Not Quite a Year in the Life of Amy's Camera Phone

The Vomitorium Tour

I believe it goes without saying that there will be no Advice Smackdown today. I simply cannot deal with the thinking and the responsibility and the shampoo talk, and oh GOD, I smell shampoo now, and it's disgusting.

We are sort of emerging from Hell. We are sort of completely dehydrated and weak like weak baby kittens. The most grievious neglect of our son amounted to skipping his bath last night and dressing him in a red and GREY outfit today, instead of the requested red and WHITE for the Valentine's Day calendar photo bullshit at daycare, because RED and WHITE? That, by its very definition, would require TWO loads of laundry, and y'all can bite me.

I have not thrown up since Monday night. And in that timeframe I have managed to consume the following:

One banana
Two pieces of white bread
A half cup of rice
Two spoonfuls of vile, vile soup
17 Saltine crackers

So if anyone is looking to shed those last few pregnancy pounds, I highly recommend you go out and get yourself a raging case of staphylococcal food poisoning. You will lose 10 pounds, and also your dignity.

Anyway. I'm back at work today, if only to break the nasty habit of taking sick leave that I don't actually have.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY COWORKERS: Is it really necessary to make popcorn in the microwave at 9:45 in the morning? Really? Especially when there may be someone creeping into the kitchen for a harmless, odorless cup of water? Someone who is just coming off of a 48-hour food poisoning bender? IS POPCORN FOR BREAKFAST REALLY THE LIFESTYLE CHOICE YOU WANT TO MAKE?


Anyway. I have nothing. It's actually National De-Lurking Week, and has been since Monday, but I've been hesitant to encourage people to overcome The Shy and say hello when all I've been talking about is vomit, and not the cute hopeful pregnancy vomit either.

So now I will change the subject. Behold my skills!

Have any of you have seen this show called "Starting Over?" I mean, people, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW?

It's a lame self-help book crossed with an even lamer reality show, dumped right in the middle of your craptacular daytime TV lineup.

I might be in love. Just don't tell my TiVo.

Women with easily captionable problems and goals (like "Christina," who wants to "Drop the Hustle") live together (UNDER ONE ROOF!) and meet with various Life Coaches who spout inane psychobababullshit to help them achieve those goals, and then the woman all paint self portraits and...look for gold coins and...build backbones out of spools of thread. Or something.

(Now, I am no expert on this show, which is apparently in its THIRD SEASON, like, where have I been, so please forgive me if I get all the facts violently wrong. I watched exactly 20 minutes of it in a low-blood-sugar haze, but I swear to God, there was a BACKBONE MADE OUT OF SPOOLS OF THREAD.)

Anyway, I got to watch Christina (Goal: Become a Woman of Honor: Drop the Hustle, Break Hidden Addictions, Define Values, Discover new Path) try to sell a crepe paper flower she made for $500, so she could get naked pictures of herself off the Internet. This was actually terribly sad, because somebody (and I'm looking at the show's producer here) needs to explain the Internet to that poor girl. Also the going rate for crepe paper.

Oh, and Jill (Goal: Come out of Hiding: Build Personality Profile, Eliminate Chaos, Vision Correction, Claim Personal Power, Lift off) has a problem with all the "grocery shopping drama" that the newest housemate is causing! DUN DUN DUN.

Y'all, it's more suspenseful than Survivor! More real than The Real World!

At one point, Jason called out from his sofa of misery, "What the HELL are you watching?"

And I had to honestly answer, "I don't know. I just don't know."

But I could not turn away, because there was a Life Exercise involving handbags, and if there is a way to achieve emotional health and maturity through the power of purses, you know I am all up in dat. Life Coach Woman asked Lisa (Goal: Grow Up: Reality Check, Define Adulthood, Cut the Apron Strings, Walk without Crutches, Soar) to choose a purse that "best represented her" from a selection.

So she did. She chose a fairly cute one. She said it was fun. She was then asked to say what she didn't like about the other purses. She did.

And then Life Coach Woman had her open the purses to look for gold coins. The purse she'd selected had one, and the other purses had more and more, with the bag Lisa dismissed as "boring" holding the most coins.

