Avant Bloggarde
April 07, 2006
OR, THE MOST RANDOM BUNCH OF CRAP EVER THROWN TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF UPDATING AND KEEPING MY MIND OFF MY MOM'S SURGERY TODAY, INCLUDING TRANSITIONS FROM AN IMPROMPTU EMAIL SHOUTING MATCH YVONNE AND I HAD YESTERDAY REGARDING THE NAMING OF VARIOUS MEAT PRODUCTS
I am out of clean clothes. OUT. My dry-cleaning pile is large and fierce and has taken over the floor of my bedroom AND the Pack-N-Play, which honestly I'm finding more useful as a hamper than I ever did as a bassinet, and I'm frankly a little scared to disturb the pile because I think the proteins from the spit-up stains sparked with some static electricity and created life -- life that has just entered the Industrial Age and invented a cotton gin. Also: spiders.
I am not kidding about the pile.
Just one of the many things I trust our babysitter not to reveal to the Internet regarding the way we live, like the fact that we have no toilet paper roll dispenser.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
HAM. I love that word. It just makes laugh.
HAMMY!
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
HAM.
Pork. Sausage. Beef.
Come to think of it, I think all meat related terms are funny.
And now, I present what may be the worst photo of Noah ever taken.
I am posting it because the child has decided that TWO teeth are a good idea. I am very mad at him about this.
The first tooth kind of snuck up on us all, and really wasn't too big of a deal at all (one morning: hello tooth nub! welcome to the mouth! take a dip in the slobber pool and stay awhile!), and I was confident in my Smug Assholeness that once again, I don't know WHAT some people are complaining about, these baby things just raise themselves!
The second tooth is bad. The second tooth is evil. The second tooth will destroy us all.
The first tooth. The second tooth cannot be photographed, much like a vampire's fang.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
BACON
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
WEINERS
Look at how pretty and artistic! It's really amazing what you can accomplish when you still have NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO OPERATE YOUR GODDAMNED CAMERA.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
POTTED MEAT PRODUCT
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
CHOPPED LIVER
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
HEADCHEESE
And now, a pimping interlude...
Y'all would not believe the amount of email I get from various companies asking me to plug their goods and services on my site. And I don't think they really read my site because otherwise they MUST know that a She's the Man poster giveaway is probably not something I can seamlessly weave into an entry about sofa poop.
I'm usually too chicken to email these people back to kindly request that they BUY A DAMN AD, because while my content is about 99% not for sale, my sidebar 100% is.
But! Today I am going to pimp a few things.
My buddy Brandon has asked for our help with a survey he's conducting for a new business venture, because (as he put it) you minions are his target demo. Go please click here and take a short survey for him.
NOW. MEAN IT. This entry isn't going anywhere.
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
CARNE ASADA
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
BEEF FUCKING BRISKET
Next up is my fellow Snarkywood contributer Jen and her new book: Bitter is the New Black. She sent me a copy because her heart is not actually made of jelus-Olsen-twin-hating tar. Or maybe it is, but she's just nice occasionally. Anyway, the book is hilarious and you should all buy it.
NOW! AM BOSSY!
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
*wonders if our competitive nature is taking over*
CHITTERLINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
BRRRRAAAAAAAINNNNNNNSSSSSS
*and also yeah, I think so*
And lastly, reader Amy and her line of fleece clothing at peanutpie.net. Amy actually did do the nice thing and bought an ad, and then introduced herself and offered to send Noah some clothes. And while I am usually kind of horrified to have any interaction with my advertisers because I feel badly about taking their money for SIDEBAR PIXELS, how could I resist free baby clothes?
Especially free baby clothes that look like this:
Look out behind you, Noah! Mama's baring her scary teeth in preparation of eating you whole!
Lord have mercy, people, is this stuff ever cute. And available right here! HOW ABOUT THAT.
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
HAHA. I'M LAUGHING SO HARD, BUT ALSO VERY SERIOUS because VICTORY WILL BE MINE...
OMG. TURKAAAAAAAYYYY.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY CHILD.
AND YET.
TURDUCKEN.
Would anybody like to see a blurry picture of my cat?
You are welcome. Poor Max deserved some airtime, I think.
At one time, I would have spent 20 minutes trying to get him to look at the camera and snap the perfect shot. Now I don't even bother fully charging up the flash.
