I'm Out
February 28, 2006
So I haven't written about breastfeeding for awhile. I bet whole dozens of you are wondering how that's going.
Behold! The contents of my garbage bin!
I find it always makes trash day EXTRA SPECIAL to toss out several hundred dollars worth of breastfeeding paraphernalia in one grand, sweeping gesture.
(Okay, maybe I saved the unopened breastmilk storage containers.)
(And the Avent pump.)
(And maybe I have not actually thrown any of this stuff out yet, but simply moved it out of my kitchen cabinets and into a box, a box that is now sitting in our foyer, where it can either be taken to the trash room or scuttled upstairs to the storage area, and it awaits its fate with great fear and trembling.)
ANYWAY, the point is that breastfeeding is over for us.
When I was pregnant, I planned to nurse my baby for six months. Then reality set in, and reality was a SOUL CRUSHING BITCH, but I pledged to nurse him for six weeks, bloody thrush nipples and nursing strikes be DAMNED. And after six weeks I decided to shoot for six more weeks.
By the time Noah was 12 weeks old he'd completely outgrown my punkass supply, but the timing seemed wrong to quit right as he started daycare. And because I always sort of viewed breastfeeding not so much as a parenting choice, but as something I MUST CONQUER AT ALL COSTS. I WILL MAKE YOU MY BITCH. I SHALL NOT BE OUTWITTED BY A COUPLE OF LITERAL BOOBS.
I had a few blissful weeks there where everything seemed to work. We had our rhythm and our routine and there was enough milk and no pain and I started dreaming of nursing until Noah's first birthday...or beyond! Because I've won! I've fought through it all and come out the other side, to that alternate universe where my toddler asks for some fries with that, where "that" equals my boobs, my fabulous, life-sustaining boobs.
And then my milk dried up. Just like that.
One morning I woke up and there was just nothing there. Noah pulled away in disgust and howled until I gave him a bottle.
I still kept trying. I'd admittedly gotten a little reckless with my supply and lazy about pumping during the day, so I figured if I just pumped more and popped some extra fenugreek my milk would come back.
My milk never came back. Noah never latched on again. My period started on Friday.
It's over.
Emotionally, I'm all over the place about it, which is fine, since there's not a damn thing to be done about it and being resigned and in tune with my neatly organized emotions doesn't really serve any purpose.
I guess I expected Noah to make the decision not to breastfeed anymore, or that reaching the magical "six months" number would make it easier to let myself quit.
I guess I didn't expect the final days of breastfeeding to be so strange and fumbling. I didn't expect him to adapt so quickly to the fact that Mama is not where his food comes from.
I didn't expect to feel like I could have done something more, even though I fought through weight loss, low supply, raging hormones, crunchy burnt toast point nipples, thrush, nursing strikes, supplementation and pumping woes. I didn't expect to feel like I still failed somehow.
I guess I expected that at some point, the guilt would go away. That it would just be enough to have tried.
I did try, baby. Please don't look at me like that.
(((hugs))) Just (((hugs)))
AND!!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm first.
Bah. It was enough that you tried. Shit. It still would have been enough even if you HAD NOT tried.
Be gone, The Guilt.
Oh, such a beautiful boy. Don't beat yourself up about the boobie issue.
The last caption killed me. I haven't been there, but I felt your pain. Thank you for sharing it and getting it "out there."
Hey. It's ok. It's ok. You know? I mean, just look at him. Unless you're photoshopping his glowy chubbiness, you've done - and continue to do - beautifully.
Just think of all the mommas out there to whom breatfeeding comes easily, but don't expend one tenth of the energy and love that you do on your baby. Would Noah be better off with a momma like that? Nope. He's better off with you, who will always do your best from him. Your best is better than good enough. Just look at him.
please dont beat yourself up. you did the best you could and that is good enough. i breastfed a a little longer than you did with my son (who is now a monster 14 month old) and beat myself up enough for the 10 people when i stopped. he is happy and healthy and so is Noah so please be kind to yourself about this. there is no right or wrong way to parent. I am slowly learing this...s-l-o-w-l-y
I have so been there too, thanks for writing about it. I nursed all three of my kids for varying lengths of time but it didn't matter - when I decided to quit with each of them (for varying reasons) I felt as upset and depressed as I ever have. My husband thought I was crazy but the guilt was overwhelming. It will get better.
i remember those days. i remember my girls not seeming to miss the nursing when it was over. like they both just decided to 'call it quits' on their own,and i remember feeling sad. and then relieved a little and then sad again.
and the failure thing...it seems like no matter what it is we moms do,what painstaking lengths we go for the good of our babies, we are always feeling like failures for one thing or another! i hate that! you did good amalah, you did good!
