Wednesday Advice Smackdown Special Thursday Edition

From the It-Was-Bound-To-Happen-Sooner-Or-Later File:

(Y'all! Thank you so much for all the awesome diaper tote suggestions. I want about ten of them. At least. Oh wait, did I see that one before? Shit. Now I want eleven. And because together we've pretty much covered the Entire Universe of Cool Diaper Bags for the Non-Frumpy Mama, I'm going to pool all the suggestions and create a shopping guide. Because I have ALWAYS wanted to create a shopping guide of some sort, but have been too lazy to actually research it my damn self. So...thank you for doing all the work. Suckers.)

Last night we went out for dinner (u could save that $ and stay home! wh0RE!). Noah fell asleep during the car ride to the restaurant (if u loved Noah u would sell that car t00 and walk everywhere!), and Jason dropped me off while he went to find parking.

I went in, got our table and happily settled in with the wine list (OMFG!) and waited for Jason and Noah to join me.

Minutes later, Jason arrived. I waved and he casually strolled over and sat down.

I stared at him for a few seconds. I took a deep breath. I focused on keeping my cool. Also on keeping my eyeballs from exploding.

"Jason," I said, in a calm, low voice. "Where. Is. The. Baby?"

His eyes got very wide, and without a word, he jumped up and bolted back out the door.

When he returned, sleeping babe in tow, the table next to us applauded.

"DUDE." said our slightly horrified waitress. "DUDE."

DUDE is right, because I now have something to hold over Jason's head FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, and I couldn't be happier about that, since maybe now he'll stop asking if Noah looks a little cross-eyed because I sort of let him fall off the couch that one time.


I am properly gobsmacked at your duncity and recklessness, dude.



HEE! That was effing hilarious.




Ho. Lee. Crap.

poor jason. he will surely (and deservedly) be teased for years to come. ;)


ha ha! One time, I went out to walk the dogs, and I thought someone was following me, and I called my husband and he got so upset he ran out of the house and left Jacob under his gymini and didn't realize the baby had been left alone until I asked him, "what about Jacob."

Now I am no longer allowed to walk the dogs at night.


no WAY! omg! too funny.


DUDE! That was effing priceless!


That was funny! Poor Noah! Poor Jason because he will never hear the end of it.

Can't wait to see the shopping list! YAY!



men are so stupid. at least he didn't leave him sitting on top of the car and drive off!



Dinner: $75

Tip: $15

Parking: $10

Having a blackmail moment to store up for life: Priceless


I left my newborn in the car when I went to Barnes and Noble one day. I thought I had dropped her off with her sister and her dad at my in-laws. I realized I'd left her as soon as I entered the bookstore and freaked out, ran back to my car and left, I didn't want to go in after that.


That is completely awesome blackmail material. It reminds me of all the stories from when she left Charlie home with her dad and he didn't know it and left too. There were tons of stories like that. Glad you remembered his royal sweetness!


p.s. stop thinking you invented "it was bound to happen sooner or later files" OK?


I am surprised either of mine survived infancy with all the smacking of heads on doors and falling off the couch.

My hubby and FIL will never live down the day they were too busy playing on the computer and let the 7 month old fall through the ceiling....It was a converted attic with REALLY steep stairs and curious little fellow toddled over (yes he was walking at 7 months)to the *hole* in the floor and squatted down to have a look-see. Having inherited his fathers big noggin, he fell right through the ceiling, landing on his head on the floor below. I saw all of this out of the corner of my eye and shouted a few *ugly* words in the presence of my VERY RELIGOUS MIL. Poor DH didn't let the poor guy sleep that night because he kept waking him up to check for a concussion.

Quite frankly, after that, I don't freak out with the normal bumps and scapes of childhood...


I have no words...



(Note to everyone else: Joke! I love Y more than my Similac diaper bag.)

weaker vessel

OMFG, indeed! I presume that the Steak & a BJ Day festivities will be indefinitely delayed this year? Poor guy.

wayward goddess

OMG, That story cracked me up.
I went to the shoe store once with my three kids. AS I walked out, my oldest in front of me, I was holding baby, and had my daughter hand (this is important to note). As I was walking out, I tunred to look and make sure everyone was there. i couldn't see my daughter. I start freaking out. WHERE IS MY KID. I start running through the story calling her name. My oldest is practically on the floor laughing at me. I said "Stop laughing and help me find your sister". With that he pointed. I looked. I was still holding her hand.


when my little man was less than two weeks old, my big man and i were in the grocery store, with the baby resting in his carseat in the car. at one point, the dumbass grabbed a cart full of watermelons and started to push in down the aisle. i just stood there dumbfounded. he realized i wasn't following him before he realized our child had been turned into a bunch of watermelons.

men . . .


