Avant Bloggarde
April 07, 2006
OR, THE MOST RANDOM BUNCH OF CRAP EVER THROWN TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF UPDATING AND KEEPING MY MIND OFF MY MOM'S SURGERY TODAY, INCLUDING TRANSITIONS FROM AN IMPROMPTU EMAIL SHOUTING MATCH YVONNE AND I HAD YESTERDAY REGARDING THE NAMING OF VARIOUS MEAT PRODUCTS
I am out of clean clothes. OUT. My dry-cleaning pile is large and fierce and has taken over the floor of my bedroom AND the Pack-N-Play, which honestly I'm finding more useful as a hamper than I ever did as a bassinet, and I'm frankly a little scared to disturb the pile because I think the proteins from the spit-up stains sparked with some static electricity and created life -- life that has just entered the Industrial Age and invented a cotton gin. Also: spiders.
I am not kidding about the pile.
Just one of the many things I trust our babysitter not to reveal to the Internet regarding the way we live, like the fact that we have no toilet paper roll dispenser.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
HAM. I love that word. It just makes laugh.
HAMMY!
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
HAM.
Pork. Sausage. Beef.
Come to think of it, I think all meat related terms are funny.
And now, I present what may be the worst photo of Noah ever taken.
I am posting it because the child has decided that TWO teeth are a good idea. I am very mad at him about this.
The first tooth kind of snuck up on us all, and really wasn't too big of a deal at all (one morning: hello tooth nub! welcome to the mouth! take a dip in the slobber pool and stay awhile!), and I was confident in my Smug Assholeness that once again, I don't know WHAT some people are complaining about, these baby things just raise themselves!
The second tooth is bad. The second tooth is evil. The second tooth will destroy us all.
The first tooth. The second tooth cannot be photographed, much like a vampire's fang.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
BACON
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
WEINERS
Look at how pretty and artistic! It's really amazing what you can accomplish when you still have NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO OPERATE YOUR GODDAMNED CAMERA.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
POTTED MEAT PRODUCT
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
CHOPPED LIVER
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
HEADCHEESE
And now, a pimping interlude...
Y'all would not believe the amount of email I get from various companies asking me to plug their goods and services on my site. And I don't think they really read my site because otherwise they MUST know that a She's the Man poster giveaway is probably not something I can seamlessly weave into an entry about sofa poop.
I'm usually too chicken to email these people back to kindly request that they BUY A DAMN AD, because while my content is about 99% not for sale, my sidebar 100% is.
But! Today I am going to pimp a few things.
My buddy Brandon has asked for our help with a survey he's conducting for a new business venture, because (as he put it) you minions are his target demo. Go please click here and take a short survey for him.
NOW. MEAN IT. This entry isn't going anywhere.
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
CARNE ASADA
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
BEEF FUCKING BRISKET
Next up is my fellow Snarkywood contributer Jen and her new book: Bitter is the New Black. She sent me a copy because her heart is not actually made of jelus-Olsen-twin-hating tar. Or maybe it is, but she's just nice occasionally. Anyway, the book is hilarious and you should all buy it.
NOW! AM BOSSY!
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
*wonders if our competitive nature is taking over*
CHITTERLINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
BRRRRAAAAAAAINNNNNNNSSSSSS
*and also yeah, I think so*
And lastly, reader Amy and her line of fleece clothing at peanutpie.net. Amy actually did do the nice thing and bought an ad, and then introduced herself and offered to send Noah some clothes. And while I am usually kind of horrified to have any interaction with my advertisers because I feel badly about taking their money for SIDEBAR PIXELS, how could I resist free baby clothes?
Especially free baby clothes that look like this:
Look out behind you, Noah! Mama's baring her scary teeth in preparation of eating you whole!
Lord have mercy, people, is this stuff ever cute. And available right here! HOW ABOUT THAT.
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
HAHA. I'M LAUGHING SO HARD, BUT ALSO VERY SERIOUS because VICTORY WILL BE MINE...
OMG. TURKAAAAAAAYYYY.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY CHILD.
AND YET.
TURDUCKEN.
Would anybody like to see a blurry picture of my cat?
You are welcome. Poor Max deserved some airtime, I think.
At one time, I would have spent 20 minutes trying to get him to look at the camera and snap the perfect shot. Now I don't even bother fully charging up the flash.
To: Amy
From: Yvonne
You leave, I WIN!
MUTTON.
To: Yvonne
From: Amy
LAMB CHOPS.
ALSO, THERE ARE NO WINNERS IN MEAT CLUB, BECAUSE I AM POSTING THIS WHEN I GET HOME.
can I get a BRISKET?
