Noah's Birth Story: The Director's Cut
Attack of the Blog Babies!

Intermission

Oh Internetweb, I know. I know!

Work is crazy, home is crazy, and today I'm home with the boy in some kind of horrific work-from-home scenario that combines the craziness of both home AND work to create a SUPER CRAZY, and the crazy, she is me.

For example, I call this photo Me Learning My Damn Lesson:

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Parenting Lesson #2847997: Three seconds after you lay your child down on a specially-created expanse of blankets and surround him with toys, he will immediately hurl himself in the opposite direction towards the hardwood floors, upon which he will smash his head and scream. And screeeeeam, and his screams will hurt your HEART because you are a very, very stupid person.

Solution: couch cushions! There is no way he will break through their impenetrable seal, leaving you free to hit the bottle in another room.

(Now, if anyone has a solution to Parenting Lesson #2847998, which is that three seconds after your child smashes his head on the floor, you will smash his head on the refrigerator handle in a frantic dash for a bottle, causing more screaming and the feeling that Jesus Christ, this kid is really better off in daycare, I would be grateful.)

In sum: The Advice Smackdown is coming, but probably not today. Because I'm too busy crackin' skulls and takin' names over here.

In the interim, please to enjoy the delicious yet sort-of disturbing Turtle Crawl.

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His head-holding-up skillz, they are mad.

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Although he would kind of like to smear mucus on that toy over yonder.

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The turtle, having spotted a delicious firefly, attempts to move towards it.

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There is no need for him to look at his prey, for he moves entirely on instinct.

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With much effort comes much drooling.

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So close, yet so far.

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Defeat.

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And for a nearby hyena, dinner.

Comments

S.

I can hear the hushed tones of the wildlife commentator. I, too, have often felt that the daycare provider is obviously much better at looking after the kids than I am. I mean, they have TRAINING. I'm just a mom. What the hell do I know?

Lost A Sock

Hysterical!

And very sorry to hear about his poor little head. I wish I had the answers for you, and then I too, would never do it again.

green_canary

Has there ever been a more adorable child?! I want to chew on his cheeks!

xtine

I absolutely adore his crooked smile. What a heartbreaker!

janet

I just smashed my daughter's head on the door of the van this morning trying to get her into her carseat. And she rolled off the bed twice. She is almost 2 now, and it is a miracle she has made it this far! Don't feel too bad, they're more resilient than they look.

HollowSquirrel

stinkin' hilarious. Love the wacky crawl/lunge. How did you get him to like tummy time?

Amytoo

I would never get any work done at home. Too many distractions and all I have is pets, not even a cute baby.

Bozoette Mary

Wait until he rolls under the couch. You will wish you had sprayed him with Endust, so as to at least get the floor clean.

Jessie

I love, love, love the kind of smirk on his face in the second picture. And the cute bald head. Good luck with the rest of your work at home/deal with home stuff day!

blackbird

this is just too too pitiful for words.

jessica

I am not sure that there has ever been, or will be, a more perfect little baby.

PaintingChef

So deliciously National Geographic! I can practically hear the background wilderness music!

Big Gay Sam

I used to babysit my nieces and nephews (keep in mind it's a Mormon family. LOTS of nieces and nephews)and there were several times I had to pick the baby up off the floor. The older siblings would push the baby off the couch to make more room for themselves.

Babies are tough. They can take a few bumps and bruises. :P

Lilly

He is way too friggin' beautiful!

And don't worry, kids are incredibly resilient. I can't count the amount of times my best friend's little girl (who is now two years old) has had her head smashed against a wall, the floor, a door, a lamp (yup, that was stupid ol' me), and she's still alive, and as normal as your average two-year-old.

I do, however, fear the day I have a kid of my own. Please pray for my unborn children.

Heather B.

classic Amy...that was fucking hysterical.

Amy

Didn't you say the other day that your Advice Smackdown was going to be on Fridays now? So, in that case - you are a DAY EARLY!! Woo hoo!

Kelly

For what it's worth, my 18mo son has hit his head enough times (constantly) that he's now almost immune to head trauma. AND he only cries when he really *really* means it, so it's worked out well for all of us. The brain damage, I'm sure, is minimal enough. ;)

Loocy

Ok, in that first photo in the set, I swear I had that exact same pose for my senior photos, only instead of a nice, soft baby blanket, it was itchy grass I got to lay in.