Dude. Best story ever.

Big Gay Sam

Karma is a lady after all. ;)


Does this mean you get to spend more than $25 on your new bag?


I locked LilZ in a running car on the side of a VERY busy highway in a VERY dangerous spot mere yards from the TN River. He was about 9 months old.




I hope he locked the car as he walked away.
Too funny.

Bozoette Mary

That is the most perfect use of the word "DUDE" that I have ever heard.

Bozoette Mary

Be sure to tell Noah this story as soon as you can, so that he can also hold it over his father's head. It will come in handy during those father-son bonding sessions.


But you know the whole time you were thinking "Thank GOD he did it first!"


(Trying not to laugh, trying not to laugh, trying not to laugh...)

It's not working.



PaintingChef: Holy SHIT, was I ever. Luckily I pretended my big sigh of relief was regarding Noah's safety, not because I felt like I'd just been given stupidity amnesty for LIFE.


Dude. My mom left my 2.5 year old locked in the car in her garage without noticing for 20 minutes one time. I swear, when I saw him safely in there (we'd just noticed he was missing and were going crazy scouring the house for him) and realized she was the culprit, my second thought (after, of course, thank holy god in heaven he is OK)was, "Never, never will my mother say a negative thing about my damn parenting skills ever again". Glad Noah's OK, glad you're letting Jason live.


That's so hysterical! Great story!


When my younger brother was little, my dad was always telling my mom, "Now you watch him!" as if 1) she WOULD'T; and b) she had let my other brother and me just run willy-nilly with the scissors turning on the lights in rooms we weren't in while the refrigerator door stood open.

Then one day while my dad was watching him, my brother ran down a set of terraced concrete steps, tripped, and slid about five feet ON HIS FACE.

My mom said her first thought was, "Thank God I wasn't the one watching him!"

Heather B.


So really, I could do no wrong. Kind of nice.


A former boss of mine struggled one day to load her four rumpousing children into a car and left one behind. Wait- the child was in the car seat on the trunk. A stranger watched the child fly off of the trunk (unharmed due to fabulous saftey standards). Scooped up the child and chased down the car.

After hearing that story, I know that I am not the worst mother ever.


My parents left my sister at a gas station in another state, so you two are doing a-ok!


OMG, what a funny story! I'm with the posters who say "aren't you kind of glad you weren't the first one to forget Noah?"

Well, MY story is that when my sister was about one, she was at a daycare center run out of a woman's home. Now, my dad was the one who picked her up on his way home from work. Easy-peasy, right? Well, one day, something happened to his 'routine,' and he forgot to pick up my sister. He came home, sans sister, and my mom thought he was playing a joke on her - he couldn't have forgotten to pick up the baby. Well, he did. It's been over 20 years now, and my mom still trots out that story as proof my dad can be forgetful.



(I love you more than I love my pressed wood cabinets. Don't be jealous of my pressed wood cabinets)

Bonanza Jellybean

MAKE SURE you tell Noah that story OVER AND OVER so when it comes ttime for him to want a car, he can say, Hey, Dad- why don't you just give me the one YOU LEFT ME IN?" That way, Noah will get everything he wants from Daddy, and you can complain all the time about how Jason gives int o the boy.

PERFECT!!! :))

Wacky Mommy

"Dude, he'll be fine in the car. Did you see this wine list?" Thanks for the laughs, in this Week of Lice Threat and No Working Shower. (Like Days of Wine and Roses, only not half as fun.)

Real Girl

Yeah, my mom's best friend locked baby me in the car while babysitting. According to the stories, I spent a couple hours happily blinking my eyes in the car seat while she made funny faces thru the window and panicked enough to remember it for the REST OF HER LIFE.


Hi Amalah,

Long time reader, first time delurker.

