The Blog Equivalent to Tapping My Foot Impatiently While Glaring at the Phone
April 12, 2006
Two lessons I have learned about myself this week:
1) I do not function well while waiting for family members' biopsy results.
2) I not function well at all no sleep baby crying every night what is his problem oh my GOD.
Actually, I know what his problem is. Or what his problems is. Are. Whatever.
1) Friday night: Thunderstorm. Stupid nature.
2) Saturday night: Strange Pack-n-Play in strange room in strange house and AAAAHHHHH GOING TO DIE HATE IT HERE HATE YOU HATE LIFE DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ME SLEEP IN THAT THING I KNOW IT'S REALLY A HAMPER AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.
3) Sunday night: Is the new Saturday night.
4) Monday night: Back home, just when he was starting to really LIKE that damn Pack-n-Play.
5) Tuesday night: Um. Teeth? Heat rash? Ear infection? Typhoid? Air? Existance? Payback for all the yakking I've done recently about his amazingly predictable sleep habits?
(DING DING DING. We have a winner, Bob.)
(OH MY GOD. WHY DON'T WE HAVE BIOPSY RESULTS YET? IT HAS BEEN WEDNESDAY FOR HOURS NOW.)
Anyway, I am feeling very listy today, which is fortunate because I have apparently been tagged for some sort of...listy thing. I don't know. No one ever tags me for memes, or they tag me and don't tell me and then send me a nasty email a week later about how I am a snob because I didn't do their meme and what, I think that makes me better than them? I think that makes me special or something?
(You think I am kidding about that? Because: no.)
But when someone in a karate outfit tags you for a meme, you do their meme. Am just saying.
SIX WEIRD THINGS ABOUT AMY THAT HITHERTO HAVE NOT BEEN COVERED ON THIS BLOG, WHICH REALLY NARROWS THE FIELD:
1) I had a fairly massive panic attack on the Las Vegas strip while watching the "volcano" "erupt" at The Mirage. For those of you who have never been to Vegas, I would like to point out that the "volcano" is a big lump of fake rock and the "eruption" is a series of blinking red lights and some fountains. And some fire. And smoke. And then the ground kind of shakes and oh my God, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
2) I have spina bifida occulta. I am missing part of a vertebra in my lower back. I found out in the seventh grade when my back was x-rayed for scoliosis. I never would have known otherwise, because I have no symptoms whatsoever. However, after finding out I was immediately stricken with a host of complaints and phantom back pains, all of which prevented me from participating in gym class, especially dodgeball, and man, what a fucking shame that was.
3) I have the auditory equivalent of a photographic memory. I remember everything I hear, like a tape recorder. Mostly this means I can recite entire chunks of dialogue from bad 80s movies and drive people crazy by quoting Simpsons episodes. Also, if you tell me something but later try to claim that you told me something different, I will know. And I will do that Monty Python Man With A Tape Recorder Up His Nose bit and recite word-for-word what you told me, possibly with my finger up my nose because I think it's funny.
4) I can't snap my fingers. Or roll my Rs. And I can only whistle one note, sort of.
5) I can, however, get my big toe in my mouth.
6) I am extremely extroverted, but will sometimes overcompensate for nervousness at parties by busting out my double-jointed fingers or (thanks to Weird Thing #3) reciting the entire superfast "suck it in suck it in suck it in if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn" verse of Hook by Blues Traveler, which was actually a pretty damn cool party trick back in 1994 or whenever the song came out and people cared, except that I'm thinking now that nobody really cared, they were just drunk.
Now is the part of the meme where I am supposed to tag six other people. And man, this is hard, because what if I tag people and they're all, FUCK MEMES. I AM TOO GOOD FOR MEMES. MEMES ARE FOR THE WEAK. And then I will feel silly because they think my website is obnoxious and stupid.
But! It means I get to type one! Last! List!
PEOPLE I AM NOW TAGGING, WHO ARE FREE TO IGNORE ME COMPLETELY BUT WHO I ALSO SENSE HAVE A LOT MORE THAN SIX WEIRD THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT:
1) Nothing But Bonfires
2) Sarcomical
3) Frema
4) Wacky Mommy
5) honestyrain
6) Yvonne, because she can't make fun of me, because that's another rule of Meat Club that I just now invented.
Can roll his Rs. And get his toes in his mouth. Said "dada" this weekend while reaching for Jason. Is now dead to me.
