Not Quite a Year in the Life of Amy's Camera Phone
Not So Much Boring As Brain-Numbing Tedium

Babies Are Boring

Or, more accurately, the parents of babies are boring.

Seriously, when this equals big-time photo-op excitement at your house...

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...you are boring. Congratulations.

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You can't really help being boring, because while babies are cute and all, they just don't DO very much. You spend your days wiping up spit-up and changing their clothes because poop shot out the leg holes of their diaper because they're right in between diaper sizes and can you believe he's wearing size two diapers now? But he's got skinny thighs so the leg holes kind of gap so yeah, he pooped on his outfit and maybe a little on the couch too and the next thing you know, you've just spent 10 minutes discussing the intricacies of disposable diaper leg holes with the cashier at the grocery store.

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Having a baby means that your big Friday night plans involved a small bowl of rice cereal and this was ridiculously exciting to you.

So exciting that you probably spent the rest of the weekend telling everyone you knew about this small bowl of rice cereal.

Being a parent means you KNOW nobody cares, but you tell them anyway.

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Having a baby means wall-to-wall plastic crap in primary colors.

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Being a parent means you have no qualms whatsoever about sticking your finger up another human being's nose.

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Being a parent means that sometime, someday, and no matter how strongly you swore you wouldn't, you will talk about yourself in the third person.

Probably in a really high-pitched voice, and you'll be doing something weird with your eyebrows too.

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Being a parent means you spend SUBSTANTIAL chunks of your time trying to arrange the verses of "The Wheels on the Bus" into a logically pleasing order.

Like, obviously you start with the wheels going round and round. And then I like to sing all the other verses about inanimate parts of the bus first, like the wipers (swish swish swish) and the blinkers (on and off? left and right? blink blink blink?) and then I end with the doors (open and close) because I think this is a nice segue to the verse about the bus driver,  because he's who you see when the doors open and close, and you move on back, move on back, move on back to where the other passengers are, starting with the children and then the babies and then the mommies saying don't you fuss, and isn't there a verse about the daddies on the bus? Or are we to assume that daddies don't ride the bus because daddy is off having a mid-life crisis in his Corvette?

There should also be a verse about the no-good teenagers listening to their damn iPods on the bus or the homeless man with too many plastic shopping bags screaming about Whitey on the bus, but I haven't been able to come up with the right lyrics yet.

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Being a parent means you are genetically unable to stop talking about how your three-and-a-half month old HELD HIS OWN BOTTLE, FOR LIKE, A MINUTE, or about how he found an old pacifier in his crib and mashed it into his mouth ALL BY HIMSELF, and these are the skills you are currently hanging your Ivy League hopes on and why does everybody look so bored?

Because you are a parent. And you are now boring.

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Which is why it's probably a good thing that I don't get out much anymore, and why I have no idea what to tell people who leave comments about missing the "old" Amalah, because yeah, I miss her too, but I ALREADY KILLED HER WITH THE BORING.

Although she did sort-of make a reappearance this weekend, during a baby-less five-block walk in Chinatown on Saturday night, during which we got kind of trapped in a crowd of honest-to-God MONSTER TRUCK RALLY attendees, including one of the largest, craziest and most balls-out mullets I have EVER seen, which totally required a double-take from me, which totally caused the little kitten heel of my shoe to get stuck in a sidewalk grate, and then I caused all sorts of sidewalk traffic while I yanked it out of the grate and everybody was staring at me thinking, "Um, maybe wear sneakers next time? Moron."

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Being a parent means there's only one person who finds you absolutely hilarious and fascinating.

Unfortunately, he also loves ugly plastic crap and farts.

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But he totally gets your excitement about the cereal, and that's all that matters.

Comments

Heather

You are not boring and neither is Noah. He is the most exciting thing. And one of the cutest. Sorry I have my own.

zebby

So cute - and not boring at all!

Diane

Georgeous pics!

And its perfectly ok to be completely wrapped up in your son! Enjoy!

Lisa

Sometimes boring is beautiful

Kate

I'll take boring any day.

Jamie

I think you should tell everyone that is complaining about missing the "old" Amalah to SUCK IT. Because you went through a lot of stress, worry, and work to have that child - and they can always choose not to read your site.

