From the Days Before My Job Sucked Out the Very Essence of My Soul On a Regular Basis
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I am Utterly Obsessed with HBO's New Series Big Love But Was Unable to Seamlessly Weave That Into This Mess of an Entry

amalah: my readers wanted me to pass this article on to you.
jason: heh. funny.
jason: wait, why did people want me to read that?
amalah: *realizes he doesn't know she posted the story about leaving noah in the car that time*
amalah: um. no reason. crazy internet people, is all.

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Also does not read this site. Will one day send me a cease & desist order regarding the Non-Stop Discussion of His Bodily Functions.

Is anyone out there brave enough to use the iPod shuffle mode in their car when they have passengers? Because I am not.

When I'm alone, the playlist is bound to be some kind of awesome Davie Bowie/Modest Mouse/Ben Folds combination, but I'm positive that if a friend or coworker is in the car it'll be all William Shatner/Iron Maiden/Chumbawamba* and there's just NO EXPLAINING THAT. It's like having Tivo -- you can no longer claim to have just STUMBLED on Flavor of Love or Jerry Springer because there was nothing else on. Bad music does not just leap onto your iPod, even when you're drunk on iTunes. You still make the choice that you would like to pay 99 cents for some Britney Spears, and it's a choice that sobers up the best of us.

The only thing I think I could get away with was claiming I'd accidentally taken Jason's iPod instead. Whoops! That husband of mine! With his crappy music! I'm telling the Internet! He'll never know!

*This is not to say that I actually have any of these artists on my iPod. Not at all.

**Okay, I will cop to the William Shatner. William Shatner is on my iPod and I enjoy him immensely and even non-ironically. This does not mean I am a nerd.

***What does make me a nerd is the fact that I ENJOY STAYING HOME ON FRIDAY NIGHTS TO WATCH BATTLESTAR GALACTICA. THERE. I SAID IT.

****That felt good to admit, actually. Am glad we had this chat.

*****Although if anyone asks, Jason is the one who set up the Tivo season pass and therefore, it's his fault.

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Is not a human/Cylon hybrid, at least not as far as we can tell.

STUPID THINGS I HAVE DONE RECENTLY:

1. Took sip of beverage through a straw right as the elevator stopped on my floor with a not-so-gentle jolt, sent straw piercing through the soft flesh of the roof of my mouth, made loud gagging sound in front of four people I do not know.

2. Missed the deadline for applying to be on season 10 of the Amazing Race. Fuckity.

3. Bought a box of Girl Scout cookies before 10 am, consumed 3/4 of said box before 11 am.

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Yes, I know this looks just like the other picture I posted but COME ON. There are also about 47 others in this series, so honestly, so I'd count yourselves lucky that I'm stopping with two.

THE FOLLOWING PHOTO ESSAY CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT. PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

I came home yesterday to a rather horrific scene.

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The trail of polyester stuffing began in the foyer. I immediately realized that somewhere in the house, a toy was suffering. Was I too late?

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The floors are always pretty dusty, but even I knew this was excessive.

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The carnage continued. My hopes sank.

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OH THE HUMANITY!

That's Puppy. Max's Puppy. Max has had Puppy all his life, and likes to carry him around by the neck while Max sings him a song, which used to be the most preciousest thing you'd ever seen until you saw every picture of Noah ever taken. 

Puppy used to look like this. Now Puppy has no neck, eyeballs or innards.

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Ceiba swore she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time and had nothing to do with the massacre.

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Unfortunately, there is no such thing as the perfect crime.

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Okay! Three! I will stop at three. But see his outfit? How he looks like a little jailbird? So it fits in with the whole Crime & Punishment theme I had going there? Like...Noah went to...jail? Like...ha...ha? Stuffed animal murder is funny? No?

Fine. Frack you then.

Comments

natalie

Frack? OMG, I didn't know any other woman out there knew that or was subjected to SciFi Fridays with Battlestar Galactica. It was torture at first, but now I'm so obsessed. And that pic of Ceiba cracked me up.

Big Gay Sam

I enjoy Big Love myself and I'm a Mormon whose great grandfather had two wives.

You're going to be hearing this a lot from scandalized Mormons when you bring up the subject of Big Love...

"THEY'RE NOT MORMONS!!!!"

We're a tad sensitive about.