"SEE?" Life Coach Woman shrieked triumphantly. "There is hidden value in someone YOU would call boring!"

Lisa's face said exactly what I was shouting at the television. "What the FUCK?"

But Lisa just hilariously kind of hmmm'ed and ohhhh'ed like her mind was totally blown away by this unbelievable life revelation. You know, the revelation that...she should have lied and purposely chosen the ugly purse so she could collect more Gold Coins of Personal Development? That a personal affinity for suede fringe makes you a useless, judgemental whore? That...ugly purses are people too?

And then the mixed metaphors came out of my TV and ate my eyeballs. The end.

It's probably kind of lame that I ask y'all to de-lurk today for no reason, when you've already come out of the woodwork by the hundreds several times since the last De-Lurking Day. You celebrated my big news, held my hand through some scary news, cheered for more big news and patted my head after I got some more scary news and then we celebrated the biggest news of all, ever.


(And you also de-lurked in record numbers to save the Smackdown, which apparently is even MORE exciting than a stupid old baby.)

But you know, if you'd like to say hi, today is a fine day for saying hi.

this is the same damn button she used last year



Hi there!

Glad you are on the road to recovery.

Here's is to feeling even better tomorrow and no microwave popcorn before noon.


hi! from RI. glad you're feeling better. yay for de-lurk-nacity. *ahem* bye!


technically not a LURKER as I've commented occasionally and even had a letter in Smackdown.

Love you and your child is adorable. Keep posting photos!!!


My name is Alexis... and I'm a de-lurker


Hi! Hope you're feeling better real soon!


The comment from me above was supposed to read "Here's to feeling better...."

Maybe if I could type, I would comment more, huh? :-)


I've been hooked on that show since I was put on bedrest a month ago. It's like a car accident -- you don't really want to look, but you can't look away!

Glad everyone is starting to feel better!


Delurk ::HI!:: Relurk


Delurking to say I know the Smackdown queue (sp?) is closed, but I have to know: if my husband got me a small Coach Soho bag AND a wristlet, do I get to say that in addition to the two I already own, I now own FOUR Coach bags? Or do I have to say 3 1/2? Or is it just 3 bags, 1 accessory?

See? There's only one person in the world that I know will have the correct answer for this... viva la Amalah!


Not delurking so much, but hi anyway!


Hey, glad you are feeling better!
I must confess that I *love* Starting Over. I got hooked while the babies I take care of napped. Then they (naughty children!) changed their naptime. And now... the hour from 10-11am is all mine - and the dishes and laundry. So I watch it and run to the kitchen during commercials, then run back. I'm hooked. Somedays I am touched and cry :) Other times I roll my eyes and go do the dishes earlier.
I loved your retelling the past couple days... great.


Hi there! Not a lurker here, just love the writing.


I am at the bottom of the de-lurking pile because of a THREE HOUR MEETING. gosh I hate it when actual work gets in the way of reading blogs at work.

Alishia Hanson

I will comment even though you used "the same damn button" as last year. I read you before I read Dooce--no shit. And it's not even an alphabetical thing. It's preference. Dooce is so 2005!
Did Noah cry when he got his first vaccinations? I have to take my "little" Stella in for her two month deal and I can't handle the painful cry. Hungry, tired, I can handle, pain--no way.


Hello. I'm glad to hear you're oh so gradually starting to feel better. May I also recommend for losing those last five pregnancy pounds plus five you didn't really want to lose, as suddenly you can see your ribs in your back and start thinking that you're channeling a bit of Kate-Moss-choosing-drugs-over-even-the-minimal-amount-of-food-she-normally-intakes: a colonoscopy, and accompanying, er, "preparation," followed by a three-day round of stomach flu. May nobody microwave popcorn or a burrito in your office for the remainder of the week.


During my five month bout of unemployment I saw Starting Over a few times. It was like a car wreck. I would look at it for awhile, change the channel and then say NO! And go back to it. I had similar reactions to the Lifetime movies and shows on TLC.


