Six Months

We Are All Totally Going to Die of the Chicken Pox!

Internet Lesson #47934780843: Do not ask the Internet for medical advice or opinions of any kind. Seriously. You may think it's kind of cute or that you'll get some reassurance that you are indeed freaking out about nothing, but no. You will be told that you are going to die.

Internet Lesson #99384672368: Do not talk about vaccines. AT ALL. You will be told that you are stupid, wrong, misinformed and also, totally going to die.

Parenthood Lesson #17: HEAT RASH, DUMBASS.

You know, considering that I STILL get emails from people suggesting diaper rash remedies, you'd think I would learn that me + rashes + the Internet = neverending insanity.

I also had a whole long thing typed up about the chickenpox vaccine thing -- exactly why I plan to pass on it at Noah's 12-month visit, why I want to delay it, why "delay" does not mean "never ever,"  why I do not need to be told how terrible chickenpox is for older children and adults, because this has pretty much been one of my biggest fears since adolescence besides having to outrun an erupting volcano someday, why I would never let Noah grow up with that same fear, why it's all a balancing act of getting sick vs. vaccination vs. which option provides the best lifelong protection, how I got the first shot of the vaccine at 20 years old and became too sick to receive the second shot yet received absolutely no immunity benefits, and also why I would never ever judge anyone for making a different decision regarding their child's health or tell them that they are going to die.

But then I deleted it. Meh.

Anyway, Noah's rash was good old-fashioned heat rash. It started on the belly and then spread to his back and underarms, and since teething has made him sort of miserable and even a little feverish, I once again convinced myself that it was the pox, the pox we are all totally going to die from, and there you have it. A few cool sponge baths and a couple hours sans clothing cleared it right up, and I am officially a Spaz.

Also: Not talking about it anymore. Really. As of the end of this sentence. Right...here. Period.


Anyway, today I actually want to update y'all on my mom, since so many of you have been so nice to ask about her.

She was originally scheduled to have a lumpectomy on April 24th. APRIL. TWENTY-FOURTH. This was...kind of annoying, because what the hell do you do in the meantime? Oh yes, there's a lump. A lump that was not there six months ago, and now it is, how about that, let's give it another two months before we do a single fucking blessed thing about it!

I taught myself to cross-stitch in the meantime; that's how crazy the whole thing drove me.

My poor mom, in the meantime, developed vertigo AND got a pelvic ultrasound, because piling on is FUN, and hooray, there's something wrong there too.


So now, on top of the lumpectomy, she needs a D&C to determine if she does indeed have uterine cancer. It could be nothing. We're hoping for nothing. We like nothing. Let's hear it for the Seinfeldian uterus!

Of course, the good news is that hey, perhaps APRIL TWENTY-FOURTH is not really such a great idea anymore. So both procedures will take place on April 7th.

*crosses arms, stares at calendar, thinks about learning how to knit*





Sigh. All better now. Thank you, monkeyturtletoes.



Glad it's just heat rash, DS gets that a lot. DS has had his vacc's up to 12 months, but not all of them. Considering not doing any more. All personal choice, poo to anyone who disagrees with MY decicisions for MY child I say. Wishing your mom all the best, and your family.


i know that hearing this from some girl on the internet doesn't really mean that much, but: I will definitely be praying for you mom. I fucking hate cancer. I'm really sorry that she is going through this, and that the rest of you are too. FUCK CANCER.


So sorry to hear about nanalah (I had the wrong name yesterday - sorry). Will send many positive thoughts and prayers your way for the next few weeks.

My Mom and my MIL were dx with cancer within 3 months of each other (neither with uterine although my Mom is a 7 yr survivor of cervical cancer which incindentally is NOT the cancer she is currently fighting). Fuck Cancer is my sentiment exactly. I may have to get that pattern and just keep on hand for the next person as my good christian church going mother would be appalled to receive something like that although it would give me great joy to see her reaction upon receiving it :) (is that sadistic???).

I love the monkey toes - dammit quit killing me over here.

Big Gay Sam

((((hugs for Miss Amy))))

Thank God she's getting treated now with all the wonders of modern medicine. Being a devout Christian I hope you don't mind me sending prayers and well wishing to you and yours.

Also, those are the cutest damn monkey toes I've ever seen. :D


Wow I'm happy they moved her date up! I hope it all ends well and she does great!

Oh and we are holding off on the cp vax too. :P We'll get it eventually if they don't get it on their own. Jeesh people. If our ped says it is ok then I think it will be O.K. Sometimes people just need to calm down a bit! :)

LOVE the photo ending. He is adorable as always.



Long time reader, first time poster...the similarity was too weird to let it go by.

Also, I will keep your mom in my prayers.

Just Susie

Dude my Liam had the same thing. Heat rash. I took pictures of it at home because whenever I brought him into the doctor the shit disappeared making me look even more insane.

We passed on the Hepatitis shot at birth because we had no idea what it was. We got it for his 3 days later but you would have though we dropped him in a vulcano for God's sake.

Just Susie

Oh and I'm an asshole. Best thoughts and prayers regarding your mum.


Redundant at this point, I know, but my prayers are with your family and especially your Mom. Also, baby toes kinda make me melt.


I'm sorry to read that and I hope all goes well for her and let's hear it for big fat nothing on all counts.

reluctant housewife

Thank you for letting us know how your mom is doing. I'm sorry that your family has to wait so long to see the doctors. I'm also praying for it to be nothing.


Here's to "NOTHING." Best of luck to your mom.


Prayers and good tidings and lots of feet kicking cancer in the ass for your momma. Hang in there.


Any cancer is too much cancer - bastard thing.
I will light a candle and send some healing white light your way on April 7 (its actually my Poppy's bday, so theres a good chance i'll remember)...