I just have to say that my mom has Jason very much beaten. When I was a baby, she used to go to Dollar-a-Pound at the Garment District in Cambridge. It's this giant room with the floor just completely covered in old clothes. Well, apparently, she used to put poor little me down to browse around. And then one day somebody moved a big pile of clothes and I got buried and *she lost me.*

(Obviously) she found me (eventually). But it probably explains my fear of chiffon....

But, no worries, I seem to have turned out ok. :D

crazy paint lady

Baby? What baby?

Too funny.

Amy, I love your blog. I read it every day, and it has saved me from the daily grind here at ye olde bean counters, LLP.

Please know that not everyone here in Austin is a malicious ASSBAG. If I were mean, I would take my pointy-toed boots and head over to UT right now, but hey, who wants to ruin a perfectly good pair of boots???

You keep doin' what you're doin', and we'll keep lovin' it.

Silly Hily

Oh! MY! GOSH! Poor Jason.


Okay, okay, so I locked my oldest in a running car, in the winter, in a parking lot at our apartment, in the city. Luckily the historical society was next door and open. (I had no cell phone back then.) I had to LEAVE MY BABY and go in to call AAA. I still think it was to get out of his 1st set of immunizations. We rescheduled and he got them but it was another day.


PS- I love when things happen when the hubby's in charge. Otherwise it's all - what happened? weren't you watching? Thankfully we've been doing this long enough we both know how things happen.


Duuuuuude! That's hilarious and scary all at the same time.


Ahhhh...I was wondering how all those idiots could 'forget their kid' in their car. Apparently Jason is their king.


Very funny. Poor, poor Jason. ( insert evil cackle here)


Well, I will cut Jason some slack because if HE had to try to push an 8 pound baby out through a very small body cavity, I doubt he would be very inclined to forget said baby.

How is Max? And Ceiba?

Do you even remember who I'm talking about? Or has the cuteness of Noah taken over completely? :D


That is hysterical. If it helps Jason feel better, my parents left me locked in the car during a ferry ride to Nova Scotia. And then realized they had locked the keys inside. I blame them for my fear of large boats.

Lizzie P

Oh.My.God. That's all I can say.

Nicole P

Poor Jason! I bet he never ran faster in his whole life.


My dad always tells the story of a colleague who was taking the kids out on a sunday, but stopped at the office for five minutes to pick something up, so he left them in the car (this was the '80s, when people didn't freak out yet about that). Anyways, he got distracted, did some good work for a few hours, and took the subway home. He only noticed the kids were still in the car, in the parking lot at work, when his wife called the family to the table for dinner. By then, it had been a few good hours.


My inlaws joined for a fine dinner at the local Applebees (loud atmosphere and balloons...I know I don't need to explain myself). Now, we have 3 year old twins and a six yr old. One of the twins fell asleep enroute to dinner, so upon arriving, my MIL and I grabbed the awake children to secure a table and left the sleeping child to be carried in by my husband. We were already seated when he marched into a very full waiting area (we were uber lucky and got the BIG booth almost immediately) WITHOUT THE OTHER DAUGHTER. So I book ass across the restaurant and in my best mock whisper snarled "did you forget something?" (not really...I think I barked it at the top of my lungs). The funniest part was watching my husband AND his father negotiate the waiting area with their eyes firmly and unwaveringly focused to the ground with poor, forgotten Libby groggily draped over his shoulder. And no, I still have not let him forget it.


Dude. That is...funny...and frightening. Poor Jason!
I know I'm a little late on the bag thing, but I wanted to mention a couple. and
the fleurville diaper bags (they have them at


Oh, my. This is AWESOME. I have to say, though, I wouldn't have been able to be that calm. I'm quite impressed.


Kudos to you for posting this! I can totally see my own husband doing the very same thing. You may have just prevented what could have been grounds for divorce. Because after all, if Jason could do it, then it must be okay, right? ;-)

Miss W

Way to go Jason! ;) Hopefully in our family it will be Mr. W who does something of that nature and NOT me.


dude - at least you realized the baby was missing....Any parent that tells you they've never hosed up is either not a parent OR clueless.


Well, you got THAT parenting mistake out of the way. Phew. Now you know all about babies falling of couches and forgetting babies in cars.