I'll de-lurk...but only for today! I love your blog and that delicious, delicious baby of yours! SURELY by now you see how very much he looks like you, yes?


Hi! I only occasionally lurk... But hi anyways!


Happy De-Lurking Week!!!

I'm also glad to hear that you're feeling better.


Just saying hello, you're the only one I've "de-lurked" for. Beautiful baby, hilarious blog.


Greetings Amalah -- longtime reader (and lurker on every blog I frequent) here officially de-lurking for just long enough to say hi. Keep up the great writing, and feel better!

Nothing But Bonfires

Wait, when is this show on? And what channel? This sounds like the kind of thing worth skipping work for.

Also, in my office people make FISH STICKS in the microwave. And when I was at school, there were a few girls who used to BOIL EGGS IN THE ELECTRIC KETTLE.

I'm sorry, but I think the all caps are warranted here.




URGH the whole microwave popcorn right after the flu - slash - foodpoisoning thing is just downright evil. My brother did that to me once. Exactly once... to be met with my shrieking to GET THAT S^&T OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW followed by me running to the bathroom and the popcorn flying outside. I was even on a different floor at the time.

And can I just say... Starting Over = total addiction. It's stupid I know, but HOMG I have have HAVE to watch this.


suzanna danna

delurking to say hi!

Ali G

i like this idea of jerry springer contestants on a reality show, b/c so much of the time the contestants are ordinary people trying to like, have drama, which ends up being boring to me. but people on daytime tv are always fucked up and fun!

i agree with you on the purse thing - why should people gets tons of points for boring taste?! esp if the purse is supposed to be 'like' them? this is not a self-esteem building exercise, i'm guessing...

i am against office popcorn at all times - the smell is bad even when you feel fine. hope you feel better soon!


I lurk your blog every single day. Sometimes twice a day. And get all pissed off if you don't post. You are one of four blogs I have bookmarked, and I am very stingy with my bookmarks.

So there ya go. Happy delurking day. Have a banana.


I admit to the following:

1) Refreshing your web site way, way, way too many times on your due date

2) Becoming shocked over and over again how similar the new-mom experience is as I read your posts

3) Taking your hair advice, as I have v. fine and limp hair

4) Purchasing a Coach purse on Ebay because I did NOT HAVE A COUPON

5) Secretly delighting in the fact that you did not use your special baby-food Kitchen-Aid attachment either


I've commented a couple times, but I'm mostly a lurker from Toronto.


Delurking to say happy you're not purking. I know, I am a dork.

Magnolia mom

Happy De-Lurking Week!


Oh, he's smiling.
Dang, now I want to have a baby. Might be tough though.


I have been watching starting over for 3 seasons now. It is like crack for the reality TV junkie. My husband is in awe that I actually admit I am a faithful viewer...can't get enough. Last year I had a serious addiction to the S.O. website (what? you were unaware of the website?). There was a spoiler section that ran two days before airing. Crack,crack I tell you and we all know that "crack is whack!"

Rachel K.

Hey, I've been a long time reader of the site and well, I suppose it's time that I "delurked" myself :O)

I'm Rachel, from Kentucky and I absolutely love your site and I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Oh, and you have quite possibly the most adorable, and most photogenic baby on the web!


I'm delurking. I love your blog. And my husband finds it hysterical, especially this post. But he did just make himself an extra strong cosmo, so he may be a little dipsy.


Delurking for the second time (last Delurking day was the first) to tell you and Jason that you absolutely have the cutest son on the face of the earth. Hands down!


Delurked a long time ago, so have no right to climb on the delurking bandwagon, just drooling (the good kind) over that pic of Noah, and glad you have stopped drooling.(the yucky kind). Why does it not surprise me someone at work was making popcorn? Could someone there have lost all sense of time, place and reality? NO!


i'm an ass for not reading all 807908098 comments before i post this, but last season they TOTALLY graduated a DOG on Starting Over. don't even act like that isn't the best shit ever.


Delurking to say I love your blog! Discovered you sometime shortly before the gorgeous Noah was born. Have enjoyed reading ever since.


Delurking to say Hello! Love your stories. Very cute little man!


