Vignettes
December 05, 2005
Jason's brother and his wife came to visit this weekend, and they were my favorite kind of out-of-town guests: The Kind That Stay In A Hotel.
We went out to dinner at an infant-friendly pizza restaurant (translation: loud enough on its own to drown out any screaming) on Friday night. And we sat next to some...interesting people.
This picture fails to adequately capture the full horror of THE HAIR THAT ATE PIZZA or the magenta lycra-infused velvet outfit. And her -- no lie -- GREEN-TINTED GLASSES are obviously not pictured, because frankly, I was afraid she'd spot me snapping the picture and like, turn me into a leprechaun with them.
Noah started to fuss at one point so we gave him a bottle (of formula! stone me with crumpled up La Leche League pamphlets!) and Jason hoisted him up on his shoulder for a burp.
The woman immediately grabbed her purse off the chair closest to Jason and her husband jumped up to move his jacket.
When they saw that we'd noticed, she smiled and cheerfully said they were just "clearing a path for the little guy."
Now, I'll certainly testify that Noah is capable of some tremendous projectile spit-up, I have to say that the distance between our tables AND THE FACT THAT NOAH WAS FACING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION would have required a trajectory of magic spit-up not seen since the Kennedy assassination.
My brother-in-law: Personally, I'm more afraid of a bird flying out of that thing on her head and taking a shit on me.
I married into the best family ever.
Madonna? WE GET IT. You do a lot of yoga. Now go put some pants on.
Saturday night we went out for a Big Night Out With Potty-Trained Adults, which meant Noah was left with a sitter.
Jason was sure to leave our cell phone numbers, our parents' phone numbers, and the DC Emergency Preparedness Guide tacked up prominently on the fridge.
He's such an adorable daddy I can hardly stand it. I mean, HE LEFT THE NUMBER FOR FEMA.
With the exception of a guilt-induced-oh-my-God-we-left-him-with-a-sitter co-sleeping regression on Saturday night, Noah continues to sleep through the night, every night.
He gets a bath, some boob and a book. He goes in his crib when he's still slightly awake, and with a few minutes of Winnie-the-Pooh mobile action, he's sound asleep and I'm left with no baby to entertain and thus, no purpose in life.
I'm sleeping just fine now, and am growing slightly more confident in the fact that Noah can sleep in a different room on a different floor and remain 100% alive. Sort of. I mean, I might still poke him occasionally, but the bathroom is right across the hall from his room and I had to pee anyway so I would be an irresponsible parent if I DIDN'T sneak in to check on his aliveness, right?
You know what though?
I don't think it will shock anyone to know that I really, really, REALLY love this baby. Or that I pretty much lost my mind with the love for him ages ago, back when he was just that little eraserhead tadpole blob thing.
But I'm finding that my love for him grows exponentially for every extra hour of sleep he lets me get at night, and I hope that doesn't make me shallow and awful, but this morning he woke up at 7 am with Jason, nursed and fell asleep again and spooned with me until 10 am, and then nursed and cooed and giggled at me for an hour, and then fell asleep AGAIN in time for The Price Is Right.
He woke up after the Showcase Showdown, and people, it's official. Noah is The World's Most Perfect and Insanely Lovable Baby, Not That I Am Bragging, Because He Did Puke On Me Twice Today and Is Kind Of Constipated.
But that doesn't matter, because the love withstands the puke.
That woman? Kinda puts all your hair worries to bed, no? Along with her very strange notions of children and their dangerous spit-up that can clearly eat through leather like acid.
Aww. He's perfect. And incredibly cute.
I had that perfect baby the first time around. It's the second one that's going to be the death of me.
I am also so in love with this baby. Could he be any cuter??
Am also so happy that he is sleeping through the night. I must have a baby like little Noah!! You must tell me what God's you prayed to in order to get a perfect baby like him!
Forget advice on Wednesdays, that woman just needs to be SMACKED.
I still think they need to make up a new word for the way a mother loves her baby. "Love" just doesn't cut it, particularly not for babies who sleep through the night.
You know I make all those faces in my pictures and I never turn out looking that cute. And truly, I am so incredibly and insanely happy for you. I also hate you a little bit because you're totally living my dream, but it's such good, loving hate! And then I think, you know what? The girl earned it--every bit of it. And the hate just vanishes! Thinking of you and sending happy thoughts of sleeping babies into Noah's brain!
That is the cutest baby..besides my own ever. Really I mean it.
