The Post After The Post I've Been Dreading
December 20, 2005
First, let's tally up the responses to yesterday's post...
Hateful, judgmental or otherwise assvicey emails: ZERO
Loving, understanding or otherwise supportive emails: 300 and counting
Gold star for the Internet! 'Tis a Christmas miracle!
I hate when I get all defensive like that. You'd think that no one ever says anything nice to me, ever, which is not true. Probably 95% of the comments and emails I get are positive, but it's just that the people who take the time to write hate mail tend to fucking eviscerate me.
And while it's one thing when people tell me I have stupid hair, or that I'm a spoiled materialistic whore because I put a link to my baby registry in the stupid sidebar, it's quite another thing entirely when Noah is involved.
Possibly because it makes me overthink the kind of squishy ground we online writers tread when we post the pictures and real names and bowel functions of our children, and partly because I sooner would chew my own arm off than have him hurt, and if you hurt him I'm thinking that it's only fair if I chew YOUR arm off.
Also, my wafer-thin motherhood skin hasn't yet developed any kind of fuck-you-and-what-you-think-of-my-parenting callous, and yeah, I've been working on that metaphor all damn day.
Anyway.
So whenever I thought about how to approach the whole I'm-going-back-to-work topic, I kept composing the possible hate mail I would get with each one. Like this!
Approach #1: Waaah, I'm so sad I'm going back to work and wish I could afford to stay home but I can't, feel sorry for me and my snuffling sadness.
Dear Amy,
Whatever! You so could afford to stay home! I'm staying home! I just decided that my child is more important than expensive diaper bags and got rid of TiVo. Perhaps you don't really want to stay home, because anyone can stay home if they really love their child enough.
I hope your job pays for a really nice concealer, because otherwise all you'll see is your cold, shriveled and ugly heart when you look in the mirror, like Dorian Gray of the bad parenting world.
Love,
Imaginary Hatemailer #1, Who We'll Call Agnes
PS. Also, we moved to Kansas.
Approach #2: Did I mention that I'm going back to work? No? Oh, well, I am, and I feel just fine, let's talk about something else now.
Dear Amy,
OMG YOU MONSTER. HOW CAN U LEAVE THAT PRECIOUS BABY?> AND NOT CARE? I BET GOD MADE U INFERTILE FOR A REASON.
HATE,
IMAGINARY HATEMAILER #2, WHO IS CALLED CAPPY MCCAPSLOCK
PS. IF U LOVED NOAH YOU'D MOVE TO KANSAS.
Approach #3: 404: Page Not Found.
Dear Amy,
God, your site sucks now. It won't even load. You're so lame and boring.
Love,
The Internet
PS. We heard you moved to Kansas. That's lame and boring.
Don't I write interesting hate mail to myself? I should try sending some real hate mail sometime. Except, I never would, because GOD. JUST HIT THE BACK BUTTON AND CALM DOWN. Just because you're anonymous doesn't mean karma can't find you and drop a goddamned anvil on you, or something.
Hatemailers: the asshole roadragers of the Internet, and yeah, I've been working on that metaphor all year.
ANYWAY.
My point is that I have not gotten any hate mail, other than a couple of Philadelphians who were all, "Wait, what'd we do?"
(Nothing, except tempt us with gorgeous brownstones in our price range and then dash our hopes with the wage tax and property taxes of like, $15,000 a year. And you made my mother-in-law cry, because she was SO HOPING we'd move to Philly so she could be near Noah and I could stay home, and yeah, my own family hasn't been exactly supportive of my decision to go back to work, so why would I expect the Internet to be any different?)
After hitting the "publish" button on yesterday's entry, I took Noah to his daycare and spent a few hours there with him, getting to know the teachers and the other snotty-nosed brats whose parents work and don't love them very much.
And really, it was very nice. The teachers are affectionate and gentle. They tell the babies they love them. And they work with an eerie precision and efficiency to make sure that no baby is fussing or upset or even left glassy-eyed and bored in a bouncy seat. Honestly, I'm lucky if I can keep Noah that entertained and content for half the day.
