilt is less productive than fenugreek, even), and see how it goes. Transitioning back to the office and all that goes with it will be hard enough without agonizing over this.
Smooch the lovely baby cheeks for me please. :)
WARNING:
I am a little sick right now so I'm going to try VERY HARD not to projectile vomit on you as I walk past your office :)
I also promise to stay away and shout things like "UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN" as I walk down the hall so that I don't pass my germies to you.
I won't be offended if you spray Lysol in my face just to be sure!
Isn't A;i G cute thinking you can sub out the bmilk for formula and no one will notice? I love it! The proof is in the diapers, sister. ;)
Amalah,
I did not suffer from anything remotely resembling low supply. In fact, I could probably have been a wet nurse.
Having said that...I went back to work when Zoe was seven months old (and like you had the mixed feelings--loved the adult interaction again but missed the nugget with all my heart and felt like I'd left a limb behind), but as successful as I was in nursing (very) and pumping at home (also very very--particularly if I pumped one side while I nursed from the other), when I got to work and tried to pump I came up practically dry.
(Do I now get the award for the longest run-on sentence in a comment?)
So...try the picture thing--you'd be surprised that it helps, and also, try to pump from one side while you feed from the other. The nursing itself stimulates supply.
Good luck.
*nods* I agree with Lindsay. It may stimulate you to produce more milk looking at teh oh so adorable one.
I'm glad things have settled down somewhat for you, I know that it's never easy, but it makes the snuggles even better at the end of the day :)
and yes, I am a 'tard, because I put punctuation in the middle of someone's name! Sorry, that was supposed to be an L in there. Maybe is that what the preview button's fer, ya suppose, duh,huh,huh?
Did you really expect anything OTHER than total chaos while you were gone? Its SO satisfying, isn't it?
Pinch that angel's cheeks for the internet please! And what? You think we want an entry with no Noah pictures? What are you? Crazy?
Well, it seems like you chose the right daycare center, which was a prior concern, so yay there goes one concern to be unconcerned about.
God, I'm exhausted after being up all night with a sick boyfriend. I cower to think what it'll be like when I'm finally ready to pop one out. (A baby, that is, not another boyfriend. Because, you know, OW.)
This comment will be so without the funny, because I have none. Just wanted to thank you for your honesty, regarding the day care thing and the breastfeeding thing, it makes me feel much less alone.
Hey where is the damn commentary from Noah ? Someone is being a blog hog. Just sayin'.
Two of my kids were excusively formula fed. They can do math and puzzles. Two were exculsively breastfed. They draw pictures and write well. I imagine if you are doing both Noah will be able to draw a picture, turn it into a puzzle, and be able to assemble it again.
I am laughing at the comment about disguising formula to look like breast milk. It wouldn't work - they look and SMELL way different, but it's a funny, funny idea.
You know, some daycares get formula (even the really good stuff) free from the government. Mine did. The little angel was a formula baby after seven weeks (because I hated breastfeeding, and dammit, I just stopped), so it was a blessed gift from the Money Fairy to find that I could get FREE SHIT from George Bush even though all of that free formula is probably the reason why all the children are being left behind by the time they get to preschool. Ooops, sorry. Couldn't resist.
I needed someone to give me permission to stop breastfeeding before I could feel good about it. My mother was this person. However, I think the Internet and the nice ladies at daycare would give you permission, too. Just saying.
After trying to nurse two kids who were both born with severe tongue tie (what were the odds that the second kid would have that as well?) I came to the conclusion that a formula fed (or supplemented) baby with a relaxed, relatively calm mommy was much better off than a breastfed baby with a cranky, sleep-deprived, anxious, snappish mother. You do what you can and you do what you have to. Give Noah a smooshy smooch from your loyal readers.
Hee. If y'all could see the GALLERY OF NOAH that my office has become, you'd know that I've tried the picture thing. Also the visualization thing. And as of today (and as detailed in today's Project Babalah sidebar), the sniffing-your-baby's-wee-little-hat thing.
