Both Sides, Now
I am Utterly Obsessed with HBO's New Series Big Love But Was Unable to Seamlessly Weave That Into This Mess of an Entry

From the Days Before My Job Sucked Out the Very Essence of My Soul On a Regular Basis

A coworker just found this photo recently, taken way back on the day of this post, right at the conclusion of a Crate Race.

Which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.

Office packing crates + wheeled dollies + a bunch of bored and overcaffeinated people + long hallway = Crate Race, and also HUMILIATION

Scan_2

Please note my boss, who is strutting around like, "PWNED, bitches! Who's your daddy NOW, huh? HUH?"

And then there is the crate rider of the other team, who may be sobbing quietly while we taunt her.

And then there is me: defiant finger-pointing at the losers; white-knuckled grip on my crate; my hair thankfully blocking what was probably the hideous expression of Someone Who Is Taking This A Bit Too Seriously And Taking The Trash Talk Beyond Ha Ha Ha and Into Dude, AWKWARD.

Have I ever told you how ultra-competitive I am?  Because, yes.

I'm not competitive about intangible things -- like I Am Skinnier Than My Ex-Boyfriend's New Girlfriend, or I Don't Care If She's Skinnier Anyway, I Have Inner Peace And Also Nutter Butters -- but I get twitchy and heart-poundy over anything with a clear winner/loser distinction.

To wit: A game of Cranium on New Year's Eve reduced me to shaking a teammate who had passed out while I ordered her to drink WATER, YOU NEED WATER, and it was not because I cared about her hangover the next day. I NEEDED HER TO PAY ATTENTION DURING THE CHARADES. WAKE UP.

And even after everybody else lost interest in the game, I informed them that we were still going to add up the score and find out who won and IT BETTER BE MY TEAM OR ELSE I AM TAKING MY CASSEROLE DISH AND GOING HOME.

We won, of course, because I'd pretty much WILLED myself out of my champagne-fueled stupor to become the only sober person at the party, thus easily trampling over the drunk people who would NEVER be able to draw the concept of "kindred spirit" with their eyes OPEN, much less closed, because I ROCK the Sensosketch, y'all.

Jason has pulled me aside on more than one occasion (like the time we were playing tennis with people and I threw my racket at them) and quietly told me to chill the fuck out, and the thing is: I KNOW. I REALLY REALLY KNOW.

I try to avoid playing sports or board games or even engaging those uppity, know-it-all trivia machines at the bar because I KNOW.

The team in that photo is calling for a rematch. Part of me thinks that I should really sit this one out, but the other part says we could go even faster if I wore a helmet and curled up all aerodynamically inside the crate and dude, would it kill my boss to wear some track shoes? Or some kind of unitard?

In competitive Crate Racing, I fear there are no real winners.

Untitled1_3

Noah and his exersaucer would school all of yo' asses, and he laughs at your pitiful tennis backhand.

Comments

Kate

I hear ya! I am probably even more competitive than you!

Me

Seriously...am I first!?!?

Kate

Haha. I wanted to do that whole "Am I first?" thing but then I remembered that it's kind of lame. Seriously, why must people do that? That is such a pet peeve of mine.

But, wait, I am first! AWESOME!

Christina

Aww... Noah. Can I nibble on him? Just a little bit?

Me

DAMN IT!! I'm not first...see, competition, I feel ya ;)

Hope Roth

Awesome! Crate races look like so much fun!

Alison

When my brother and I play tennis, he accuses me of cheating (I don't! Really!) and then when I deny it, he becomes so enraged that he feels he must win this game or he's not a MAN. Then, he loses because his extreme anger causes him to make dumb mistakes and I laugh at him. Then he usually ends up aiming for me.

So... you're not the only one.

Also, you win at the baby competition.

Boozie

I like you even more now. I, too, am uber-competative, like to the point where I will bend the rules of a game if it means they will favor my team.

And Cranium? Forget it. If my team doesn't win, I pout. And a pout is not a very good look for me. The last time we played, I had "horomones" as my word for the charades. Horomones? Please. But, of course when no one guessed right, I blamed them for being too stupid to not get what I was doing. Losers.