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
You leave, I WIN!
MUTTON.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
LAMB CHOPS.
ALSO, THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN MEAT CLUB, BECAUSE I AM POSTING THIS WHEN I GET HOME.
It's nice to know that other people can be amused by the names of meat. And be completely random.
I don't think potted meat product is actually meat. I don't know what the hell it is.
Other than disgusting, that is.
No mention of salami? I'm so disappointed in you girls.
But not really. I hate salami.
I feel ya on the piles in the bedroom.
i cannot tell you how much i can relate to the piles. only i hide them all upstairs. that's the trick.
;)
i love the second tooth! even if we must look away at its hideousness.
PIMENTO LOAF.
this kinda reminded me of a game we played during sorority rush when we would try to inject previously agreed upon random words into conversation with the freshman girls. One of the words was HAMBONE, and a girl used it as the first name of her hockey-playing boyfriend from Minnesota. I fell over laughing. I don't think the freshman chose us.
I have no toilet paper dispenser. Painted two years ago, took the damn thing out of the wall and couldn't get it back in. Now we have a 6 inch square hole in our wall and the toilet paper sits on the back of the toilet. Or next to the sink. Or on the floor. Or on the counter on the other side of the wall, just out of reach of the toilet. But you seldom discover this until after you need the toilet paper roll. Once in awhile it can be found IN the toilet. Thank you four year old.
Hee...potted meat... Reminds of one of your faves, the fabulous Mr. Lileks and his gallery of regrettable food... And my sister and I were having a similar discussion about runaway laundry piles last night. Sigh - but we sadly do not have a squeezably cute little boy with two drooly teeth to explain our piles. Sigh. Good luck with everything today.
That is a HIGHLY impressive clothing pile. I have one too that has taken over one corner of my room along with a chair. It even includes a suitcase that I was too lazy to unpack after coming back from the beach, I've just kind of been pulling the things out of it that I know are still clean when I want to wear them. Also? I'm pretty sure that under there somewhere is a bag from Walgreens with shampoo, conditioner, razors, deodorant, etc., that when I couldn't find it, I just went and bought all that stuff again.
Laundry is HARD!
Also? Tri-tip. (haha! the meat game lives on in the comments!!)
And I totally meant to add that I'm sending good thoughts for your mom's surgery your way. Please let us know how it goes!!
Um, GOOSE?
And isn't the first rule of Meat Club that we do not talk about Meat Club?
Sending good thoughts toward your Mom and you. Do giblets fall into the meat category?
What about scrapple? I had no idea it exsisted until I visited your fair city a few weeks ago, and I had to ask the waitress what it was. Based on her answer of "Leftover pig parts", I decided not to try it.
Do your piles vary in the wearability of the clothes? In my system when I was in high school, the pile of clothes on the chair could be worn again, but once they reached the pile on the bathroom floor, they were officially dirty. My husband hates piles, so I can't have them anymore.
Also- I can now see your entire entry in Safari instead of just half of it, so thank you for changing whatever you did!
Kielbasa! Ooo,or Bratwurst. The "fancy" hot dog.
Wishes of health to the mamalah!!
Oh, don't worry, I called the hospital and your mom is just fine.
Haha, just kidding, they wouldn't tell me if she's fine because of HIPAA.
Haha, still kidding, I didn't call the hospital. But I probably gave about 426 of your creepier readers a good idea. HIPAA, people, don't bother.
Oh, and SWEETBREADS.
Duh- also, best of luck to your mom!!!!
I filled it out, but that is the worst designed survey ever.
Out of sheer perversity I checked 'yes' for 'Do you know whether your child has ever been approahced by...." because, damn it, I KNOW my non-existant kids have not been approached by anyone.
Ummmm, hello? DEER!!
and lest I look completely inappropriate, I really do hope your mom is just fine.
venison? good luck mamalah! and the teeth they just keep on comming... we are at 8 teeth and working on 1 yr. molars. sigh.
and the survey - i gave up halfway through as it doesn't apply to me yet. too many hypotheticals for my situation.
Squirrels do have some meat on them, although I'd imagine it'd be really tough.
I hope your mom is doing well. Please let us know how her surgery went!
And Noah is already getting teeth! And standing up! Where the heck did the time go?
why is it when meat is referred to in plural "meats" it triggers a gagging reflex in me.
