We Are All Totally Going to Die of the Chicken Pox!
The Other Very Important Things I Do With My Time

Six Months


Noah is officially six months old now.

I planned to finally give in to the letters-to-baby thing and write a moving and bittersweet letter that I could press into his baby book -- a letter that would encapsulate every emotion and experience and life lesson I want him to learn and oh, how brilliant it would be.

I got this far:

Dear Noah,

Hi. How are you? I am fine.

Okay, bye!


Img_2947 So then I planned to write the letter after he went to bed -- a letter that would certainly include his cozy little bedtime routine, which involves him rubbing his eyes and sighing at precisely 8:15 pm which we take as a signal to read Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Or even just recite it, because he no longer cares about the pictures but just waits with bated breath for us to announce the next animal (I see a...wait for it...RED BIRD looking at me!) before dissolving into giggles. Then we kiss him and say nite-nite and put him in his crib awake by 8:30. And then he...falls asleep, just like a completely rational human being.

I definitely wanted to write about that. But last night, about halfway through the parade of hallucinogenic-colored animals, I felt my lap growing strangely warm.

Purple cat, purple cat, what do you see? I see green poop leaking on me.

A bonafide ERUPTION of liquid was oozing out of his diaper, all over my legs.

Also all over the couch.

And Jason was working late, so I sat there paralyzed. What to do first? How to get the baby into the tub without leaving a trail of poop across the apartment? How to clean up the couch before the dog discovered the delicious fecal goodness? HOW TO GET THESE JEANS OFF OH MY GOD.

I finally got up and dashed into the nursery, blocking the diaper exit routes with my own torso, and put Noah on his changing table, reasoning that I'd get things under control with some wipes before giving him a bath which shows that six months does not a smart parent make, because have you ever like, dropped a full carton of milk and it went everywhere and then you didn't have any paper towels handy and had to use tissues? (No? Just me?)

So I belted him to the changing table and dashed across the hall to get a bath ready: towel water soap tubseat where's the damn tubseat oh damn it's in the kitchen better go get it; and when I returned to get Noah I found him dangling precariously off the changing table, waiting for one more solid kick of the legs to pitch him ass-over-teakettle into the Diaper Genie.

The poop had taken over and was firmly in charge.

2931_1 He took one look at me and started laughing hysterically -- the deranged laughter of someone who is up past his bedtime and has just fingerpainted with his own waste all over the wall.

While I was hosing both of us down and yelling at Ceiba to STAY OFF THE COUCH OH GOD YOU ARE SO GROSS, the phone rang and I told it to go fuck itself.

Needless to say, I decided last night was probably not the best time to euphorically document the six-month milestone. Noah and I fell asleep on the non-poop-part of the couch immediately after the bath and I awoke some hours later to find Jason home and sitting next to me on the poop-part of the couch, like so glad we have a vicious watchdog to keep me safe, and when I mumbled something about him sitting on poop he informed me that I was drooling all over my son's head. I told him it was only fair at this point.

This morning, at daycare, some expectant parents were touring the center and observing Noah's classroom. And without even being aware of it, I switched into Happy Joyful Working Mother Mode in order to impress them with how awesome the whole set-up was. Look at Noah smile and reach for his teacher! Watch us happily chat and go about our morning business so completely natural-like! Look at me hide a bottle of diluted prune juice in the back of the fridge and write instructions for it on his chart without telling the teacher that dude, you are SO FUCKING IN FOR IT TODAY.

Img_2961_1 Noah sat on the floor, smiling beautifically in his little Chick Magnet onesie, and just as the parents commented on his adorableness, he puked.

"Okay, bye!" I said.

So I thought maybe I'd write the letter over lunch today. Maybe it wouldn't be so gushing because of the whole poop story, but I'm sure I could figure something out. I reached for my just-brewed cup of coffee and then something happened and I spilled it all over my desk and lap.

Green frog, green frog, what do you see? I see Amy breaking psychotically.