Lisa

'kay I'm unlurking just this one time.. to let you know that I just spewed ranch flavored Doritoes all over my monitor -at work- because of "the hideous expression of Someone Who Is Taking This A Bit Too Seriously And Taking The Trash Talk Beyond Ha Ha Ha and Into Dude, AWKWARD" har! You rock! And since I'm unlurking just this once.. I can also let you know (because I know you care!) that I think Noah is the cutest lil turtle ever! =)

Lisa Ann

I just want to rub his fuzzy blonde head. That doesn't sound TOO weird does it?

Mega Mom

I'm all about the competition. The gym I go to has an AWESOME instructor who lets us play scooter-ball. 2 teams ride around a large gym on those hardly-fit-your-ass scooters that you used in 8th grade gym class. You try to get a huge resist-a-ball through the goal. You would LURVE it. Quite dirty players for 20-60 year olds.

gabby

Ok, fine. Go ahead and be so funny that I can't lurk anymore. YOU ARE SO FUNNY.

Thanks, dude. You RAWK.

Alexa

You remind me of Monica from Friends.

Ginger

You know -I was just thinking that my job was also sucking my soul out - since I've had my son. Just today I was telling my husband it felt like there was a vacuum under the tweedy carpet, sucking out my soul via the toes.

Jess

Cranium will totally do that to you! My sister and I have the blow up brain hats to prove it.

And Yes, I am thinking about seeking therapy.

Sabrina

I find myself WAY too competitive now that I have kids. Crate Racing sounds fun as hell!

ktbug

Okay - I was THERE that day. And let me just say...a wee bit on the scary side.

Noah clearly already has the hand up in his "Why you all up in my grill?" stance and the trash talk is moments from spilling forth. Could he GET any cuter??!

A regular apple whom has not fallen far from the tree!

ktbug

Did I really type 'whom'? OK - loser going backto lurking now...

Heather B.

I once played uno against my 4 1/2 year old cousin and completely flaunted the fact that I kicked her ass.

Come to think of it, I was also really competitive about my brackets and told a four year old that all of his teams were going to lose. He took it like a champ though.

Also, at my job we go to Ben and Jerry's and cakelove and consider that a productive day. I'm going to suggest crate races.

ktbug

Did I really type 'whom'? OK - loser going backto lurking now...

Jenny

Delurking to say that I NEVER want to see a man in a unitard. EVER.

I don't care if it makes you faster. That is just wrong.

Actually....I don't really know of anyone...male or female...who I would want to see in a unitard.

And I love your blog.

N

Hey, I saw this article and it reminded me of someone... "Father Forgets Baby In Metro Parking Lot"
http://www.nbc4.com/news/8207021/detail.html

Bella

Never played Cranium, but hubby and I can whoop anybodies butt in Pictionary! Even yours Oh Great One! :P (kiddin!)
I'm the opposite of you in competitiveness (ok I totally had to spell that one out in my head!) not into sports, don't care who wins in cards or board games, but OMG is she skinnier/taller/smarter/bigger boobage than me?!?!?! Get me a frappucino NOW! (pout!)

Y

YOU ARE MY MIRROR.[/starting over speak]

You have no fucking idea how similar we are. TOny's family HATED me the first year we were married because at our first official "family game night" I screamed "I do NOT want to be on Tony's team because I always lose when he's on my team".

They were mortified that I would be so cruel to my new husband, they're brother/son/cousin, but obviously, they had never played a game involving TIMED CLUE GIVING with him because HOMEBOY SAYS "UUUUUHHHHHH" alot, wasting precious game time that ALWAYS caused us to lose.

We're totally going to have some kind of a race at blogher and I will beat you, BEE EYE TEA SEE AITCH.

P.S. I AM CRYING AND PISSING MYSELF AT THIS POST AND THE PICTURE OF YOU IN THE CRATE. Seriously? HAAAAHAHHA

HAHHAHA
HAHHA
HAAAAAAAAHA
HA
HAAAA

Hannah B.