What an adorable child! Thanks for all your updates. I use your blog as a guide to my own pregnancy (now in the 16th week!)
Damn! He's deeelish. I know what you mean about the love...my twins are 4 months old and they've slept through the night for about a month now. It's heaven to hang out with them now that I'm (reasonably) sane and rested. It's a whole new world. Congratulations on your darling boy. Love Love Love the pics.
I stand by my assertion that there is nothing in this world quite as fabulous as a baby boy. I feel fantastically blessed to have had two of them at once. I can guarantee you that the exponential love growth just continues until you think it's impossible that it can get any bigger. But it does. Somehow, it always does.
LOVE the comment
"But I'm finding that my love for him grows exponentially for every extra hour of sleep he lets me get at night...."
SO TRUE.
Wow...that hair makes me feel SO much better about my own frizzy curls!
Noah is so cute! I want one! (Just don't tell my husband I said that. He just got me a cat in lu of a baby ;)
Oh my GOD. That second one? Top row, on the right? MIGHT BE THE CUTEST PICTURE OF ANY BABY IN THE HISTORY OF BABIES.
Seriously. OMFG, that is an awesome picture. Drunk, smiley baby mocking the world and lovin' it.
Amalah--
A friend of mine pointed out your blog...and I am totally hooked. You are a fabulous writer and I am in the process of trying to conceive, so everytime I see little Noah it gives me hope. No matter what you write about, I truly enjoy reading what you think and your sense of humor is fabulous. Thanks for letting me peek in your world.
have you read the excerpt for "Girl Clown?" (ad on project sell-out) i mean, HAVE YOU READ THE EXCERPT FOR "GIRL CLOWN?!"
"Islands in the stream, that is what we are..." Oh, that's not Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton reunited? Right, because Dolly Parton would not wear such a Hot Roller Hair Show creation on her head, and is probably nicer than that woman.
She was probably just jealous because you have the *most gorgeous* baby boy ever! (because you most certainly do!)
holy shit. i believe baby spit-up could only improve that lady's hair. i am logically deducing this because IT COULD NOT GET WORSE.
you and jason are hysterical. FEMA? love it!
I am truly afraid of that cotton-candy-looking hair. I wonder if she just keeps curling it every day without washing it? Noah is fabulous, and you are obviously awesome parents.
I used to love this blog because you seemed to be going through the the same things I was. Right about the time I thought my baby was abnormal for not sleeping through the night, you were all "I'm so sleep deprived! Noah doesn't sleep through the night!." Now. I am depressed. I need sleep and my child doesn't seem to understand that if Noah is sleeping through the night then he should be too. WAHHHHHHHHHH!
Wonder if that's a wig? Because how on earth does one get matted curls quite *that* uniformly matted? I bet they would crunch if squeezed, too.
Noah just gets cuter and cuter.
Aww. I remember the first time both my twins slept through the night (at 3 months, mind you). It was like the world's biggest fucking holiday ever. When I went outside I couldn't figure out why everyone was pretending it was just an ordinary day. But FEMA? Useless, don't ya think, given recent events and all? What a sweetie (the big one too).
That is the sweetest post ever. What a great baby, and what a great mommy.
If Gabby wasn't a "toddler" I'd totally fight you about him being The World's Most Perfect and Insanely Lovable Baby, but ok! Fine! He is! But Gabby's the The World's Most Perfect and Insanely Lovable Toddler.
And, um, my oldest is 12 and I STILL wake up in a panic to make sure he's still breathing. That fear has never left me.
that girl with the hair is fucked up.
He is such an adorable baby...almost makes me want to forget my pill...almost ;)
Ah, the Tranny Hooker Hair. Very 10th Avenue.
Whenever my husband says we should wait an extra year to have a baby I show him a picture of Noah and it never fails to reduce him to a pile of mush.
Thank you for being part of my master plan.
Man.
That kid is going to be a heart-breaker when he grows past the mushy-faced baby phase. Of course, I suspect he's breaking hearts now, for women everywhere wish he was theirs.
I hope I have a son and I hope he's as adorable and sweet and smiley as Noah seems.
See? All the freaking out over pregnancy and motherhood? Was worth it and it's really, really awesome to see you so happy and fulfilled.
"He gets a bath, some boob and a book."
This reminded me of my dad when I was growing up. He had a fondness for alliteration, so we had "bites, bath, book and bed." Also, when we got in the car to go anywhere, we'd buckle our seatbelts "simultaneously!" (said outloud with emphasis and sparkle!)
