Oh, the Litigations You'll See
The Day After Tomorrow

Mercury Retrograded



A powernap might be in order about halfway through too.

So I was picked for a jury on Thursday.

I've never been picked before. The last time I had jury duty I spent about two hours in the Juror's Lounge watching Ken Burn's baseball documentary, then about 45 minutes in a hallway outside a courtroom being lined up randomly by juror number, then re-lined up even more randomly, and then we all filed into the courtroom where the defendant took one look at us and decided to plead guilty to whatever.

I don't know why. Perhaps we all just had that pro-death-penalty look about us or something.

Then I was sent home, and in a fit of goodwill towards man I donated my $4 travel fee to the city.

This time, I said I would be keeping my goddamned travel fee, thank you very much, City Who Called Me For Service While I Was On Maternity Leave And So Did Not Care About My Squawling Breastfed Infant And Only Let Me Defer Service And Promised Use Of Some Kind Of Closet For Pumping.

I also only spent about 20 minutes in the Juror's Lounge before being called to a courtroom, which was fine, because OH GOD THE ODORS, and they were STILL showing that damned baseball thing, and the TV near my seat was on the fritz, which made the documentary look exactly like scrambled porn.

This time, there was no big elaborate lining up process, as they just called our numbers and hustled us right in. And I was immediately struck with the realization that I was far too close to the front of the line, and if more than two people ahead of me were dismissed, I was going to be on the jury.

So I held out hope that there would be SOMETHING offensive about me -- did I know the lawyers? The witnesses? Had I magically become a lawyer that morning? Had Jason magically become a cop? Was one of the questions going to be about bloggers? Or about people who just really, really don't like being bored and therefore should be allowed to go home?

My only "yes" response to any of the questions was the one about being a victim of a gun-related crime, which I was, kind of, because my cat was shot by a teenager with a BB gun when I was four and it was very sad and I thought maybe the lawyers wouldn't want some girl with a pet-related vendetta against people with guns.

Unfortunately, I could not pull off acting like some girl with a pet-related vendetta. I just ended up looking like some girl who was really desperate to Not Get Picked.

I got picked. Fuckers.

The trial started late in the day on Thursday, but was then recessed until Monday morning because the judge had some kind of scheduling conflict on Friday.

So the trial will actually be a whole other entry, because today I must tell you about Friday, also known as the Day That Did Not Like Amy Very Much At All.

DISCLAIMER: You are probably going to think that I am lying. No, not probably. You are going to read this entry and go, "That Amy person is a goddamned liar."  Every person that I have told this story to has nodded politely yet incredulously, and then informed me that I am 100% full of shit, but I swear to God, every damn word of this is true.

I woke up Friday morning and broke my toe. On the vacuum cleaner. At 5 a.m.

I tripped over the vacuum and literally HEARD the little fucker crack, the same little pinkie toe fucker that I keep breaking, over and over and over, to the point of ridiculous, because at this rate, one of these days I'm going to put my shoes on and my toe will just snap the fuck off.

Anyway, some people might think that this might be a sign to go back to bed.

(Or even to go the fuck back to bed, in keeping with the near non-stop stream of profanity I've got going so far.)

But I did not go back to bed. I got up and hobbled on and put Noah in the car and drove all the way out to Maryland, pulled up to his daycare center and realized that I'd left the diaper bag, the one with all his bottles and food and other essentials, at home.

I thought about just running to the grocery store and buying some random brand of bottle and some pre-mixed formula, but then I remembered that Noah had a Poop Incident the day before, just like the day before that, and no longer had a spare outfit in his cubby.

(The increased frequency of Poop Incidents are completely my fault, as Noah needs bigger diapers, but I am stubborn and cheap and am making his daycare use that entire damn package of Size Twos before I bring in a package of Size Threes, because I said so.)

So if there was another Poop or Spit-Up Incident, they'd just make me take Noah home. I ran through my workday and remembered a meeting that I could not miss that afternoon, especially not because of POOP, and I realized that bah, I needed to go back home and get the damn bag.

So I did. I drove all the fuck back to DC.

The goddamned prep school kids had taken all the street parking, so I parked a little too close to a stop sign, ran in (well, lumbered in, with Noah, who is outgrowing clothes even faster than diapers) and grabbed the bag. Which was sitting DIRECTLY in front of the exersaucer, from which I'd plucked Noah from that morning before heading out, which meant I had to PURPOSELY SIDESTEP the bag to get to the front door.

When I got back to the car, I had a $30 parking ticket.

I drove back to Maryland.

I pulled back into the daycare parking lot.

I got out, unbuckled Noah, locked the car with the remote, gathered the bag and the baby up and shut the car door.

As it shut, for one brief split second, I saw my keys sitting on the backseat.

I locked.

My keys.

In the car.



Have y'all seen The Money Pit? Do you remember when the bathtub fell through the ceiling? And Tom Hanks just stared down through the hole in the floor and laughed like a crazy person?

That was me. Although once I got inside Noah's daycare I totally started to cry.