The coffee soaked through my clothes and burned my legs and I desperately grabbed tissues (tissues!) in order to SAVE MY COMPUTER, I AM NOT BREAKING TWO COMPUTERS IN ONE MONTH OH HELL NO and thought, you know? Fridays are not so much for me anymore.


Dear Noah,

Being your mother is better than the sum of its parts. I don't really get how the math works, but every moment I spend with you is the best moment of my life.

There is nothing you can do that would make me love you any less. There is nothing I wouldn't do to make you happy. There is nothing I would change.

Thank you for all the joy you've brought us. Thank you for these six amazing months.


P.S. I smell like coffee.




poop! and Coffee! It can only get better from here


It's just like everyone says it is-isn't it? You just don't really get it until you are there.

Happy 6 months to Noah. Today is also my Bat Mitzvah anniversary. Holy crap- that was in 1984. It snowed.


He looks just like you!


Lovely. I mean, even the poop story and everything. The boy, your life, your writing - lovely.

And um, do you have some sort of Siamese cat applique on the wall in your living room? Or does Max shape-shift into a holograph to get behid the baby gate and hover aboove the baseboard?


Love love love the photo of him in the "Chick Magnet" tee. No matter how stumbly the routine might be, or what Ceiba licks off the couch, it's good to know that you can maintain your sense of humor. Eventually.

Have a great weekend, and keep that chin up.


have you braced yourself for all the bashing comments about leaving him on the changing table? like all these damn people are perfect parents somehow.

the poop is amazing isn't it? my little man didn't poop this morning like he usually does, so i know that when he does later tonight, or heaven forbid tomorrow or the next day, it's going to leak out the diaper and all over everything in our home within a 20-foot radius of the child. and when his father isn't home for something like that it's a totally catastrophic event for me. how the hell is one person supposed to deal with that much poop?


Love your style Amalah.
Hope your legs are ok!

And Damn, he makes me want another!


*mmmmpphh* no, no. I'm not laughing at you. NOT. LAUGHING.

Oh, who am I kidding? *BWAHAHAHAHAHA*

Karma is sooo gonna kick my ass for this, I will get home from work tonite to discover my cat will have puked hairballs over my nice duvet cover.

But it was still funny. hehehehehe


The letter is perfect. Perfect.


It seems impossible to put into words sometimes - but you've done it well. Chick magnet...gotta love that Old Navy!!!! Happy Six Months - enjoy the weekend - hopefully it is not too poopy.


Oh, just you wait until you actually go in his room after nap time and see the poopy finger painting all over the walls and the brown ring around his mouth.

Just you wait.

Still, wouldn't trade any of it for the world.


Sweet sassy molassy, that is one cute kid.


Even in a story rife with bodily functions I am choked up here people. Tearing up at my desk at work. Good grief.

Just post the whole thing in his book. It is very touching :)


You've got some funny mojo working on you, girl. With the jury duty and the breaking of toes and poop galore.

My daughter turns 2 months old today, by the way. I can't wait till she goes to sleep by herself at 8:30 like a real person...maybe your mojo isn't so bad after all!

Susie Sunshine

You captured the first six months beautifully, poop stains and all.

Sneak peak at coming attractions: The first step followed almost immediately by the first goose egg/head bruising, the parental stripping of the apartment of anything breaky or valued in the slightest, the first word, quickly followed by the first inappropriate word.
Man, I miss having a baby around.


Holy shit. I think I have green poo leaking down my leg from laughing so hard.

Bozoette Mary

Best baby letter ever.


I am crying. That is the sweetest and most perfect letter.

You do not need to describe the poop and the puke... he can just read your blog archives for that!


oh god. you hit on a few of my worst fears here. leaky poop and baby-falling. it sure sounds fun.

*blink* *blink*

but i KNOW it's got to be awesome, or why would so many people love it so? ;) plus awwww...the baby-ness.

i am afraid i will fall down and smoosh my children. that is the plight of the clumsy.