I'm imagining a poster of Noah, pointing at the camera with a serious look on his face (and maybe a jaunty red/white/blue hat) with the caption "Noahalah wants YOU to kiss his poopy ass."

That might take care of it.

ktbug

Boring???!!! No way. Delicious!

chocolocke

I love the pictures! This is my favorite post so far!

Amanda

Boring?

No way. People who say that probably don't have children, and just don't understand.

Noah is just adorable. Eating rice cereal already? Wow, he's growing up so quickly. I remember doing that, and I know I was more excited than anyone. LOOK! My baby can tolerate something besides milk! Just wait until he's older & more settled, then uses the food to throw at you, paint himself, etc. Oh the pictures will be even better!!

capello

There's nothing as satisfying as picking a really big booger out of another person's nose.

Anne Glamore

If you don't quit posting pix of cute baby toes, I'm giong to drag my husband back to the urologist so that he can undo his vasectomy.

I didn't say that out loud, did I?

My boys just have stinky feet with holey socks now. I miss baby toes.

Frema

Some people also think that the Sex and the City episodes on TBS aren't true enough to the original versions. Madness, I tell you, madness!

Jessie

I don't think you're boring at all, and even if you were, bribing us with cute Noah photos is sure to distract us long enough to ignore the boring.

If you want to see some awesome mullets, attend a Def Leppard concert. There was quite a collection of incredibly horrible hair at that concert.

FMS

Beautifully written and totally NOT boring. OHMYGOD - Noah is so cute. Really.

Arwen

Dimples are not boring, and your son has some of the best I've ever seen.

Just keep writing. We don't really care what you write about.

minnie

i can't believe he's 3 1/2 months already! wow!

Whimsy

I'm way more boring. After all, I don't even know what a kitten heel is...

Wacky Mommy

You're not boring, mama, and neither are the boys in your life. You know what's boring? Picking up strange men and STDs in bars. That's boring, and very 1976. Thanks for the pix, Wacky Boy and I loved them.

PaintingChef

Oh please...I think the New! and Improved! Amalah version Noahpointoh is way fun and enjoyable. Tell those losers to go and grow a mullet.

But seriously? No mullet picture? I am a little sad about that one. Mullet photography makes EVERYTHING better.

Kelly

Boring is the BEST.

Adorable baby and wonderful entry!

Kelly

PS Not that I think you are BORING but if what you described is indeed boring, then it is the BEST.

You rock!

andrea

I had a secret dress rehearsal for Henry's first bowl of rice cereal. DH was out of town and my excitement took over.

It's a major milestone and my gosh is he a cute baby.

Heather B.

You think you're boring??? People ask me what I did this weekend and I say "umm I slept and babysat" because honestly I did NOTHING else. And I am perfectly content with that.

Also I feel now would be an appropriate time to tell you that I spent about 20 minutes talking about your child to my mother. He's cute and smiles and he totally does hold his bottle, which thoroughly impressed me.

kentucky_kitty

"Kitten heels are in this year!"
(from that commercial) :)

Ninotchka

If you're boring then I'm boring because I totally loved this post. And Noah is an absolute genius. Eating cereal AND shoving a pacifier in his mouth? Oh yeah. ;)

Jenn

Look at it this way, it's your son, my husband and I are exactly like your post (minus the diapers) except the object of our affection is...a dog. 80 pounds of hair!

Rice cereal! Rock on, Noah!

I love that picture where he looks like he's pondering wall to wall plastic crap in primary colors.

amber

You're not boring at all! I love the pics of Noah, and I love remembering what it was like when my daughter was that age. All of the milestones (rice cereal!!) and the poop, and the cute toes!

Ida

You will never be the "old" Amalah again. She is gone, you didn't even kill her she has just moved on to something different. Noah is adorable and a totally good reason to take life a little slower and soak him in.

MelV

I LOVED the pondering picture! Thats a scientist in the making! I also had my own super fun experience with poopie out the legs holes today. And to double my pleasure there was no changing table in the bathroom because of course babies dont have major blow outs at home only in really crowded places. We moms are so lucky. :) Oh, and rice cereal is not boring, thats huge!! Good job Noah!

