The Vomitorium Tour
Babies Are Boring

Not Quite a Year in the Life of Amy's Camera Phone

I made an extremely important discovery a few weeks ago.

I discovered how to get the photos I take with my camera phone OFF OF MY DAMN CAMERA PHONE.

Yes. I am not very bright.

I got the phone sometime last summer, and whee! Snappy! I figured out how to take pictures and store pictures and picturespicturespictures, but I could not ever get them off the phone. Emails timed out, text messages vanished, the USB cable taunted me and we are not even going to talk about that stupid Bluetooth bullshit.

To this day, I'm still not really sure what I was doing wrong or what I'm doing differently now, although I sort of suspect that I can only email a picture to myself if I shake the phone vigorously during the transmission process.

But the wait was WORTH IT, because now I have many MONTHS' worth of blurry, low-res camera phone images, ordered and captioned for your pleasure.

You can thank me anytime for my tenacity.


Here I present what may be the creepiest photo ever taken of my dog.

She glows with the white-hot light of hell, for you are kind of confusing her.  And me, because how can a four-pound dog look so much like a horse?



Yes. That is a dog in a rain slicker. Shut up. I really, REALLY needed this baby, people. All of Ceiba's little jackets and sweaters were actually cries for help.



Luckily, a certain someone in a striped polo shirt HAD knocked me up, and good.

I think, when I snapped this picture, I said something about the baby probably being the same size as Ceiba at this point.

I think I was wrong. I think was deeply in denial about the size of my baby, but that's what you do when you really think you're going to be pushing said baby out your crotch.

My baby will be seven pounds! Only freaks have 10-pound babies! And I am not a freak!


Except that I am, in fact, a freak.


A translucent, lumpy freak.

Also, I had that bruise on my knee for almost my entire pregnancy, because pregnancy rendered me ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE of closing this one desk drawer in my office, even though I hit my fucking knee on that fucking drawer every fucking time I stood up to use the fucking bathroom, and I had to use the fucking bathroom all the fucking time.


The fucking knee and the fucking drawer today, in a reluctant stand-off.


These are the feet of a very pregnant woman. A woman who is still a good four weeks from giving birth.

You can close your eyes, but that will not stop the burning.


Max. Just cuz.


This is a picture of a big creepy hole in a ceiling.

But not just ANY ceiling! This is a picture of a ceiling in a public restroom, at a CARWASH where I actually PEED, taken a mere five days before Noah was born, in an attempt to document JUST HOW LOW PREGNANCY WILL BEAT YOU DOWN.


Anyway, then this whole other thing happened.


That's right. I got BANGS.

Oh, you thought I was talking about that baby thing?


Yeah, he pretty much rocks too.



Amy's Phone thinks, "Well, now that she has that baby, at least she's not taking pictures of damn FEET anymore."


Ha! But I am! Take THAT, Stupid Phone!



The bangs are super cute, love 'em!


The bangs look awesome on you! And your hair in that picture with the bangs looked great!


wow i am like, second to post!


wow i am one of the first to post! amazing


and wow, I am a fucking idiot that keeps messing this up. can't you tell I was just recently a lurker?


You got BANGS? I can't believe this is the first I'm hearing of this.


cute bangs.

Bozoette Mary

Baby feet! Beautiful!


I *so* have that Ikea coffee table (Leksvik, I believe) and baskets for three of the cubbies (not the same ones you have, though). The table is far too big for my living room (a good fifth of which is taken up by a woodstove that I've never used, but that's another story) but it is probably my favorite piece of furniture.


The bangs look fab. Actually, your hair looks really great. It's all flowy and wavy. A+


So you'll let us know if you figure out how four-pound Ceiba can look so much like a horse, right? RIGHT?

Man, that's freaky.


First time I've gotten here before there were 70 brazillion comments, so might as well use it as an opportunity to come out of lurkdom - keep the baby pictures comin'!

Oh - and cute bangs! :o)

Nothing But Bonfires

Yeah, my camera phone is still in the stage where it's letting me down and filling me with rage and disappointment. I got one because I thought it would be so great, like I would be in TJ Maxx and find a nice stripey cushion and be able to take a picture of the nice stripey cushion and send it to my boyfriend and say "hey, can you check? is the red in this the same as the red in the border of the sisal rug?" and he would answer accordingly, and I would buy (or not buy) the cushion accordingly. But I can't do that! So I have to take a picture and then take my phone home and then HOLD THE PHONE UP TO THE RUG to check if the cushion in the photo matches and then go back to the store if it does. Which, you know, eh......I could have just taken a picture with a digital camera if I'd wanted to do that. Hooray for technology and everything. However YOU have managed to make it work. Maybe I could send YOU pictures of stripey cushions from TJ Maxx. Maybe they would even go with your rug.