You can move on to bigger and better things, like Leaving Him in the Kitchen with the Bleach at age 2 and Telling Him Where Babies Come From at age 7.

Weeeee!!! There are soooo many ways we can endanger and damage our's amazing any of them make it to be teenagers (when, of course, they take over endangering and damaging THEMSELVES, having been WELL-TAUGHT by their parents!).

Hope you ordered TWO bottles of wine! hahah

the kim half of glamorouse

Let me recount for you the Return to School of our first two children who, miraculously we haven't killed by under/over-feeding, lack of jackets in cool weather or leaving at parks on cold wintery days.

Children deposited at various schools in our local area.

Sense of carefree woohoo-ness at five weeks of relentless parenting came to a close.

Find AWESOME park in local suburb to go for breakfast at groovy little cafe that, when we all go, results in dirty looks and blood leaking from the ears of older cafe latte lovers.

Leave car, cross road with kick in our step until I kick myself in arse.

Return to car, get sleeping Jasper. The GOOD Child. The one we've decided we'll keep because he sleeps, smiles, eats, shows definite giftedness in development and doesn't answer back. Yet.

Pray noone saw. Hence sharing it here. With a gagillion strangers.

And this:


Oh, Jason has nothing on my parents. My mom once stopped to drop something at a friend's house and left me twiddling my thumbs in my booster seat while she ran in for three minutes. Well, she didn't realize that she had forgotten to put on the parking brake until she got up to the front door and looked back to see her Honda starting to rolling back down the steeeep driveway with me giggling in the front seat. Luckily, the doors weren't locked, and she was able to catch up and jump in to pull the brake. I swear she could have won the Olympic 100-meter getting to that car, though.

Oh, and my dad left me at the frozen food section of Winn-Dixie for thirty minutes once. Luckily, I find fish sticks fascinating.


oh lord, EVERYONE does that. The trick is never to put the baby on TOP of the car and then forget about him and drive away.


Oh. That is perhaps my worst nightmare. If Jason is totally despondent, just have him e mail me and I will share with him the infamous "bathtub incident" I tried to purge it from my memory, but can't.

I nearly turned myself into social services. After a few hail mary's and a vow to NEVER let it happen again, I decided all is truly well that ends well.




Come to think of it, my dad has Jason beat. When I was nine he left me in the path of an oncoming tornado at the softball go home and check on my mother, an adult who knew how to cope in tornado season. He drove up just as the funnel cloud was within sight and yelled, "GET IN!" and we raced home.

Yep, that's got "left sleeping baby in locked car for brief period of time" beat all to pieces.



Paybacks a bitch, isn't it Jason?

(Can I also just say that I love that you've taken to trolling your own posts?)


re diaper bag -- you've got a lot to carry! what about one of the Fleurville motherships? www.

I have been trying to deal with the same issue though, with no solution in sight: I need to bring to the car (and down one flight of stairs) my huge 7 year old mendela pump in style, a purse, a 2 month old in her car seat, her bag of bottles for daycare, a 2.5 year old, the toddler's lunch, and sometimes restocking extra clothes, diapers, etc.
maybe I need that fleurville mothership.
let us know what you decide to get!


So my hand just totally covered my mouth. I cannot even imagine how fast your heart must've been beating.

Thank goodness our beloved Noah was sleeping and will not be traumatized for life!

Sarcastic Journalist

woah. I will show this to my husband as reason why I will continue to nag.


I can't relate to the baby story part, as I have no babes of my own (yet!), but the shopping guide--you SO read my mind!! I've been thinking about starting one for a couple of years now!! We should collaborate! (And yes, I am a total stranger, lol)


My friend lived in a VERY small town where everybody knew everybody. Walks into Post Office carrying 1mo old baby in carseat. Puts carseat on floor to dig out her mail and write her check at the counter. Visits with counter people, waves goodbye, gets in her car and leaves...WITH THE BABY STILL IN CARSEAT ON THE FLOOR OF POST OFFICE. Her friends behind the counter just took the babe, put him behind the counter, and waited for my friend to remember...Took her driving off and 5 minutes to think, "Oh, gee, were my arms really empty for a reason?" She freaks, runs back into PO, screaming, Where is my baby?? Counter people were all, What baby?? She's all screaming and crying, then they were all, "Here he is...Are you ever going to forget him again?" Needless to say, she didn't. Kinda mean, but definitely funny.