And Noah did great. When we first arrived, he kept looking for me, whether he was on the floor or in the teacher's arms. After an hour, he no longer seemed concerned. He smiled at his teacher, seriously studied a pretty little nine-month-old girl and shrieked with delight over a handmade mobile of Mardi Gras beads that hung from the ceiling.
He'll be fine. I'll just miss him, is all.
Supportive comment #301
My heart broke for you reading your last post. The most important thing is that you do what is right for you and YOUR family.
Noah is one lucky little man.
He will be great. And so will you.
Why is it such a big deal to women whether a fellow mom stays at home or works. Or even WHY she works. I just don't get why others can be so judgemental and why they think YOUR decisions are THEIR business.
But then again, what do I know?
Oh and Brighton is dead on. Noah IS one lucky little man. And handsome too!
Yes Amalah, he'll be fine. And so will you.
We had a nanny until my daughter was almost 3 when we decided she needed more interaction with other kids and enrolled her in the local Montessori.
I remember dropping her off that first day like it was yesterday (and it was 7 years ago). She smiled and waved goodbye to me. I kept a brave face and went to my car and cried for 15 minutes. Big mommy tears.
But it was the right thing to do.
My "baby" is now in 5th grade and there are still days when I cry a little bit after I drop her off at school. Because I will miss her.
Mommy love...it's the most amazing kinda love.
You're great. Your husband is great. Your son is fabulous.
you will all be okay.
just remember, no one knows more than you about what your son needs.
The best part Amy - will be how happy he is to see you at the end of the day.
He will have a delightful time with the other orphan children in the center, whose parents love them so little they are paying 10,000 per year for good child care.
But the grin for Mama at the end of the day? Priceless!
I'm a lousy comment leaver, even though I should know better since I get such a thrill when someone comments to me. But I wanted to leave a late supportive entry too.
Motherhood is challenging enough, why do women do this to each other? I say make it work however you can and your baby will be just fine.
Yay for the nice Amalah readers!
I don't doubt that you will totally cry like a baby when you drop Noah off at daycare for real on your forst week back. Well, not like Noah because he will be all happy and entertained... maybe like the baby of a really judgemental person once the baby realizes what they are stuck with CAPPY MCCAPSLOCK for the next 18 years. But anyway, you will cry. And probably leave work at lunch to run and see him. And maybe leave early. But, it will get easier, at least that is what my working outside of the home mommy friends have told me.
Jen-Again who will be joining you in (hopefully!) a year and a half or so in the baby in daycare brigade!
Nothing but love for all of you.
Of course you'll miss him. Who wouldn't? Those cheeks alone! :)
But we, the Internets, will be here to comfort you and leave silly comments on your blog while you are going through your withdrawal.
I'm glad you had so many wonderful responses. Doesn't surprise me in the least. :D
add me to the ever growing pile of people who 100% support you. only you know what's best for you and your family.
You guys are such! great! parents! already! Project Babalah = A smashing job, already. You've got a bloody COLLEGE FUND for him already, which makes you miles ahead of Cappy McCAPSLOCK who will probably home school their 14 kids using nothing but the Bible and something called a "primer" (say it: PRIM-ER). You go with your callous-building, but I say it will mostly be used to shield you from the flood of tears that might come from gently placing him in the caring arms of the daycare peeps. Not that I have anything bad to say (the opposite, in fact) about either the Bible or home-schooling, by the way. That last picture makes Noah look so... wise!
You guys are such! great! parents! already! Project Babalah = A smashing job, already. You've got a bloody COLLEGE FUND for him already, which makes you miles ahead of Cappy McCAPSLOCK who will probably home school their 14 kids using nothing but the Bible and something called a "primer" (say it: PRIM-ER). You go with your callous-building, but I say it will mostly be used to shield you from the flood of tears that might come from gently placing him in the caring arms of the daycare peeps. Not that I have anything bad to say (the opposite, in fact) about either the Bible or home-schooling, by the way. That last picture makes Noah look so... wise!
