The breast lump is NOT CANCER.
I REPEAT: NOT. CANCER.
Still waiting on results from the uterine thing, but on the day of the surgery my mom's doctor was all, "Pfft. Is nothing. Is FINE." So I'm thinking we're okay there too.
There is still entirely Too Much Fucking Cancer out there, but for now, it's gotten the hell off my lawn. And for that, I am extremely happy.
Thank you so much, sweet Internet people, for your thoughts and prayers and crossed appendages during this scary time for us. I believe with all my heart that it made all the difference in the world.