Ali G

i think you should totally build a shopping guide based on your readers. i mean, you have a great survey base...

ahhhh... the little triumphs in the relationship. like when you finally have something really good to hold over the other person's head...


Too funny. In a slightly twisted way, I want that to happen to us so that my other half stops thinking he's God's gift to parenting...!


I pray to God that my husband does something like this first, and not me.

Also, I must have missed something... Why must crazy paint lady defend people from Austin? Whatever happened, we are mostly sweet and laid-back here, I promise!!


Yep - happens to everybody in some form or another, and don't let anybody tell you any differently. I like how the other table applauded, rather than freaking the fuck out on you.


DUDE!!! Poor Jason. ROFLMAO!!


When I was 9 mo. pg with my daughter I locked my 2 sons in the running car in their car seats. (100+ degrees out, started it to cool it off) Luckily, my hubs had put a magnetic key thing under the car earlier in the week (I did this once b/4 but with dogs). So there I am i all my about-to-give-birth glory wriggling on the ground trying to find this thing. Not one, not two, but FOUR different people stopped to ask if I needed help. Very embarrassing.


I never left my baby in, because about the time she was born, there was an incident that was played up in the local media where some poor woman was trying to arrange all her offspring in the back seat and left the newborn in the car seat on the ROOF of the car while she belted in the older ones. Then she drove off. Oops. Baby flew off the car, landed in the middle of the intersection, still strapped in and completely unharmed. Unfortunately for mom, she did this in full view of a passing police car. Baby was put in foster care for a couple of days while DCFS investigated mom. She was found to be completely competent, just forgetful that one time. Baby returned to her and all was well. But I was so paranoid after that day. Can you imagine explaining something like that to a police officer?


"I never left my baby IN THE CAR..." Duh. Well, as long as I'm responding to my own comment anyway, I will tell you about the incident I hold over my husband's head to this day.

I go out to the local bar (a few blocks from home) with a couple of the neighborhood moms for my first post-birth outing with the girls.

We're sitting there enjoying ourselves when my husband walks in. By himself. I, puzzled, ask him "Where's Samantha?"

He doesn't even blink. He says "She's sleeping, so I thought I'd come down for a drink too."

According to the other moms, the blood visibly drained from my face, right before I reamed him a new one in front of the entire bar.

He scuttled back home. I continued to drink. When I got home later, I reamed him ANOTHER one.

The neighborhood was still clucking about that years later.

So at least Jason forgot Noah acdidentally. My husband left our daughter by herself ON PURPOSE!


So, this one time, my daughter and I went to the grocery store. We took our time, chatting, checking out the magazines, you know, girl grocery shopping.

We come back out and go to the car and see the sleeping baby in his car seat. AHHHHHH!!!

As one person said, I was ready to turn myself in to CPS.


Ohholyshit! I think I would seriously pass out if I ever did that!! And, steak and bj day would be postponed FOREVER if my husband did it!!!


OMG! Not just your story, but all the others who have "shared" their experiences. I don't have one of my own, but I assure all that's only because I'm not a parent.)

Oh, yeah - LOL funny, because I know it's got a happy ending.


oh lord. only laughing because alls well that ends well.

plus major points to noah to sleeping through the whole thing. he is perfect.



My hubby has done that once with each kid. It IS nice to have that power over them... MWAH HA HA HAHAHAHAHA HA! (yeah, that was my best imitation of an evil laugh!)


So glad he beat you to it...dontcha just love it? 2 kids later, hubby & I each have a horror story we hold over the other's head...good times.


When I was probably... six or so? My parents both came, in separate cars, to school for my older sister's volleyball game. We lived about 20 minutes from said school.
My mom took my sister home.
My dad took my brother home.
They both thought the other one took me home.

Meanwhile I? Was wandering around the dark halls of our school crying. Looking for anyone I knew. There was a woman in the front office who let me call home, and my mom told me my dad was on my way back to get me.

She still gets mad at him when she tells that story.

So... DUDE!!! Glad Noah's fine. Hope Jason's fine.


haaaaaaaaaaaaa. stupid amnesty. That's the best thing I've ever heard. Poor Jason, at least Noah's no worse for wear.