Wow, what a coincidence. My daughter was born 10-1-05. And we've had the vomiting baby(what an adorable child. Bluuuurrrrppp) and the poop explosion(did you know that poop can be held in by the bottom elastics but squirt out the back? Me neither.)I blame the sweet potatoes--maybe that's why the dog eats it. Fortunately Salome is a girl, so we don't have to fight to the death for World's Cutest Baby-Noah's won for boys.


Wait. You used the belt on the changing table? I've never used that before. Noah is the luckiest kid in the world.


This is the funniest post EVER. Seriously, on a scale of 1-10, this is an 11 (I hope you read that in a British accent, because that's how I typed it). One complaint, though. DiorShow mascara is not water-proof and the tears of laughter have made me look like a racoon.


He's so freaking adorable and so grown up.

I'm going to sit here refreshing until you answer the hover-cat question.


Wow, Noah went all out to reward you for the love and care you provided for the last 6 months didn't he? "You're doing a great job mom. Now watch in horror as I cover the entire house with my poo. Happy six month birthday to me!"

Lisa V

He so looks like a little man in that first photo.

Miss W

Dearest Amy, I have to say...EVERY time you post one of these charming stories, I invariably read them to my husband who laughs and points at me because either that has recently happened to me or is something that he swears could ONLY happen to me. (For the record, that poop thing is a regular occurrance around here...maybe my almot 12 lb boy needs some size 2's?)


I read all of that, and still cannot get past Noah's lethal volume of adorability. That must be part of that fuzzy math or whatever :)

Happy Six Months to all of you!

Heather B.

I would never believe that your child pooped on you. Nope. Never.


He looks like a miniature man in the pictures with the plaid shirt. So adorable. Happy 6 months to all 3 of you!


God, I feel like you & I are living the same stuff, Amy, even though my son's about 5 months older than Noah. My boy got sent home from daycare yesterday with a rash--I was told not to bring him back without a doctor's note saying he's not contagious. So I freaked all out--I thought it was eczema, people, but it got redder yesterday--and this morning, the doc confirmed it is indeed eczema. And totally not contagious. Damn daycare. Reminded me of your heat rash post earlier this week, and the dangers of internet research when your child's health is involved. Such sites should carry a disclaimer: THIS SITE SHOULD NOT BE USED BY SOMEONE WITHOUT A MEDICAL DEGREE, OR AT LEAST WITHOUT A SUFFICIENT AMOUNT OF SLEEP.

As for poop. . . ah, the amazing effects of antibiotics (for the ever-present ear infection, of course) on the diaper deposits. Usually I give my son his medication in the AM and he has his blow-out poop at daycare, but yesterday I forgot and gave it to him before bedtime. BIG MISTAKE. I woke up this morning to poop spilling out of the back of his diaper, piles of poop in the crib, poop smeared on the crib slats and blankets, and OH MY GOD on my baby's hands, above his eyes, and *gasp* around his mouth! AAAACCCCKKKKK!! I'm sure Jason can relate, after his recent adventure. I was horrified, but in the end it wasn't anything a load of laundry and a quick bath couldn't fix.

At least I didn't spill my coffee this morning.

Anyway, despite (and sometimes because of?) all the messes, babies are the best. :-) Happy 6 months to Noah!!


...the letter is perfect ... it's honest, that's for sure...as for the new verse to Brown Bear, Brown Bear...oh HELL yeah!

Umm, have a good weekend?


I am 15 weeks pregnant with my first. While some of what you write scares the absolute hell out of me, more of it wonderful. Seeing little Noah's adorable grin and feeling your love for him through your writing is a gift. Thanks for sharing the good, the bad, and the poopy with us.


Oh my god, I laughed so hard I peed a little. Then I cried. Fortunately both of those things can be attributed to being pregnant.

I have so much to look forward too.


Dear Noah,

Your mama writes the very best letters. Happy 1/2 year birthday!!


Dude. And aw. That's all I have to say.


Oh, man. I've yet to read a post where I didn't laugh so loud I scared my dog. This one is no exception. It's like...poop poetry.


OK I scrolled back up to see the cat decal on the wall, too. Very unusual. Very.