Noah is looking more like you every day :)
I don't need to tell you that he got the most important benefit of the breastfeeding from you months ago, and obviously he is in no way failing to thrive, breastmilk or no. He wants polenta, Amy! with herbs! You did a great job for as long as you could, and there is no need for any guilt.
You are wonderful.
dude.
no beating yourself up. you accomplished more than most.
hell, 3 days is enough to give him immunities that he never would've gotten from formula.
you did your best, noah loves you.
now move on.
cause you rock :)
somehow? i think he will be able to forgive you, what with the FUN, COOL, and completely BLOGGABLE mommy he will have. ;)
but yes, save the boobies, indeed.
Dude, Noah is like the size of a 7-month old, so it's kinda like you breastfed him until he was more than 6 months old, right? I mean, let's say your boobs don't know his age, but they know how big he is and what he eats... maybe they thought they met your goal already.
(Clearly, I know nothing of this stuff...)
You made a valiant effort. Thanks for sharing the reality of breastfeeding- that it's not always as easy as it seems on TV.
"I didn't expect him to adapt so quickly to the fact that Mama is not where his food comes from."
That made my heart hurt. Be strong sweetie. You just gotta remember there are much more important aspects of being a good mommy than breastfeeding and you are excelling at them.
I could tell you how you did your best and you shouldn't feel guilty until the cows come home, but it won't do a bit of good until you believe it. It took me a while to believe it too, after I dried up and blew away.
I will say though, it's very hard for me to feel sorry for poor, pale, undernourished little Noah when he is obviously getting his share and some other little kid's share too.
He's just not getting it from your boobs.
Which? Is ok, apparently.
(you know that the 'poor, pale, undernourished' part was loving sarcasm, right?)
I stopped at 8 weeks and my boy could not have cared less. He's growing and thriving (as is yours) and THAT is what matters.
*patpat* You done good, Mama. This is just the first in a long string of Mommy Guilt hurdles to be cleared. Not because you did anything wrong, but because it's in the nature of motherhood to second guess EVERYTHING. You did not fail that gorgeous baby, nor will there be any shortage of opportunities to feel like a failure as he grows. Pace yourself. ;)
You beat me by 6 weeks, so you DO WIN!
Hang in there girl. You've done fine and he sure looks fine!!!
::applause::
You done good, Mom. It will be ok.
My son Alex was born, 6 weeks early, on Oct 2. I have since discovered your site and devoured your archives -- it's hilarious to me to see how parallel a lot of my stuff is to yours, including the aquarium bouncy seat, the footie pyjamas, the same Freddie the Firefly toy, the editing career, etc. Alex couldn't leave the hospital until he could eat from a bottle, every 3 hours, for 2 days straight. We were supplementing and I was being encouraged to breast feed, too, and I pumped diligently. I had two lactation consultants come out and had every possible device latched, attached, and even TAPED to my boobs, but I never made enough milk or had the right nipple shape for Alex. And the day I sent back the goddamn pump (when Alex was 8 weeks old, imagine the SHAME and GUILT OMIGOD) I did a Snoopy dance of amazing proportions. I tried my best, I did my best, and I know that Alex will be fine with my best and a lot of formula (born at 5 pounds, 3 ounces, at less than 5 months he's 17 pounds, 6 ounces TODAY), so it is what it is. As my mom told me, the nature of motherhood is to feel guilty about what you're doing and what you're not doing instead, so get over it and have fun. And that's what we do. That's my long way of telling you that I empathize with you and hope you feel better about it as the days go by and you see Noah grow and be happy and loved.
God Lord Woman, you've done it for this long. GO. YOU. Really. clap clap clap clap clap.
I've gleaned from the blog (because I'm clever that way with the reading comprehension and whatnot) that you really don't need us chattering nincompoops to make you feel good about yourself. Buuut. . .GO. YOU.
