Wednesday Advice Smackdown


Jason's brother and his wife came to visit this weekend, and they were my favorite kind of out-of-town guests: The Kind That Stay In A Hotel.

We went out to dinner at an infant-friendly pizza restaurant (translation: loud enough on its own to drown out any screaming) on Friday night. And we sat next to some...interesting people.



This picture fails to adequately capture the full horror of THE HAIR THAT ATE PIZZA or the magenta lycra-infused velvet outfit. And her -- no lie -- GREEN-TINTED GLASSES are obviously not pictured, because frankly, I was afraid she'd spot me snapping the picture and like, turn me into a leprechaun with them.

Noah started to fuss at one point so we gave him a bottle (of formula! stone me with crumpled up La Leche League pamphlets!) and Jason hoisted him up on his shoulder for a burp.

The woman immediately grabbed her purse off the chair closest to Jason and her husband jumped up to move his jacket.

When they saw that we'd noticed, she smiled and cheerfully said they were just "clearing a path for the little guy."

Now, I'll certainly testify that Noah is capable of some tremendous projectile spit-up, I have to say that the distance between our tables AND THE FACT THAT NOAH WAS FACING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION would have required a trajectory of magic spit-up not seen since the Kennedy assassination.

My brother-in-law: Personally, I'm more afraid of a bird flying out of that thing on her head and taking a shit on me.

I married into the best family ever.


Madonna? WE GET IT. You do a lot of yoga. Now go put some pants on.


Saturday night we went out for a Big Night Out With Potty-Trained Adults, which meant Noah was left with a sitter.

Jason was sure to leave our cell phone numbers, our parents' phone numbers, and the DC Emergency Preparedness Guide tacked up prominently on the fridge.



He's such an adorable daddy I can hardly stand it. I mean, HE LEFT THE NUMBER FOR FEMA.


With the exception of a guilt-induced-oh-my-God-we-left-him-with-a-sitter co-sleeping regression on Saturday night, Noah continues to sleep through the night, every night.

He gets a bath, some boob and a book. He goes in his crib when he's still slightly awake, and with a few minutes of Winnie-the-Pooh mobile action, he's sound asleep and I'm left with no baby to entertain and thus, no purpose in life.

I'm sleeping just fine now, and am growing slightly more confident in the fact that Noah can sleep in a different room on a different floor and remain 100% alive. Sort of. I mean, I might still poke him occasionally, but the bathroom is right across the hall from his room and I had to pee anyway so I would be an irresponsible parent if I DIDN'T sneak in to check on his aliveness, right?

You know what though?

I don't think it will shock anyone to know that I really, really, REALLY love this baby. Or that I pretty much lost my mind with the love for him ages ago, back when he was just that little eraserhead tadpole blob thing.

But I'm finding that my love for him grows exponentially for every extra hour of sleep he lets me get at night, and I hope that doesn't make me shallow and awful, but this morning he woke up at 7 am with Jason, nursed and fell asleep again and spooned with me until 10 am, and then nursed and cooed and giggled at me for an hour, and then fell asleep AGAIN in time for The Price Is Right.

He woke up after the Showcase Showdown, and people, it's official. Noah is The World's Most Perfect and Insanely Lovable Baby, Not That I Am Bragging, Because He Did Puke On Me Twice Today and Is Kind Of Constipated.

But that doesn't matter, because the love withstands the puke.





That woman? Kinda puts all your hair worries to bed, no? Along with her very strange notions of children and their dangerous spit-up that can clearly eat through leather like acid.


Aww. He's perfect. And incredibly cute.

I had that perfect baby the first time around. It's the second one that's going to be the death of me.


I am also so in love with this baby. Could he be any cuter??

Am also so happy that he is sleeping through the night. I must have a baby like little Noah!! You must tell me what God's you prayed to in order to get a perfect baby like him!


Forget advice on Wednesdays, that woman just needs to be SMACKED.

I still think they need to make up a new word for the way a mother loves her baby. "Love" just doesn't cut it, particularly not for babies who sleep through the night.


You know I make all those faces in my pictures and I never turn out looking that cute. And truly, I am so incredibly and insanely happy for you. I also hate you a little bit because you're totally living my dream, but it's such good, loving hate! And then I think, you know what? The girl earned it--every bit of it. And the hate just vanishes! Thinking of you and sending happy thoughts of sleeping babies into Noah's brain!