OMG, where to start?

I loved this post. LMAO!

So jealous that you fit into the crate. But wait, according to you, you could fit even *further* into the crate. I could get, like, one leg in there.

How the hell do you pronouce pwned? Or even pwn?
(I am so out of it.)

And finally...

Noah has clearly got it goin' *awn*! (Unless, of course, the use of *awn* there makes me look even more lame than not having ever heard of pwn.)

stephanie

as long as you never do what my best friend, then 25, did...

take a victory lap after beating an 8 year old at monopoly.

:)

Sherry

Damn it, I want IN.

Except, my post-pregnancy big fat ASS wouldn't dream of fitting in one of those crates.

NattyChick

You know? We have the long hallway. We have the easygoing and laid back boss (moi). We have the bunch of bored and overcaffeinated people. Now if I can just find some packing crates and wheelie things. Wait. We have moving trolleys......yup. They'll work.

Hannah B.

Just read the old post about the actual race and the stuff you found in your old desk. Funny, funny, funny. There is so much I should be doing *right* *now*. Must. fight. urge. to. read. more. old. posts.

Susan

My favorite part of this post was the link to pwned in the Urban Dictionary — which has 95 entries. Of the 10 or so that I read, at least five were written just to make fun of other entries. Ha!

Also, Cranium brings out the beast in me, too. I have a love/hate relationship with it.

Ninotchka

Picturing your boss in a unitard had me rolling! ba ha ha Well done.

Cindy

Oh, I am sooo competitive so I can totally relate. Only problem there is that I also suck at everything. So I get REALLY worked up right from the start because I know I'm just going to lose. It's just not pretty.

Megan

Another kindred competitive spirit!

I am one of those wives who would ditch her husband to be on the winning team. Oh, YEAH!

When I play Monopoly, I clutch my money in the fear someone else will take it from me and replace my $100 bills with singles (it really did happen once).

My husband can get me to clean by making it a race - "I bet I can make the bed faster than you can!" And by the time I've figured out what he's done, I've already made the bed/done the dishes/sorted the laundry.

Cagey

In various games of Trivial Pursuit and Scattergories, I have been known to call upon the Internet to PROVE MY POINT. Unfortunately, people don't say "oh, yeah. I guess you are right. Your roll.". Rather, I can see via their eye rolling gestures that they are really thinking "gee whiz. chill out. It's just a game".

And yet again, they would WRONG because it's NOT just a game.

Noelle

You are the Monica Geller of the Blog world.

And Crate Races? I wanna work where you work!

Just Linda

Girl, you crack my shit up (see? I even start talking like I think I'm ALL THAT when I hang out here! Go ahead- roll your eyes and make the little universal 'crazy' sign with your finger going in circles, I understand.)

The thing is I HAVE INNER PEACE AND NUTTY BARS is a great title for a book. If you're not going to use it, can I?? I need some inner peace and I could use some nutty bars too. Please???

Polichick

Also, WD-40 that dollie's wheels beforehand.

I share your competitive spirit. I took my boyfriend's money during a Texas Hold 'Em tournament Saturday and was only satisfied when he got visibly angry at my taunting. Good times.

Melanie

As someone who has almost come to blows during a game of Celebrity and caused her future husband to walk out of a party during a game of Trivial Pursuit, all I can say is I hear you, sister.

Jessica

My husband and I are SO competitive too. We should totally play doubles tennis sometime. The only couples we play with are my parents age, and while its fun beating them anyway, it's just not the same as kicking someone's butt who happens to be your own age. It would probably end up being a free for all racket throw down but it might be fun. . .

Love this post!

C

We used to hold pan races when it was snowing or icy out at the bakery. Those giant, full-sheet cake pans with a little grease on the bottom will carry you right out onto Germantown Avenue if you're not careful.

Aj

Try cart races . . . down the stairs. Now *that's* livin' on the edge (or called Junior Year of College living with Too Many Repressed Girls and it's 1AM and What Can We Do with this Laundry Basket and our Steep Steep Stairs?).