So. Cute.

Sarah

The dents in his skull will give him character!

JP

Noah's facial expression in the first crawling photo is too precious and edible and perfect. He's too darn awesome for his own good.

Mabel

He's getting so big! It's amazing.

I hit my head at least once a day. Like clockwork (today was the door handle to the closet). If anyone can teach me not to do that, I'll be incredibly grateful.

Cara

Fabulously funny post. Keep the couch cushions handy when for when he decides to roll off the sofa.

dylansmom

I wish I had a solution to your parenting lesson #2847998, but I have my own problems. . . I'm looking for a solution to lesson #4260501: how to get a 9-month-old boy to go to sleep when he gets up at 1AM and decides that he will be quiet nowhere except in Mommy's arms, until she finally gets so frustrated that she puts him in the crib, screaming and all, until the 3rd attempt at letting him "cry it out" (despite her promise to herself that she will never, ever do that) appears to work. This occurs at 4AM, at which time Mommy wonders if there's any point in trying to sleep anymore.

Oops. Sorry for the rant. But I knew you and many of your readers would understand. And I'm f*ing tired today, so therefore refuse to be held responsible for my actions. ;-P

Oh, almost forgot--nice post, and great pictures. Noah looks like he'll figure out that crawling thing anytime now. And THEN you'll have some stories! (and he'll have more bruises, but they'll heal)

Sarcomical

ew. mucous.

but still. sweet baby cheeks.

Y

OMG! Your blankets are not color coordinated and they do not match.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.

Megan

If it's any consolation, my little brother had 9 concussions and 3 skull fractures by the time he reached high school (talk about accident-prone, and don't think for one second that my parents didn't get checked out a couple of times), and he's perfectly fine now that he's in his mid-twenties.

Your commentary cracks me up. He almost looks like he's doing the Worm.

Sabrina

Great pictures! I do the couch pillow thing too. Usually it's me walking around though bumping his head into the doorway that hurts him more than falling or rolling over on the hard floor!

lizardek

*head down on desk, sobbing with laughter*

Erica

Love the "butt in the air" pic. I never learned to crawl and scooted everywhere on my butt until I saw another baby crawl one day and tried to do it with less-than-stellar results. Noah is obviously a genius for inventing a new form of locomotion.

Chessie_ND

Long time lurker, first time poster. GAWD you are funny! Loooove the baby.

dawn

Oh, Amalah, you crack me up.

honestyrain

oh that little tiny head. he is working so hard. he is so close. yet, also, of course, so far. the child needs many many kisses on the top of that lovely head and i'm sure he gets every one that he deserves.

why don't they make couch cushions a little firmer for pity's sake.

nice to see you at my blog yesterday via lovely commentary. you never realize just how much you will talk about bodily functions once you become a parent. ha. it becomes the mainstay of your conversational life.

emma

The turtle crawl is so adorable! Can't wait until the boy starts his first wobbly steps to walk!!

Jamila

oh, poor little Noah-head! It makes me laugh that you call him the turtle. My little brother had the same turtle-face and we always called him the Turtle. When I learned French in high school and became snooty, I started calling him "Tortue" and that has stuck with my whole family. The poor kid is now 26, a freaking NAVY FIGHTER PILOT, and we all still call him Tortue or Tort exclusively.

Consumerism is the solution to all parenting problems - www.floornanny.com

Rhinestone Cowgirl

Thanks for making my otherwise crappy day better with the pictures of your adorable baby. He's so cute!

Heather B

Did he fall asleep on the way to the delicious firefly?

because that is too cute.

stephanie

That turtle crawl cracks me up. From the pics it looks like he crawls on all fives -- two legs, two arms, and a head. Adorable.

Also, Ceiba's look in that last photo is hilarious.

Vida

I am so very very sick with the horrible cough from Hades itself, and YOU! You made me laugh, and now the cough, it is killing me. But I am also still laughing. And coughing some more. Please don't make me laugh so hard again. Thank you.

Silly Hily

HA! That was great! Poor little booga! Bless his heart. (about not being able to get to his toy yet....don't worry, his head will be fine and there will be many, many more bumps and bruises to come!)

Jo

Try not to worry too much about the head thing, it won't be the last time! My daughter used to hit her head on things to get my attention (after I figured out the fake crying thing) and she is working out just fine. A little melodramatic but fine.