That is the cutest baby..besides my own ever. Really I mean it.


What an adorable child! Thanks for all your updates. I use your blog as a guide to my own pregnancy (now in the 16th week!)


Damn! He's deeelish. I know what you mean about the twins are 4 months old and they've slept through the night for about a month now. It's heaven to hang out with them now that I'm (reasonably) sane and rested. It's a whole new world. Congratulations on your darling boy. Love Love Love the pics.


I stand by my assertion that there is nothing in this world quite as fabulous as a baby boy. I feel fantastically blessed to have had two of them at once. I can guarantee you that the exponential love growth just continues until you think it's impossible that it can get any bigger. But it does. Somehow, it always does.


LOVE the comment
"But I'm finding that my love for him grows exponentially for every extra hour of sleep he lets me get at night...."


Kate The Great

Wow...that hair makes me feel SO much better about my own frizzy curls!

Noah is so cute! I want one! (Just don't tell my husband I said that. He just got me a cat in lu of a baby ;)


Oh my GOD. That second one? Top row, on the right? MIGHT BE THE CUTEST PICTURE OF ANY BABY IN THE HISTORY OF BABIES.

Seriously. OMFG, that is an awesome picture. Drunk, smiley baby mocking the world and lovin' it.



A friend of mine pointed out your blog...and I am totally hooked. You are a fabulous writer and I am in the process of trying to conceive, so everytime I see little Noah it gives me hope. No matter what you write about, I truly enjoy reading what you think and your sense of humor is fabulous. Thanks for letting me peek in your world.


have you read the excerpt for "Girl Clown?" (ad on project sell-out) i mean, HAVE YOU READ THE EXCERPT FOR "GIRL CLOWN?!"


"Islands in the stream, that is what we are..." Oh, that's not Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton reunited? Right, because Dolly Parton would not wear such a Hot Roller Hair Show creation on her head, and is probably nicer than that woman.

She was probably just jealous because you have the *most gorgeous* baby boy ever! (because you most certainly do!)

Ali G

holy shit. i believe baby spit-up could only improve that lady's hair. i am logically deducing this because IT COULD NOT GET WORSE.

you and jason are hysterical. FEMA? love it!


I am truly afraid of that cotton-candy-looking hair. I wonder if she just keeps curling it every day without washing it? Noah is fabulous, and you are obviously awesome parents.


I used to love this blog because you seemed to be going through the the same things I was. Right about the time I thought my baby was abnormal for not sleeping through the night, you were all "I'm so sleep deprived! Noah doesn't sleep through the night!." Now. I am depressed. I need sleep and my child doesn't seem to understand that if Noah is sleeping through the night then he should be too. WAHHHHHHHHHH!


Wonder if that's a wig? Because how on earth does one get matted curls quite *that* uniformly matted? I bet they would crunch if squeezed, too.

Noah just gets cuter and cuter.


Aww. I remember the first time both my twins slept through the night (at 3 months, mind you). It was like the world's biggest fucking holiday ever. When I went outside I couldn't figure out why everyone was pretending it was just an ordinary day. But FEMA? Useless, don't ya think, given recent events and all? What a sweetie (the big one too).


That is the sweetest post ever. What a great baby, and what a great mommy.


If Gabby wasn't a "toddler" I'd totally fight you about him being The World's Most Perfect and Insanely Lovable Baby, but ok! Fine! He is! But Gabby's the The World's Most Perfect and Insanely Lovable Toddler.

And, um, my oldest is 12 and I STILL wake up in a panic to make sure he's still breathing. That fear has never left me.


that girl with the hair is fucked up.


He is such an adorable baby...almost makes me want to forget my pill...almost ;)

Real Girl

Ah, the Tranny Hooker Hair. Very 10th Avenue.


Whenever my husband says we should wait an extra year to have a baby I show him a picture of Noah and it never fails to reduce him to a pile of mush.

Thank you for being part of my master plan.



That kid is going to be a heart-breaker when he grows past the mushy-faced baby phase. Of course, I suspect he's breaking hearts now, for women everywhere wish he was theirs.

I hope I have a son and I hope he's as adorable and sweet and smiley as Noah seems.

See? All the freaking out over pregnancy and motherhood? Was worth it and it's really, really awesome to see you so happy and fulfilled.


"He gets a bath, some boob and a book."