That is effin' hilarious!

And I can guarantee that anecdote will be useful for many, many years to come. My parents have been married for 22 years (which is pretty much my age) and my mom still gives my dad hell for the time he went to the hospital with me, and when we got there, he realized he had left some papers at home. So then he went back home, and as soon as he got through the door my mom was like 'where's Lilly?', and his answer was just: 'oh, I left her at the hospital with a lady (please note it was some random lady whom he had never seen before) so I could come faster'. HE. LEFT. ME. Willingly. And, of course, he never ever did that with my younger brother or sister. Ever again. Because my mom made it very clear that he was a complete and total MORON.

Ooh! Before I forget, even though I'm late for the diaper bag thingy (I'm gone for one day and you have an Advice Smackdown and stuff!) I just need to say that the JuJuBE bags are gotta-have-a-kid-right-now-to-have-a-reason-to-get-one gorgeous! And they seem functional. Plus, now maybe you can guilt Jason into buying you one!

PS: Noah is getting cuter by the second. (Gotta love the brown nosin').


My girlie was born a week after yours and I read you all the time. My husband Ant created similar shock and mayhem at Crate and Barrel. I jumped out of the car to go to el entrance where burly guys give you your special order. As am I standing there, Ant comes sauntering up. I'm looking at him in widey-eyed disbelief. He realizes. We both giggle tentatively and he goes back to the car and then we both agree NEVER TO SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN. But of course we told everyone. Just like we told everyone the baby rolled off the ottoman while we were playing Guitar Hero on the PS2.


I've done that. I've also driven off with 2-month old daughter in her carseat BUT the straps completely unbuckled. I am too easily distracted for this whole parenthood gig.


I left Madeleine in her playpen one morning, sucking on a bottle, and drove to work. I called Roger, hoping he remembered her, and oh-so-casually inquired, "Say, did you remember to pack her extra diapers WHEN YOU DROVE HER TO DAYCARE THIS MORNING?" (cough, cough) He said, suprised, "Why sure I remembered the diapers!"

Then I exhaled.


Probably not so funny to the sleeping people in my house when I bust out laughing at 1:20 in the am huh? :)

TOTALLY freakin hilarious. Also exactly what I'd do to my dh if he did that with my kids.


OMG, you all make me feel so much better! I felt kinda weird because I go through my mental checklist before leaving the house and it seriously has to include, "put baby in truck".

Amy, I am so glad Jason did it first!

Glad all is well, but TOO funny.


So funny! I'm so glad your putting together a shopping guide. I've been suckered into trying to et pregnant again, with the promise of an unlimited nursery budget (this is wise, I know). Please include strollers in your list. xoxo


omg, you are SET FOR LIFE. you can never do anything that stupid so no matter how much you screw up, you always win! ha!!!


When my son was around 2, I started driving off with him in his carseat, but not buckled in. Luckily, he was old enough to inform me of this before we got too far.:)

wayward goddess

My husband dropped our youngest whenhe was 10 mths old and broke his arm. I hold that one over his head all the time. Anytime he dares say anything about anything I say "Well at least I didn't break any of the kids"

But, the funniest story ever is the time my daughter was 3 and SHE locked ME in our starage building. Then she couldn'tget the latch unlocked. I had my phone with me and had to call 911 to get me out.


Hi Amy,
I've been reading for awhile but this is my first post. That was a hilarious (since it ended well) story that reminded me of something that I've for some reason buried deep in my mind! My husband put our oldest son (he was 2 at the time)in the car one evening to go out to dinner. We drove to the end of our street and made a left. We hear a "thud". Turns out my husband and put the carseat in the car but forgot to buckle it in. My son was buckled in his carseat which was now on it's side in on the seat. Oh well, he's 4 now and seems to be no worse for the wear.
Also, Noah is adorable.


I'm 5 months pregnant so I don't have any of these stories yet (though I'm sure I will), but several years ago my friend was home alone with his daughter and also his cousin's baby who was the same age (about 2.5 years old). He left the babies playing in the house, and went to the back yard to smoke pot. He heard the phone ringing, and it was the police. The kids had gone out the front door and were walking down the street when a nice lady picked them up and drove straight to a police station. I'm not sure how the police found the right phone number, but he never had to babysit again after that. dumbass.

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