The Vomitorium Tour
Babies Are Boring

Not Quite a Year in the Life of Amy's Camera Phone

I made an extremely important discovery a few weeks ago.

I discovered how to get the photos I take with my camera phone OFF OF MY DAMN CAMERA PHONE.

Yes. I am not very bright.

I got the phone sometime last summer, and whee! Snappy! I figured out how to take pictures and store pictures and picturespicturespictures, but I could not ever get them off the phone. Emails timed out, text messages vanished, the USB cable taunted me and we are not even going to talk about that stupid Bluetooth bullshit.

To this day, I'm still not really sure what I was doing wrong or what I'm doing differently now, although I sort of suspect that I can only email a picture to myself if I shake the phone vigorously during the transmission process.

But the wait was WORTH IT, because now I have many MONTHS' worth of blurry, low-res camera phone images, ordered and captioned for your pleasure.

You can thank me anytime for my tenacity.

Glowy

Here I present what may be the creepiest photo ever taken of my dog.

She glows with the white-hot light of hell, for you are kind of confusing her.  And me, because how can a four-pound dog look so much like a horse?

Slicker

Neeeiiigggh!

Yes. That is a dog in a rain slicker. Shut up. I really, REALLY needed this baby, people. All of Ceiba's little jackets and sweaters were actually cries for help.

SOMEONE KNOCK ME UP. PLEASE. GOD.

Belly3

Luckily, a certain someone in a striped polo shirt HAD knocked me up, and good.

I think, when I snapped this picture, I said something about the baby probably being the same size as Ceiba at this point.

I think I was wrong. I think was deeply in denial about the size of my baby, but that's what you do when you really think you're going to be pushing said baby out your crotch.

My baby will be seven pounds! Only freaks have 10-pound babies! And I am not a freak!

Moron

Except that I am, in fact, a freak.

Blanket2

A translucent, lumpy freak.

Also, I had that bruise on my knee for almost my entire pregnancy, because pregnancy rendered me ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE of closing this one desk drawer in my office, even though I hit my fucking knee on that fucking drawer every fucking time I stood up to use the fucking bathroom, and I had to use the fucking bathroom all the fucking time.

Knee

The fucking knee and the fucking drawer today, in a reluctant stand-off.

Ohmygod

These are the feet of a very pregnant woman. A woman who is still a good four weeks from giving birth.

You can close your eyes, but that will not stop the burning.

Max

Max. Just cuz.

Hole

This is a picture of a big creepy hole in a ceiling.

But not just ANY ceiling! This is a picture of a ceiling in a public restroom, at a CARWASH where I actually PEED, taken a mere five days before Noah was born, in an attempt to document JUST HOW LOW PREGNANCY WILL BEAT YOU DOWN.

Us_1

Anyway, then this whole other thing happened.

Bangs

That's right. I got BANGS.

Oh, you thought I was talking about that baby thing?

Blanket_1

Yeah, he pretty much rocks too.

Toycrazy_1

Noahlahah_1

Amy's Phone thinks, "Well, now that she has that baby, at least she's not taking pictures of damn FEET anymore."

Foot_1

Ha! But I am! Take THAT, Stupid Phone!

Comments

Brian

Congrats on the life-changing discovery!

slyeyes

You look good in bangs; Noah, of course, looks good in anything.

xtine

The Max picture is hilarious!

And the bangs rule.

slyeyes

Are you aware that whenever there's a new post, an old one disappears from the top?

slyeyes

I meant new comments. Oops, there goes another one.

Mimi

Has Amalah been kidnapped?? Amy, where are you? Please come brighten my day with your wit!

Isabel

Wow...I have been gone for too long.

I love all the pictures.

Especially your new bangs (which, as I recal, you had said we should all grow out, which I did...but cut again, once I saw that you did).

I must say...I like your bangs.

And mine. So much better for my head.

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