Sorry! accidentally posted twice. Please feel free to delete as needed.
I'm 100% supporting ya. Been there, made those same hard decisions. I have no regrets, my babies are SO SO very freaking loved. They're ten and six now, by the way :)
It broke my heart to leave my baby with a sitter to go back to work, and she was a year old! When she started daycare at 18 months, I cried. No matter what age they are, it'll break your heart, but that doesn't mean it's not the right decision to go back to work. Let's hear it for longer (paid) maternity leaves, a la Canada, though!
You'll be fine, and so will Noah. The first day will probably suck and be hard though, just be forewarned. But it will not suck like you think it will, the anticipation is worse.
I'm in the same boat as you - people bug me ALL the damn time about staying home. Unfortunately, our living expenses = $X a month, hubby's job pays like $X - $0.50. So my income is needed, but not all of it. But they see a nice house and stuff and assume I can just quit if I really wanted to. Yeah, if we want to move to the FAR F-ING side of Loudoun county and we like being closer in (not quite as close as you) but people love to point out that it appears to them that IF I REALLY WANTED TO (or if I really loved my kids enough) I would quit. Assholes.
Anyways - I loved your post yesterday, exactly how I feel too. And today is DAY TWO of maternity leave for me, and I'm already dreading the end of it.
I am pretty sure I heard from Agnes. Yep, that sounds awfully familiar.
We did our final check-in with the daycare center today, turning in our paperwork and whatnot, and I felt so sad. It's really nice to read how things went with your center and Noah.
It's amazing how judgemental people can be of others' choices. We get flak for homeschooling because we are obviously not socializing our children properly by me staying home with them. Whatever. You do what works for your family.
Noah is a cutie-patootie, and so lucky to have you and Jason for parents.
Try and form a daycare at where you work
My heart broke for you reading your last entry and I am not even a mother. You will be fine and Noah will be fine. It will not be easy, but you know what, staying home full time isn't easy either. Good luck Amy!
Let me just say, like all parenting decisions it is a tough one. With my daughter I had decided to stay home, then after 6 weeks couldn't take it and went back to work. After 6 weeks I couldn't take that, flipped out on my boss called her horrible names, got on prozac and became a SAHM. Now my daughter still ends up at preschool twice a week because damn being a mom is hard stuff and sometimes we both need a break. The moral here is as always you have to do whats right for you and Noah and to hell with everyone else. Plus I would be sad if your site went to the dogs. I have to get my free entertainment somewhere.
You know... I BALLED when I read that.
Why can't you stick to the lipstick? Whydya have to go on an make this momma cry?
(hows that for hate mail?)
PMS
You are a great momma. and even better for sharing. thank you.
Yes, he will be fine. You will be fine, too. This is such an emotional topic. I was a stay at home mom. My daughter is a working mom. We were both stressed, just in different ways. It all works out. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It'll be great!
What a great post. I don't comment very often but i read you every day. I think it's a very personal decision and i'm glad no one (so far;) has made you feel bad about your choice.
You'll both be fine, although he'll miss you, too. Is the daycare near your work? I knew some women in my other office who had their kids in day care a few blocks away, and would go have lunch with them.
I cried at your last post, it was so heart renching. Screw anyone who has a problem with you working. It's your decision, not theirs. Your child will not be scarred for life for it. Anyone who has an issue is probably envious that you can leave the house and talk to grown ups or is just a hateful person anyway.
I almost e-mailed you yesterday, but I wasn't sure what to say... as a working mom, I've had all the hate-mail-like conversations in my head (and sometimes with real life people!) That first day can be tough, but you will get to know Noah's caregivers, and you will start caring for them, and they will love him... and that makes it all easier. And I think it makes the time you will spend with him all the more precious! Best wishes.
Everything will be fine, a lot of it is getting used to a new routine. I'm sure you guys have made a great choice and are comfortable with his caregivers and he will have a fine time with his new friends! Going back to work that first day is brainscrambling enough, my only advice (don't mean it to be ass-vice)is to have his first day at daycare occur before you have to be back at work.