But the letter was precious, in a modern, non-gushing, frankly beautiful sort of way.

My mom passed away unexpectedly in January, and last weekend I found my baby book, with all her lovely notations. The cheesy, "out of a sappy book" comments were boring, other than analyzing the handwriting.

But the notes like the one from the "first visitors at home" section: "And Barb & Ann came from Sears (?!? they make home delivery!) and brought you (as in me, the 2 day old baby) a McDonald's hamburger, because you love them (I do?!?), but you were asleep, so Mother ate it!"

It's those frank, honest, very personal comments that make me say "hey, THAT'S my mom talking!".

So don't cave to the cheesy pressure. The same precious 6 month old anniversary letter writers are the same ones who will later send out annoying Christmas letters.

I say instead of framing the cheesy letter in the baby book, why don't you shadowbox a shitty diaper, bottle of prune juice and picture of the whole crime scene. Now THAT'S entertainment baby!


That sounds good to me. Hope the rest of your day and weekend go much better!

Just Linda

He's going to have the BEST baby book ever.

When you die, he's going to find all this stuff and publish it in a book called "Notes from Mom" or something and get RICH.


Better than any other baby letters out there, girl. Write THESE to him (only? maybe put in ****** where the f-bombs used to be, just so child services doesn't get involved.... see? I got your back!)


LOL at Me and the shadow box - that's a classic.

Thanks for yet another post where I shriek hysterically and my co-workers come over to see what is so funny.

You capture the essence of motherhood better than I could ever imagine. Thank you for sharing that with us internet groupies.

Happy half b-day to the sweet guy.

BTW - I LOVE the plaid shirt and khaki pants with his hands ever so sweetly clasped - what do you think he is plotting to do next?


Congrats on 6 Months!


You know, I found your blog on the day Noah was born. Just like that. One day there was Amalah and her family in my life. Often I have wanted to comment, but then thought: Nah!
But today! TODAY! Holy mother of god you have made my day! The fecal matter? Finger painting with it? Oh man, I just adore the way you express life in all its glory.
Noah is lucky to have you. Happy to day to you all.


Hilarious. I just had an awkward laughter moment in the office. Thanks for making all our days a little funnier.

reluctant housewife

Loved the baby letter!

How stupid is it to feel guilt for not writing those letters to baby? My son is 13 months old and I have yet to do it.

You however, have a funny, honest and touching blogful of words to share with him.

Noah is a lucky 6 month-old.


About the HoverCat (HA!):

Jason's mom (who decorated our fabulous nursery and is responsible for all the amazing wall textures and faux bricks and such) painted that portrait of Max on wallpaper. It's removable wallpaper too, so we can take it with us if we move.

We were going to have her do one of Ceiba, but then I got pregnant and nobody cares about the damn dog anymore.

(I kid! We love her. We just can't get her to sit still for a good photo.)


I love your letter to Noah. It was very sweet. Sorry you had such a "crappy" evening. "Delicious fecal goodnes" barf! I think I upchucked my macaroni and cheese on that one.


Perhaps the universe is trying to speak to you ~ Wise Asian man guised as pooping/barfing baby and spilled coffee say:

"Your cup runneth over..."

Or "Try Pampers Leak Guard"

One or the other.


God, it flies doesn't it? My daughter will be 6 months old next week and I can't believe how fast it went. She's my second and it has gone even faster than with the first.

Suzy Q

Changing tables have belts on them now? I thought you just used duct tape to strap the kid in. And diapers leaking poop all over?! WTF? Maybe it's a GOOD thing I don't have any kids!

Happy half b-day to the cutie-pie Noah. He really is the cutest damn baby I've seen in a very long time.


ooh!! bright red AND coffee-scented legs??? maybe jason will want to start on Babalah v.2 tonight. hehe.

adorable post. <3


You know Amalah, before I started reading your site I had no idea baby poop was so...mobile.
Congratulations on six action-packed months with your delightful boy.


oh amalah!! also, have you heard of Bag, Borrow or Steal (www.bagborroworsteal.com)...

it's weird, you pay $19.95 a month or something and you get to have desinger hand bags RENTED to you, depending on the different levels of membership. i dunno. i think it's a little weird...lol.