In a brilliant streamlining move, I'd left my purse in the car, along with my wallet and cell phone. I asked to use the daycare's phone, although I had no idea who to call. My Subaru roadside assistance card was in my wallet. Jason's number was on speed dial.

(Hi. I don't actually know my husband's cell phone number. Yes. I am not making this up. Take away my speed dial and you take away my ability to function at any passable level in the world.)

But! In the one brief shining moment! The universe decided to stop whaling on me! One of the teachers at daycare was a locksmith! She kept a slimjim in her car! They would get her for me! It was all going to be okay!

Yeah, except that she did not have the slimjim with her that day. Because she TOOK IT OUT OF HER CAR THE NIGHT BEFORE.

This time, I sort of combined the HAAAA HAAAAA HAA HA AAAAHAA laughter with sobbing.

The center directors kind of backed away from me and I never saw them again.

The teacher, however, took pity on me and called her boyfriend, who was also a locksmith, and who was only 15 minutes away and would come help me directly.

And he did, and it took both of them to unlock the car, because I couldn't remember which button unlocked the doors and once I remembered, I told them to hit the button in the wrong direction.

I don't blame the guy for charging me $20, which I paid for with three crumpled up five-dollar bills, four ones, three quarters, two dimes and a nickel I found in the ashtray.

I got to work at noon. AT NOON.

I borrowed a dollar from someone, got some Ramen noodles from the vending machine, and opened my email to read that my meeting that afternoon had been canceled.


My friend Spencer listened to my tale of woe, pretended like he TOTALLY believed all that stuff actually happened to one person, and later brought me a balloon animal to cheer me up. A balloon animal with another, tinier balloon animal inside of it.


It's a dingo. And it ate your baby.

I may still be laughing about that, a little bit.

Tomorrow: The Curious Incident of the Gun on the Floor of the Car at the Club



it's a shame I am commenter #84 -
cause you probably can't hear me laughing...
really loud laughing...
and not WITH you.
AT you.



You so should've gone back to bed.

I'm guessing your toe didn't snap the fuck right off, which, I suppose, is a good thing?

Sweet jeebus, woman.


DUDE, wow... what a day.

Breastfeeding and jury duty, together... seriously?

Whatever though, the DINGO! It ate your baby!


What a horrible day! Poor thing :) On a comlpetely unrelated note I wanted to tell you and all your loyal readers about the most awesome baby product EVER! Seriously I am not a sales person but the BUMBO rocks! Yes its called a Bumbo and its a little foam seat that a baby can sit in. My 3 1/2 month old LOVES it. We take it with us to resturants, we move it all over the house. Do a google search and check it out... Hope this week is a little better for you :)

Wicked Stepmom

After just coming home SOBBING from dropping The Boy off at his 4th day of preschool, I needed the laugh. Sorry it had to come at the expense of your misery, but... thanks. ;)


oh amalah. i needed that. :) you poor thing.

you're making me think of The Money Pit, and you, and i'm trying not to laugh my butt off. because it's your pain!!


that balloon animal is pretty slick. does he do that on a regular basis? like, keep those balloons in his desk drawer, with the pump and everything? thats so COOL!! but i think the thing inside? looks like a little round ball. in which case, i'd vote for it being a turd (or, a puffer fish?) instead of another animal. lol. (but wait, a puffer fish IS an animal...no, wait...it's an amphibian...oh holy crap...no...it's a...what's a fish??!!....wow...i feel dumb now...). but either way, it's cute. (*note to self* find out what type of animal a fish is..lol)


I can't believe you still made it to work. After forgetting the diaper bag, I would have just called in "dead" for the day.

You're my hero.

(and on a good note, I think you had all the bad things for the year happen to you in one day. So I think it's safe to say the rest of your year will be smooth sailing!)

Nothing But Bonfires

What?! Who knew there were so many locksmiths in one little daycare center in Maryland? That's bizarre! I never realized there was such a high ratio of locksmiths to regular people, OR that locksmiths had second jobs, moonlighting as as daycare workers. Is it sort of like how some people are also justices of the peace?


I have many of those kinds of day, completely sympathize.

But in the end, at least the dingo didn't eat your baby because that would have really made for a bad day!


The whole reason I got a PDA (personal digital assistant, not public display of affection) was so, when I forget my phone, I am still able to call whomever I need (because their phone numbers are in my PDA). Except that a) certain entries are woefully lacking (for example, my boyfriend, who was just a friend first and I didn't need his work number AND his cell AND his home phone) (and wouldn't it just figure that when my cell phone up and DIED Friday night, I was talking to him, and couldn't call him back to assure him I wasn't dead on the road somewhere [yes, I was talking while driving, blah blah] without the assistance of Toledo [I live in Baltimore; we met on the internet, blah blah] information [he didn't answer the home phone when I tried to call him from someone else's phone so I wanted to make sure THAT number was right] and my credit card) and b) that wouldn't have been any help at all in your situation, as the PDA would have been in the purse, in the locked car.

