Noah is sick. Diarrhea. Vomiting. Screaming. Hair-pulling.
He's on outfit number seven so far and I've taken three showers to get vomit out of my hair, cleavage and/or ear canals.
I also watched Starting Over.
I know. I am deeply ashamed. But you know, I was kind of hoping for more spinospools, or some of the crazy sadistic shit y'all told me about, like grown women being dressed as babies and sent on playdates while their housemates throw cupcakes at them and their Life Coaches berate them for not taking ownership of their poor life choices, which certainly include appearing on this suckfest of a show.
Or you know...something like that.
One day, the remote will be mine, and I will never have to watch this crap again.
I emailed Yvonne this morning and told her that I was actually PLANNING to watch Starting Over, like NOT EVEN BY ACCIDENT, and made a joke that perhaps I would liveblog it. She ordered me to do just that and has been yelling at me all day about it, like she thinks she invented the restraining order or something, and...well. This is your entry for today! It's Y's fault if you have no fucking idea what I'm talking about.
Previously on Starting Over! Bitchfight! Well, some yelling in the kitchen, at least. Possibly over dishes!
Opening credits: COURAGE. GROWTH. CRYING. THROWING THINGS.
Kelly is Overcoming a Fear of Intimacy, and she also hates Jodi. Apparently, they were the ones yelling in the kitchen. Kelly is crying now, because Jodi is SO harshing her personal development buzz.
Kelly rants that she is here to learn how to get along with her family, NOT how to get along with Jodi, and while this is only the second time I've watched this show EVER, even I get that she may be missing the big picture here, just a little bit.
She has to go to some "street interview" thing and is trying to pull herself together. Lisa, who is Rebuilding the Ruins, puts away the iron before Kelly kills Jodi with it, and then gives her a hug and tells her to be careful driving, what with the complete meltdown she's having and the kind of scary way she's flying around their bedroom shrieking and getting bleeped by the censors. Kelly is kind of offended by the suggestion that she's maybe crossed into raving fucking lunatic territory.
Kelly: Oh, I'm gonna be FINE, I mean, I'm not CRAZY!
Of course you aren't! No, there is no crazy in the Starting Over Bleeping House! No crazy at all!
Actually, it turns out that the Big Kelly and Jodi Throwdown is about Kelly's Depression Cloud. Which...I don't know. Kelly drew squiggly lines on her Cloud and Jodi thought squiggly lines were not sufficiently Depressing enough.
I like Jill, who is Losing Weight and Eliminating Chaos. Jill and I would go shopping and we would buy shoes and I would purposely try on some ugly shoes and Jill would be all, "OH HELL NO GIRLFRIEND" and we would laugh because we've had too much coffee.
The aforementioned street interview involves hanging around a strip mall parking lot with a mother and her son who will hug and hold hands while Kelly shakes down random people walking by to ask if they find that behavior inappropriate or sexual. Which...wow. That's kind of sad, and I wonder what Kelly would think of Noah's penchant for French kissing.
Of course, every single person thinks it's MARVELOUS that the mother and son can show affection out in public. FABULOUS. WONDERFUL. Except, perhaps, for a little girl Kelly kind of hilariously interviews at the end and practically browbeats her with the leading questions like, "If your dad put his arm around you, in front of everybody in this whole parking lot, you would be okay with that, right? You would be happy, right? Because it means he loves you, RIGHT?"
And the little girl, who is standing about 10 feet away from her dad, nods meekly, yet looks like she would rather that the asphalt OPEN UP AND SWALLOW HER WHOLE before she would be okay with her father HUGGING HER in front of PEOPLE, OH MY GOD.
Two other women in the house are also kind of fighting, but it's boring. So boring. This show is boring! There is entirely too much footage of women writing things down on legal pads! Where are the spinospools?
I'm kind of sad the show is halfway over and there hasn't been anything nearly as awesome as the spinospools.
Jill never knew her dad and talks about being rejected as an embryo. Jodi won't get on the scale because her dad used to make her weigh herself every morning just to humiliate her. Christie's dad was physically abusive. Jesus, it's a fucking John Mayer song, people.
Wait, what's this? PIES! There are pies!
Jodi opens the front door to find the the Starting Over Production Assistant Gnomes have left cream pies on the doorstep. Pies labeled with things like FAT, UGLY, GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY CANDIDATE and TURKEY NECK.
"Oh God, are people going to throw these at me?" Jodi asks. So she HAS watched the show.
Lisa comes running over to see the pies. "Are we going to throw these at your head?" she asks, a bit too excitedly.
Unfortunately for us all, the pies are not going to be thrown at Jodi. Or even Kelly, who could kind of use a pie thrown at her head, if you know what I'm saying.
No, Jodi is to take the pies up to the Starting Over Bleeping House's balcony and toss them off while saying some "I CHOOSE ME" type platitude.
But once again, the coolness has been reduced EVEN FURTHER by the Production Assistant Gnomes, who obviously didn't want to clean cream pie out of the fucking pool, so Jodi is actually just sort of...dropping the pies off the balcony directly into a waiting trash can.
"I will not look in the mirror to see my turkey neck!" Jodi triumphantly shouts, joining Kelly in the Maybe Not Sort of Getting the Point Club.
Kelly tells Life Coach Rhonda about the horrible, terrible mean thing Jodi said about the squiggly lines on her Depression Cloud, and I hope, for one fleeting moment that she's LISTENING TO HERSELF GET WORKED UP OVER SQUIGGLY LINES, or that Rhonda will tell her to dial back the fucking drama already or maybe throw a pie at her head, but none of these things happen.
Instead, Rhonda tells Kelly that Jodi is a mirror. A MIRROR TO KELLY. For Kelly to look in and see KELLY, and Kelly should thank Jodi for letting her look into the Mirror of Condescension and grow from love or some such bullshit, and I throw a puke-encrusted burp cloth at the television, because PLEASE.
What kind of passive aggressive coping technique is that?
Woman #1: Wow, those shoes are so cute. Didn't I see them in the October 2004 issue of InStyle?
Woman #2: Wow, thank you for showing me how ugly it is when I judge others based on their clothes. You've really helped me grow as a person today.
Woman #1: You're welcome, but those shoes are still hella last season.
Ceiba doesn't know about you, but she's kind of embarrassed for womankind right now.
Anyway, we can't end the show without Jodi and Kelly having a Confrontation, which they totally take outside, where they totally pull the passive aggressive shit on each other, just like the Life Coaches taught them to.
Jodi: I'm sorry that you think I'm condescending. I am willing to take ownership about the need to be extra careful when I speak to you because of the stupid way you interpret whatever I say.
Kelly: I really don't appreciate that you are making the fact that I have a problem with you all about the fact that I have a problem with you, instead of admitting that you are just a huge pain in the ass.
Jodi: I'm so glad we talked! Give me a hug!
This show is an embarrassment to everyone involved! Just like this entry! I crap my pants in protest!