(Oh, and I so wrote that last comment with a baby attached to my boob, and I don't mean to overshare, I just wanted to add that I'm home now and can probably get a photo added to this entry once Noah stops eating and I can find the camera's memory card where all the many many pictures live.)
(I expect him to stop eating sometime in 2006.)
Girl you are amazing. Truly. Thanks for continuing to write with such honesty and humor.
It sounds like things are going pretty well. I'm so glad!
OK reading the sidebar just made me feel so sad! You are doing great! Keep it up.
I wish my work missed me. they do not. They are flourishing and probably plotting my ultimate demise.
Pumping does suck, going back to work sucks too. I hope it gets easier soon. Love the pic.
Ok..cracking up! My baby is 5 weeks old, and I am SO supplementing with formula and I am SO having problems with one boob. At least you can multi-task..last time I tried I dumped all two ounces (yes...two..) right on my lap. I'm glad I'm not alone. Thanks for making me laugh!
Those footies he's wearing? Are the BOMB! I love them. Do they come in women's size 6?
I found, with my son, that I seemed to have more quality time with him during the time I was able to spend with him. It's probably just the "separation/heart grows fonder" phenomenon, but I'm glad it's working out for you!
Oh - and YOU terrible terrible awful mommy liar! The daycare folks will be BESIDE THEMSELVES to find out about the formula. Gasp.
LOL!
Amy, you are awesome. I love to read your entires and see the newest addition to the Noah Gallery. Those pants are too cute!!
I breastfed my son for a year. Don't feel bad, I never had any luck with the breast pump. Just could never get enough to be stocked up on.
Noah's stripey legging thingies are fantastic! Also, damn you with your skinny arms!
Good lord, I miss that little face.
Wait, so what did you get for your birthday?
my god, he is SOOO FREAKIN' CUTE!!!!
I hope when I start popping them out, mine are as cute and smart and delicious as him!
Boozie: Shoes. Work shoes. Also a couple suits. Because Ceiba chewed the heels of all of my pumps in a fit of baby-hating rage and I forgot to seal my suits in plastic and a couple got eaten by moths. Fun!
Another apparent benefit of your big gorgeous baby is the exceedingly toned state of your arms. Well done!
(Apparently the birthday, the daycare, the back to work weren't enough to provoke a comment from me. But Madonna-toned arms? Merit a jingle.)
Me and my sister were formula fed from day one (we were allergic to momma's milk). I don't think we are suffering from any long term effects. except maybe my third eye. Oh and fully functional and autonomous head hidden in my chest cavity. I just mutters, "open your mind! OPEN YOUR MIND!!!"
Other than that? We're fine. Although she is the polestar of pure evil. But that just makes her cute. :P
I think noah is as big in the waist as you are.
When I returned to teaching after baby number three, I used to set a picture of the baby in front of me while I pumped. It really helped.
I supplemented with formulat too- it's all good as long as the little man is eating! : )
Happy New Year Amalah!
AMY! I have been out of town but am back now and did not realize you were going back to work this week until I read it HERE. Sounds like it's pretty much as expected - you are happy to be a MUCH needed grownup (believe me, I remember how much grownups were needed there!) and missing Noah so much! But you are doing such a great job of doing it all!
When Noah is 16 and on Xmas break you will see him one day out of 7 - like mine. Ahh, how things change.
Be grateful you could nurse at all. My son is 9 months ols and I never could.
Daycare will not pass judgement, they just won't.
Plus I forgot to tell you that Filene's at Mazza has totally cute suits on sale.
Gosh your arms are all skinny already. And Noah is thriving. :-)
re: milk supply. Nursing went okay here, good supply and all, with both babies, but the pumping was such a drag. At its best, I could get four ounces on one side (we called that tit "The Overachiever") and two ounces on the other. Keep drinking tons of water, taking a multi-vit (if you aren't already) and lots of calcium citrate, 1,500-2,000 mg. a day. I can't remember, I'm sorry, does calcium make you puke? I hope not! I eventually did a.m./p.m. feedings only; supply and demand worked fine. Sorry for the long note...