Sorry bout that hole in the ceiling, we'll get it fixed right away. Didn't think it'd wind up on the freakin' INTERNET.

Oh, and cute dog/horse thing (dorse)


How d'you get your hair all wavy like that?

Real Girl

Yeah, de-lurking day is REALLY not for me. I lurk like Michael Jackson sunbathes.

Many thoughts are provoked by quite surprisingly good camera phone pictures! (May we ask what kind of phone it is? Just in case we're, say, thinking of getting a camera phone?)

Max looks gorgeous, Ceiba is so clearly adorable and needing of love at every second of the day! Your pregnant feet? Were more swollen than I thought when you were talking about how swollen they were. They were, indeed, swelled.

The baby feet though? Scrumptious. He is a cutie for sure!

(OK, also? That pic of you looking pensive on the couch with the blanket in your lap? Totally took me a minute to realize the burgundy bump was NOT in any way a pillow.)


I think we need more info about how you feel about your bangs (which are super cute, by the way). I am contemplating asking for some the next time I go in, but growing them out if I hate them? bleh. Been there, done that.


I know this has been asked about a bamillion times but seriously, I do not think I believe you truly do have fine limp hair. Every time I see you in a picture it is looking luscious and wavy and delicious while mine hangs back boorishly and sneers at me when I try to have it do anything but remain hanging in a downward direction from the top of my scalp. Blergh!

Anyway, obligatory baby is precious comment here. Because, you know, he is.


What's better than a cross-eyed cat, looking like the Lord Of All He Surveys?
Not much, I'll tell you that.

Big Gay Sam

Monkey Toes!!!! :P

Silly Hily

WTF!? Bangs!!!!! Did I miss something? Is this really the first time you have told the internet about bangs? Oh, that makes me want to cut me some b/c WOW they look great!


I just wet my pants...and I'm not pregnant anymore. (Laughing, just for clarification.)


Max looks cross eyed. Is he? He's awfully cute. As I'm waiting for my baby to come (14 more weeks), I'm obsessed with cats and want more.

I don't like the feet thing. Mine still look normal, but I know that will change soon enough. I'm trying to live in denial, but your picture didn't help me.


it's nice to see you got bangs recently too. i did too, but it was only because i agreed to be a HAIR MODEL (i know. but it was at a fancy parisian salon and they would cut my hair for free and i can't really afford good haircuts here otherwise). despite saying they would let me choose the cut and then just fix it in whatever experimental thing was in fashion after the serious, permanent stuff had been done, no, oh no, they *spontaneously* decided to give me bangs. also, they performed the entire cut -- even the layering or feathering or whatever it's called of the edges -- with an ELECTRIC RAZOR. i was so traumatized. it makes it no better that everyone likes my bangs, particularly my family, which has decided to unanimously inform me that the bangs are Good. even i think they are kind of cute, but i don't admit that. am liking yours too.


Super bangs, scary feet.


You do realize, do you not, that your bangs will spur a whole new hair revolution, not unlike "The Rachel" did all those years ago. Bangs are *so* you! And the waves are super cute. Love it. Oh, Max? Honey, uncross your eyes or they'll get stuck like that.


I'm a little frightened of cell phones. I can only make calls and change the ringer on mine. No address book, no video games, and sure as hell no pictures. But it doesn't take pictures to begin with, so there you go.


Love the bangs and baby feet. Also, Ceiba frightens me in that first picture. Possibly more than the hole in the ceiling.


Love the bangs! Love the cross-eyed Kitty Max! Love the Ceiba! Most of all, love those baby feet! *nibble nibble nibble* Delicious!


I love my cameraphone, but I'm like you. Scared of the USB cord and all of the scariness that comes with it.


At least your camera phone takes pictures in which you can recognize the victims. Mine? That would be a stretch. It's more like 'oh, look, there's a vaguely humanoid form with a light halo around it, all vaguely tinted green.'

Damned technology.

Oh, and it's a genetic imperative that one love baby toes. Cuteness at a cellular level.


Aaaarrrggghhh!! Must turn awaaaay!! Too much cuteness and I cannot handle the cuteness!!!