Anywho, those fleece clothes are adorable. And they'll look even better on top of the piles. The key is to not only have several piles in the bedroom but to have a few in the living room because you were 'sorting through the clothes you're keeping and donating'. And then of course, never get around to bringing that crap to the Sally Army. Sigh
Best of everything to your fam and your mama.
GOETTA.
Also, BLOOD SAUSAGE.
You don't have a toilet roll dispenser?
Should I also not tell the internet that you make your child watch Phantom of the Opera in spanish?
Tell your mom that your babysitter says good luck today. And tell your son that with two teeth, he's no longer allowed to 'kiss' my cheeks.
Your laundry pile looks like mine, however, I hadn't thought to use the pack n play as a hamper!! Brilliant!!! Thoughts to you and nanalah! And Noah, too! Cutting teeth sucks!!
My pile is bigger than your pile!!
CHILE CON CARNE.
In all seriousness, I'm sending good thoughts and prayers up to heaven for your mama.
xoxo
How did you get your hands on a photo of my house and my laundry? And my cat?
Are you stalking me?!?!?
(I forgive you because you spawned that carzy adorable little boy. Anybody who contributes to the stock of cuteness in the world in such a huge way has got to be good.)
Oh? and big big warm thoughts to your mom...
1. I took the quiz, but I don't think it'll be helpful, b/c I don't have kids yet. But I answered as if I did!
2. Bitter is the New Black is on my list of books to buy! *Must remember*
3. As soon as the aforementioned non-kids do apprear, I am all over the stripey fleece. Too Cute, I think you should suggest Noah be the catalog model for the company! I'd vote for him.
And finally, thinking good thoughts for the mamalah, she will be ok!
Does anybody else think Noah looks like someone suckerpunched him in that first picture? He's all like, man, I can't do it, leaning against the ropes.
Poor baby!
I can't believe how toddler-like he is all of a sudden. It's like we warped ahead a few years.
Noah looks adorable in his fleece!
And also, I agree with previous posters: BLOOD SAUSAGE is quite possibly the most disgusting "food" known to man.
And thirdly, I'm thinking good thoughts for your mom - keep us posted!
Holy hell, I have to get me some peanut pie clothes. I have some major sucking up to do with The Mouse who I clearly tried to poison the other night.
For Chris--I think it's less about maturity and more about stupidity. For example, I actually thought about listing "tongue" but couldn't decide if if actually counted as a meat.
The brilliant wonder am I.
If "it" counted as a meat. Time to go home!
I agree with the "Bitter is the New Black." I picked it up at a Barnes and Noble and loved it. I read it in about a day.
Sending good vibes towards your mom.
Forgot to add:
If you are including headcheese in the Meat Club, what happened to cow tongue? rocky mountain oysters? pig's feet?
I say, LEAVE NO BODY PART BEHIND.
not reading the other comments, because they make me intimidated. But Good luck to your mom!! I'll be wishing for you both!!
I'm wondering why he's making that face in the worst Noah picture? Hmmm... constipation maybe?
Ok, I am probably lame in posting this, because it probably already has been, but...
What happens in Meat Club, should STAY in Meat Club...because *really*
But seriously funny!
P.S. You know what would be fun? If you asked The Public, just for the sake of FUN, (no, really, not at ALL in the sake of "competitiveness".) who REALLY won. Because, Chitterlings mighta put me over the top.
I thought of you when I saw the following headline on Yahoo! News:
"Goose attacking shoppers in N.J."
http://www.yahoo.com/s/289580 (for the video.)
Thanks to your blog, I'm now aware that goose attacks are rather common. Who knew?
I love Yvonne. LOVE her. She is so freakin funny.
Noah looks adorable in that outfit.
So crap, you don't like getting email from advertisers? I hope you at least read the hallmark card I sent you. :) My thoughts are with your mom today.
Oh and for the meat club....Lamb, Buffalo (yes they eat buffalo over here), and Duck.
P.S. Y, as I recall correctly, YOU TOTALLY BLINKED, and then were all "TRIPE!" after you realized that I'd tricked you into changing the subject and mwa ha ha, I win, the end.
P.P.S. SOYLENT GREEN
HAM totally is the best word ever. We have a very pink little man who works in the office, and we always say that if we married him and had children, we would have a HAMILY.
Also, here is another thing about ham that is funny: I had a doctor and his name was Dr. Hahm, and when he got married, his wife's maiden name was Christmas, and SHE KEPT IT, and YES, this means her name is now MRS. CHRISTMAS HAHM.
The only way it could have POSSIBLY been better is if she'd been Mrs. Easter Hahm.
Oh, and also: SHANK.
Best vibes going to your mom.
And your piles got nothing on mine...only I am blessed with a garage to help me hide them from others- a whole parking space full of clothes that need to be washed, UGH.
