From the It-Was-Bound-To-Happen-Sooner-Or-Later File:
February 17, 2006
(Y'all! Thank you so much for all the awesome diaper tote suggestions. I want about ten of them. At least. Oh wait, did I see that one before? Shit. Now I want eleven. And because together we've pretty much covered the Entire Universe of Cool Diaper Bags for the Non-Frumpy Mama, I'm going to pool all the suggestions and create a shopping guide. Because I have ALWAYS wanted to create a shopping guide of some sort, but have been too lazy to actually research it my damn self. So...thank you for doing all the work. Suckers.)
Last night we went out for dinner (u could save that $ and stay home! wh0RE!). Noah fell asleep during the car ride to the restaurant (if u loved Noah u would sell that car t00 and walk everywhere!), and Jason dropped me off while he went to find parking.
I went in, got our table and happily settled in with the wine list (OMFG!) and waited for Jason and Noah to join me.
Minutes later, Jason arrived. I waved and he casually strolled over and sat down.
I stared at him for a few seconds. I took a deep breath. I focused on keeping my cool. Also on keeping my eyeballs from exploding.
"Jason," I said, in a calm, low voice. "Where. Is. The. Baby?"
His eyes got very wide, and without a word, he jumped up and bolted back out the door.
When he returned, sleeping babe in tow, the table next to us applauded.
"DUDE." said our slightly horrified waitress. "DUDE."
DUDE is right, because I now have something to hold over Jason's head FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, and I couldn't be happier about that, since maybe now he'll stop asking if Noah looks a little cross-eyed because I sort of let him fall off the couch that one time.
I am properly gobsmacked at your duncity and recklessness, dude.
HEE! That was effing hilarious.
DUDE.
Ho. Lee. Crap.
poor jason. he will surely (and deservedly) be teased for years to come. ;)
ha ha! One time, I went out to walk the dogs, and I thought someone was following me, and I called my husband and he got so upset he ran out of the house and left Jacob under his gymini and didn't realize the baby had been left alone until I asked him, "what about Jacob."
Now I am no longer allowed to walk the dogs at night.
no WAY! omg! too funny.
DUDE! That was effing priceless!
That was funny! Poor Noah! Poor Jason because he will never hear the end of it.
Can't wait to see the shopping list! YAY!
LMFAO!
men are so stupid. at least he didn't leave him sitting on top of the car and drive off!
hee.
Dinner: $75
Tip: $15
Parking: $10
Having a blackmail moment to store up for life: Priceless
I left my newborn in the car when I went to Barnes and Noble one day. I thought I had dropped her off with her sister and her dad at my in-laws. I realized I'd left her as soon as I entered the bookstore and freaked out, ran back to my car and left, I didn't want to go in after that.
That is completely awesome blackmail material. It reminds me of all the stories from alittlepregnant.com when she left Charlie home with her dad and he didn't know it and left too. There were tons of stories like that. Glad you remembered his royal sweetness!
p.s. stop thinking you invented "it was bound to happen sooner or later files" OK?
I am surprised either of mine survived infancy with all the smacking of heads on doors and falling off the couch.
My hubby and FIL will never live down the day they were too busy playing on the computer and let the 7 month old fall through the ceiling....It was a converted attic with REALLY steep stairs and curious little fellow toddled over (yes he was walking at 7 months)to the *hole* in the floor and squatted down to have a look-see. Having inherited his fathers big noggin, he fell right through the ceiling, landing on his head on the floor below. I saw all of this out of the corner of my eye and shouted a few *ugly* words in the presence of my VERY RELIGOUS MIL. Poor DH didn't let the poor guy sleep that night because he kept waking him up to check for a concussion.
Quite frankly, after that, I don't freak out with the normal bumps and scapes of childhood...
I have no words...
FUCK YOU Y! I WOULD DELETE YOUR COMMENT EXCEPT I AM TRYING TO PROVE TO THE WORLD THAT I AM NOT INSECURE, BUT YOUR COMMENT MAKES ME FEEL A LITTLE DEAD INSIDE.
(Note to everyone else: Joke! I love Y more than my Similac diaper bag.)
OMFG, indeed! I presume that the Steak & a BJ Day festivities will be indefinitely delayed this year? Poor guy.
OMG, That story cracked me up.
I went to the shoe store once with my three kids. AS I walked out, my oldest in front of me, I was holding baby, and had my daughter hand (this is important to note). As I was walking out, I tunred to look and make sure everyone was there. i couldn't see my daughter. I start freaking out. WHERE IS MY KID. I start running through the story calling her name. My oldest is practically on the floor laughing at me. I said "Stop laughing and help me find your sister". With that he pointed. I looked. I was still holding her hand.
when my little man was less than two weeks old, my big man and i were in the grocery store, with the baby resting in his carseat in the car. at one point, the dumbass grabbed a cart full of watermelons and started to push in down the aisle. i just stood there dumbfounded. he realized i wasn't following him before he realized our child had been turned into a bunch of watermelons.
men . . .
Dude. Best story ever.
Karma is a lady after all. ;)
Does this mean you get to spend more than $25 on your new bag?
I locked LilZ in a running car on the side of a VERY busy highway in a VERY dangerous spot mere yards from the TN River. He was about 9 months old.
DUDE!
I hope he locked the car as he walked away.
Too funny.
That is the most perfect use of the word "DUDE" that I have ever heard.
