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January 2006
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March 2006

I Never Told You This, But the Photographer Asked If I Was Sort Of Like JenniCam

Hey, remember when I was in a magazine? Remember when I promised I would scan and post the article after the magazine was off the newstands? Remember when I actually scanned and posted the article in a timely manner after the magazine was off the newstands? Oh. There! Now you can remember when I did that. Please look back on this past minute very fondly. (Here is a close-up of the actual article, if you can break yourselves free of the hypnotic belly and would like to read the stupid things I said.) (The ex-boyfriend-Google thing was a joke.) (Except not really.) (None of them have Googled me. None!) (I believe they are all too busy weeping over their sad and pathetic Amy-less existence to get around to it.) A few minor updates, of course: I am now 28. My hair is about six inches longer and Ceiba ate those shoes back in September. The site now gets about 4,500 unique visitors a day, many of whom seem to REALLY LIKE the refresh button. And that whole novel thing? Turns out that I have the attention span of an MTV-generation gnat and cannot seem to get past chapter five before... Read more →

Attack of the Blog Babies!

Or, Too Much Cuteness For Just One Lap: Today I had lunch with the gorgeous Cagey and Arun, The Child With All That Hair. Arun screamed, Noah puked, Cagey and I maybe possibly managed to eat an entire piece of pizza between the two of us, and then we chugged our wine and got the hell out of Dodge in a terrifying display of Why Single Mothers Deserve Medals, what with the carseats and the diaper bags and the leftover pizza boxes and the blocking of the fire exits. It was a SMASHING SUCCESS, I'd say, since I did not seem to alarm Cagey with my complete and utter loserness, like when she asked me what Jason and I do "for fun" and I just stared at her and thought about telling her about my many TiVo Season Passes. But holy crap, y'all. I got to hold TWO BABIES today. Two! Why didn't I ever think of having two? The small ones, they conspire against us, and we like it. EDITED TO ADD: You know what? Never mind. Let's just forget the whole sad, stupid thing. I'm irritated with myself for even wasting keystrokes on it, because again: Sad. Stupid.... Read more →


Oh Internetweb, I know. I know! Work is crazy, home is crazy, and today I'm home with the boy in some kind of horrific work-from-home scenario that combines the craziness of both home AND work to create a SUPER CRAZY, and the crazy, she is me. For example, I call this photo Me Learning My Damn Lesson: Parenting Lesson #2847997: Three seconds after you lay your child down on a specially-created expanse of blankets and surround him with toys, he will immediately hurl himself in the opposite direction towards the hardwood floors, upon which he will smash his head and scream. And screeeeeam, and his screams will hurt your HEART because you are a very, very stupid person. Solution: couch cushions! There is no way he will break through their impenetrable seal, leaving you free to hit the bottle in another room. (Now, if anyone has a solution to Parenting Lesson #2847998, which is that three seconds after your child smashes his head on the floor, you will smash his head on the refrigerator handle in a frantic dash for a bottle, causing more screaming and the feeling that Jesus Christ, this kid is really better off in daycare, I... Read more →

Noah's Birth Story: The Director's Cut

Part One! Part Two! And now, the extra-special bonus edition, which came to be after Amy finally got up the nerve to watch all (ALLLLL) the footage Jason shot at the hospital and realized that she got some stuff wrong and/or out of order, so today we present the Definitive Edition With All-New Appendices and Nitpicky Details. (At least up until the part where Amy started taping over things and we abruptly cut to dorky family members in dorky Christmas sweaters awkwardly waving at the camera. Basically: Amy decided she better recap whatever footage is left before she tapes over things AGAIN, perhaps with footage of her swinging an IKEA floor lamp around in order to show off her kickass lightsaber skills.) We didn't start videotaping until after my epidural, mostly because I didn't have a room during the more tolerable, camera-friendly part of labor. And even when the video starts, I'm on my side, facing away from the camera and only manage a lame thumbs-up when Jason tells me he's recording, although I distinctly remember going to give him the finger and then changing my mind at the last minute, because of the posterity of the whole thing. (Although... Read more →

Yes, I'm a Dork Who Likes To Outline Her Entries

My middle school composition teacher would be so proud! Except that this entry never made it past the outline stage, because I got bored. I. My Weekend, Which Interests You Because I Said So. A. Two amazing new tricks that Noah learned how to do, both of which caused my mother to remark that he is a much smarter baby than I ever was. 1. While I was attempting to use the dreaded Snot Sucker on him, he rolled over and away from me, while distinctly howling "MA MA MA MA MA." This probably means: a. NO NO NO NO NO, or: b. MAMA, I HATE YOU NOW AND FOREVER. 2. While surrounded by his parents and both sets of grandparents, he rolled over, pulled his knees up under himself and to everyone's horror and amazement, propelled himself forward a good six inches towards his favorite rattle in some kind of armless tadpole-crawl. a. I may have cried. b. Jason too. c. We're doomed. DOOOOMED. B. The stupid new trick that I learned how to do. 1. I recorded over most of the tape of Noah's birth and first day at the hospital with hours of exciting footage of Noah... Read more →