Ok. So, maybe I did blink, but and this is a BIG BUT! (Not to be confused with a big rump roast!) I realized it within 5 seconds which FIVE SECOND RULE APPLIES TO MEAT CLUB and come on, I SAID TRIPE.
Clearly, I won.
(p.s. I think I'm in love with Nothing but Bonfires.)
Soylent green isn't mea...OH MY GOD, IT IS!!!
Noelle - I also had an Amalah moment when reading the news this morning. It had to do with falling in a volcano. I won't go into more detail so as to not sent Amy into seizures. :)
But then I said VEAL SWEETBREADS SAUTEED IN GARLIC BUTTER, and I have just now made up a new rule for Meat Club that use of the word "sauteed" counts for SUPER DOUBLE BONUS POINTS.
But I said Tripe, which is used in menudo, which is a mexican dish, which, kinda makes my meat bilingual everyone knows bilingual equals more pay, so... TRIPLE POINTS PLUS 5!
SNAPS.
Tongue, tongue, tongue!
Of course I might just be fixated 'cuz I'm not getting any...
SUPER DOUBLE BONUS POINTS?!
Well, then. How about sauteed chicken livers? AND, I can't believe I have not seen the All-American MEATLOAF.
Many, many wishes of fantabulous health to Mamalah.
Noah is adorable as ever and if I didn't think my son would look at me like I was a crack-smoking, carpet-licking whore, I'd be buying that peanutpie stuff! Oh hell...does it come in 5T?
that is a very impressive laundry pile!
What about Fried Liver and Onions? With Bacon? Surely that's worth bonus points because it's a multiple meat dish...two...TWO meats in ONE!
VIENNA SAUSAGES
Sorry...but it's all I could think of that hasn't been said yet besides ham hocks...
OMG, the picture of Noah in the hat and pants is too cute! Now I'm going to have to buy something off of there. Thanks for making me spend more money :)
turducken DEFINITELY wins...
hope all is well with your mom. You're all in my thoughts.
After my son was born, and I was still loopy from the NARCOTICSOHMYGODGIVEMEMORE, I thought it might be cute to fill out his birth certificate giving his first name as "Eggs." Because of course our last name is "Hammond."
"Hammond, Eggs." Saner heads prevailed.
Blood sausage is a crime against humanity.
Kielbasa kielbasa kielbasa.
I have been home for three days with the flu from hell (avoid the west coast people) and just barely managed to crawl to my computer to, what else, catch up with Amalah and seriously? That first pic of Noah is the funniest freaking thing EVAH! OMG! I laughed for like 10 minutes. All we ever see is how adorable he is so the juxtaposition is HILARIOUS.
Thank you for reminding me that there is life outside of my apartment. Life filled with cute babies and...meat?
Ummmm...that first picture of darling Noah looks like Wallace Shawn. BUT only that one! Sorry. Hope your mom is okay.
Delurking to say:
PORK LOIN
It makes me giggle!
SHISH KABOB!
hee.
{{good vibes for mom}}
Just popping in to say thanks again for the pimping Amy! And thanks to all of you who have stopped by to check out my stuff, I really appreciate it.
I can't promise that Peanut Pie clothes will make your kid as cute as Noah (because seriously, Noah!) but I can promise they're cute and comfy.
1) LOVED the post. It's why I keep coming back to your blog.
2) Turducken ROCKS. (no joke. Try it.)
3) Whatever happened to the bag study? (how pathetic is it that I think of you every morning when I get out of the car with my 75 bags. I'm counting on you for the perfect solution!)
Sauteed Boudin...beat dat cher!
lots of good mojo from me to your Mom!
First: Tofurkey. No it's not real meat but it is about the funniest sounding non-swear word in the English language.
Second: Dry cleaning belongs crammed under the TV table in the bedroom where the doors prevent the mutating dust bunnies from attacking.
Third: Mamalah is getting super-mega-ultra-lightning-get-well-soon mojo from our house!
1. I really hope your mom's surgery went well.
2. When I was telling my husband he needed to tell me I rocked because I took the clothes to the dry cleaners, he pointed out I probably shouldn't brag since one of the pairs of pants was wool, that he gave to me at the end of last winter and it is probably too warm to wear them at this point. I told him to hush.
3. Squirrel jerky. that has to win.
Chicken necks and giblets. Head cheese and sweetbreads.
Absolute strong vibes being sent from this coast to yours for your Mum.
What? No Cajuns out there? How about some sausage meat and rice wrapped in sheep intestine - BOUDAIN! (boo-dan)
Dont you mean there will be no "weiners" in meat club?? LOL LOL LOL
gah gah gah gah... I slay me. (ahem) sorry.. carry on.