OK, those little flinstone feet had my ovaries doing sommersaults.

the kim half of glamorouse

Ames - I got robbed on Tuesday and have been playing quite the victim. But your Mum, man. My thoughts are with you guys all the way.


We're thinking about your Mom, Amy, and wishing all of you the best.

Glad Noah's rash was nothing and that he's on the mend.


Wow! I will be keeping your family in my prayers. Love the cross stitch!



Oh, Amalah, when it rains it pours, doesn't it? Pours big buckets of shit all over you. Best, best, BEST wishes to your mom. Hoping for a flawless lumpectomy and Seinfeldian uterus!


I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Zoots Mom

Prayers and best wishes from Tennessee ......


Hugs. Thinking of you and your mom. I'm so so sorry Amy.


Psst - if y'all aren't clicking on http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/ everyday, you ought to be! Because there is, as Amy says, "Too Much Fucking Cancer..."


Thinking about your mom, Amy. I hope for the best for her and your family!

Bozoette Mary

I'll be thinking of you and keeping your mom in my thoughts and prayers (such as they are).



So very sorry about your mom.

About a million yrs ago, you were kind enough to give me a hair stylist recommendation. As it turns out, I work in health policy so if you assistance finding support groups, research, etc...

Also, there is plenty o' knitting in metro DC. There are even a couple Stitch n'Bitch groups around (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/snb_dc/) and (http://www.dcknitting.net/).


Amy, I am so sorry you are dealing with the crank internet people with their never-ending obnoxious advice on top of the stress of your mom's health. I'll keep your mom in my prayers and if you ever are serious about learning to knit, let me know and I'll send you the gear. I've found it is a very therapeutic way to deal with stress.


Oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear the news about your mother! I will keep my fingers, toes, arms, legs, whatever crossed for you both of you as well.

P.S. Knitting is super-therapeutic. :)




Final word on pox -- one poster yeterday said "people who get the pox as adults are prone to a second syndrome called post herpetic neuralgia which can cause psycosis, blindness, or death.Good times!" I'm not a doc, but I believe what this mouthful translates to is "shingles" which is very painful, AND you can get it no matter what age you got the pox. The virus lives on quietly in your body like herpes. I had my kids vaccinated because (a) the risk of complications like infection and scarring even from a childhood case of the pox; (b) the kids might not be at risk of shingles later in life (though I'm not positive). But of course you mut do as you think best for your own kids :-)

Erin O'Brien

Whenever I turn to the internet for medical advice, I am told I have a veneral disease.


I have entirely too little sex to have a venereal disease. And all of the sex I do have is with one man.


Adorable toes!

I'm glad that your mother's appointment was moved up. Fingers crossed. That cross-stitch pattern is awesome.



Do we really need your particular story? Do we? Before you post it do you think maybe the 100+ stories before you were enough or is your tale of pox horror going to change our lives for the better?

I'm no longer reading the comments section.


Fuck cancer, indeed.


Further more....FUCK POX! And all the debate about it.


Oh those cute huge feet of Noah's!!! How can one not smile from that? I wish you the best to you and your mom. She's lucky to have a daughter with such a great sense of humor. No doubt that will make her get better alot faster!! =D


i went through almost the exact same thing last week...including posting a picture on my blog.

i got all sorts of comments. it's excema! it's a rash! it's chicken pox!

and my friend, who's a doctor, gave me his first internet diagnosis. it was viral. no biggie. i worried my arse off for nothing...


Your mum will be in my thoughts, I really hope that it isn't cancer. I totally want one of those cross stitches, cool and packed full of my sentiment about the disease since 2003...fuck it, fuck it in it's big, lumpy, cells-growing-out-of-control ASS.

On the rash thing, internet people are fucking mentalists, and the majority of the people who email you with assvice? They need to start learning the difference between being caring/helpful and just being downright preachy, obnoxious and rude. Dammit people, shut the hell up!


Best wishes to your Mom! I'll keep her in my prayers.


I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. I will keep you guys in my thoughts.

Fraulein N

Best of luck to your mom!


Man, that babalah, he is one drooly boy!

Also, I'll pray for your mom. My family had a cancer scare of its own recently--my mom's younger sister found a lump in her breast, which turned out to be cancer, but they think they've cut it all out. The oldest sister is already dying of brain cancer, so you can imagine how we took this news. Some more tests still need to be done to make sure.

Anyway, I don't know exactly what you're going through, but my aunt is one of my favorite people, so I have a tiny clue. Good luck.

Melissa F.

Lots of love and happy thoughts to you guys!! Here's hoping to a cancer-free doctor's visit!

And please, for the love of all that is holy, stop the pox!!! AAAHHH!

bad penguin

Good luck to your mom. I'll keep my fingers crossed for nothing but good news on April 7th.


Happy thoughts to your mom!

(April 24 is my birthday)

Mama C-ta

Sending lots of positive thoughts to you and your family. My MIL had uterine cancer and she's now cancer free for 1 year. I know it's still very hard and scary and unfair but from what I hear, if you HAVE to have cancer, uterine is the easiest to recover from. Sorry I know that doesn't help much but I'm really thinking about you guys.

Those toes really do have to help keep your mind off of things, adorable.


All my best thoughts going out to your Mum. I wanted to post yesterday but my website was down so the comment section wouldn't let me. Garghh


What a coincidence! You post about this and my little boy comes down with the CHICKEN POX! And he was vaccinated!


I had the pox at 21. It wasn't bad at all and I got to stay home from school and watch bad tv and drink during the day. (You know, to stop the itching??) My mom didn't give me the vaccine and look- I'm JUST FINE.

But just to make you feel better- when I was 6 she thought I had the Pox and it was just fleas from my cat. I mean, I didn't have fleas, just flea bites.

Fingers crossed for your mom.

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