That is a sweet picture of smiley Noah! Yours is the first blog I read every day, because it's first alphabetically in the blogroll. And because you are a great writer and your son is deliciously cute. Happy De-Lurking Week!


Hi! Been lurking for awhile. Been reading compulsively since about two weeks before that gorgeous baby of yours was born - good timing! Thank you for all the completely-free-yet-so-good-you-coooouuuld-charge-for-it-but-please-don't entertainment. ;-)


Fellow Washingtonian de-lurking...love love love your blog. Ok, re-lurking now. :)


Ahh...Starting Over. I blogged about that a bit here http://mappyb.blogs.com/mappyb/2005/11/home_on_the_fri.html. It is so bad, but very addicting. I admit to watching it everytime I am at home.

De-Lurking for maybe the 5th time...love your blog. And your babe. So adorable.


the love i have for "starting over" shall not be spoken of.


Long time lurker, first time commenter just dropping in to say "HI!"

Sarcastic Journalist

Um, hi and stuff. Not a lurker. But I feel for you on the vomit.


de-lurking to say:
thanks for the help with the Bare Minerals the other day,
and, two, Starting Over is my new secret pleasure since Passions has gotten SO predictable.

I'm, like, 3006 on the comment list here...


Delurking to say I'm a huge fan...ever since I found your site after Googling "mucous plugs"...

Hope you feel better soon!!!


OK, I'm delurking. Love your site and enjoy reading your antics about work, your pregnancy, your life. Noah is absolutely adorable. Glad you and hubby are feeling better also. Thanks for sharing it with us nosey rosey cyber people.


Maybe you could do the Smackdown in the style of Starting Over??!! Amalah advise blended with a batshit crazy therapy activity - brilliant!!

Help us find our wings Amalah, help us soar.

Lisa B

Hi Amy! I delurk alot.... But "hi" anyway.

Big Gay Sam

I absolutely loathe that show. I will actually cover my eyes and scream when I see it on the t.v.
Say not to reality shows with codependents for contestants. gah!!


My husband and I TiVo "Starting Over" every damn night. This one time? They locked a girl in a cage, and that's only one example of how fabulous it is. It's outstanding television, and by "outstanding" I mean totally f**ked up. Love it. Feel better!


I think the only reason I may be delurking is because I'm worried I'd have bad luck for the rest of the week if I didn't...like those e-mail chain letters, which I haven't gotten in about a billion years.

So, I'm a second year at the University of Chicago, and after coming home from days that generally seem only a few minutes shorter than those romance novels in the grocery store line, my favorite way to unwind is by reading your blog (which I've been doing for, well, quite some while).

Good luck with your new family and the new year! Thank you.


I've delurked before but will again to say two things!
Hi and I'm sorry about the food poisoining. I can only imagine how UGH that must be!
Second- I have a secret, deep passion and love for Starting Over. I know who the Life Coaches are (Hi Rhonda and Iyanla) I know there used to be old ones, that the hot male psychologist didn't used to be there, and
You reminded me about it (I can't watch since working) and now I have TiVo so I can TiVo it!! :)
Thanks Amy!




De-lurking to say hello and you make me laugh. Alot. Great stuff here and I am glad I found you (not sure how) but I'll be back!


I've commented a couple of times, but will say Hi again in honor of National De-Lurking Week.

Also? I'm totally with you on the microwave popcorn thing. I can't stand the smell even when I'm well (especially at 9:45 AM, WTF?) but when recovering from food poisoning? No waaay.


I first came out of hiding to save the Smackdown but I will officially come out to support de-lurking week!

Love the site. Interestingly enough, I was poisoned by food this weekend too and became quite intimate with my toilet.

Glad to hear you are feeling better.


Hi! :* I do like the idea of this delurking week. Hoorah! Love your work.


Delurking. I liked the comments on Starting Over. lol Noah looks like a little angel.


Delurking to say HI! and say that I'm quiet but I read everyday and enjoy your stories and the lovely baby pictures.


Oh noooo!!! Starting Over?!?!??? Look away while you still can!!!


