The Blog Equivalent to Tapping My Foot Impatiently While Glaring at the Phone
April 12, 2006
Two lessons I have learned about myself this week:
1) I do not function well while waiting for family members' biopsy results.
2) I not function well at all no sleep baby crying every night what is his problem oh my GOD.
Actually, I know what his problem is. Or what his problems is. Are. Whatever.
1) Friday night: Thunderstorm. Stupid nature.
2) Saturday night: Strange Pack-n-Play in strange room in strange house and AAAAHHHHH GOING TO DIE HATE IT HERE HATE YOU HATE LIFE DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ME SLEEP IN THAT THING I KNOW IT'S REALLY A HAMPER AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.
3) Sunday night: Is the new Saturday night.
4) Monday night: Back home, just when he was starting to really LIKE that damn Pack-n-Play.
5) Tuesday night: Um. Teeth? Heat rash? Ear infection? Typhoid? Air? Existance? Payback for all the yakking I've done recently about his amazingly predictable sleep habits?
(DING DING DING. We have a winner, Bob.)
(OH MY GOD. WHY DON'T WE HAVE BIOPSY RESULTS YET? IT HAS BEEN WEDNESDAY FOR HOURS NOW.)
Anyway, I am feeling very listy today, which is fortunate because I have apparently been tagged for some sort of...listy thing. I don't know. No one ever tags me for memes, or they tag me and don't tell me and then send me a nasty email a week later about how I am a snob because I didn't do their meme and what, I think that makes me better than them? I think that makes me special or something?
(You think I am kidding about that? Because: no.)
But when someone in a karate outfit tags you for a meme, you do their meme. Am just saying.
SIX WEIRD THINGS ABOUT AMY THAT HITHERTO HAVE NOT BEEN COVERED ON THIS BLOG, WHICH REALLY NARROWS THE FIELD:
1) I had a fairly massive panic attack on the Las Vegas strip while watching the "volcano" "erupt" at The Mirage. For those of you who have never been to Vegas, I would like to point out that the "volcano" is a big lump of fake rock and the "eruption" is a series of blinking red lights and some fountains. And some fire. And smoke. And then the ground kind of shakes and oh my God, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
2) I have spina bifida occulta. I am missing part of a vertebra in my lower back. I found out in the seventh grade when my back was x-rayed for scoliosis. I never would have known otherwise, because I have no symptoms whatsoever. However, after finding out I was immediately stricken with a host of complaints and phantom back pains, all of which prevented me from participating in gym class, especially dodgeball, and man, what a fucking shame that was.
3) I have the auditory equivalent of a photographic memory. I remember everything I hear, like a tape recorder. Mostly this means I can recite entire chunks of dialogue from bad 80s movies and drive people crazy by quoting Simpsons episodes. Also, if you tell me something but later try to claim that you told me something different, I will know. And I will do that Monty Python Man With A Tape Recorder Up His Nose bit and recite word-for-word what you told me, possibly with my finger up my nose because I think it's funny.
4) I can't snap my fingers. Or roll my Rs. And I can only whistle one note, sort of.
5) I can, however, get my big toe in my mouth.
6) I am extremely extroverted, but will sometimes overcompensate for nervousness at parties by busting out my double-jointed fingers or (thanks to Weird Thing #3) reciting the entire superfast "suck it in suck it in suck it in if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn" verse of Hook by Blues Traveler, which was actually a pretty damn cool party trick back in 1994 or whenever the song came out and people cared, except that I'm thinking now that nobody really cared, they were just drunk.
Now is the part of the meme where I am supposed to tag six other people. And man, this is hard, because what if I tag people and they're all, FUCK MEMES. I AM TOO GOOD FOR MEMES. MEMES ARE FOR THE WEAK. And then I will feel silly because they think my website is obnoxious and stupid.
But! It means I get to type one! Last! List!
PEOPLE I AM NOW TAGGING, WHO ARE FREE TO IGNORE ME COMPLETELY BUT WHO I ALSO SENSE HAVE A LOT MORE THAN SIX WEIRD THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT:
Can roll his Rs. And get his toes in his mouth. Said "dada" this weekend while reaching for Jason. Is now dead to me.
(FYI, NOAH: DADA IS THE ONE WHO VOTED TO PUT YOU IN THE POT. SO THERE.)