Okay.. turns out I can.. and just to throw my 2 cents in with everyone else's (this, my sweet, is how you get rich.. 2 cents at a time) the bangs look great!


Not the first to comment on your bangs but wanted to add to the host of compliments. You look faboo! Whenever I attempt to revisit bangdom, I end up looking like a fourth grader who got into her mother's sewing scissors.


You look GREAT in bangs!


Tenacious! Now I have to go back to see if Max is crosseyed...


THE FEET! Look so painful.

Kate The Great

Aww! Cute pictures =D I especially love the baby toes. Makes me really want a baby...or three (Hopefully not all once =)


No celebrity sightings via the phone? I was hoping for at least one candid snap of Justice Scalia. Damn.

Dr. Johnny Fever

You know what's funny? I had a bear claw at the donut shop this morning and it looked exactly like your right foot in that picture.


Sorry I missed the comment fun yesterday.

LOVE your bangs! :)


Aw. That was an excellent wrap up! And the cuteness abounds. :)

Amanda Cowan

I did not KNOW you could use a USB cord with a phone.. and now as I inspect it..I see there is, indeed, a plug for one. Amazing. Also, I'm in the 10-lb-baby-club too.. It's kind of echo-y and empty in here..all I ever meet are "Hi, My name is Tiffany and this is Brittney, she weighed 6lbs, 5oz at birth" kind of moms..(the ones who are a size 2 a mere 3 months after giving birth to their perfectly "50th percentile" babies. While I'm still struggling at 8 mos pp to get rid of the last 5 lbs and my baby is still off the charts. But enough about me...lets see some more about the adorable Noah! So cute! Makes me dearly hope that I have a boy the next time around..


I love, love love, my camera phone.

I whip that sucker out (ok, that just sounds dirty. Am I right? Is it just me?) at every opportunity.

Of course, the pictures suck pickles (Ok, now, THAT was dirty. No doubt about it.) but it doesn't matter. It's not about quality, baby. It's all about the quantity.


hey, props on figuring out the phone-to-computer thing. ;)

p.s. bangs look cute! but i know what i'm sure you know now. every time i think "I SHALL NEVER GET BANGS AGAIN! I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON!", and i grow them all out, someone somewhere looks all cute in them and makes me say "um, yeah, bute these are CUTE! i must get some!" and the cycle just repeats itself.

...i am post-bang cut now. i like it. but then, i might change my mind next week.


Sister, you do not know what swollen feet look like! When I was induced with my daughter, they gave me so much IV fluids that I could not even fit into size 10 giant slippers ( I wear size 8 usually) 2 days after giving birth. I had to walk to the car in socks. My feet were scary. Took 1 week for the swelling to go down.

And on 10 lbs babies, hey at least you knew 1/3 of your weight gain was the baby. I gained 30 lbs as well, and gave birth to a tiny 6.5 lbs baby and it took 15 months for the last 10 lbs to come off. That, despite nursing, for 15 months.


I also had a ten pound baby and I also might be a freak, maybe. But I am pretty Amazonian and you're so wee, so really, there's not a comparison.

That dog is adorable.


why is it that even with all those cute baby and animal photos we are all so into the bangs?! they look SO good! are they new?


delurking to say I love your site, and regularly pop in to see what is new with you and yours. Keep up the great work. (Can you tell I am a teacher?)

RockStar Mommy

I remember those feet. I had those feet.

Noah takes such great pictures (No shit, Sherlock)

Irony Queen

Luckily my camera phone does the e-mail-this-picture-to-me-please thing pretty well. But now I must figure out how to please the digital camera gods...

Also, if anyone doesn't have enough ways in which to waste their day, come visit me! I'm fun!
(But--fair warning--there are no baby pics.)


So jealous of your hair! I, of course, was an idiot and got my hair all butchered while pregnant and am paying the price now. Damn me and my need for something "short and sassy". I can't even distract people from the leftover baby weight with magnificent hair. *Sigh...


Just found you via Snarkywood, which I found via... Uh, I don't know.

Anyway, just writing to say that picture of your baby's foot? Is so cute.


More Max photos!

Erin O'Brien

I own a cellular phone as well as a digital camera, both of which are hopelessly out of date. I am barely capable of operating either one (having dropped the camera, the lens is now affixed with a rubber band). If both functions were housed in one device, I would be reduced to photographing when I meant to converse and vice versa.

Regarding those feet, I do indeed remember those days and surely do not miss them.