Once I locked my keys in the car WITH THE ENGINE RUNNING. Feel better?

Mujer Maravilla

My son has the exact same exersaucer as your son. And the exact same caterpillar your son is holding in that picture. And I got called for jury duty while I was on maternity leave and had to defer.

I swear this is true. Is it parallel lives or eerie coincidences?? (cue eerie music)

I have to report on April 3. Please pray that my day goes a little differently.


Just an observation - Noah looks sooooooo much like you in that picture!!!!!


What a shizzle of a day! Sorry 'bout that. Were you hot through most of it? Cause, it would all be way worse if you were hot and perspiring. That always sends me over the edge. Day from hell? Mostly I can handle it. Day from hell and I AM SWEATY? Forget it. Toss in the towel and just go home.
My Elliot has the same caterpillar as the one in Noah's hand- in fact, it's his favotire munch-a-munch at the moment. Hooray for munchy munchs!


Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Margarita Mama

I used to lock my keys in the car all the time that same exact way. Especially in winter, because I didn't want to put my keys into my giant winter coat pockets and not be able to find them later. Well, I stopped doing that one icy cold day when I locked my keys in my car while it was in my garage (with purse and cell phone in there, of course) and i was forced to walk down the street in the freezing cold with my baby and 4 year old, knocking on neighbors doors until I found one at home.
I believe you. I've been there and done all of that, except I work from home, so I know it must have been 10 times more awful for you!
At least you didn't lock your keys in your car with Noah inside.

Linda B

You ARE Tom Hanks in the Money Pit.


I don't know what to say at this point other than I'm glad I found this blog.


So...why wouldn't anyone believe all that happened to you? That's like, a regular day for me. Cursing is the ONLY way out of a day like that.

Laura G

Ugh, what a bad day! The parking enforcement is that area has a tendency to be Nazi-ish. Yet, why don't the prep school kids get busted? Maybe they do, but they're so rich they don't care!


He totally has your nose!!


I am so sorry! That sounds like the most shitty day ever! I know I've had days like that but not that bad and the fact that you keep breaking the same fucking toe?? OMG I can't believe that! I love the pic of you at your desk that is hilarious! Big Hugs. :)


Damn, girl. Take a day off after that one.

Jo Anna

Oh, Amy, love you, love the toe, love the dingo, love it all!!

Stay with us, girl. We need you.


LOL I just spent 45 stinkin minutes over at dcfoodies looking for a picture of Mr Amalah in order to properly determine whose likeness darling Noah most favors. (And the vote is Amy by a longshot)

Interestingly, Jason didn't fit the mental picture I had of him...I think I was picturing Chef Boyardee, but more stylish.

But this picture of Amy's dinner, ohhhhhh, it made my day. http://photos.dcfoodies.com/dsc00127.html

Absolute riot. Did you eat that? For real?

See. This is what happens when loyal dedicated readers are deprived of regular morning updates of amalah and are forced to entertain themselves ALL DAY LONG....


OH. My. GAHHHD. That is a no-good, very bad, horrible, rotten day. The good news: Since bad things happen in 3's (so they tell me) you should be a-ok for a while, having hit the major whammy of broken toe + locked out of car + absurd parking ticket + way, way way to much driving for one day + late to work all on ONE Damned day. Beware the ides of March, indeed.


Was that post from Ken a serious "you suck" comment? Over cussing? That's fucking hilarious.

Because we all know that people can't be good parents if they say the F-word. Fucking hilarious, I say!


Oh my god, those pictures MADE the entire post.

I am really sorry to hear that you had such a shitty day. I mean, that's one of the most horrifying days I've heard about in a long, long time.

Kyle (my husband, who doesn't know his own cell phone number) makes balloon animals too. The pregnant dog is one of my favorites. If I thought it would survive the trip, I would ask Kyle to make you a muscleman balloon. Extremely well-endowed too. Almost life size (the important part).


Of course I believe it. Now, if you HADN'T gotten the parking ticket I might have questioned it but, it is DC. Parking ticket capital of the world.


Delurking to say: Bwahaahaaha! The Money Pit! "Amy-amy-bo-bamy-banana-fanana-fo-famy...." and so on.. (The bath tub bit is the best few minutes of Tom Hanks' career.)

Also, I'm Australian...that's the coolest baby-eating dingo I've seen.


Have mercy! I believe you. I've had days like that. Just not with the broken toe. Or the locked keys in the car. Or the balloon animal with a baby balloon animal inside of it. OK, come to think of it, I haven't had days like that. :)

Hope the universe lets up a bit. (((Amy)))


I am only 1/4 of the way through and I had to stifle giggles 4 times, because my students are taking a big, huge, important timed test and I can't bother them. (( because I read you a lot and they are SOO used to their teacher laughing hysterically at the computer screen and have accepted as normal behavior for all teachers.))


Wow!! I just started reading your site, and I am sorry to hear what an awful day you had -- although it is the funniest story EVER!!

The comments to this entry are closed.