"because I sooner would chew my own arm off than have him hurt"
So you leave him at a daycare with strangers? I do not get why people have children if they are looking forward to going back to work and letting someone else raise their child. But hey, he'll have those Gap pants!
I had to go back to work last spring when my little muffin was three months old. I felt really alone and really defensive. But it gets much easier after that first day. He'll always know you're the mama, and honey, you will come to love your hours of GrownUp Time.
My anti-guilt force field is finally getting up to snuff, so I'll lend it to you if you want.
Best wishes.
I really meant to drop you a line about yesterday's post, but ...yeah, the whole work thing. Commenting is about a million times faster.
I admier you for being able to take a step back and do what is best for your family, even everyone else may not agree. Coming from another ridiculously high-rent/high-income area (santa barbara? hello!) I completely understand your need to go back to work in order to support the lifestyle that you choose. Because GAP pants are important, dammit.
Plus the pretend hatemail made me laugh. Although the second one made my gasp. Which made my coworker look at me funny.
Oh Well.
Good luck with the new daycare. I'm sure it will be awesome. AWESOME.
Actually, I did get hate mail just like that recently, and my baby is 22 and her brother is 25, because I dared say that my kids survived working motherhood wtih no ill effects and life didn't suck because I worked. Did I get hate mail! Surreal - the proof is in the, uh, adult kids, isn't it? You'll be fine. Noah will thrive. It'll be an adjustment and it will suck at times, but overall, you are doing what is right for YOUR family and everybody else can bite you.
AAAAANNNNNDDD we have our first crap comment! Welcome Kasey, and sorry about that poor reading comprehension thing you've got going on. "Looking forward to going back to work" MY ASS.
Fuck you!
Oh, and Dawn: Yes, the daycare is extremely close to my job, and I intend to go nurse him over lunch as many days as I can.
well dammit, that one chic had to go and ruin all the supportive posts. bah! screw her. you do what you wanna do. noah will be just fine. it's obvious his mommy and daddy love him very much.
That's right, Kasey. Obviously any parent who works thinks nothing of their child's well being. I mean, all of Amy's writing from the heart was just a cover to make us feel bad for her, right? I guess you and your narrow-minded opinion make Hatemailer #1. Good job. Now go stand in the corner.
(Not that you aren't able to defend yourself if you choose to, Amy, but that really made me mad!!)
^^Busy Mom, you are an incredible asshat. Please go shave your mustache, or something, and never return.
Amy, this is my first comment I'm leaving for you, and I almost emailed you too. I've been there, the working mom, the stay at home mom, the partialy working mom... Nothing is simple and easy.
Your child is like your heart, outside of you. Not to be all sappy, but being a mother is such an intense experience of emotions, my children are 3 and 5, and I still feel that same crazy arm knawing love as you do.
Being a mother, BUSYMOMASSHAT POSTER, means that you will do whatever it takes to make sure your child is happy and well adjusted. Some of us decided that the best choice is to stay at home, and do whatever it takes to do that, even though that makes a severe financial cramp. Others decided to try and be just as selfless, and go back to work. Both choices are HARD!! Both lives are HARD!
Let's not try and judge one another so much, mommies. We all have enough guilt to carry around everyday as it is.
Except for you, BusyMomAsshat. I will be silently judging you over here.
Amalha, you will be fine and so will Noah and your hubby.
When I went back to work last year when my son was 2.5 months, I thought that he'll forget his Mama and prefer his Grammy (who watches him) over me...but guess what??? I WAS HIS FAVE PERSON (well, until he turned 1 and now Daddy's his fave person, but that's a different story). At the end of a stressful/hard day at work, coming home to a smiling baby with his arms reached out to me made everything all better. I second the previous comments...you do what is best for your family and don't give a crap what anyone else thinks because it's not like they pay your freakin' bills or anything, right?
hey, it's me again...just want to apologize for misspelling 'Amalah' :)
PissedAtBusyMom, I think you meant Kasey, not BusyMom.