Anyone who has ever hooked herself up to a breastpump has wondered "why the hell am I doing this when perfectly wholesome formula is available?" Because, dammit, it hurts. A lot. And it's annoying and inconvenient and soul-sucking. But we believe the hype about it being good for our babies so we do it. And you've done it for what, (searching. . .math. . .hard) five months? That's SUPER.
(again with the clapping)
Don't feel bad momma. You did awesome. I mean, look at how cute he looks! Are the boobies weirdly deflated now? Cause mind are. It's mushy like it's filled with cottage cheese. So odd.
Someone just commented on my own blog that only one in six women make it to six months. It's way harder than They ever let on.
Also: second hand breast pumps are sold in baby consignment stores! I know, gross! But maybe you could sell yours isntead of scuttling it into storage and enable the purchase of a fab new dress because you deserve it.
Could you donate all that Breast feeding stuff to a womans shelter or someplace like that.
Seems like a waste to trash it, when it could give someone else the opportunity to feel nipple pain as well.
Hugs! I can only imagine how you feel! I have been breastfeeding for 6 weeks now and have gone through most of the same problems that you did and loved how much detail that you posted and that I wasn;t the only one that struggled with breastfeeding. It seems like my daughter and I have finally clicked with breastfeeding, but I am still having to supplement because my milk is not "fatty" enough. I am still struggling with the pump though- it strangles me and hurts so bad that I am scared to use it again, but I have to try something because I go back to work in 6 weeks. Also, did you boobs hurt before the milk was dried up? hugs!
I think it is hard to be done nursing at any point. I don't think there is a time where it is easy to do it. You gave it your best shot and your baby boy is gorgeous. You have nothing to feel bad about!
I would quit worrying about the breast feeding stuff. That you managed it at all is Gold-Medal worthy, in my book.
Give yourself a huge pat on the back for what you and Noah did accomplish. I think you three, actually, are doing great. We are all rank amateurs when it comes to first children. The cure for that is having another child. Then you are a Professional Parent and feel completely qualified to give complete and total strangers, on other continentants, no less, unsolicited advice.
Been there. Hugs to you.
Wow - that is a milestone, if unexpectedly reached. I'm sorry you find yourself feeling guilty, like you could have done more. But as I finished your post and looked at that sweet boy's face, I thought, "What a great thing Amalah has done in creating that cute turtle face!" So, totally not to dismiss your feelings, but on the bright side: wow -- what a great thing you HAVE done! Good job!! :)
That is all.
P.S. And of course I wrote that without seeing your caption... :(
I interpret that look as "I am a satisfied and healthy turtle boy."
Amy, look at how healthy, cute, smart he is! Oh yes, the formula is really holding him back! Not!
Breastfeeding is hard, breastfeeding when you work full time is near impossible. My daughter is 18 months, I still breastfeed, I still work full time, but I also believe you do whatever you humanly can and then forget the rest. You have done all you can, more than most people ever try. I say, dump the damn pump, now go out and buy yourself a nice diaper/work tote that does not have to have room for the soul sucking pump.
Look, dude, I know that this means nothing, given that I have never breastfed nor had kids, but I guess I just figure this:
You're a good mom. You love him dearly dearly dearly, some might say to bits and pieces. He is happy, healthy and thriving with two supercool parents. I guess I just feel like the breastfeeding nazis, while serve their purpose, sometimes overshoot the mark when they make parents - wonderful moms - like you feel guilty by way of overinformation.
You are a good mom. Noah loves you. Feed formula guilt-free, along with hummus, olives and spices and WHATEVER you want.
To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump! Toss it... unless you plan to have another cutie like Noah. :)
I was so happy to have had 2 weeks of nursing with my son. He was such a good nurser, I just did not create milk, no matter what I did. I had an even worse time with my first child. It was so hard to "give up". Be glad for all the wonderful nursing moments, it means more to you both than you can imagine!
It'd be easy for me to say "don't feel guilty" and be done with it. But we're women, we're Moms and the guilt always finds a way. Even though Noah is delicious and healthy, and you did your best, and that kid is damn lucky to have a Mommy like you.