"fine meats"
(shudder).
While it may have been a very random entry, the hillariousness was not missing. Good luck to your mom today! I'm virtually sending her all my well wishes.
So many subjects. And I just ate lunch. So now I need a nap. But first, many positive vibes to your mom. :)
Honestly, I think that entry was about perfect for my brain this morning.
btw--positive vibes for your mom. having been through it, i know what it's like. big ass suck.
(and I am more than happy to teach you how to knit--square things only, though)
Noah is adorable in fleece. Watch out...it's going to sweep the nation!
DUDE!?! Spam.
That's it. Just spam.
((sending good vibes to mom))
That free outfit picture is one of the best yet!! Look at the fleecy little stander!
Dammit, lumpyheadsmom beat me with the Fight Club reference.
Spiders are a perfectly acceptable reason to avoid any and all housework.
Crunchy toasty frog legs!!!
I doubt the "meat" portion is even large enough to be measured on a scale but ask me if I care - I'm counting it as meat!!!! And no, I never have and never will try frog legs. Ever.
RUMP ROAST!
(sending prayers & good vibes to your mom--all will be great. hugs to noah in his adorable fleecy gear... I am loving it. thanks for the productive pimping.)
I do that with my dry cleaning, too, except it's a pile in my closet behind one of my shoe racks. When I finally get around to it, I realize that I've run out of hangers (and I, like your husband hate wire hangers...except I throw mine away and do not create artistic wire hanger sculptures out of them), but it's like getting a bunch of new clothes that you already look good in!
Sending good thoughts to your mamalah!
PERNIL! (pork roast)
Er. I'd play but my 'tofurky' trumps everything hands (or should it be 'hooves'...) down.
Best not to notice the "supposedly-hard-but-miraculously-easy-at-your-house" milestone as the Gods of Motherhood seem to sternly disapprove and wreak havoc the next time around.
Currently, I'm sleeping in my daughter's room - every night. Erasing the post didn't work either, cuz lord knows I tried.
Hamdingers.
Oh...and mostly?
Powerful healing and safe surgery vibes to your Momalah.
*oohhhhhmmmmmm*
Blood sausage.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I am so impressed that your son can get away with wearing stripes. Lucky boy, lucky boy...
On a serious note - will be thinking of your mom today. Take care!
From a first-hand encounter, circa 1993: Spam Sushi.
(Good luck to your mama.)
Happy thoughts are coming your Mom's from the ex-other company!
Oh, and:
TONGUE!
(I can't believe I was the first with tongue. Your readership must be maturing).
Make that "your Mom's way."
Stupid hangovers...
All those meats and no mention of tripe? Triiiiiiipe.
I was waiting in line for the deli at the grocery place a few months ago and they had an unopened package of headcheese, and stupid me, I looked closer and read the ingredients. HURG.
I'm sending speedy healing vibes to your mom! Momalah! Kick cancer in the ass!
Ha! I totally forgot you even had a cat. Poor Max.
A new Mexican place opened by my office and here is a sampling of their menu:
Sencillas with one choice of meat - ham, -beef breaded steak, -wieners. Comes with the taste of lettuce, tomato, onion, avocado, jalapenos, sour cream, beans, and mayo.
Other meat choices available: Chopped steak, Steak in onions, steak in Mexican style, liver, beef tongue, Pork in green sauce, pork in chipotle sauce, skin pork, and Mexican sausages.
Who knew wieners could be a tasty Mexican meat choice? Mmmmm. Wieners. Also, Mmmmmm Skin Pork!
When I was walking through the supermarket over the weekend, I came across what may be the most disgusting meat product ever....
PORK TIDBITS!!
It was raw meat in a jar, floating in some yellowish liquid. I don't even want to think about what it was made up of if they couldn't even identify as anything other than tidbits. (shudder)
1.Flanken
2. "Bitter is the New Black" is totally hilarous. I'm just about done & can't wait for the sequel.
3. Thinking positive thoughts for the mom-alah. Let her know the whole internet is pulling for her!
SALT PORK.
and also, good thoughts to your mom.
MORTADELLA
And all the best, positive, happy thoughts headed your mom's way!
Giant turkey legs sold at Disney which people walk around eating.
Blech.
I couldn't resist.