Gawd, all of this de-lurking I am doing this week is starting to make me feel all kinds of stalker-like. :) It's official, I read entirely too many blogs. Yours happens to rock and as a fellow D.C. gal, I especially like to read about your food adventures. Ok, now where exactly did you get that food poisoning?? A girl needs to know these things. Your family is beautiful and I am really glad that you share your world with us.

Dad Gone Mad

This is not a delurkification. I leave comments all the time because, if we're being totally honest here, you complete me, Amalah. Also, I'm overjoyed to tell you I'M GETTING TIVO TOMORROW. We'll soon have indoor plumbing at the house, too.


Hope you feel better in time to enjoy the rest of Restaurant Week in DC!


Saying hi. Your baby is beautiful. And I love coming and reading your latest entries. Hope the food poisoning goes away soon.



Delurking to say I'm sorry to hear about the food poisoning issues! I hope you all feel better soon.

Also, I love your blog -- it always makes me laugh. :)


hi there...
been around a'lurkin' for a while. haven't commented in ages, though.

i'm so excited for you, jason and noah... such a cute little family! :)


Hi. I don't think this is a delurk since I seem to recall I did leave a comment once before.


MY old best friend told me to check out your blog I am so glad I did!!! HOw funny are you!!!
My house experienced the vomitathon a few weeks ago when it was going around and it realy makes you want to send out a little card that states "thank you for the little touch of Hell" to the evil @#$@#$ that gave it to you! any way glad you feel better super fun blog


Thought I'd delurk and say that I love your blog!
And the smackdown IS great BUT your very handsome
baby is MUCH better! I love seeing new pictures of him
and hearing all about his adventures and yours.
Just another stranger who looks forward to a new post every day...Linda
ps I'm not lame enough to
be reading at 4:06 am, however! It's really just


Okay, now I look lame! The preview gave
the time as 4 am, I swear!



I'm not delurking b/c I've commented before and you know I love you and your fam, and while I'm thankful I've been nowhere near the vomitorium, could I borrow the snot-sucking balloon, because goddamn... ugh.

I hope you feel better!


De-lurking! Thanks for the fun reading and the adorable baby pics!


I recorded every episode on my DVR, and it was on three times a day. Then I would sit down after my girls were in bed and my husband was still at work, and watch in awe. I have seen at least four different series of people yet they say they are only in season three. Who knows. Anyways, I am de-lurking, I have bee reading you ever since SAJ got preggo and linked you to her site. I really enjoy the advice smackdown, even the fru-fru stuff about make-up. And your baby is adorable.


[De-lurking] Hi, Amy... I came to your blog from reading Danny's on Dad Gone Mad (don't recall how I came upon his! but glad I did :D) and added you both to my daily RSS reading. You make me laugh and inspire me to want a blog o' me very own. ;) Thanks for sharing your thoughts and keep 'em coming! P.S. I cannot watch Starting Over, bleh. Oh, yeah, and Noah is cute as a button, but then I suspect you already knew that... :)) Karyn


De-lurking! I am de-lurking left and right today, thanks to your post!

And your Starting Over comments were a complete spoiler, for I was also home today and had nothing better to do than watch daytime TV. And guess what was on? The very same damn episode of Starting Over that you posted about. And there were no surprises, because I had already read your post and knew all about the handbags, the crepe paper, the life coaches. And it was indeed, the lamest hour of my day. And yet I could not bring myself to turn the damn TV off.


If I must de-lurk, I must. You ask, I comply. I am sure the power you feel at this moment WOULD be heady, had you any energy left to muster for such an ego boost.

And I am ALL ABOUT "Starting Over" - it was in repeats over the holidays and my days had no center. It is so very wrong, and yet so very right.

Um.. I have 10 pounds to lose. Are you making that food poisoning staphawhatsis available online (for the low, low price of $9.99)??
Feel better .. and you know, don't die. Cause then whose blog would I read?


Hey Amalah! Have officially de-lurked. I love your site! I am a new-ish reader. I am still trying to work through your archives. Thanks for being so candid about your life! Really appreciate you!