Baby feet = precious
Pregnant feet = eeew

I still can't figure out how to unload the pictures from my camera phone. I've given up on the whole deal.


Are you wearing the blanket as a hood? Because that is a use I had just never considered!

Also, my knee and file cabinet drawer are currently having a similar battle. I keep hoping my knee will win, but it doesn't look good.


Hillarious! Love the first picture of Ceiba and the fiery white light. Hillarious. Also, Max looks kind of cross-eyed in his picture, but in a totally adorable way. I do not yet have a camera phone, and just bought my first digital camera (yes I lived in, like, the stone age for a long time), so I am sort of jealous of your picture taking abilities. And your sense of humor. Thanks for the laugh!


Holy crap, Noah pictures are the new crack. Damn, that kid is cute. Lucky Noah, lucky Amy.

Oh, and the bangs. Also cute.


If it makes you feel better, I still don't know how to take the pictures off my camera. Oh well.


Oh gosh, I have no idea how to send pictures from my phone to computer. So after a while I delete them. :( Guess I ain't too bright!

In any case, love the bangs and the baby. :)

Jackie Joy

I love the bangs. LOVE THEM.

Thanks a whooooooole lot for passing your stomach issues my way. My husband and I REALLY appreciate it. Damn DC blogger, passing your stuff north.


Hahaha, the creepy dog picture was the best! Love the raincoat too.


God I wish I could wear bangs [pout]. You look so cute. And I lurve the baby toes :)


I LOVE your bangs! I just got bangs too, but I have to say, yours look 100 times better than mine! You must let me know how you style yours!


Love your Max photo. Have you considered submitting his photo to It's one of my favorite sites. I submitted my cat, Sally, and when she was selected (about 9 months after I sent the picture), and I about peed myself in excitement.


Ok- I was ready the comments from the de-lurking post (cause I'm a dork and I like to read that stuff...) & then that girl wrote that note, in that backhanded fashion that drives me nuts. Just because she is saving money doesn't mean YOU have to save money they same way. I personally have some coach bags and diamonds that I totally can't afford-- but I also enjoy tuna for lunch every effin day to compensate. I have had people say the same things to me. I don't give them the good wine when they come over.

I'm not sure if you got mad about the comment- but so you know- I got mad for ya. Your baby is adorable and you keep up the good stuff!


"She glows with the white-hot light of hell..."

I should know better than to take a sip of coffee when I am reading one of your posts.

Coffee Nose. I need one of those nose-bulby things now. Would it work on my keyboard, too?

My daughter had bangs when she was little. Cut them off to her scalp when she was five. I asked her why she cut them off and she said she wanted to get rid of them.

Life is harsh that way, sometimes.

You make my day, so many days. Thanks.


I still can't figure out how the get the pictures out of my phone! Totally love the baby feet!!!!!


So, due to my being blog retarded, I have just now figured out how to comment. Or maybe I commented once before and I just don't remember. O_o At any rate, am delurking and saying Hi! And you have the cutest little squishy ever! Well, next to mine, who hasn't been squishy for a few years now. Yeah... Anyway, Hi!

*wanders off feeling like I may have been creepy*


Another member of the 10 pound baby club. I thought my first son being 10 pounds was a fluke, a freak accident because I didn't have a full time job and so could spend my time eating like that was my job.

Five years later I gave birth to ANOTHER 10 pounder, another two foot long baby. Apparently all we can create are giants. Oh, and i gained 60 pounds with each baby, so don't be whining about no 30 pound weight gain, nobody.


Hi Amy! Delurking a day late! I refresh your page all day at work... waiting... but not in a creepy way i promise! you are so funny and brighten up my day everytime! Also I was reading your comments from the last post, and SUPRISE! my friend Vicki reads your site! I didnt know that! Completely random and awesome. behold the power of the internet! So.. now I will go back into hiding...

ps: youre awesome.


Wow, your pets look possessed in the eye of the camera phone. Really freaky. But Noah? He looks precious as always!

Oh, and I'm a little late on this, but I'm a long-time lurker & ocassional commenter. I have to admit that I miss the pre-baby Amalah -- I need more frivolty! And tours of your medicine cabinet. Maybe it's just jealously b/c I don't have a babalah yet. Anyway, love your blog!


De-lurking a day late as well! I'm a fellow DC girl and I LOVE your blog - definitely one of my daily must-reads. Hope you are feeling better and that Noah is TOO precious! And p.s. i think i totally saw you and Jason once in the Whole Foods in Glover Park, but I am not positive :) Happy Friday!


