PC Load Letter Paper Jam
The Babies Like the Bandwidth

This Post Contains Entirely Too Much Discussion Of Nasal Cavity Secretions

I don't mean to be melodramatic here, people, but I have a cold and I think I am going to die.

Look! I see a bright light! I am heading towards the light! Take me home, Lord, away from this phlegmy and mouth-breathing existence and into the loving arms of...

Oh. It is not the light of heaven. It is simply the warm glow of my new 19-inch flatscreen monitor.

Noname

(Oooooh! Aaaaaaah!)

Lesson learned: If you want a fancy new work computer, you simply have to fuck your old one all the fuck up. Awesome.

And while I am very glad to hear that my trials inspired entire dozens of you to back up your own hard drives, or at least to comment about how you fully intend to back up your hard drives, you know, one of these days, you're just going through some things right now, I would like to bring this all back around to ME ME ME and how much it sucked when I lost my work computer and just how many people saw me in a hyper-caffeinated state of ABSOLUTE PANIC on Friday.

And also, I am so totally going to die. Death from a head cold, courtesy of our own precious bundle of infectious microbes, the baby formerly known as Noah, now affectionately and more accurately known as Baby Pukeface.

Speaking of His Royal Snotness, y'all are going to throw things at me when you get to the bottom of this entry and realize that once again, I have posted no baby pictures.

Words! What's with all the words? Does she not get that we care not about her stupid words?

See, I've been waiting for Noah's cold to go away, because while I will discuss the contents of his diaper or disclose that his nickname is, in fact and in all seriousness, Baby Pukeface, I really don't like posting pictures of him with a runny and/or booger-encrusted nose. And no matter how quick I am with the tissue (that yes, I've kept stuffed in my sleeve because I have suddenly become That Crazy Lady Who Keeps Used Tissues In Her Sleeve And Possibly Spits On Them Before Wiping Your Face Like, Fucking Gross, Dude), by the time I've focused the camera Noah's nose has once again gushed mucus anew.

So basically: If you want baby pictures, check back in the spring, or maybe once I reinstall Photoshop on my bitching new computer.

However, here is a picture of a DHL mailbin that has sat in my office lobby for well over a year now, and just this morning I noted that the sign is missing what I believe is the operative word, like, I'm an EDITOR, y'all:

Noname2

This is very funny to me, as I now read the sign in an affected British accent: Oh, do throw away please! Please, do. 'Twould be ever so smashing!

Helpful Network Guy: What?

Entire Internet: What?

Amy: Cold meds, people. I'm really sorry.

Comments

Lori

Amy, thank you for always making me laugh. Unless you are making me weep.

wordnerd

Damn -- thought I was first. So now I'm second, AND there are no angel baby pics because the angel baby's mama is a cruel, mean woman...I'm leaving now.

Feel better, Amy...I need pics. Please? I'll be nice...

Lori

And I really hate to tell you this, but once you start storing Kleenex in your sleeves and giving spitbaths to people, you are one step away from support hose, incontinence panties and random gray hairs spring from inappropriate places.
Welcome to the dark side.

Liz

Love the wallpaper.

CC

Bitchin' new 'puter! I've tried many times to fuck up my computer, but alas nothing's worked. Our IT guys are just too damn good (and I never thought I'd say that). So here I sit typing on the same computer I've had since 2001. (The horror!) Hope your cold goes away soon.

Bozoette Mary

Snorf.

Ali G

just wanted to let you know that it is totally ok not to post sick noah pics. considering noah will have to live with the fact the entire internet saw his snotty nose, i think it is only fair to show him at his cutest. like the pic on your monitor.

love the snazzy new computer. were they able to save anything from your old one? feel better!

Jessie

I'm with you on the cold meds, so that could be why this post made perfect sense to me and was also very entertaining. Awesome new computer! Also, the sign missing "not"? I would have laughed all day about that.

Emily

Oh, the only thing that makes me more ill than the thought of those Mom tissues is the thought of sharing an ice cream cone with a slobbery child... all the dripping, and the oozy saliva making it melt... oh horrors. Perhaps this is something you grow out of once you have one of your own? Regardless, the mere thought is forcing me to dry heave over my garbage can.

Heather B.

You're sick?? Why is it that when you're sick you look delightful and pretty? Where as I would look like warm cat puke? Hate.

Sarcomical

oh, i hope the pounding of the head cold from hell ceases and you can resume normalcy soon. and nothing is ickier than a snotty-puke baby. awww. poor noalah.

...um, did you take some very special cold medicine today or something? ;) no, really i get the funny of the note. i do.

*backs away slowly*

Hope

I caused my computer to Kernel Panic the other day in the hopes of getting a new Macbook Pro. No Dice. My boss just told me to fix it.

But my monitor is 21 inches! Nyah nyah! Sometimes it does pay to work in IT...