Be sure to tell Noah this story as soon as you can, so that he can also hold it over his father's head. It will come in handy during those father-son bonding sessions.
But you know the whole time you were thinking "Thank GOD he did it first!"
(Trying not to laugh, trying not to laugh, trying not to laugh...)
It's not working.
:-)
PaintingChef: Holy SHIT, was I ever. Luckily I pretended my big sigh of relief was regarding Noah's safety, not because I felt like I'd just been given stupidity amnesty for LIFE.
Dude. My mom left my 2.5 year old locked in the car in her garage without noticing for 20 minutes one time. I swear, when I saw him safely in there (we'd just noticed he was missing and were going crazy scouring the house for him) and realized she was the culprit, my second thought (after, of course, thank holy god in heaven he is OK)was, "Never, never will my mother say a negative thing about my damn parenting skills ever again". Glad Noah's OK, glad you're letting Jason live.
That's so hysterical! Great story!
When my younger brother was little, my dad was always telling my mom, "Now you watch him!" as if 1) she WOULD'T; and b) she had let my other brother and me just run willy-nilly with the scissors turning on the lights in rooms we weren't in while the refrigerator door stood open.
Then one day while my dad was watching him, my brother ran down a set of terraced concrete steps, tripped, and slid about five feet ON HIS FACE.
My mom said her first thought was, "Thank God I wasn't the one watching him!"
Dude...!
So really, I could do no wrong. Kind of nice.
A former boss of mine struggled one day to load her four rumpousing children into a car and left one behind. Wait- the child was in the car seat on the trunk. A stranger watched the child fly off of the trunk (unharmed due to fabulous saftey standards). Scooped up the child and chased down the car.
After hearing that story, I know that I am not the worst mother ever.
My parents left my sister at a gas station in another state, so you two are doing a-ok!
OMG, what a funny story! I'm with the posters who say "aren't you kind of glad you weren't the first one to forget Noah?"
Well, MY story is that when my sister was about one, she was at a daycare center run out of a woman's home. Now, my dad was the one who picked her up on his way home from work. Easy-peasy, right? Well, one day, something happened to his 'routine,' and he forgot to pick up my sister. He came home, sans sister, and my mom thought he was playing a joke on her - he couldn't have forgotten to pick up the baby. Well, he did. It's been over 20 years now, and my mom still trots out that story as proof my dad can be forgetful.
YOU WISH YOU COULD FUCK ME.
(I love you more than I love my pressed wood cabinets. Don't be jealous of my pressed wood cabinets)
MAKE SURE you tell Noah that story OVER AND OVER so when it comes ttime for him to want a car, he can say, Hey, Dad- why don't you just give me the one YOU LEFT ME IN?" That way, Noah will get everything he wants from Daddy, and you can complain all the time about how Jason gives int o the boy.
PERFECT!!! :))
"Dude, he'll be fine in the car. Did you see this wine list?" Thanks for the laughs, in this Week of Lice Threat and No Working Shower. (Like Days of Wine and Roses, only not half as fun.)
Yeah, my mom's best friend locked baby me in the car while babysitting. According to the stories, I spent a couple hours happily blinking my eyes in the car seat while she made funny faces thru the window and panicked enough to remember it for the REST OF HER LIFE.
Hi Amalah,
Long time reader, first time delurker.
I just have to say that my mom has Jason very much beaten. When I was a baby, she used to go to Dollar-a-Pound at the Garment District in Cambridge. It's this giant room with the floor just completely covered in old clothes. Well, apparently, she used to put poor little me down to browse around. And then one day somebody moved a big pile of clothes and I got buried and *she lost me.*
(Obviously) she found me (eventually). But it probably explains my fear of chiffon....
But, no worries, I seem to have turned out ok. :D
Baby? What baby?
Too funny.
Amy, I love your blog. I read it every day, and it has saved me from the daily grind here at ye olde bean counters, LLP.
Please know that not everyone here in Austin is a malicious ASSBAG. If I were mean, I would take my pointy-toed boots and head over to UT right now, but hey, who wants to ruin a perfectly good pair of boots???
You keep doin' what you're doin', and we'll keep lovin' it.
Oh! MY! GOSH! Poor Jason.
Okay, okay, so I locked my oldest in a running car, in the winter, in a parking lot at our apartment, in the city. Luckily the historical society was next door and open. (I had no cell phone back then.) I had to LEAVE MY BABY and go in to call AAA. I still think it was to get out of his 1st set of immunizations. We rescheduled and he got them but it was another day.
PS- I love when things happen when the hubby's in charge. Otherwise it's all - what happened? weren't you watching? Thankfully we've been doing this long enough we both know how things happen.
Duuuuuude! That's hilarious and scary all at the same time.
Ahhhh...I was wondering how all those idiots could 'forget their kid' in their car. Apparently Jason is their king.
Very funny. Poor, poor Jason. ( insert evil cackle here)
Well, I will cut Jason some slack because if HE had to try to push an 8 pound baby out through a very small body cavity, I doubt he would be very inclined to forget said baby.
How is Max? And Ceiba?
Do you even remember who I'm talking about? Or has the cuteness of Noah taken over completely? :D
That is hysterical. If it helps Jason feel better, my parents left me locked in the car during a ferry ride to Nova Scotia. And then realized they had locked the keys inside. I blame them for my fear of large boats.