(FYI, NOAH: DADA IS THE ONE WHO VOTED TO PUT YOU IN THE POT. SO THERE.)
I have crazy audio memory, too. It's actually kind of embarrassing, as I also seem unable to control my playback feature.
My husband can't stand it. I'll tell him what he said to me and he'll say, "There's no chance you remember this incorrectly?" and then I seem like a total brat if I say no, which is the truth. Instead, I have to pretend that there is a chance that I don't actually remember exactly what he said to me.
Weird thing #3 will come in sooo handy when your little one gets to be a pre-teen. Does you husband appreciate your auditory talents?
damn now that blue's traveler song is in my head. i didn't have a clue "suck it in suck it in suck it in if you're Rin Tin Tin or Anne Boleyn" is what they said. and i never realized i didn't know what they said there either. i liked john popper more when he was fat. don't know why. star jones too.
Wow, I guess I was never alone in the whole "fast song lyrics" game! Except I tend to know the words to rap songs....lol.
Noah in a pot = adorable!!
Thinking good thoughts for the nanalah, let us know if you need anything at all!
My granny would be so thrilled if she ever met you. She worked for Shriners hospital for a long time and loves saying "spina bifida" over and over til you puke.
Your mom has so many good wishes being winged at her I know she's fine. But still, post, okay? OK.
PS i did my list. It bumped into cocktail hour.
I hope you've gotten the results and they were good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
I also have a phot(n?)ographic memory, although have not used it for the Simpsons, but if you want, I could recite either "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" or "Monty Python/Holy Grail" for you - verbatim. Now those are some mad skillz.
Poor Noah. Poor YOU! My fave sketch from Monty Python is the Hungarian translation book. "Do you waaaaaant to go back to my place, bouncy bouncy! HAHAHAHAHA! And #5, um....
Can we have a Stupid Lines From 80s Movies quote off? Because I'll totally smoke you.
"He don't even have hith lithenth Leetha..."
a meme? ya, i'll play along. but i warn you, there is nothing whatsoever weird about me. nope. nothing. at all.
I think the pot is damn near the cutest thing ever. Except for the lobster, the lobster's a little creepy.
Not that this is all about me and my concerns or anything, but I've been dying to know how your mom is. Wednesday is officially over, and I'm dyin' here.
Damn when I saw you mentioned the word Hare brained in the Notify list I thought you were writing about Bunnies. Happy Bunny day from my gang.
Grarrrrgh, that struck so many bells with me!
1) I'm scared of fire. When we went to Universal Studios on the Backdraft ride, I actually curled up into a little ball on the ground until it was over
2) I HATED Dodgeball! We had the meanest teacher when I was 10, and he used to say "Not above the waist" and then he hit me hard in the ear with the ball and I cried. I used to always freakin' win that game, 'cause I was so scared of getting hit. I was sooooo nimble. I don't know why I didn't just pretend to get hit and be done with it. Hindsight...
amy, i just thought you'd like to know that i dreamed about your dog last night! i dreamed that i was in bed, and all of the sudden cieba was there.....and i was all like cieba? what are you doing here? for some reason there was a baby hiding in my closet, but i basically spent my entire dream trying to keep my 14lb cat from attacking your dog. it was crazy!
Here's hoping that you get some good news. And some good news SOON.
Hope you get some sleep soon! I can't roll my R's either.
Thinking of you and your family!
Fifty Nifty United States?!? I dare you to remember that one, all the states in alphabetical order to a tune. Ha, now you're thinking about it . . . Maine, Maryland, . . . why grade music teacher, why?
Really hoping and praying Wednesday brought good news and sighs of relief.
Dude, that Hook thing is great. I could totally do that too because I accidentally got that CD when I did BMG in 6th grade. (and by accidentally I mean TOTALLY purposefully.) I, however, as it is my turn to brag, could also successfully play the harmonica solo. However, not on a harmonica, instead, substitute a recorder (like 4th grade music class, see comment above about Maryland, massachusetts song...we did that also...see 'fifty, nifty, united states...') and play it through your nose . Yes, I was a Blues Traveler, Nose Recorder, Word Recitin' cool-ass kid. Talk about being popular!
This past weekend, we too traveled home to see the parents/parents-in-law, and also put baby in "the hamper." Baby punished us by waking up at 4:30am and refusing to go back to sleep.
If baby ain't sleepin', nobody sleepin'.
I've got to have me some Noah soup - it looks delicious.
Any word yet??? Hoping for nothing but the best.