This reminded me of my dad when I was growing up. He had a fondness for alliteration, so we had "bites, bath, book and bed." Also, when we got in the car to go anywhere, we'd buckle our seatbelts "simultaneously!" (said outloud with emphasis and sparkle!)

I just wanted to share because this entry had me saying "aww" in a whole new (nostalgic!) way!

Thanks sweetie.


Sadly, women in Dallas don't even wear their hair like that (anymore).


I saw that picture of Noah yawning.....and I yawned.


Wow. That hair is The Fug. I totally had the Dolly/Kenny feeling as well when I saw that.
Thank God Noah was there to heal my traumatized eyes with his cuteness!


That lady's hair is going to come out of my computer screen and eat me, I just know it.

Lisa V

Oh he is cute. If he is sleeping through the night already and you can back in your prepregnancy jeans, I officially hate you while at the same time am compelled to love you.


It's possible that he is the cutest kid that I didn't give birth to, ever. He's still in that stage where he looks like a wise little old man. I love that stage. (sigh) All my babies be growing up.


OK. That? Is abso-freakin-lutely the cutest baby montage ever.


Man, that Noah gets cuter everyday. Of course you should check his aliveness (great word, by the way). I have to admit, I actually check my husband's breathing sometimes, so I can imagine the glarey death stares I will get in a few years.

Sidenote: Even though I kind of like the gaucho thing, I know when to, and when not to, wear them. I was just looking at someone's professional wedding pics and right there, smack in the middle of one, smack in the middle of bridesmaids and semi-formally-attired guests, is some fool in gauchos and heels. At someone's wedding!!

Sarcastic Journalist

Don't worry. You won't need to call poison control until he is mobile.

Not that I know or anything.


Hey, Rugrats? Either address your comments about Amalah's topics with her privately, or shut the fuck up and stop reading her blog if you don't like what she has to say. No one wants to see your bullshit. Oh, and while you're at it, how about using a real e-mail address?

(Note to Amalah -- when you can this asshole's comment, feel free to can mine since it'll make no sense without context. And then I will come back and write something sweet about the squishy-faced boy.)

For Joke!

I love how you have the tendency to take pictures of Noahlah lying horizontally but then post them like he is sitting vertically!

Thanks for answering Isabel and my blogging etiquette question the other day!


Asshat (I mean Rugrat...)
Get over yourself.

Oh wait...are you the woman in the picture?
No wonder you're so upset, Amalah made fun of your pretty prety Jersey hair.

And, at least be man (or woman, or crazy hair lady) enough to stand behind what you write...


So! It was Noah on the grassy knoll after all.

Too bad the "not teased but definitely tortured Tree of Hair" wasn't in Dallas back in '63.

No way Oswald gets a clear shot w/ THAT blocking the street.

Oh, and I got me some "luscious baby goodness" of my own, 8 mos. old and out-gerbers the gerber baby for cuteness. Of course, I could be slightly prejudiced.

RockStar Mommy

Okay, that's it! In 25 years, I'm divorcing my husband and MARRYING that kid! Seriously, the nose and the neck KILL ME!

And he's drinking breastmilk AND formula!? You're so LUCKY! I've tried giving my son some formula when I've been too tired to breastfeed and there's none pumped, but he acts like it's dog piss and makes the most vile face....

Oh and, you're so right, Madonna? We TOTALLY get it. Enough already. Those videos make me feel like a bowl of jello.


Wow. Not only have you achieved having the world's cutest baby, I think you also achieved having someone leave the world's longest comment up there.

And the hair? I shudder with fright. I'm with your brother-in-law in worrying about what might emerge from that hair.


And not only is it the world's longest comment (I didn't read it before I my last comment) it's also the world's meanest! Geez.

Heather O'Douls

that baby has some awe inspiring jowls.


"It's just a biological process which has been around for a few thousand years."

Buh? I bet someone didn't do very well in biology

Heather B.

I love any baby who sleeps from 6 to 7 and then falls back asleep at 8:30. Best. Thing. Ever.


Ok, please don't think I'm looney...BUT I was at Two Amy's that night too and I actually SAW baby Noah and yes, he was the most adorable baby ever (I thought it would be slightly stalker-ish to itroduce myself to you and baby so I held back). Anyways, I SAW that crazy bird-haired woman and just assumed that she had something nesting in there. My friend and I couldn't stop laughing. Glad you got documentation for everyone else!


Noah is too cute. And since he's a great sleeper, that makes him all the cuter. You are one lucky mom (though you know it.)