I absolutely loved the pics. LOL!

Peyton

So funny! And their heads are suprisingly resilient.

I am at home (sort of working) with my sick 1 year old. Would that she were a sick 4 month old. Sigh.

wordnerd

Ooooooo, baaaaaad mama...
Okay, just had to mess with you when you least felt like being messed with...
Guess what? They are virtually unbreakable!

Patchie

Wait till your precious child rolls off a piece of furniture--like, say, the insanely high-off-the-floor bed--onto a hardwood floor. You will feel like a horrible piece of scum, and within a few minutes the child will have forgotten it all and be lurching towards the next toy he sees.

Oh, and the first time the child learns the cat has pointy ends. That's always a lot of fun.

Betsy

One word......Exersaucer. Keeps them upright, arms free, and contained. Love that!
He's a doll!

betsy

...oh, and it's a giant ugly piece of plastic. Oh well. It keeps them contained!

Nicole P

You crack my shit up. Love the second pic where Noah is all "Whaz up suckas?"

Margarita Mama

wow, you really did give birth to a 2 month old. He is so advanced in his attempts to creep around on the floor. Look out, I have a friend who's daughter began walking at 8 months! I never would have thought it possible if I hadn't seen it myself.

Sarah

delurking to say: HIGH-larious!

Mir

Hey, at least he moves FORWARD. I have an awesome sequence of Chickadee pictures (nothing similar, with Monkey, because who takes pictures of the SECOND kid?) where she's aiming for a toy but crawling backwards and getting OH SO PISSED. She ended up stuck halfway under the bed, and I just kept taking pictures. Ah, the good ol' days.

Yesrie

I think what Mom always said is true: babies are made of hard rubber :>

Noah's adorable, and your commentary is hilarious.

Also, LMAO at Mir's anecdote! Sometimes you just have to step away from maternal comforting and get that snapshot, heh.

E.A.P

I was busily constructing a serious post for my own site and I just had to have a break. As usual, Amalah has JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED. Kiss your precious, feral, blanket-eschewing peanut for me.

halloweenlover

The defeat picture is so sad, it breaks my heart. Poor little guy. I'm so sure he keeps wondering why the little butterfly keeps getting farther and farther away!!!

Alison

He is so beautiful. And your comments are so hysterical.

When I was a baby, my first accident happened when I fell headfirst out of my stroller. Then my mom dropped the shampoo bottle on my head.

I think this explains why I walk into doorframes when I'm flustered.

Bella

Yeah, we are dumbasses too who don't have an inch of carpet in our house! So I can relate to this post.

Stacie

Some days I feel like we all come here for group therapy- reassurance we're all on the same level in parenting. Anybody else ever carefully buckled their precious infant into the carrier, positioned the carrier in the car, facing the correct direction, buckled the other darling into the seat next to the baby, driven an hour home and realized, as you're pulling in the driveway that your older child has shoved the infant carrier all the way sideways into the passenger side door, leaving the baby helplessly staring at you, because munchkin wanted the M&M she saw underneath the carrier, and YOU the trusted PARENT, accidentally buckled the carrier to the wrong buckle and it didn't stay snapped.

Grrrr. Somedays you just feel hopeless.

But truthfully, we get away with these things because the babies are too little to remember them.

Except for Noah, because one day he'll google his name and find this list of tragedies, and end up needing major counseling.

Love ya. Keep up the good work.

Stephanie

this blog is the best and your son is the cutest thing eva! :)

Sarcastic Journalist

Poor boy. He wants that toy. GIVE HIM THE TOY, YOU MEAN MOMMY!!!! haha. Nah, just take pictures. it's better.

RockStar Mommy

Mine is doing the same and it's driving me CRAZY! THE BOYS! THEY START MOVING SO QUICKLY! My daughter was like a lump that just sat there until like 7 months old and she would just crawl around in little circles and then stop learn spanish or watch Barney. Now, this little 5 month old baby can pull himself 11 ft (I MEASURED!) across the room in a matter of seconds. And when he starts rolling? HE CAN NOT BE STOPPED! Yesterday, he rolled right into the TV stand. I pulled him back into the middle of the room and then he tried to roll under the couch. I am DOOOOOOOOMED!

bad penguin

For a second there, I thought that was the little stuffed crinkly bug toy I gave you, and I was all excited "Noah likes the thingy!" Except then I thought no, maybe it was a different kind of bug. Or a smaller one. Either way, I love the photo essay.