Hi :)


Hi :)


Hi! This is my first ever de-lurking, which is cool. I found your blog through dcfoodies, have been drawn in ever since. It doesn't really help my procrastination problems (studying for finals = not fun, to say the least), but your candidness and humor makes it worth it to me.


Glad to hear you are feeling better.


I have neither the time nor the energy to read through the 185 mind boggling comments before mine, so I'm pretty sure I'll just be repeating what at least 150 of them have already said...

My God, that picture of Noah just made whatever eggs I have left in my 35 year old body have a spontaneous titty tantrum over the fact that I had my tubes tied. I so miss my sons being that size and that edible...

*sighs* You're so lucky. Enjoy this time.


Had to take you up on the DeLurking dare. ;-)

Noah's a cutie, btw. But you knew that.


I wasn't going to comment just to be rebellious, but I caaaaaaaaaaan't not comment.

Noah just gets more delicious and juicy with every picture! Look at those cheeks! Mm!! Scrumptious!


Sorry, I forgot to say Get Well Soon!
Food poisoning is awful! Poor Amalah. Poor Jason. I'm glad you are on the mend.

the kim half of glamorouse

Are you kidding? You already get a bazillion comments and now you're actively asking for more?
I think three people regularly read our blog, and two of those are us. Tragic. Totally tragic.
And Starting Over is so gob-smackingly bad it is highly highly addictive. They even have 'reunion' shows where some of the crazy-dumb-as-bat-shit loons revisit key turning points or moments of high boredom in some warped form of watching the replay on the big screen.


Hi...I think I may have delurked before....so hi again...

I had a blast following your pregnancy as I was just a few months behind you. Now I sit here with almost 1 month old Felix...who is seriously cutting into my internet time but that's ok. I have now figured out how to breast feed and blog read at the same time but only after he has passed out attached to my nipple...

I hope you feel better soon.


american tv scares me...

and that loosing 10lbs thing doesnt sound too bad :)

Consider me delurked!


Requesting more Noah-soliloquy picture captions. Haters be damned! Who cares if some people don't like them?? I always found them to be very funny...


What's funnier than me lurking, is that I didn't even know I was doing it. I'm pretty new to the blog stuff, and I have NO idea how I found yours. I don't have a baby, I'm not trying to have one, and I definitely can't afford to buy Coach bags. Nevertheless, I find you to be kind of like an addiction.
Oh yeah, Noah's cute. But that line seems SO played out.


I thought I would say hi because you told me to! I can't remeber if I have commented before or not!! Glad you are feeling better - Noah is way cute!


I must admit, I've been lurking for several months. I love your site and love your commentary. Thanks for making me laugh every day.


i'm not a lurker, but i had to comment on Starting Over... I haven't watched in awhile, because it just got to be too much drama and WAY too many idiots.

BUT, I watched it when I first got married two years ago, when I was out of a job and had just started taking the pill, and was the biggest emotional trainwreck ever. I mean, I cried at "An Engagement Story"... Thankfully, I wised up and only Oprah makes me cry now.

Glad you're feeling a little better. I hear you on the need for non-smelly food at work!


I found your site a while ago because the Company Cookbook (which made me laugh SO much, by the way) was linked from the Office Attachments funnies page of yahoo.co.uk. It took a while for me to go back to reread the cookbook and discover there was a whole world of Amalah humour out there - plus pictures of THE cutest baby I have ever seen!!
Love your site, love your style, ADORE the pics of Noah, so please keep it all coming!


Don't you just love de-lurkers who offer assvice? Perhaps some people are better off as lurkers.

No assvice from this de-lurker. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now and I am totally hooked.

I just want to add that my husband and I are planning to start a family of our own soon and I will be happy if I am half as cute pregnant as you were. And your cute baby makes good advertising for those of us considering motherhood.


OK, OK, I give in. I must delurk. But just to say that this:

"And then the mixed metaphors came out of my TV and ate my eyeballs. The end."

Made me snort out loud with laughter. And now my nose hurts from the snorting. :o)

Glad you're feeling a bit better - food posioning sucks ass!

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