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February 2006
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April 2006

Six Months

Noah is officially six months old now. I planned to finally give in to the letters-to-baby thing and write a moving and bittersweet letter that I could press into his baby book -- a letter that would encapsulate every emotion and experience and life lesson I want him to learn and oh, how brilliant it would be. I got this far: Dear Noah, Hi. How are you? I am fine. Okay, bye! Love, Mama So then I planned to write the letter after he went to bed -- a letter that would certainly include his cozy little bedtime routine, which... Read more →


We Are All Totally Going to Die of the Chicken Pox!

Internet Lesson #47934780843: Do not ask the Internet for medical advice or opinions of any kind. Seriously. You may think it's kind of cute or that you'll get some reassurance that you are indeed freaking out about nothing, but no. You will be told that you are going to die. Internet Lesson #99384672368: Do not talk about vaccines. AT ALL. You will be told that you are stupid, wrong, misinformed and also, totally going to die. Parenthood Lesson #17: HEAT RASH, DUMBASS. You know, considering that I STILL get emails from people suggesting diaper rash remedies, you'd think I would... Read more →


WebMD

Dear Smart People of the Internet: Please tell the dumb girl this is not what she thinks it is. ACK. I know I'm totally the Girl Who Cried Pox, since I freak out over every single rash he gets. One time I called my mom to report that Noah most definitely had chickenpox this time I really mean it, only to realize that I had red ink all over my hands and was simply smearing it on Noah every time I touched him, which was why the "rash" was spreading at an alarming rate RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES OMG. My... Read more →


I am Utterly Obsessed with HBO's New Series Big Love But Was Unable to Seamlessly Weave That Into This Mess of an Entry

amalah: my readers wanted me to pass this article on to you. jason: heh. funny. jason: wait, why did people want me to read that? amalah: *realizes he doesn't know she posted the story about leaving noah in the car that time* amalah: um. no reason. crazy internet people, is all. Also does not read this site. Will one day send me a cease & desist order regarding the Non-Stop Discussion of His Bodily Functions. Is anyone out there brave enough to use the iPod shuffle mode in their car when they have passengers? Because I am not. When I'm... Read more →


From the Days Before My Job Sucked Out the Very Essence of My Soul On a Regular Basis

A coworker just found this photo recently, taken way back on the day of this post, right at the conclusion of a Crate Race. Which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Office packing crates + wheeled dollies + a bunch of bored and overcaffeinated people + long hallway = Crate Race, and also HUMILIATION Please note my boss, who is strutting around like, "PWNED, bitches! Who's your daddy NOW, huh? HUH?" And then there is the crate rider of the other team, who may be sobbing quietly while we taunt her. And then there is me: defiant finger-pointing... Read more →


Both Sides, Now

I woke up at 5 am this morning in a dead panic about everything I had to accomplish at work today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the rest of the week stretched out ominously ahead of me with the ohgodohgod I'm so behind and so tired and I think that one guy has it in for me and is going to get me fired and I just want to go back to sleeeeeeep. Jason got up at six to retrieve Noah and brought him back to our bed in a diaper and announced that he had to... Read more →


Free Random Parmesan Cheese for Everyone!

I really believe my streak of bad luck is coming to an end. I brought in some delicious homemade minestrone for lunch, but was saddened when I realized I forgot to grate some parmesan cheese over it this morning. Yet what should I find neatly stacked up in our office kitchen today? Why, three or four little containers of grated parmesan cheese! I am not going to think about why in the name of Samuel H. Heck there was random parmesan cheese in the kitchen, nor am I going to think about what type of person helps herself to said... Read more →


The Day After Tomorrow

Yes. So sorry about that. Long-time readers know that whenever I say a specific topic will be covered "tomorrow," I actually mean "the day after that or quite possibly, never." You should probably yell at the long-time readers for not telling you about that endearing little quirk of mine. (IT IS ENDEARING. MY MOM SAID SO. SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU.) Eek! You will now forgive me for anything! So it's been exactly a week since the Heartbreaking Friday of Staggering Suck, and honestly, I'm still a little twitchy about it. I won't close my car doors unless I am... Read more →


Mercury Retrograded

OR, THE LONGEST POST EVER BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY THREE OR FOUR POSTS THAT I HAVE NOT GOTTEN AROUND TO WRITING, SO PLEASE SCHEDULE THE REST OF YOUR DAY ACCORDINGLY. A powernap might be in order about halfway through too. So I was picked for a jury on Thursday. I've never been picked before. The last time I had jury duty I spent about two hours in the Juror's Lounge watching Ken Burn's baseball documentary, then about 45 minutes in a hallway outside a courtroom being lined up randomly by juror number, then re-lined up even more randomly, and then... Read more →


Oh, the Litigations You'll See

I have so very many stories to tell y'all, including stories about: 1) Why Law & Order is a big lying pile of shit, 2) The bathing habits of the DC citizenry, like, DUDES, 3) Toe vs. Vacuum Cleaner (advantage: Hoover), 4) Why I am an idiot, part 3290084334686423, and 5) Why "Is there a certified locksmith on staff?" should be one of your top questions when interviewing daycare providers. (Edited later because apparently, numbering five different items properly is really, really hard. Wouldn't you want me on a jury of your peers?) But I cannot tell any of them... Read more →