Amalah

Jessie - Yes, the sign is missing the word NOT. And now I'm wondering - did I mentally insert the word NOT into the sign every morning for the past year or is this just a new sign and NOT evidence that I am a very, very bad editor? Or am I kind of overthinking this?

Emily - I'm so sorry. I was exaggerating about the Mom tissues, I swear. But just hold still a second...you've got a little something on your cheek there...

Megan

Ooohh, so *that's* what I need to do to get a flat panel monitor. Think it would work on the soon-to-be-hubby at home too? Our home computer is Lame (yes, with the capital L, and yes, I said Lame). Hope you're feeling better soon! Maybe you need a quick stop at Coach to feel better? ;-)

Martha

Nyquil works well even during the day, honey.

jenn

get thee some zicam. that crap does miracles! it has saved my life multiple times.

Sadie

*looks around ofice to make sure no one noticed her reading an Internet photo of a DHL box aloud in a British accent*

*realizes her computer's wallpaper is a picture of her dog, not a cute baby, and dies inside, a little more each day*

alexandrialeigh

"Baby Pukeface" reminds me of that scene in When Harry Met Sally...

"Oh, but 'Bay Fishmouth' is sweeping the nation!"

God, I love Billy Crystal.

vague

I thought about backing up my computer when I read your last entry. But did I do it? Of course not. That would have made too much sense. But right now, on the other hand, when I have a million other things I should be doing, I am finally burning that disk! So, thanks, Amy, for inspiring me to a new level of responsibility and procrastination. Who'd have thought the two could combine so well? Like peanut butter and chocolate.

Also, I'll second the Zicam recommendation: it's helped me out, too.

Lori

I'm with Martha; whoever invented Nyquil should win the Nobel Prize for Medicine, at least.

Vaguely Urban

Oh, DO post pictures of the snot-nosed Noah! It will be ever so much fun!

Starbuck

You should try Cold-Eeze. They are lozenges and you take them at the first sign of a cold until all symptoms are gone. I took one at bedtime b/c I couldn't stop coughing what with PND. The very next morning, I was completely well. Granted, the taste was with me for a good 24 hours but it was well worth it since I.was.well!! And I usually get colds that torture me for 2-3 weeks.

Congratulations on the new monitor! I myself happen to be getting an awesome new dishwasher this week to replace the crappy excuse for a dishwasher I have currently.

mmc

I will thank you for making me laugh every day, baby pics or no, but please tell me HOW THE HELL you managed to spread that snot-laden, germ-riddled disease through the computer waves across all these miles to TX?

Just ignore the slime on the screen....oh, wait, that's on mine.....

Zoot

And here? In Alabama? You pretty much have to sign over your first born to buy any cold medicine anymore. They try to keep people from making Crystal Meth by making the rest of us perform for our drugs. Dammit.

Anne Glamore

I swore I'd never spit on my finger then rub dirt off my kid's face like my mom did to me. I don't think we'd even left the hospital before I started. So don't feel bad about being the crazy tissue lady. It's part of the feminine mystique. Heh.

Lumpyheadsmom

I'm not sure what all these suggestions about cold medicine are about. You need tequila. or rum. Maybe both, together with some apple juice, if you're tummy is feeling fragile.

Throw in some vitamin C for a placebo effect and you'll be raring to go in no time.

Lumpyheadsmom

gack.

I changed "if you're feeling fragile" to "if your tummy is feeling fragile" and forgot to change the your.

gack gack gack. Please, for the love of god, fix it! It makes my eyes bleed.

Y

All of you people trying to be first have obviously never read the bible in which someone, perhaps Jesus, I don't know, I wasn't paying close attention, said "The FIRST shall be LAST in heaven."

Ha! Ha!

Will you guys EVER STOP BEING SICK? I feel bad for you and want to make you chicken soup and force vitamin C tablets down your throat.

xoxo

alexa

I would totally call my babe "Baby Pukeface". Thanks for assuring me that's it is fine to call your child unflattering names (when they cant understand you). feel better soon!

claudia

I had that cold all December. When the cold itself is pretty much gone, you get to the dry hacking cough for no good reason stage. Which will keep you up all night at least once. That's when you should get the Mucinex DM. That stuff really works.

Lisa

This is totally unrelated but something I have been dying to ask forever. Are you related or something to all and sundry? Because you guys always update your sites on the exact same days! I swear its so weird but everyday I check both sites and I can be totally sure that if you have a new post she will too. Especially since you guys dont update everyday. Seems really strange to me. Maybe you guys are friends or its just a huge coicidence but I had to mention it after checking today and this is the like 15th time since day one I started reading that they were updated same day almost same time!

feffer

That's funny, Lisa! I've been noticing that for weeks.

Julie

As long as you don't start keeping the tissue in the depths of your very large, very old lady bra (like my beloved mother) you are good. I used to hide from her when I had a runny nose, because I was afraid that she would go fishing around in her cleavage in front of my friends. Oh yes she did!