JustLinda

I think having a baby just opened you up to all new material. Hang onto it as long as you can, 'cause quite frankly it only goes down-hill from here... once you can no longer talk about boring baby stuff, you'll find yourself talking about, um, how your vision is fading, how you think you might be getting hot flashes and does that mean menopause is right around the corner?

Fortunately, no one blogs about alzheimers because, well, they can't remember any of the funny anecdotes that go along with it.

That's where I am... I'm currently at the vision-fading stage, moving into hot-flashes and looking forward to alzheimers. It's a veritable PARTY over at my blog.

Boring baby is exciting in comparison.... haha

Nicole P

Gah, I don't care if you post pictures of the wall, just update! I swear my refresh button was starting to give me dirty looks for my hopeful optimism every 5 minutes when checking your site for the trillionth time. Yes, trillionth.

Yay for sweet baby pictures!

quinn

And yet, even claiming to be dead from all the boring, you are still hilarious.

Erika

That man with all the shopping bags isn't homeless, he works with me! His name is Ron!! ;o)

Ali G

to put it in perspective...

when i was in high school, i worked at walgreens after school. during the summer i spent about 30hrs a week at THE. MOST. BORING. JOB. EVER. since i basically spent my life at the store, i had NOTHING else to talk about... and by the end of the summer, my friends threatened to stop talking to me altogether if i started one more sentence, "today, at walgreens..."

see? aren't you glad your talking points at least include an adorable baby? so much less pathetic... plus, i don't think my friends would have been mollified by pics of walgreens...

Bozoette Mary

I almost got stuck on the first photo -- because I think it is the most cutest photo ever in this whole wide world -- but managed to tear myself away and I just need to know if the poor kitten heel survived the grate.

Kirsten

YAY update :)

You are not boring. Not in the least. And if I have to go that long without the adorableness known as Noahpics again, I think I shall have a semi-nervous breakdown.

TOO DAMN CUTE.

You are lucky. I wish I had half of what you experience in a day *hugs*

Lisa Ann

my heart is melting. i heart noah!

Kirsten

YAY update :)

You are not boring. Not in the least. And if I have to go that long without the adorableness known as Noahpics again, I think I shall have a semi-nervous breakdown.

TOO DAMN CUTE.

You are lucky. I wish I had half of what you experience in a day *hugs*

Emily

Rice cereal.

RICE. CEREAL.
Two things that just TOTALLY DON'T GO TOGETHER.

I would feel similarly about food combinations like mustard and blueberries. Or hot dogs and hot fudge.

Although a face like that could make me change my mind.

baseballmom

He is so danged cute! I woulda loved a mullet pic. I saw a serious one the other day at Costco...the long part? Was down to the guy's butt, and the front was all perfectly gelled. Joe Dirt? We used to improvise on the daddies on the bus thing...they went read read read because daddies like to hide behind the newspaper when the babies on the bus are going wah wah wah.

kukorakin

I never knew or I should say read the "old" Amalah. I like your new "boring" just fine and the "boring" is why I continue to read.

blackbird

I really only have two things to say.

1. At least he has pants on in the pictures.

2. If you happen to post pictures of his poop? I'm out.

kalisah

he sure is starting to look like his daddy.

kathy

Hey, don't forget in the bus song about the bus driver who smells like pot!

On the other hand maybe you should forget about it. Maybe sing about the baby who smells like poop instead.

lindsay

solid foods is so much fun... wait until he starts to feed himself - hilarious!!

earlyduckie

Amy...

As the mother of a 7 week old I undersyand the feeling of being boring to everyone except your child... if it makes you feel any better I think you're very interesting, and funny... now i've got to go take care of mt screaming son!

Beth

Sabrina

Very cute pics and you can tell he's growing up! It's ok to be boring. I've been boring now for 6 years!

junkie

Probably in my op 5 of Amalah posts EVER. Of course, it totally helps to have some of the cutest pictures EVER incorporated into it.

Whitney

I'm totally boring too and she's only a month and a half old so I can only imagine that it'll get worse.

And thank God for the kitten heels because I am a ginormous 5'10" and I hate it.

scoutsadie

Dear Amy,

Normally I heart you and your site very much. But since you got that damn bus song stuck in my head, not so much today.

That is all.