Three and a half years later, I STILL feel guilty over not overcoming the latch-on problems with The Boy and having to nurse AND pump for 5 months. Ick.
Things seems to be going much better the second time around with The Mouse (now 3 1/2 months), but I am bracing myself for ultimate failure. My LC yells at me for lacking confidence but the guilt from The Boy keeps me from celebrating my [supposed] success.
When will we learn? ::sigh::
Please don't feel bad for something that's not your fault. Please!?
Every mother does her best. For every good mother? That's enough. You're a good mother, and the kid will grow up just fine, boobs be damned.
The caption should read, "Don't look at me like that, Mom. Just pass me the nachos."
HUGE kudos and ZERO guilt for sticking it out through all that stuff. I hope you will be able to be proud of how long you were able to breastfeed, instead of disappointed that you couldn't continue.
Other commenters have said it, but I'll say it again anyway because I'm dull like that -- Noah is the picture of health and happiness. You're doing an awesome job.
Don't beat yourself up! You did amazingly well considering how fucking painful breastfeeding can be in the beginning. Noah is doing great and will continue to flourish from your loving parenting. Yeah I got my period recently, too...not quite as fun when I'm not on the pill. It lasted like 14 days! fuck! Now go squeeze that little man for me!
Oh, the memories of guilt! Why do we do this to ourselves? When my son was about three months old, I had to go back into the hospital for a raging uterine infection, could no longer breastfeed due to massive amounts of antibiotics. Always had to supplement him anyway, finally had to stop altogether. Oh, the tears! The gnashing of teeth! The wailing that I had somehow failed my boy! I had nursed my daughter til she was old enough to ask for it, so I really felt as though I had set up some sort of Mommy favoritism that would somehow scar him for life....He survived, he just turned 15 last week, he's fine! Still loves me too!
You're doing a great job, and your baby is thriving beautifully!
Didn't read all the comments, cuz dang! But I am there with you, girl, but in a different way. I decided that Miss93rdPercentileInWeight was done with breastfeeding after the appearance of not one, but two, TEETH. After getting bit and yanked on by the JAWSOFLIFE at 2am, breastfeeding loses all its Madonna & Child aura. She's been eating solid food and taking bottles fine along with bf'ing, so I thought, "No big. I want my boobs back before they officially sag to the floor." She has adapted well, but when she's tired, she still makes the boobie dive bomb and doesn't understand why she gets a mouth fulla shirt. But now, we are back to the wake up three or more times in the night because my mom is depriving me somehow and I will grow up to rob convenience stores for drug money thing. Never let anyone say that motherhood is not without fun...or without guilt...but it is without sleep...
Hey...congrats on lasting that long. I lasted 8 weeks, and I brag about that.
Congratulations on sticking it out...and celebrate having your body back with a big fat glass of wine!!
In the immortal words of Dave Barry, "Crunchy Toast Point Nipples" would be a really good name for a rock band.
Would you criticize another mom for ending the breastfeeding? Will you harp on Noah when he only hits a triple, not a homerun? Why beat yourself up when you have done your best?
Because your gut is at work here, not your logic. Ain't NOTHING logical about being a mom.
But we in Internetland think you rock, and obviously your son, husband and pursedog think so, too, which is most important.
Re-read Mir's post. And go have a bottle of wine.
My milk supply dried up too, even after taking Fenugreek and smelling like maple syrup all of the time. I know what you mean. :-)
So, the period started again, eh? Are you starting to think about having another?
And by "another", I mean "margarita" (purely for medicinal purposes of course.)
My mother breastfed me until I was over the age of one, and still regales me with stories of the "brown jug" during family get togethers. God.
And from the looks of the cutest baby ever, he seems to be just fine. Of course, that doesn't mean you're going to stop feeling guilty, but at least you have some assurance that he's a-ok.
I've got 20 years on you in the mom-ing business. Let yourself feel sad for the next few days and then move on -- do yourself the favor of moving on.
Parenting is all about exploding our expectations.
I breastfed Youngest (since these comments are all ABOUT US) until he was about 3 months old. Then he turned his little head away and never breastfed again --
turned out he has a partial facial paralysis and couldn't manage it anymore.
who knew?
who knows anything?
he is gorgeous and looks happy and healthy. (Noah that is, although Youngest is pretty damn cute.)