Competitive *while* drunk? Dude, that's hardcore.

Sarcomical

i am honestly sucky at sports. well, usually i'm good for the first 20 minutes and then i just suck. like at bowling.

but i can't play video games with my husband because i usually end up punching him in the arm or flinging my controller away in disgust.

blackbird

first of all - nice warcraft reference. it's all warcraft all the time over heeyah. so, yeah.

second - I just have to say:
cranium?
new years eve?

I may, possibly, have to quit reading you.

dylansmom

I hear you, girl. I found that supreme competitiveness and pregnancy hormones don't mix very well. My husband and I play poker with a group of friends, and while I was pregnant, we had a poker night where he beat my near-unbeatable hand with a fucking miraculous hand. TWICE. The first time, I merely threw my cards at him--the second time, I punched his arm so hard that he said it took about half an hour before he could feel anything in that arm again.

But no, I'm not overly competitive at all, or a bad loser, really. He had it coming.

Got to try the crate races. . . never thought of that before!

bethgirl

I don't have time to read the comments to see if anyone else mentioned this... but this totally reminded me of the Family Guy where Peter says, "Well, I'm the MOST noncompetitive, so I WIN!"

Okay, I think it's funny anyway.

I'm also extremely competitive and would probably kick your ass in a contest of competitiveness. Only, I refuse to cheat. I will bend the rules on occasion.

I also won't play any game/sport that I know I'll lose. What's the point?

LCA

I think this is one of my favorite posts of yours. (Not that I'm all heartless after NOT commenting on the previous post, but you know.)

And I saw a Rent-A-Crate truck this afternoon (before I read this post) and the first thing I thought of was your crate race.

Oh, happy day.

Haggalicious

Thanks for making me laugh. I read your site every day, but think I've only commented twice. I had to go for comment #3 because I really did laugh-out-loud, especially at the whole casserole dish thing. Seriously, where do you come up with this stuff? Thanks again!

llama

I too go way overboard with the board game competitiveness. I am also a stickler for the rules so god help me (and my opponents) if someone else is cheating and winning. I get all whiny and high pitched and I may even start to yell and name call. Everyone's all "calm down, it's just a game" and I'm all "It's not just a game! It's a metaphor for life. If you're going to cheat at pictionary where do you draw the line you big lying cheat?".

Plus my husband has refused to play scrabble with me because I get way too upset that he wins every single time and he's only ever read one book in his life and he's the worst speller in the world bar none (reading his emails is like deciphering code) yet he still can beat me at scrabble! oh the pain.

Is there a self-help group for this?

Nothing But Bonfires

Man. Today we put makeup on one of male employees, but Crate Racing sounds like SO MUCH MORE FUN.

Patchie

Cutest. Noah. Picture. Ever. That is one nibblelicious little kid.

Pam

My then-fiance once stabbed me in the hand when I couldn't decipher his non-sensical doodlings in Pictionary. He thought the best way to get me to understand was to keep pounding the pencil on his drawing and grunting (uh, not!), and when I still couldn't see it, he just gave up on that and went for blood.

I still refuse to play board games with him.

Vaguely Urban

We're hosting a game night this Saturday. East Cost Posse is coming into town to battle against the West Coast Krew. We are like Notorious BIG and Tupac. but much, much geekier.

Come out here and represent for your coast, beeyotch.


Contrary

We tend towards water fights at my job. I always win, because I am the awesome.

No, really.

zorgon

This harks back a few posts, but hey. Gotta stick up for the guys, you know?

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/23/baby.forgotten.ap/index.html

See? Out in front of the restaurant's not so bad!

Jacynth

I'm what my friends call a "game board nazi". Everyone was must be paying attention, especially me, because lord knows even though I'm competitive, I still suck. Ha! Noah is adorable!

Christa

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/23/baby.forgotten.ap/index.html

this totally reminded me of you/Jason/Noah...and right here in Washington!

Real Girl

I want to crate race at my office! And, you know, if the crate happens to race in the elevator, out the door, and down the block to the donut shop, that's okay too.