Um, yeah, whoops. Sorry, BusyMom! JESUS! As I said, this is my first comment I've posted, so the whole scrolling down thing and looking at names went sailing over my head.
Kasey! CrazyKasey, YOU SUCK!
You can say whatever you would like to make yourself feel better. You will have what, a whole two hours after dinner to play mommy, right? You should listen to your family, they might be on to something...
its good going back to pay the bills, and it's also good if, you know, you like your job and the feeling of confidence and autonomy it might give you too -- it doesn't have to be all self-sacrifice. Even if you ARE a mother.
one of the clearest memories of my mom that i have is of the day she got her first job after quitting work to staying home for years to take care of us kids. she had just gotten off the phone and she had tears in her eyes - she was crying because she was happy. i was 8, my brother was about 11. She loved us, and she also loved having her own identity and work interests. (ESL teacher).
my brother and i turned out just fine.
You know, I think I actually agree with Kasey. They should make a law that says you absolutely cannot have children unless you are able to raise them on one income (i.e. your husband's. And if you are a single mom? Well my darling, you are just shit outta luck.) I mean really, mothers don't need interaction with other adults at all. I believe if a woman wants to have a child, it really means she is perfectly content with talking only about poop, breastfeeding, and onesies all day, every day.
As I said in the e-mail yesterday, screw the judgemental bitches, actually I think I said "fuck 'em" but hey, you get the point.
Noah is a lucky boy to have parents concerned about his current and future happiness...he'll miss mommy a little bit but he'll also have a wonderful time making buddies (and flirting with the girls - obviously).
Ya know, bad karma haunts you forever when you're mean and ugly to people right??
I refuse to even type the things I am thinking about Kasey right now because its not worth it. I am in the same position as you are right now Amalah. Yes I could stay home with my new son and give up every single luxery we have just to pay the bills but you know what? In the long run there are so many things I want to give him that unfortunatly cost $$$ so I HAVE to go back. And thats why we as LOVING mothers check out a billion daycares and ask a million questions and sign up for mommy cams so we can obsess all day. I too am tortured by the decision but I know it will mean a better life for my son not to mention all the benifits of socialization and learning he will get. Noah is beautiful and you are obviously a wonderful mother doing the best for her boy.
Sorry for the rant.
Just wanted to say that the picture of Noah yesterday, with him sucking his thumb & your caption about him not forgetting that your his mommy?
Not a chance. You are everything to him. Always will be.
And that picture of him was the best yet.
kasey,
if you don't agree with amalah's parenting then fucking leave. who in the hell do you think you are, trying to make someone you don't even know feel like shit? what makes you think you're so much better than her? based on your attitude, i can already tell she's a much better parent than you could ever dream of being.
People are so mean. Sorry, guess Amalah was wrong about the Internet. There are serious idiots out there who don't know that if you can't say something nice, sometimes you shouldn't say anything AT ALL. I'm sorry people have said mean things to you Amalah. I don't have a baby yet, and already I worry about sending him/her to daycare. It's obvious how much you love Noah, and anyone who reads this site is heartless if they can't get that.
"PissedAtA" poster, sweetheart, you got the name wrong. It was "Kasey" who left the asshat comment. Busymom is a lovely blogger who would never rip on our Amalah. Just wanted to clarify, it was an easy mistake to make.
Amalah, dahling. In my tenure working in daycare, I can say with a lot of confidence a couple of things. For one? The socialization of daycare is awesome. ALL my babes at the center ADORED each other (despite the biting phases) and I think they learned a LOT being with each other every day. Most DC workers love kids with all their hearts, that's why they're doing it. And finally, you will always be in more agony about sweet Noah being there than he will ever, ever be. This is a new adventure for him! This is hell for you! It's a terrible situation for you, sweetheart, but it's not for him. Please don't kill yourself about this. It's all gonna be okay. I swear.