Nicole P

Oh, and once he's on varied baby food, the song choices expand as well. My very creative mother came up with songs such as "The Sweet Potato Poopie Blues." I'd love to be horribly embarrassed by this but you gotta give the lady props for creativity, right? Apparently sleep deprivation brings out sides of yourself you didn't know were ever in there.

scoutsadie

P.S. I do think there needs to be a verse to the song about the bus bullying its way into another driver's lane just because it can. I am hating that a lot recently, especially at the intersection of 8th St. and Mass Ave. NE and whatever that other stupid weird little street is that intersects the other two.

That is all.

Heather

Love the baby pics - never boring.

And in the version I know, its 'the daddy's on the bus say don't do that! don't do that!, don't do that!' WTF?

Ashlie

Priorities change sooo much once you have chillen!

p.s. Everyone's version of boring is different. I'd pay money that the "New Amalah" haters don't have kids. Bah.

MandaCakes

Baby is adorable, and I would say you are not boring except for the fact that I am still trying to forgive you for getting "The Wheels on the Bus" STUCK IN MY HEAD!
*whimper*

Kelsey

Oh my gosh, Picture #6 is the BEST! (I had to go back and count, but it's the one where Noah shmushed his cheek with his hand.) Soooo cute. Whatever, I've read the archives. There's no boring, pre or post Noah.

Lizz Sisson

I've got honest to goodness kids now (3 and 7) and I still talk about them all the time. I actually find myself talking about them and thinking that I really need to stop talking about them but just can't seem to stop.
It's a sickness, the upside is that when your kidless friends (you know the ones you bored to death with baby antics)start having kids, they will see that it is not possiable to have a conversation without talking about thier kids...Thats when it's all worth it.

emma

Beautifully written, words a every mother understands!

maggie

I can't wait to be boring.

Lisa B

Yup. That sums it up what being a parent is about. We were out with a couple this weekend that don't have kids and never want to have them. And we tried to not talk about our little man but it is hard. I saw the blank, bored stare a few times when we spoke of the child for more than 10 seconds. ANd honestly, I understand that. I would have had the same reaction if I were them. :-) Probably our last "date" with them.

Lisa

You really have to stop posting pictures of your incredibly adorable son becuase you are making me have thoughts like this:

"omg, heissocuteandwouldntitbeniceto
haveacutelittlebabyagain"

and then I realize what I am thinking and remember I DONT WANT ANY MORE BABIES BUT MY GOD IS HE CUTE!!!!

Lauren

Did Ceiba try to eat said rice cereal? My sister's cat loves her boy's rice cereal. Not so much on the oatmeal though, yuck

sar

that sixth picture of noah = he is SO BORED. http://www.amalah.com/amalah/images/img_2314.jpg i love it.

hg

I used to love your blog but I think you've grown and changed and now I don't read it as often. Frankly, I'm still a single person with no kids and I just can't relate to you anymore. I think you posted this to get some validation that you aren't boring. Your old readers may think you are but you'll probably get new readers that will enjoy this change so don't worry about what other people say. It looks like you have a different set of fans now.

zorgon

"Noahalah wants YOU to kiss his poopy ass."

Hah. Nice one, Jamie. I heartily concur.

Plus I know lots of single or otherwise unkidded people who love this blog. Those others are just poopyheads.

Dawn2

amalah + babalah= not boring

Now, instead of calling the Fashion Police, we call CPS. Which is equally hilarious, just in a different way.

cate

God, that first picture (and all of the rest) made me want a baby to snuggle with so bad. Sigh, and I don't even have any pets to dress up...

KriKri

I admit, I kind of sped up the scrolling in hopeful anticipation of a camera phone mullet picture. . . .

Noah is lucky to have parents that are excited over the little things!

Marie

In the version I've heard it's "The mommies on the bus say 'I love you'(3x),the daddies on the bus say 'love you,too'". Just FYI. And now I'll be singing this for the rest of the night...

Cari

Damn, Amy, that is one cute kid!

Sarcastic Journalist

Wait tell he says his first "poop" or "fart" or "peepee."

Your heart will just melt.

bethgirl

in my youth, the daddies went "read read read" but the mommies went "shh shh shh"

you can see who is doing the comforting, and who is just plain ignoring the babies. hooray for traditional gender roles, or something.

i personally read your blog because:
a) you are funny
b) you are giving me a small glimpse inside life with a baby, and maybe it will prepare me to have one of my own someday soon. you are educational!