I just wanted to share because this entry had me saying "aww" in a whole new (nostalgic!) way!
Thanks sweetie.
Sadly, women in Dallas don't even wear their hair like that (anymore).
I saw that picture of Noah yawning.....and I yawned.
Wow. That hair is The Fug. I totally had the Dolly/Kenny feeling as well when I saw that.
Thank God Noah was there to heal my traumatized eyes with his cuteness!
That lady's hair is going to come out of my computer screen and eat me, I just know it.
Oh he is cute. If he is sleeping through the night already and you can back in your prepregnancy jeans, I officially hate you while at the same time am compelled to love you.
It's possible that he is the cutest kid that I didn't give birth to, ever. He's still in that stage where he looks like a wise little old man. I love that stage. (sigh) All my babies be growing up.
OK. That? Is abso-freakin-lutely the cutest baby montage ever.
Man, that Noah gets cuter everyday. Of course you should check his aliveness (great word, by the way). I have to admit, I actually check my husband's breathing sometimes, so I can imagine the glarey death stares I will get in a few years.
Sidenote: Even though I kind of like the gaucho thing, I know when to, and when not to, wear them. I was just looking at someone's professional wedding pics and right there, smack in the middle of one, smack in the middle of bridesmaids and semi-formally-attired guests, is some fool in gauchos and heels. At someone's wedding!!
Don't worry. You won't need to call poison control until he is mobile.
Not that I know or anything.
Hey, Rugrats? Either address your comments about Amalah's topics with her privately, or shut the fuck up and stop reading her blog if you don't like what she has to say. No one wants to see your bullshit. Oh, and while you're at it, how about using a real e-mail address?
(Note to Amalah -- when you can this asshole's comment, feel free to can mine since it'll make no sense without context. And then I will come back and write something sweet about the squishy-faced boy.)
I love how you have the tendency to take pictures of Noahlah lying horizontally but then post them like he is sitting vertically!
Thanks for answering Isabel and my blogging etiquette question the other day!
Asshat (I mean Rugrat...)
Get over yourself.
Oh wait...are you the woman in the picture?
No wonder you're so upset, Amalah made fun of your pretty prety Jersey hair.
And, at least be man (or woman, or crazy hair lady) enough to stand behind what you write... pizza.net?
So! It was Noah on the grassy knoll after all.
Too bad the "not teased but definitely tortured Tree of Hair" wasn't in Dallas back in '63.
No way Oswald gets a clear shot w/ THAT blocking the street.
Oh, and I got me some "luscious baby goodness" of my own, 8 mos. old and out-gerbers the gerber baby for cuteness. Of course, I could be slightly prejudiced.
Okay, that's it! In 25 years, I'm divorcing my husband and MARRYING that kid! Seriously, the nose and the neck KILL ME!
And he's drinking breastmilk AND formula!? You're so LUCKY! I've tried giving my son some formula when I've been too tired to breastfeed and there's none pumped, but he acts like it's dog piss and makes the most vile face....
Oh and, you're so right, Madonna? We TOTALLY get it. Enough already. Those videos make me feel like a bowl of jello.
Wow. Not only have you achieved having the world's cutest baby, I think you also achieved having someone leave the world's longest comment up there.
And the hair? I shudder with fright. I'm with your brother-in-law in worrying about what might emerge from that hair.
And not only is it the world's longest comment (I didn't read it before I my last comment) it's also the world's meanest! Geez.
that baby has some awe inspiring jowls.
"It's just a biological process which has been around for a few thousand years."
Buh? I bet someone didn't do very well in biology
I love any baby who sleeps from 6 to 7 and then falls back asleep at 8:30. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok, please don't think I'm looney...BUT I was at Two Amy's that night too and I actually SAW baby Noah and yes, he was the most adorable baby ever (I thought it would be slightly stalker-ish to itroduce myself to you and baby so I held back). Anyways, I SAW that crazy bird-haired woman and just assumed that she had something nesting in there. My friend and I couldn't stop laughing. Glad you got documentation for everyone else!
Noah is too cute. And since he's a great sleeper, that makes him all the cuter. You are one lucky mom (though you know it.)
Some dumbass people who shall remain anonymous need to remember that people with kids deserve to have a life, too. And (s)he had the nerve to call YOU judgemental. Feh indeed.
awww.. All that incredible cuteness is going to kill me. It's just too much cuteness for one baby to have! :)