Jem

Is the William Shatner thing because of Ben Folds? Man, I miss Ben Folds Five.

stealtharachnid

The intro to Big Love brings joy to my heart.
I have blogged on it, you might want to give me a read.

halloweenlover

I think we own the same puppy- do you think Max could be deceived by ours? I could send it to you if you think it will ease the pain.

Kristen

Ipod shuffle is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. Most of the time, it's the crappy coconut nougat crap that no one can believe they actually make anymore.

And Big Love? I think it's great that Chloe Sevigny found a role where she can wear the clothes and hair right off the set - and just put some fishnets and silver heels on and hit the red carpet. What more could you ask for?

LotionBarBunny

I admit...I also watch Flavor of Love.

lissa

I WISH I had the opportunity to use Shuffle mode with passengers. But alas, no. My passengers are so enamored with my iPod they play with it themselves and pick their own music...or they plug their own iPods in. My passengers are kind of uppity, actually. :P

RockStar Mommy

First: I'm loving Big Love.
Second: I have that same Old Navy gray striped outfit for Boots and also have it in in light and navy blue. LOVE IT.

And seriously, I shuffle my ipods ass off no matter who's around. But everyone knows that I'm a complete freak when it comes to music, so it's always expected.

Lori

Amy, if you need more Girl Scout cookies, let me know.

Sarah

Is Noah wearing velour or something similar in that first photo? Because if he is...YOU ARE MY HERO!

R. Robyn

Oh dear God. I had a spit up incident when I read "there is no such thing as a perfect crime" and then realized Ceiba had stuffing coming off of his jaw.

Lauren

Oops. I have also just gotten busted for writing an embarrassing story about my mom. At the dinner table. By my friend John. Thanks, John.

Real Girl

I am disproportionately sad about Puppy.

Poor Max. First the Rat Dog, then the Pooper, and now he doesn't even have the one thing he can love unconditionally.

Jasmine

Oh, poor, poor Max. Evil Ceiba! Bit of twangy stuffing peeking from edge of mouth!

..and Noah is practically the most adorablest (words aren't made, they grow ...) BABY EVER!EVEREVEREVEREVEREVER.

the kim half of glamorouse

Awww - Noah's hair is growing.
That photo series of stuffing is the funniest thing I've seen in quite some time.
But those pics of you crate-racing are occupying way too much of my brain space.

Danielle

Frack you! Hee hee hee ha ha ha!!!

Mama C-ta

Love the jailbird gear. Sadly I think Cricket may end up with one of his own someday but it will have a string of numbers across the back.

Sheena

I find it amusing that Puppy kind of resembles Ceiba with the giant ears and all...... hmm.


I have a Siamese that does the same thing.... Only Kenji has a purple cow that he carries everywhere... he doesn't so much sing to it as he does try to mutilate it.... but that could just be from the catnip high :D

Shannon

I LOVE me some Big Love!! Why can't I stop thinking about that show?

Love the blog - you rock, baby.

But I bet you knew that already!

Shannon

cbc

Do not be ashamed about the Battlestar. It is the best. I am still depressed that it wont be back until October.

reenie

I have a Chow/German Shepard mix (two of the like, three or so deadliest breeds of dog) and she is the daintiest dog with her toys. She has all but one of the toys we’ve ever bought for her and that one only died recently. Due to love. My brother-in-law has a little daschund and he can and will destroy a toy in point 5 seconds. Stuffing everywhere. Weird.

And Noah is the most presciousest of all things, and I have no iPod and no passengers, so cannot comment on that.

ali

okay...there's something wrong with me. i read the entire post and i can think about is girl scout cookies...

...you see, we don't have them in canada.
it's a travesty, i tell you.

kris

Ceiba will be furious when someday you show that incriminating photo to her prom date.

Magistra

Girl Scout cookies, another thing to put in the "what Canada doesn't have" column.

Up-to-date Battlestar Galactica is another. They're just a couple weeks into season 2.5. Which is the whole reason we have a Slingbox hooked up at my in-laws...

And as the mother of a now 3-year-old, I have found "frak" to be useful and somewhat satisfying.

And then there was the dream I had a couple nights ago where I found out that the Cylons are Scientologists...

European

love the bit of fuzz on Ceiba's nose!

Alexa

Aw, poor Puppy! Well, really, poor Max.
At least Max is attached to something anthropomorphic--my cat Lennie does the same carrying around/singing thing, only with a blue, fuzzy SOCK of mine. It is the saddest thing you have ever seen.

Malia

That dog is so guilty, he even has guts in his mouth.

Malia

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