Pomme Granite

Great post and Noah looks quite edible.

Gillian

Hey! Why must people assume that all child-less people are bitter, hate children and are only interested in going out and getting laid?

I'm kind of offended by a few of those comments above which suggest just that. I'm childless by choice for reasons that are really none of anyones business - but just because I don't think it's a good idea that I have children doesn't mean I don't want to hear how cute they are and how much poop they produce!!

I'm digging the 'new' Amalah, Noah is sooo cute that I could just eat him and I think that anyone who is complaining that they're not happy with 'Mummy' writing should just move quietly on to other blogs and leave the rest of us to make silly noises of those thighs..and those chubby little arms...that cute little grin...etc.

Ignore 'em I say. You write what you know..and at the moment you know rice cereal and how big the leg holes on diapers are. And all power to you!!

But please don't think that just because someone has made the decision not to have children they are bitter about people who have them, or that they hate kids, or that they made their decision based on the fact that they didn't want baby sick on their Armani suits. We're not all horrible kid hating shrews, I can assure you!

S. Faolan Wolf

I've read my fair share of boring mommy blogs and I've endured my fair share of boring baby stories...but when I think of Amalah.com, I do not think boring. I think, "Damn! She didn't post today!" Or I think, "Cool! New post! And cute baby pics! YAY!"

But who cares what we think...it's your babalah who matters.

Lori

Amy, you and all your new-mom readers MUST TRACK DOWN THE 33 RPM RECORD OF HAP PALMER'S BABYSONGS. You want food songs? You want diaper songs? Blankie songs? You want a lullaby that will burn itself into your brain for sixteen years?
Hap ROCKS .
And I LOVE Noah contemplating the universe.

Isabel

I don't miss the "old Amalah"...because this is who you are. And to know you is to love you.

Or something like that.

Which means I love pictures of Noah and stories about rice cereal.

flipped switch

And why? are you feeding a 3.5 month old baby rice cereal?

Tanya

what happened to Noah in the past week. He is looking all growed up :)

Amalah

Um. Because he's almost 16 weeks old, over 15 pounds, sitting up supported, hungry all the time and completely ready for the occasional tablespoon of ultra-liquidy rice cereal made with breastmilk?

But no! Let's instead get strident over the four-month marker, which is a general guideline, and say that it completely and 100% overrules a mother's instinct over WHEN HER BABY NEEDS FOOD.

Sigh. Hassling a mother over starting cereal two whole weeks early? That's some damn good asshole right there.

Big Gay Sam

That is one healthy happy baby.

I love those monkey toes.

Now I'm going to have go on a cheek pinching rampage. Save yourselves!!

Wacky Mommy

re: rice cereal debate. Big babies need to eat big food, dammit. This wasn't some little bitty chicken baby. Both my kids were, like, eyeing my food longingly, and totally inhaled their rice cereal and bananas. Which I gave them at 3 1/2 months. Also, you know why I (heart) Noah? He's always so well-behaved. I mean, look at the little tyke.

also? teething already. I betcha 5 bucks. He is gnawing on those fingers.

Amalah

Wacky Mommy, you just won yourself five bucks. The prodigy child is so totally teething already. The drooling! The gnawing! The ear rubbing and general turdiness!

I haven't written about it because I am trying to pretend it's not really happening, but one of these days I'm going to stick my finger in that little mouth and not get it back.

RockStar Mommy

I KNEW that I wasn't going to get to the bottom of the comments without reading someone being all judgemental on the rice cereal front.

My kid is just 2 weeks older than yours and has been on rice cereal for just under 2 weeks now and I've heard it from a few people. But considering that I was given the okay by his pediatrician and she has the MD and they don't, they can all bite me.

I find the evolved Amalah more entertaining than before, but that's probably because I'm a boring mom and I'm not really helping here. I have the same issues with myself, being boring and all, especially compared to life pre-baby, but we can't all just stay the same forever, right? Then we're like that 23 year old dude that always used to come back and hang out at high school with all the seniors and thought he was cool.

amber

noah is precious, and i love the blog...the way it "was" and the way it is.

wordgirl

The old Amalah is still here...just NEW AND IMPROVED WITH NOAH-IZING!

mirabel

I *love* the picture of his feet. So not boring.