Sara

The docudrama of the Turtle and the Firefly is probably the best thing I have seen all week! Hilarious.

Amalah

Bad Penguin: I cannot even TELL YOU how much Noah loves the crinkly bug toy you gave him. It was the first toy he showed any interest in, and it's the only thing that keeps him happy in his carseat except for a certain annoying rattle that one of our other coworkers gave him that plays "The Wheels on the Bus."

Over. And over. And over.

Anyway, the other crinkly bug toy stays in the carseat because I could not deal with the wrath if I accidentally left it at home.

Lisa B

I LOVE that post. And many of us moms have been there -- where we wonder if we should just put a damn helmet on the child already. They cry. You feel like total shit. They get over it. And you feel like you should win "Crappy mom of the Year" award. (Course, these days, its lookin' like Mrs. B Federline's got that one in the bag!)

Oh and as always. LOVE the Noah pics.

NattyChick

Awwww, what a tragic little hyena-hunted turtle. I can so relate to his defeat though. I get awfully dejected when I cannot control my limbs enough to just get that damn rum and coke already!! OK, so I may have had enough by that time.

Genevieve

Noah! Watch the keppe!

sweetney

dude, there's nothing worse than when the interweb makes you feel guilty. SO. BEEN. THERE.

like as women and ESPECIALLY as mothers we don't have enough to fucking fret and feel guilty about.

i hereby absolve you from all internet duties until such time as you actually HAVE the time.

BY THE POWER OF HAYZEUS (or Grayskull), HEALED!

Missie

Doesn't that head down in defeat pose just make your heart break? My girlie (7mo) does that and rubs her face back and forth on the carpet, blanket, burp rag, whatever and just SCREAMS at the unfairness of it all. Those last photos just made me want to pick him up and give him kisses. Poor turtlecrawlyman. I wuv him.

Missie

And in the second pic? His little expression seems to say, "Um, you had cause to doubt my brilliance why? Peasant."

Jamie

Noah is just a little delicious candy wrapped in green automobile jammies.

As an non-parent, I'm curious -- Do you ever feel jealous of all the attention? I'm not making any assumptions about your personality, but I can't imagine it's easy to know that people now come over to see the baby (and potentially not so much YOU or Jason), and so many readers maybe aren't as entertained by your stories that don't include Noah.

How do you reconcile yourself to that? Or is this a question that I'll have answered for me the minute I give birth?

Catherine

"Docudrama of the Turtle and the Firefly" -- love it, Sara. And Amy, your captions are perfect. So funny!

LotionBarBunny

I think I am peeing myself laughing!!!!!

lumpyheadsmom

Solution to Parenting Lesson #2847998: hold baby upside down while scampering to get bottle.

I have no solution to Parenting Lesson #(I'm unfamiliar with your numbering system, I'm new here): When baby is held upside down, particularly by the feet, you are likely to drop him. Go figure.

Becca

Delurking to make my very first Amalah dot com comment to say that the first pic in the montage, of Noah's mad head holdin' up skillz, he looks like a little homeboy. Or a little Cockney newspaper saleboy or shoeshine boy.

"Shine yer shoes, mistah? Sixpence for the pair!"

...Am dork. Am huge huge dork.

mom101

After dropping our baby 5 times in 7 months, the only damage is that she seems to be babbling in tongues now.

reluctant housewife

You are hilarious!

Jonniker

Dude, this was priceless. I hear the commentary loud and clear.

Wacky Mommy

Cuteness of the Turtle.

cate

what a babe!

Sajilije

Recently got addicted to your blog, and now I´m an Amalah-junkie. Lovely writings. Downtoearth/real/honest life. Love it!
Kiss the baby on the bump and the dog on the leg for me.

for Joke!

Oh my god the butt in the air shots are HILARIOUS.

Laura

completely unrelated, but...

i thought of you on my way home from work yesterday. we were behind a truck that said "Caution: This Truck Makes RIDICULOUSLY Wide Right Turns". and it made me giggle, because it felt very Amalah.

Lyndie

This is my first visit to your blog and I have to say, you have made my morning. I am sitting in my dreary office LMFAO with tears streaming down my face. Thank God, I didn't have to pee. :)

Seriously, beautiful sweet baby boy!

erika

Completely hilarious. I love the last one, especially.