Brandi

I'm with Heather B. - I played a game of checkers with a 5 year old I nannied for, and whooped him. (Not physically, of course!). No wait, I still want to babysit for you! :)

We played another game, and he took it more seriously, and beat me, and I was in a bad mood afterwards, so sad, but true.

yet another from the legions of Amys

Well, shit. You've all made me consider the possibility that the fourth grade student of mine who threw another kid onto the blacktop over a foursquare dispute at recess the other day might NOT grow out of it.

Oh, wait. I didn't grow out of it either. I guess we're all doomed.

Big Gay Sam

Wow... just... wow....

You straight folks really scare me sometimes. :P

lissa

I once almost knocked down a chandelier while playing uno. UNO!!!
Needless to say I lost.

lolismum

Just a quick question. Why is Turtle always naked, especially in his Exersaucer? Does he not get cold? How exactly does this happen? Do you intentionally strip him before you put him in there or is he usually in there when you are in the process of getting him undressed or dressed, such as early morning or before bedtime? Or is your house over-heated like ours because just like my hubs you think any temp below 76 is for penguins?

Harper

I can't wait to see a picture of Noah with his little toothy grin!

superfantastic

We played mini-golf in my old office once when the power went out and my boss happened to have his clubs in his office. But then a VP came by and told us that we had to sit at our desks and look like we were doing work even though the phones and computers didn't work. If Initech were a non-profit civic education organization, it would be that place.

kerri

If someone at my workplace would have invented crate racing, I might have stayed longer at said workplace. Perhaps if we actually had crates. (Noah automatically wins, mostly because he would kill the competition with his cuteness.)

Tricia

I've been visiting your blog on a daily basis for a while now (ewww stalkerish, no?) and I just wanted to say how much I love it! Noah is the cutest too ;)

Contrary

Ha. Y'all click on the 'Pwn' link. The argument over it's definition and origin is almost as funny as Amy's post.

k

There is a woman out there somewhere who will forever remember me as That Seemingly Normal Woman Who Transformed into a Screeching Harpy During Charades.

But I mean honestly: the clue was the song "How Soon Is Now." I had her saying "Wow Noon Is Cow" and she COULD NOT GET IT.

So what choice did I have? "What is the point of PLAYING" I yelled "if you aren't even going to TRY???"

I had just met her that night. She never came back.

I blame the wine.

Jessie

I have a mean competitive streak too, but also a miniscule attention span, so if it's not a quick-win game I get bored and the game never ends. My parents say this is because I always used to lose at Monopoly so if I saw that I wasn't going to win I would quit. I'm sticking with the short attention-span thing so I don't feel like a sore loser.

jonniker

I snorted aloud at K's comment re: How Soon Is Now? because somewhere, out there, is a woman - maybe the same woman - who knows me as the Insane Woman Who Stood Up and Waved Her Arms Frantically While Screaming during a game of Pictionary, while the rest of the group sat there, stopped playing and just...stared. And I was all, DUDE, this is SERIOUS. But really, it's so not serious.

And Blackbird, what's wrong with Cranium and NYE? There was booze! Food! Champagne! Isn't that what people DO on NYE? Who the hell has the energy/desire to go OUT anymore?

Elaine

I have never had one of those office jobs before, so I am amused that your office seems evenly remotely close to "The Office" on t.v. Amazing. I'm thinking there is much more goofing off to be done at my work.

On a side note, I trash talk way too much also. I can't play any real sports, but I do know music trivia, and I'm great at the humdingers on Cranium, and I'm pretty sure my husband's best friend didn't make a NCAA bracket this year because I trashed talked so much last year that he is just so totally annoyed with me. I think that means I have won that battle too. ;)

Alexa

You have inspired me to take my job more seriously--so that I might rise in the ranks to a managerial position and institute crate races of our own...
I would so ROCK that.

Serenity

Wow. You have a really cool boss.

Wish my boss was that fun.

Y

Last night, I showed this to my husband, and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Seriously, I can't get over this.

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