Between laughing, nodding my head in recognition, and crying over your letter I think that is one of my favorite posts. It does fly by. I can scarcely believe that my "little one" will be turning 6 years old in August.
Also - GREAT pics of Noah. Damn he's a cutie!


Amy, I think the pic of Ceiba with the fluff would be the perfect one to place next to Max.

Also, thank you for the awesome stories you tell -- not just the stories, but the way you tell them. I confess I suffer from ACD (Amalah Compulsive Disorder) and find myself checking and re-checking until you update. As you can imagine, weekends are a very bitter time for me!!


Oh lord, I am so sick of hearing about that bagborroworsteal site. (I must get people emailing it to me at least three times a week.)

I will post my thoughts here and be done with it: I am not interested in renting bags for $20 a month, which is $240 a year, and that level of membership really doesn't get you anything great. (Ooh! J.Lo bags!)

Personally, I'd rather buy one gorgeous, classic bag a year for $200 or less and have it forever.

The other memberships are $50 a month and $99 a month, which: Dude. That's a lot of money just to temporarily look like you've got the money to buy trendy handbags.

I dunno. I can see how it could be very cool for the right person, but it's just not for me.


Wow, Six months...hard to believe. Well, as Groucho Marx once said, "Times flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."


Someone would have to pay ME to carry a JLO bag.


you wrote the perfect love letter.


I second Starbuck's suggestion about Ceiba with the fluff. Great photo.
And yeah, the entire blog for the last six months has been a long lovely letter to Noah.
What a lucky, lucky little guy. (And he looks like a CPA in training in the first photo.)


Goddamn, this was a funny post. Well done.


there's nothing quite like a good poop story!
Happy 6 months to Noah!!! He is adorable!


You are too funny!

I say print out this whole blog entry and slap it in the baby book. Then it's all there - the love, the chaos, and the just plain ewwwwww. If that doesn't sum up six months, I don't know what does.


Has he barfed on your shoulder and have you not realized that the ends of your hair were drug though said barf until hours later when you found the ends of your hair dried out and extra crispy?

Me either. Happy six month birthday Noah!

Lisa Ann

You made me laugh & cry with that post Amy.

Happy 1/2 birthday Noah.

Sarcastic Journalist

You are now officially a member of "The Club." Trial by poop, I call it.

Also? Him sitting up? CUTE.


warcrygirl: I totally know not of what you speak. At all. No.


He is so wonderful! I don't know how many times I can say that about a baby that's not mine, but he really is!

Thank you so much for sharing him with us.


I SO just got busted for laughing at my desk! Had to make up alternate story! Thanks!


I have been a quiet reader and haven't posted but I have to say... That top picture of Noah is so adorable it is worth speaking up about. He looks like a little man! Too cute!


You think you invented 6 month portraits.

I loved the letter you wrote to him. It's beautiful.


I totally saw the Noah-hanging-off the-changing-table thing. Why? Because I think most of us have done the same thing...or is it soley me and you?

Man, do I have some poop stories to tell you. lol.

Maybe you could add, "Noah, I love you no matter how much crap you throw my way...."

Happy 6 months Noah!


And to think all I got to do this week was clean up misfired vomit from around the toilet. (My two boys were BOTH sick and involved in some kind of tag team barfing fest.) I miss the old poopy baby days! Your Noah is truly scrumptious!!


for the record, much though we like to lie about it, not every baby is cute.

noah, though. noah is BEAUTIFUL.

congratulations. enjoy that little cherub.


I think husbands have a gene for not being home yet when something happens where we'd REALLY need their help. Like, say, a broken glass shelf in the fridge or a shattered bathroom mirror. Neither of which has EVER happened to me. Maybe.


Happy six months Noah! You're growing up so fast buddy. Things like exploding poop usually happens when you don't have anyone within miles of you to help. Don't we just love motherhood? ;)


Kids do crazy things to us, no? Who else can we still LOVE and ADORE, even though they literally SHIT ALL OVER US time and time again? Ah, babies.