Some dumbass people who shall remain anonymous need to remember that people with kids deserve to have a life, too. And (s)he had the nerve to call YOU judgemental. Feh indeed.

Big Gay Sam

awww.. All that incredible cuteness is going to kill me. It's just too much cuteness for one baby to have! :)


Would it be rude of me to print off that picture of that woman and tell people "yes, my hair doesn't look that great, but at least IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THIS!"


Oh Man. I hope you didn't just jinx yourself by saying "...Noah continues to sleep through the night, every night." out loud.

Bozoette Mary

erin -- re the excerpt for Girl Clown? I hope you liked it, because I wrote it. Oh, and I wrote the rest of the book, too!


First-- the lady with the hair. That is sooo something my dad or I would have done. My dad purposely brought a camera to Taco Bell to take a picture of a woman he called BubbleButt. Anyhooo.. my 6 week old is not sleeping through the night at all-- in fact, he fed 12 times yesterday. I'm sore. I'm going to try your routine tonight and pray pray pray that it works. Oh he's awake. gotta go. Hugs to Noah!!


I had a hairdresser once that tried to do that to my hair. I have been trying to stop my hair from being poofy for 25+ years, and all she wanted to do was poof it!

I'm just a midwestern farm girl, people! Give me some braids and call it good.


uhh ohh, looks like some rugrat was trying to get a little publicity. It's a shame what some people will do to get it. LAME! On to more important things. He is gorgeous and the sleep thing, uhh very jelous. My 2 year old still gets up to nurse once during the night!


I think that angry rugrat ass must not have been held much as a baby. Perhaps his mom didn't love him enough and didn't take him out in public, and now he has some resentment towards childhood.


I am quite sure there are many people who don't like babies. However, the people who read this blog do. And if you go to a pizzeria or other casual restaurants, you expect kids, families, etc. to be there. And we all have a God-given right to make fun of people with bad (especially BIG) hair. What a jackhole that rugrat is.

Real Girl


My comment pet peeve is people who comment without reading ALL PERTINENT INFORMATION, such as Amalah's about the family-friendly restaurant: "translation: loud enough on its own to drown out any screaming."

Which part didn't you understand--the "loud" or the "screaming?" I'd answer my own question if I could.


Rugrats comment actually made me laugh. Dude, a) she's a trolly-type, which means ignoring is the best solution (WHICH I AM FULLY AWARE I AM NOT DOING BECAUSE I HAVE NO RESTRAINT. Sorry, Amalah)

b) Funny how she's (he's?) calling you judgmental (and spelling it wrong because she's somewhere in the range of mentallly retarded), yet she is judging you infinitely more harshly and personally than anyone deserves.

c) If she doesn't like babies than WHY IS SHE (He?) HERE? Again, the brain cells? They're not all there.

Ignore her, Amalah. You are still the Queen of Everything, and Noah the crown prince.


Hi Amalah. Found your site a while ago and got hooked. Actually had to go back and read your entire archives (not stalkerish at all, right?!?)

Just gotta say that I could totally eat Noah up right now! He's such a doll. Thanks for sharing!


Dear Rugrat:

Please get over yourself, and while you're reading all kinds of crap into what Amalah wrote *conspiracy theory, much?* why don't you put a little stock in what she DID actually write:

"Note: Any comment left without a valid email address and/or URL will be deleted. So don't say shit you ain't gonna stand behind, bizzitch. Also don't be mean, because I have delicate little feelings.

LET ME REPEAT THAT FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK: If you leave a fake email address, I will delete your comment."

Buh bye.

Amy - he just keeps getting cuter and cuter and cuter and I think my non-functioning ovaries are going to explode in envy. *gah*


I think the "big Hair" women works in my office building in Chevy Chase. When ever someone spots her, (usually in the elevator) they are as excited as if they had seen a real honest-to-god movie star. The hair is just that unforgettable. Of course I could be wrong, in which case, never mind....


Did Noah just get cuter overnight? And, also, has he signed a photo release?


you know, rugrats wrote a really judgmental comment blaming the amalahs for being judgmental.

and now all these commenters are writing nasty comments to rugrats for being nasty.

it isn't really a question of liking or not liking babies, is it? more like a question of manners...which you must still have when correcting other people's manners, otherwise you are triply an ass.

now please find something better to talk about because i have the feverish flu and you guys are making me feel worse...