Alexa

He is so cute and photogenic. Who does he look the most like in your family?

Ellen

The Turtle Crawl pictures just saved my day. Thanks!

Natalie

I have to say thank you, thank you, thank you! I read your blog all through my pregnancy. My beautiful boy is now 4 weeks old. I had the delivery from hell and the weeks following from hell: bedrest before delivery, induction, emergency c-section (had the same heart beat/alarm crashing/internal monitor experience), BABY WITH A BROKEN ARM DISCOVERED THE DAY I WAS DISCHARGED (and yes they still discharged me still sick, and with a baby with a broken bone in his left bicep), immediate trip to Children's hospital, xrays, nothing-we-can-do-just-deal-with-it-babies-heal-fast, home for three days, back in hospital with horrific infection in my incision, 3 days of disgusting harsh IV antibiotics, on 3rd day at 4a nurses come in and ramp open my IVs as they "need the bed", discharged by 10a, home to bedrest with infected incision and baby with broken arm. Breast pumping but even they have now failed me even with special medication. If I have one more person commentate on why I'm not breast feeding I think I'll kill someone.

I think that about covers it. Thank you for making me laugh and more importantly being honest. It's nice to know I'm not alone out here.....

Natalie

Oh, and did I mention I own two companies and am running them from home now as well as looking after the most Beautiful Boy In The World (besides Noah)? I totally appreciate the craziness of trying to "work from home" - when you have a baby, doesn't that already count as working from home?

Amalah

Jebus God, Natalie, I'm sorry! I am going to shut up with the complaining about the lack of Cokes in the office vending machine once and for all now.

Hope you and your poor broken baby get better SOON, and also that you have plenty of wine. Because GOD.

bad penguin

Yay, Noah does like his crinkly bug toy!

And by the way, I almost cried last week when the vending machine was out of Cokes. Seriously.

Jen

Damn. The last two pictures and comments made me laugh so hard I had a coughing fit. But I soooo needed the laugh. :o) Cheers!

Liz (the crazed weasel)

my first visit to your blog, and OMFG. (The dress is gorgeous, too) but Noah! Is! So! Gorgeous! My oldest was 9 lbs 5 oz; big babies are soooo beautiful. Of course when my second was born she was 7-3, and I was like, ohmygod I have never seen a baby this small. 'Cause her sister was NEVER THAT SMALL.

Enjoy.

Ginger

I'm delurking here - don't think I've ever commented. My son is a little over 2 months old and I love reading your blog - it's like a little "preview" of life to come. Also love how you describe the dog as a "hyena." It seems like every time I mention the baby to our dog, he licks his chops. I've also seen him eyeing my boy's chubby little thighs with a look of hungry longing in his eyes. Too funny!

Michelle

Yeah, well, ya better toughen up, kid. Life is nuttin' but a series of sparkly fireflies hoverin' just outta ya reach, I tell ya. [Chomps cigar meditatively]

LCA

Did you know that if one is trying to navigate to amalah.com, ad once accidentally types "ammal.com" and hits "enter," one is directed to the homepage of an escort service site? And that's especially nto good if one is at work.

Good thing I get to see Noah's adorable yet futile crawling attempts. That makes me feel better.

LizD

Soooo cute! The baby-bio-clock within is a ticking!

Heather B

I'm pretty sure that the whole montage of Noah Vs. The Firefly Vs. DoomHyena is applicable to many situations, one of which is "Heather Vs. The Entire Week Vs. The Friday that first would not COME, and then when it did, 5pm kept cruelly moving further and further away until it seemed like a myth, or so much dust in the wind.

DeannaBanana

My GAWD that is the most effin cute baby with his little butt sticking up in the air. Already the prodigy insists the world can kiss his ass! HA!

Leslie Gabriel

Free Advice Is Worth All You Paid For It.

But, here it goes.

Boo Boo Bunnies. OK, discuss amongst yourselves.

BTW, your son is CUTE!

Jem

Before everyone on the internet began having babies, I never really knew much about them. And then today I see that picture of Noah holding his head up, and I realise that is a big achievement! I never thought about stuff like that before. And then I was all impressed with him and posted a comment here that makes no sense.

Wonderchild

Beautiful child! Amuzing blog I must say.

Kelly

YES! I may not be # 1, but I can be #100!

Just like watching the Discovery Channel. I love it.

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