This post reminds me of the time so long ago (like 6 weeks ago, um) that I had to hold my 5 yearold daughter over the kitchen sink to pee because our one and only bathroom was occupied.

Good times, good times.

Happy Six Months, Chick Magnet!


warcrygirl & Amalah:

OR done the whole post barf-fest clean up thing, only to find that several weeks later one of your little cutie's stuffed animals is crispy and um, fragrant?

I've not done that one, either. No.


Even when you're writing about poop, you make me so excited about having kids one day.

mama speak

Ok, so I'm LMAO over this story and out comes my 2YO from her non-nap to tell me "she went pee-pee" in her pants...on her bed. She still needs to go some more (we're more or less potty trained, a little less today I guess) and I pull down her pants and stick her on the toilet. She forgot to mention (and I forgot to look) that "oh yeah, she went poop too." ... so now, all down her legs, on the top of the toilet, on the front of the toilet, her socks....

It's a fecal kinda day I guess.


Happy six months, Noah! I bet you are so proud of the little guy. He's pretty darn impressive. And cute as heck.


Kay Amalah, seven sentences in that letter and I'm weeping. How do you do that?


Those pictures ... simply delicious.


Oh my god, SO FUNNY

Brown bear brown bear what do you see?
I see Noah shitting all over me!


you've got a lovely little man, there. :)


I spent the whole morning throwing up for some reason (my boyfriend thinks it's because I was really drunk last night, but I think it's because of a tummy bug) but it makes me feel a little better that I am not a kid. I can't even imagine throwing up and pooping everywhere for no particular reason.

Loved the letter!


Happy 6 months, Noah! Totally cute pics, as usual. Congrats to you, too, Amalah and Jason, for successfully making it through the first six months (by successful I mean everyone is still alive...except the stuffed taco bell dog. But was he really family?).


Being this close to having my own boy, I am being surrounded by the "truthes" and horror stories of what my husband and I are about to undertake. I really need to read something like this letter...you know, that you actually like being a parent. And that it's totally worth it.

Thanks for always being so honest. I appreciate it!


I haven't read the other comments, so pardon the redundancy if someone else has already said this, but...

Screw the "letters to the baby" thing! Just print off your entries! It will be a much more candid and honest portrayl of his early days of life, and if I were him I'd laugh my ass off reading this stuff! (Assuming he has inherited your sense of humor).


I am more of a puppy and kitten person, but I have to say, Noah is one of the cutest babies EVER. I think he and Mia should get engaged now!! Amy, you rock!


OMG! He looks SOOOO much like you in that first picture! Look at your toddler picture... and look at his six months picture.

You're got a little heartbreaker on your hands!



GREAT letter.


Happy 6 months little guy! (actually he's not so little anymore..lol) boo hooooooo People warned me before my son was born that time would fly by. I was all like, "yeah...uh huh ..whatever!" and uh yeah..he is now almost 4 months old and boy do I hate it when people are right..LOL


yes. precisely so.


<---chuckling. I love your writing. Very funny and oh, so true happenings at your place.


P.S.--Happy six month birthday Noah.


Happy Six Months and thanks for the laugh. I can't wait for those poopy times. Or maybe I can.


Best letter ever! ;)

Happy 6 months Noah. Matthias will be joining you in just a few days.


That first letter? The same ones I used to write my mom from camp! But the second letter? The best ever.

Wicked Stepmom

Ahh... yes, the things we do to contain the poop and protect our home. I, too, have used my own body as a leak guard from many a Total Ass Explosion. Fortunately, I have no dog to worry about. BUT we do have two puke eating cats -- their own or each others -- not the baby's. Blechhh!

Happy 6 months, Noahlah!


I can't quite explain why, but for some reason reading that made me super-excited for my wife to have her damn baby already. Thank you.


Congrats, Amy. Well...not so much for the poop but for the poopmaker and you and the poopmaker's father.

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