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March 2006
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May 2006

The Big Fucking Sigh Of Relief

The breast lump is NOT CANCER. I REPEAT: NOT. CANCER. Still waiting on results from the uterine thing, but on the day of the surgery my mom's doctor was all, "Pfft. Is nothing. Is FINE." So I'm thinking we're okay there too. There is still entirely Too Much Fucking Cancer out there, but for now, it's gotten the hell off my lawn. And for that, I am extremely happy. Thank you so much, sweet Internet people, for your thoughts and prayers and crossed appendages during this scary time for us. I believe with all my heart that it made all the difference in the world. Yay! Read more →

The Blog Equivalent to Tapping My Foot Impatiently While Glaring at the Phone

Two lessons I have learned about myself this week: 1) I do not function well while waiting for family members' biopsy results. 2) I not function well at all no sleep baby crying every night what is his problem oh my GOD. Actually, I know what his problem is. Or what his problems is. Are. Whatever. 1) Friday night: Thunderstorm. Stupid nature. 2) Saturday night: Strange Pack-n-Play in strange room in strange house and AAAAHHHHH GOING TO DIE HATE IT HERE HATE YOU HATE LIFE DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ME SLEEP IN THAT THING I KNOW IT'S REALLY A HAMPER AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. 3) Sunday night: Is the new Saturday night. 4) Monday night: Back home, just when he was starting to really LIKE that damn Pack-n-Play. 5) Tuesday night: Um. Teeth? Heat rash? Ear infection? Typhoid? Air? Existance? Payback for all the yakking I've done recently about his amazingly predictable sleep habits? (DING DING DING. We have a winner, Bob.) (OH MY GOD. WHY DON'T WE HAVE BIOPSY RESULTS YET? IT HAS BEEN WEDNESDAY FOR HOURS NOW.) Anyway, I am feeling very listy today, which is fortunate because I have apparently been tagged for some sort of...listy thing. I don't know.... Read more →

khfkshyl! and also zzzzzzxyiaf

We're home after a super-extra-exhaustifying weekend in Pennsylvania. My mom is doing extremely well, considering. We'll get biopsy results on Wednesday. Then we shall all breathe a big fat collective sigh of relief, because I think everything is going to be FINE. (YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE? FINE. FIIIIINE. HOP TO IT.) Right now, I must go sleep for a few dozen hundred hours, because the child, the gorgeous golden child light of our lives, did not sleep all weekend. AT ALL. NO SLEEP. He screamed instead. He screamed for so many hours that Jason and I were sent back in time to those horrific first days home with a newborn when we sang lullabies with the words baby baby baby why won't you fucking sleep already and then we walked into walls during the day in desperate hope of knocking ourselves into a nice blissful coma. Also: Do not permit your in-laws to buy your child this toy. DO. NOT. Walls will not be enough. You will soon contemplate sticking the silverware into your ears. Anyway. We're home. We're tired. But...honestly... Even when it's bad, it's never that bad, you know? Read more →

Avant Bloggarde

OR, THE MOST RANDOM BUNCH OF CRAP EVER THROWN TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF UPDATING AND KEEPING MY MIND OFF MY MOM'S SURGERY TODAY, INCLUDING TRANSITIONS FROM AN IMPROMPTU EMAIL SHOUTING MATCH YVONNE AND I HAD YESTERDAY REGARDING THE NAMING OF VARIOUS MEAT PRODUCTS I am out of clean clothes. OUT. My dry-cleaning pile is large and fierce and has taken over the floor of my bedroom AND the Pack-N-Play, which honestly I'm finding more useful as a hamper than I ever did as a bassinet, and I'm frankly a little scared to disturb the pile because I think the proteins from the spit-up stains sparked with some static electricity and created life -- life that has just entered the Industrial Age and invented a cotton gin. Also: spiders. I am not kidding about the pile. Just one of the many things I trust our babysitter not to reveal to the Internet regarding the way we live, like the fact that we have no toilet paper roll dispenser. To: Yvonne From: Amy HAM. I love that word. It just makes laugh. HAMMY! To: Amy From: Yvonne HAM. Pork. Sausage. Beef. Come to think of it, I think all meat related... Read more →

This Entry Mentions Vaccines and Chickenpox but Not Daycare

Fear not, gentle readers, as I now have chickenpox antibodies COURSING through my veins. Noah's pediatrician also talked me into a pertussis/diphtheria/tetanus upgrade, although I did say no to the meningococcal undercoating and a LoJack. I am pleased to report that I handled my shots like a champ, unlike SOME PEOPLE, who honestly can be such babies about a couple of needle sticks, GOD. He also wouldn't trade his Snoopy bandaids for my Tweety ones. Brat. Six-month stats Weight: 17 pounds, 15 ounces Height: 27.5 inches Head Circumference: 18 inches Brilliance: Obvious Pediatrician's Awareness of this Blog: Oh, crap Read more →

The Other Very Important Things I Do With My Time

From my company's employee newsletter, April 1, 2006 edition: Haaaaa. I'm so funny. Geese! Paparazzi geese! Brilliant! (The type of brilliance that only comes from a board room committee meeting for discussing work-appropriate humor-related strategies and deadlines for said humor strategies and morale-boosting synergies.) (The box. We are outside of it!) But you know what? Those geese really are nasty little fuckers. (This goose was NOT a fan of me OR my camera phone and totally charged after me with naked honking aggression after I snapped this picture. I would have taken another picture of the actual charging, but I was too busy SHRIEKING AND RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.) (I fucking hate geese.) (To be fair, they started it, way back during a second-grade field trip to Amish Country. I was just standing there with my little hands in my pockets and this punk-ass crazy-ass stupid-ass goose stuck his head through a fence and BIT MY ARM, ripped the lovely quilting on my coat from Burlington Coat Factory and BROKE SKIN, OH MY GOD. And then my teacher yelled at me to stop taunting the geese, and then I cried, because my teacher thought I was the type of girl... Read more →