This is Not the Post You're Looking For

Wait, did I say something about a Friday Advice Smackdown? Um. No. No, I really don't think I did. That doesn't sound like something I would say. GAH. Noah's daycare just called and for some reason, their power is out. They've been told it will probably be back on within an hour, and right now the crockpots are still hot and the refrigerators are still cool, but if power ISN'T restored they won't be able to heat bottles or keep them cool and the babies will need to go home. I'm picturing mass hysteria, with babies crawling unnoticed from darkened rooms while warm formula festers and bubbles in the mini-fridge and teachers desperately trying to save the breastmilk and diaper pails overflowing like no-longer-dormant volcanoes because for some reason I always forget that you don't have to plug the Diaper Genie in. I don't think it's that bad (YET!), but I will probably have to leave work soon and take Noah home, which LORDY, WHAT A SHAME. To make up for it, I give you this... I'm Sweet Potato Clownface Baby! Give me some starch! We tried prunes first. Prunes did not go over well. Sorry, Dr. Poop. But sweet... Read more →


I am posting just so we can all move on and talk about something besides the dress. (From BCBG.) (Ta da!) I am very tired of talking about the dress. This happens to me a lot -- I post something, anything, whatever stream-of-consciousness claptrap that occurs to me, without really thinking it through and within 15 minutes of go-live time, I'm sick of it. So I'm all, "Okay! Shut up now!" But the Internet does not WANT to shut up, and why should it, because hell, I started it. I need a little pre-post checklist, I think. Do I really want to think about this topic over and over when I monitor comments? Do I really want to read what a hundred other people think about this topic? And then what another hundred people think about what the first hundred people think? Am I, in fact, writing a check my body can't cash? And another good question in life: Is it really a good idea to stay up until 1:30 am the night before an 8:30 am pediatrician appointment, and WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK was I thinking ordering a nine-course tasting menu with the wine pairing, which: NINE. NIIIINE. I... Read more →

The Dress That Ate The Internet

167 comments about A DAMN DRESS. Y'all are materialistic whores, is all. No. I suppose we are just girls. DRUUUUUUUUUUNK GRILS. WOOOOO. Anyway, I kept the stupid dress. Mostly because of Laura, who was all, "YOU CAN AFFORD TO STAY HOME IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO AND I HAVE LEFT THIS COMMENT 24 TIMES BEFORE, BLAH BLAH BLAH." Maybe I could. Maybe it would involve long-term sacrifices that we have decided are not right for our family. Maybhe I am bone-tired of talking about it, and wish people would understand that even though I've made my decision I still reserve the right to second-guess it and wonder what things would be like if I made a different decision, and that I AM A HUMAN BEING AND DEEPLY FLAWED AND ALSO COMPLICATED, SOMEONE WRITE A DAMN POP SONG ABOUT ME ALREADY. Anyway. FUck you, annoying people. Yes. Taht is the dress. Disappointing, no? Boobs are remarkably covered, yes? Also kind of flat. Fucking breastfeeding. I would like to point out that the little sweater thing was on sale, for 40% off. The dress was not on sale, but clearly, I can wear it all spring and summer, a hundred times at... Read more →

I Don't Care, the Dress is Totally Worth the Hatemail

So you know what sucks about being a working parent? THE WORKING PART. Like, I am not allowed to just show up and collect paychecks while spending my day telling people about How Awesome Noah Is, I Mean Really Ridiculously Awesome, Look At These Pictures, Wait, Where Are You Going? I am expected to WORK. BASTARDS. The Wednesday Advice Smackdown has been demoted to the Friday Advice Smackdown, because today and tomorrow are going to suck, work-wise, and if the vending machine guy doesn't get here soon and restock the Cokes, I may have to kill someone. Hard. Tonight we are going out for a nice dinner to mark the eight-year anniversary of our first date, mashed together with first anniversary of when we found out I was pregnant (January 23rd, by the way; would it kill you to send a card?) and also Valentine's Day. We are combining celebrations to save our babysitter's sanity, because just wait until she sees the poops this solid-food-eating baby is producing these days. HA HA! Also to save money. Except for the part where I got so excited about our nice dinner out that I bought a new dress that cost as much... Read more →