I am Utterly Obsessed with HBO's New Series Big Love But Was Unable to Seamlessly Weave That Into This Mess of an Entry
We Are All Totally Going to Die of the Chicken Pox!

WebMD

Dear Smart People of the Internet:

Please tell the dumb girl this is not what she thinks it is.

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ACK.

I know I'm totally the Girl Who Cried Pox, since I freak out over every single rash he gets. One time I called my mom to report that Noah most definitely had chickenpox this time I really mean it, only to realize that I had red ink all over my hands and was simply smearing it on Noah every time I touched him, which was why the "rash" was spreading at an alarming rate RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES OMG.

My freak-out is completely selfish, as I'm all for Noah getting the pox over with before he's old enough to discover his fingernails and the Glory That Is A Good Scratch, but I NEVER HAD CHICKEN POX. THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME.

I planned to sweet-talk Noah's pediatrician into vaccinating me at his next visit, which is next week, like, OF COURSE.

(The Sidenote of Controversy! I am not going to vaccinate Noah against chickenpox, because as an adult who has never gotten the disease, and who has known for the better part of a decade that she needs the damn vaccine, yet still has not gotten said damn vaccine, I prefer for him to get his immunity the old-fashioned way -- just so I'm not calling him at college to bug him about getting the booster shot, knowing full well that he already spent his vaccine money on beer.)

Anyway, I think I am maybe being stupid about a harmless rash again (AGAIN!), but I'm taking him to the doctor anyway, if only to use that awesome "infectious disease" entrance they have with the special intercom.

Amy: Buzzzz

Nurse: Hello?

Amy: UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!

Nurse: Yes, yes, please come in.

Amy: A POX ON THEE.

UPDATE! Not pox, just like you smart people said. While a couple spots were getting very fluidy-zit-like, the majority of the bumps faded by the time we GOT TO THE DOCTORS, BECAUSE OF COURSE. Looks like it's time to switch laundry detergents and for me to maybe chill the fuck out.

I'm getting vaccinated next week. God.

And Now, Some Non-Rash Excitement, Or Pretty Much The Highlight Of My Whole Weekend:

We went to Whole Foods and did the little thing where they send your groceries down to the parking garage on a dumb waiter and give you a number to claim them.

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I take my organic prune juice shaken, not stirred.

HA! We're lame. Yes.

And Now, Um...Some Pictures, Because I Am Kind Of Not Doing So Well With The Writing Thing Today

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THE DEMENTED TURTLE. HA HA HA HA. HA!

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Noah would like to give you a hug and possibly gum your face a little bit.

 

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Just don't let him suck on your nose anymore. Or you know, ever, because who lets their baby suck on their nose? Not me, that's for sure, oh no.

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Ouch.

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Who, me? I'm just sitting here like some kind of TODDLER ALL OF A SUDDEN, thinking of fast and effective ways to pass varicella directly into my mom's sinuses.

Comments

Starbuck

I refuse to even address the original topic any further, but am anxious to throw in my 2 cents about your other suggested topic, polygamy!!

I am totally for polygamy, EXCEPT I want my husband to have more wives. Who wants more husbands (like I need MORE cooking and laundry, puhleeze!!)? No, people, more wives is the way to go. Think about it. As the fist wife, I'd be the boss, a job I'm certain I would excel at with little or no training. I can say things like mop the floor, do the laundry, make dinner, fetch my bon-bons and (my personal favorite) I'm going shopping. And since they are "extra" wives, there'd be no need to pay them. So remember, while more husbands my have short-term appeal, more wives will definitely have longer lasting benefits.

Starbuck

"first wife" that is, not fist wife.

spammit/ anne nahm

Hahaha Starbuck! Being the 'fist wife' sounds like the kind of fun I don't wanna have.

But I do agree: I needs me more wives! Husbands? Bah. Pole smokers, all of 'em. (Not you, Mr. Nahm. Not you.)

Contrary

Maybe if Nicole P.'s daddy had had more than one wife, ONE of them would have let the poor child stay home instead of camping with zee pox.

Out of all those posts, that was the one I was most horrified by. In case you're taking a poll. Which you're probably not since we're not talking about zee pox anymore.

I'd like to declare a subject change exemption on the grounds that I just got here and didn't get to comment when the commenting was good (good meaning horrifying and scary).

I think I'm gonna have to watch that damned show now. Damnit.

Kafaleni

I am veery late on this, and it's probably already been said, but..

If you get vaccinated against chicken pox and don't get Noah vaccinated also, he will probably get the pox very soon, because the cure for chicken pox is... chicken pox! Diluted chickenpox viral cells, to be sure, but chicken pox nonetheless, which will render you infectious to others and Noah for a short period of time,until your body creates the antibodies to give you immunity. I have seen cases of the reverse, where a non-immunised mother got POLIO when she vaccinated her child for it... but I'm gonna shut up now.

As you say, though, better to get it all out of the way now and not have to worry about it.

:) Best of luck!

Karen Rani

A toofer! Ooooo you're in for it now!

Ninotchka

Wow! I missed the bus on this one...still, I'm glad it's not pox! He's so darned cute, that kid.

Jamila

hey, I just act like an RE, not a ped. I'm glad all the other pseudo-MDs gave you such, uh, interesting advice. I just had to say how grown-up Noah looks in that last pic!! Are you dying at his non-baby-ish-ness now?

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