Silly Hily

Dear chicken shit "Rugrat",
Are you serious!? Babies poop and cry and drool? Toddlers throw things and crawl under tables and cry when they fall (which I'm sure you do also)? I'm in shock right now! Thank you! Thank you for showing me the light!

It's a good thing you just APPEARED on this earth and were never a BABEEEEEEE yourself! You ass! Good heavens! You better be glad your mother didn't think the same thing of babies as you do.


Okay! Let's all just calm down.

The long and hilarious baby-hatin' comment has been deleted for breaking the fake email rule, so we can all move on with our lives.

I would have deleted it earlier, but you know, I was busy taking Noah to various five-star restaurants so he could poop in people's tuna tartare.

(No, actually I was having lunch at that same pizza restaurant, where Noah was just one of at least a dozen babies present. And when he started to cry, just a little bit? I LEFT. PROMPTLY. BECAUSE I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PARENTS THAT COMMENTER ASSUMED I WAS, SO LIKE, WAY TO GO WITH THE RIDICULOUS JUDGEMENT, ASSHOLE.)


If Cousin IT from the Addams Family had a baby with Dolly Parton...they could have produced THE HAIR THAT ATE MANHATTAN. Jay-sus! That's some big hair. How does ANYONE look in the mirror after seeing that horror and walk away saying confidently, "I look GOOD!" Anyone?


if your child is naturally inclined to let you sleep, embrace this fact and take pity on those mums who are not so lucky. you know the ones. their hair is dishevelled and they are usually wearing two different shoes while stumbling thru the diaper section at target.


Just found your blog and loving it. Noah is a looker, I tell ya! And the sleeping through the night, it is magic. Now that mine sleeps through the night, my new purpose in life is to watch Wheel of Fortune every night. Because, like, I CAN.


Noah is soooo cute! And such a good boy for sleeping through the night.

The big hair woman reminds me of Debbie Harry's character in "Hairspray". God only knows what could be hiding in there!


Goddammit, I missed the drama. All the computers are down at school and I MISSED THE GODDAM DRAMA!
Ummm...would somebody fill me in? Please?


Amalah--congrats on the gorgeous baby and the wonderful blog. You are officially bookmarked! I'm due in February, and I totally get that falling-in-love with a blob early in my pregnancy. Now it's a blob that pokes at my bladder at inopportune moments...


Well, he is cute so in that sense that loving him thing kinda makes sense.


Are you sure you weren't here in NC? I see that hair on a daily basis.

Yet Another Laura

As always Amalah, you handle with amazing grace, humor, wit and fantastic writing

But watch out bizzitches, 'cause we'll kick all y'alls asses if you be hatin' on our Amalah! So there! (Okay, yes, so totally not-black--I apologize for my horridly lame attempt)

Heather O'Douls

Hey, yet another laura, I will help you "throw down" on some "bizznatches" if they "be all getting up in amalah's grill, yo" and "frontin' like that."

because that is some triflin' shiznit, yo.



ooo. I missed the rugrat bru, but I do kinda want that crazy-ass hair. It'd be fun to wear to parties. And out to bars. You could so totally do a rad intallation piece with it, too. I might refer back to this page about a million times and send my hairdresser here.


I didn't read the comments, so may be repeating what someone else already said. But those pics were so dang cute that I must. Write Captions...

Pic 1-You people? Boring me.

Pic 2-You want to kiss me now, dontcha? (and yes, I do want to kiss his little cheekies.)

Pic 3- Baby version of giving someone the finger.

Pic 4- Crap! Only how many more shopping days until Christmas???

Noah is quite possibly the second cutest baby in the history of the world, coming in after my two, who of course hold the #1 spot for me.


It almost looks like she put Aqua Net on the rollers then took the rollers out and didn't brush the hair!

How funny about FEMA'S # being left by daddy! LOL Sounds like something my dh would do too although we've never had a night sitter yet and our oldest is 5!


I didn't know my mom was at the restaurant that night! She looks fantastic by the way. A trend-setter, and a non-conformist. And I do all her make-up, so compliments should go to me. :) Ha. Just kiddin'! Whoa Honey, that's what I would of told her. And backing up for the projectile, classy. She just screams class. Perhaps she knew if Noah were to vomit in her direction (smart baby!) that it would take her a year to find it in there to even clean it up!

Yet Another Laura

MUCH better Heather!

*golf claps*

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