Kira

Bah. As much as I enjoyed the "old" Amalah entries, I don't miss...um..her (like what, you're NOT her? I'm feeling all existential and confused now). You're not boring at all. Although I may be saying that because, after three kids, I may be the most boring person on the planet. *shrug*
btw, your son is gorgeous. Lovely.
And I'm happy to see you haven't gotten TOO MUCH grief on the rice cereal. I'm allll for the "mother's intuition" form of decision making, but I winced when I saw you ADMIT to the INTERNETS that you'd given your baby rice cereal. In some circles that's considered child abuse, you know.
("Some circles" need to get out more, is all's I'm saying.)

Jem

Not boring! Am not allowed baby as only 21! More please!

jomama

This post described me to a tee. So am I really boring too? Should I not have mass emailed that picture of my 3 month old kissing his glow worm? Looking at that picture every chance I got was the highlight of my day yesterday; I refuse to believe it wasn't everyone else's.

DeannaBanana

Hiya Amy! I am delurking today, in support of the rice cereal when you deem it appropriate. What I find kinda funny and ironic though, is that someone jumped on your for the rice part of the cereal when in fact that is a clean, crisp photo of a bowl of your breast milk! Bahahaha...how funny is that?

Say something about my sense of humor, perhaps? Tell them to go piss up a rope, they have rice-cereal-baby-goodness envy!

Your site is hilariously funny, a pleasure to read and one of my favorite moments in the day. Please, oh please, Queen of everything, try and update a little more often if at all possible? The Noah withdrawls are DREADFUL!!

Keep on keeping on, Amalah, this site is anything BUT boring.

Okay, back to lurking....

Ivie

Love the pics of Noah - especially the one where he is sitting in his exersaucer (is that how you spell it?) thinking. He has the greatest thinking faces!

Just wanted to share my support for the rice cereal. My babies weren't quite as big as Noah, but they were big enough, and I started both of them on rice cereal at about 3 1/2 months. I'm pretty sure they both started step 1 baby food between 4 and 5 months. Even then, our son was still wanting a gazillion bottles of formula, so we actually had to dilute his bottles (per the doc's orders)!

Some people need to remember that not all babies are alike and that 4 months (or whatever) is just a guideline. If Noah isn't ready, he'll let you know. :)

Laura

but ya know what? you're cherishing every minute of it.

Pam

Damn, you are the greatest mom EVER just for taking all these pictures! I never took many pictures of my baby, because I always figured I could take some "tomorrow". Ha! Tomorrow has come, and now she's 10, and not nearly as cute and doesn't stay in one place for longer than 5 seconds.

Rock on, Picture-Taking-Mama.

(But you missed your chance to submit an entry to http://www.mulletsgalore.com/)

Laura

You are SO not boring. You are just exciting in a different way to different people. It's not a bad thing at all.

Besides with Noah being so cute, why would you want to hang out with anyone else?

Dorothy

Wait until Noah starts talking to you and going on playdates with other people's kids. You'll rediscover your inner sarcasm. Trust me on this one.

And I so totally understand the excitement of the wee solid foods. Only, guess what? They're only partially solid. I always thought baby food was solid, until I learned around eight months that by solid they really mean totally, COMPLETELY solid, like, say, a Cheerio. Did youknow that? I did not know that. So wait until he eats a Cheerio. So many exciting things.

Silly Hily

I don't know why the "daddy is off having a mid-life crisis in his Corvette" made me laugh so hard, but it did.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, I? think you are fabulous!

crazy rockin' foxy mama

SO didn't think there was anyone else who paid as much attention to the correct order of the Bus Song. Although you did forget the windows going up and down, the brakes going squeak squeak squeak, etc...

This is the ONLY song that calms my 9 month old down when he's getting his nebulizer treatment, so you find as many variations as you can -- I'll definitely have to add the iPod-clad teenagers and crazy homless guy to my repertoire.

mmc

Why can't people just enjoy the lovely pictures of the adorable child, and your fabulous way withthe story and leave it at that? *sigh*
He's fantastic, and you're not boring...just different. Different is good.

andi

He looks so smart!

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