LotionBarBunny

OMGosh Amy, you could do a commercial where they portray someone with "medicine head." I hope you feel better soon!

Tara

Hey Amalah
I have been reading you for a while there are a couple of you I read daily. Yall have been an ispiration to me and I hope you dont mind that I linked to you on my new blog. Its only out of respectm however if you prefer me not to , I will remove.

Thanks,

Tara

PaintingChef

Ah yes...let us join together in the love of the 19 inch flat screen monitor...

Seriously? I try daily to touch mine inappropriately...no shit. Its the greatest thing ever, and so then I got to work and saw mine normally "will do just fine" monitor and was all "Bah! You suck!"

And please. I don't even HAVE a baby and I keep random kleenexes everywhere. You'll be alright.

Ann Coleman

Do you know, I have a serious phobia/icky complex over crumpled tissues that I firmly believe started with mom's tissues! (She also had major allergies.) I have gotten to the point where I can pick up a piece of crumpled computer paper while mildly cringing, but cannot have crumpled tissues or napkins in my presence (or at least my line of sight) and I sure ain't pickin' em up!

Surprised my mom has been calling me "The Queen" since I was about 2? (I don't know what her problem is, she named me Ann Regina... it means graceful queen for god's sake! And since she was WAY off on the graceful...

Anyway, be ready for your child to possibly HATE the sight of a tissue- even at 32! (And yes, I use them, but I fold them neatly! Is that so hard?)

Contrary

Just teach Noah to do what my kiddo does when he has a runny nose. He just uses his tongue as a tissue.

Yes, it's every bit as disgusting as it sounds. Perhaps more.

Just to clarify, I do try to stop him, but the tongue is quicker than the tissue.

So far my other kids have mostly grown out of their various disgusting habits. I hope this one does too.

Y'all get to feelin better.

jamie

Try some Airborne. Developed by a teacher! Recommended by Kevin Costner! Ahahaha... http://www.airbornehealth.com/ But I heard it really does work when you start to feel sick.

And yes.. there's the tic and my niece was a big fan of screaming and crying whenever a Kleenex was within sight.

Nothing But Bonfires

I'll read it to you. I have the MOST affected British accent EVER.

Jill

Starbuck is right. Cold-eeze works miracles. It's just zinc and some other stuff, but has saved me so much cold misery this winter. The taste is kind of metalic, but it is so worth it. And such an easy solution.

Hope you're feeling better asap.

kalisah

much as I love to see photos of His Preciousness, thanks for sparing us the snotty nose.

Dude, that is one big monitor. When I opened your site, I thought it was a big screen tv. I thought Noah was on TV.

Lilly

Man! I just know if I fuck a computer up at work they'll just shove it up my ass. But that's what I get for being a sportsbook clerk and not a big-time editor like you, oh Queen Of Everything.

On another subject, one tablespoon honey and lemon? Works miracles on nasty colds. I just hope you and Noahlah feel better soon.

And you know? I'm wondering if you recovered the files from your old computer... Did Helpful Network Guy see anything?

Sarcastic Journalist

I just wipe my childrens' snot on their clothes. I'm cool like that.

Amy

Mama Spit? Stronger than 409.

Sherry

Sherry: I lurve you, Amy

Amalah: sniffle What?

Sherry: Gah. Nevermind.

Your damn kid is damn cute. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Missie

Lovin the Noah screen saver. You should license his image to help defray the cost of tissue.

Theresa

*twitch twitch*

the kim half of glamorouse

None of it counts until the tissue no longer resides up the sleeve, but in the top corner of your bra.

Jem

Aww. I hope you feel better.

Tory

Hey! I have the exact same monitor at work! It's pretty bitchin'.

Hope you feel better soon...

Ninotchka

But we love pictures of babies looking like glazed donuts! (kidding) (sort of)

Hope you ALL feel better soon. Anna Sofia just got over the boogies. I was using my shirt to keep up with the demand. Suddenly tissues up sleeves don't sound so bad, now do they? LOL

Liza

What happened to Snarkywood?

Feel better Amy!!

Maliavale

I got The Cold of Death and Doom and a new 19-inch flat panel in the same week, too! It was safe to say I was officially tripping out over the graphics and the meds. Feel better!

Sabrina

Love the flatscreen. Oh la la! Hope you get to feeling better. Tylenol Cold and Sinus works pretty well, you may want to try that one.

Aunt C

OhMYGOD I have the same wall paper on my desktop too!! Save the boobies!!

Mujer Maravilla

You know, I don't like posting pics of my son when he's all snotty, either. Seems wrong, somehow.

I'm not, however, above posting pics of him throwing a fit in his car seat.

sheilah

I tried to stop myself from spitting on a tissue to clean my son's face but it was Like. I. Couldn't. Help. Myself.

If must be some kind of Darwinian thing. Dirt on Child's Face = Mother With Spit-Soaked Tissue.

It will happen to you too.

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