After sending you an advice smackdown question about growing out my bangs (which I did) and getting a body wave (which I didn't) I cut back bangs in November. I am already considering growing them out. I can't stay away from bangs though. I like yours a lot. Mine won't do that.


Love the pic of Ceiba resting on your pregnant tummy! Awww...


Love the pictures! The one of your pg feet takes me back about 4 years. Oh how my feet got swollen & hurt!!

Anyway, the cat is really cracking me up. Plus the rain coat for the dog. Though I do love the pics of Cieba cuddled against your pg stomach. Our chihuahua did that when I was pg, I don't know what the fascination is for those small dogs. Maybe they can hear the little one in there? I don't know.

Anyway, you look great!! Thanks for yet another round of laughter.


The picture and captions for ceiba are still making me laugh! Man that's good stuff!

Lisa Ann

You can take pictures with your phone? Where do you put the film in?

Another Amy

I heard this was a good week to delurk and stuff, so hi - I'm another Amy 20-something in the DC-ish area. I found your site while wasting time at work by doing one of those silly Myspace/e-mail things where you google "Your name is" and repost the wacky(!) results. One of the results that popped up was "Amy is stupid sometimes" and I thought, "Yeah, that sounds about right," and it lead to your site. And here we are.

Love your blog. Funny stuff.


See, yes, I agree. The dog sweaters and coats are a cry for help. Because I do it too, but you know what? I don't care, my dog looks CUTE.

Mama C-ta

Love the bangs, love the creepy dog photo and love the pics of the boy. He's so fuh-reek-ing cute!!

I still can't believe your son was almost 10 pounds you did not look like you were carrying a baby that big!!


One week after delivering my 8lb 13oz baby girl, my feet looked like Martin Lawrence in Big Momma's House. Just my feet. Rest of my body was normal. How's that for a freakshow?




How did you get your pictures off your phone? I was told that it can only be accomplished with a cable (that I do not currently own). Is this just my annoying phone or is everyone's like this?


Max is a little cross-eyed, isn't he? Or have I asked you that before?

And LOVE the bangs. You must keep the bangs.


You look so pretty with bangs! And hey, I had 3 babies over 8lbs! (two were 8.5 and one was 8.8) Does this make me a freak? LOL. Oh, and I love baby feet. :) I hope you made the time to make little painted footprints on paper. ;)


I have a bazillion cat photos in my phone--fuzzy cat pics rule! Ceiba is so cute, I love teeny dogs. Does nobody else see a mustach in her 'glowing with white hot hell' photo?! Love the Noah foot and bless the once-preggy foot. LOVE the laughs you create. :)


De-lurking to tell you how much I have enjoyed reading your blog. I am a Labor and Delivery nurse, so all this talking about vomit, breast milk is part of my norm. Thanks for making it humorous (at least for your readers)!


I did it! I finally read all of your archives. Am victorious! Also sad, because now what do I do when I want to be amused on demand by the internet?


LOVE the bangs! The babe is SO cute :)


I read the delurking thing. I'm a 19 year-old who has a list of favorite blogs on my bookmarks. Yours is one of them, and so I'm just commenting to say you amuse me and I really enjoy reading your writing. :)

Heather B.

The feet picture freaked me out. I wear a size 11 and I already have a hard time finding shoes, what am I going to do if I get pregnant???


I actually just realized that you have another Dawn who comments frequently, so to avoid confusion I will now go by Dawn2.


Love the bangs! Love the baby! And I totally feel you on the pregnant feet. Mine were so bad at the end that my toes wouldnt touch the floor and all I could wear were flip flops, even to work. Hideous!!


I had two 10-pound babies 22 months apart. I'm doing my best to forget what my feet were like. And the ankles. Puffy.

Thanks for the cute photos.


I did not get to delurk on the official day, but felt the need, so here goes my first comment.

Noah is absolutely delicious, and reading about all your adventures has made me nolstagic for those baby moments. Even the bad ones! That turtle face makes it too tempting.


I am officially De-lurking. I got bangs this year too. They have caused me much trauma and some delight. Also, just wanted to let you know that I adore you and your baby turtle!


Quite apart from anything else, the bangs? they are goooood. The only thing more cute than you, is your son. And Jason's third on the list! (so he doesn't sulk).


I liked the bangs...


In a weird way, these grainy camera phone pics have more intimacy to them than one taken by a good camera.

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