The Other Very Important Things I Do With My Time
April 03, 2006
From my company's employee newsletter, April 1, 2006 edition:
Haaaaa. I'm so funny. Geese! Paparazzi geese! Brilliant!
(The type of brilliance that only comes from a board room committee meeting for discussing work-appropriate humor-related strategies and deadlines for said humor strategies and morale-boosting synergies.)
(The box. We are outside of it!)
But you know what? Those geese really are nasty little fuckers.
(This goose was NOT a fan of me OR my camera phone and totally charged after me with naked honking aggression after I snapped this picture. I would have taken another picture of the actual charging, but I was too busy SHRIEKING AND RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.)
(I fucking hate geese.)
(To be fair, they started it, way back during a second-grade field trip to Amish Country. I was just standing there with my little hands in my pockets and this punk-ass crazy-ass stupid-ass goose stuck his head through a fence and BIT MY ARM, ripped the lovely quilting on my coat from Burlington Coat Factory and BROKE SKIN, OH MY GOD. And then my teacher yelled at me to stop taunting the geese, and then I cried, because my teacher thought I was the type of girl who taunted geese, which was probably reconfirmed a decade later when I accidentally cut this same teacher off in traffic and she gave me the finger and I haven't stopped thinking about that since because I felt really bad although she was also the teacher who kind of lost it the one time my classmate lost a dollar and made us all keep our heads down on our desks all day EVEN DURING RECESS until one of us copped to stealing the dollar and then five hours later she found the dollar in the trash and never apologized but seriously, the goose totally fucking started it.)
I HATE geese. I'm convinced they're ducks gone bad. When I was 9 years old our class spent a week on a farm and I was chased by a stupid goose. I've disliked them ever since.
i am delurking again to be the first comment!!!
Oh my god, you are so funny!! The teacher seriously flipped you off?! Hilarious!!
Don't wear red around them (or let Noah wear red)! I have a nightmare story about cute little 4 year old me in my little red gum boots at a farm...it is so traumatic I don't think I can go any further! Hissy little F$#@-ers!
Apparently they get aggressive towards red?
I think, but I wouldn't test the theory...
Geese are evil. And swans are even worse, trying to look all pretty to hide the EVIL.
Too bad the geese weren't there to photograph you buying an approved infant seat....
I hate all birds, because they will fucking pluck your eyes out. Haven't you seen the documentary by Alfred Hitchcock. Nailed that one, he did.
Geese suck. I was bitten by one at my great-grandmother's when I was a kid. I was running FROM the damn thing and it bit the back of my leg. But we taught that damn goose a lesson and ate him for Christmas dinner. So there. Back off ya damn birds.
Geese are terrifying. So are chickens. They taste good and everything, but have you ever seen one? They look like they're just waiting to pluck your eyes out.
Commenting on the Nobody Tells You sidebar:
Start collecting those to be compiled into a book or something. The sock lint is some scary shit and all new mothers should be on ALERT.
Commenting on the geese: We had geese for awhile when I was growing up. It was a mad dash from the car to the house because they would freakin' chase us. My dad piled them up in the truck and DROVE them to a nearby farm with a pond. They were back 2 days later.
Ack, am ever so terrified of geese. I got cold chills just looking at the picture. I went to college with evil geese, and there were actually much more convenience routes to class that I would completely avoid for fear of the geese!!
With that being said, I never saw them with cameras... dude, that's crazy!
Good god, it's like people lie in wait, pressing refresh, waiting to comment. Is this a thing?
I'm Canadian, so I know my geese. I watched them attack a blind friend of mine on a beach. NOT to be screwed with...
You might have scary geese, but LSU has scary squirrels:
http://www.lsureveille.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2006/03/28/4428f0c66f12b
Birds are pure evil. With the pecking and the beady eyes and the flapping of the wings that might get caught in my hair if they come too close.
OH MY GOD THE FLAPPING.
I need a bit of a lie down now, I think.
Listen, people have been comparing us unfavorably to swans for our entire lives, and it's beginning to grate on us a bit, all right? Don't you know that research has proven that there's a strong correlation between low self-esteem and excessive honking and biting behavior? It's a disease, Amy, it's nothing personal.
Plus, have you seen that freaky geriatric bitch who follows us around spouting her stupid platitudes in iambic pentameter and shit? Helloooo, lady! Bonnets? NOT FOR OLD PEOPLE.
P.S. Your sweet, sweet girl-flesh tasted AWESOME that day! ha HA! That's right, bitches!
When my brother was a toddler, my mother took him to a pond to feed ducks. A really big, nasty goose was there, coming progressively closer to my brother. My mother watched in seeming slow-motion as my brother turned away, the goose put its head down, honked loudly and charged.
Thinking fast, my mother bolted forward to intercept, and punted the goose. It was launched several feet in the air and landed indignant in the pond with a huge splash and plenty of honking, to the horror of all the other mothers and children who stood aghast at the crazy lady.
To this day, she refers to that place as "The Pond Where I Kicked that Goose."
So at least you just taunt them. ;-)
Holy crap. That picture of you in the car is killing me! That is the funniest thing I have seen in a long time.
First off, props to Vicki's Mom for not only getting between her child and a dangerous creature, but also for kicking the game winning field goal!
Let's see, Teacher falsely accuses Amy of taunting the goose (which I totally spelled 'tainting' at first and then had to stop typing for a minute and giggle at the image of a little Amy tainting a goose), and then years later shoots her the 'bird'.
Hmm...goose..bird... I know there's a connection here, I just can't put it together.
I keep hoping that one of these days you'll post an entire post (in parenthesis). I almost thought this was going to be the day. Close, but damn those two lines! TWWWWOOOOOO LIIIIIIINES!!
Whoah! That rant at the end is priceless. Really. That teacher needs to take a damn chill pill.
GOOSEAPHOBE!!!
You make me laugh so hard, I cry.
p.s. I'm in love with stripper
Amalah, you know this to be true: That picture? Britney wishes. (Sean Preston? Baby wishes.)
My very first sentence, many years ago? "I no yike da gooses."
I hate geese but not as much as squirrels.
so glad im not the only one hating on the birds! im canadian and campuses here are just covered in goose shit, and they are mean little mofos.
i also hate ducks... when i was 5 duck walked up to me in the park and plucked the donut from my hand and waddled away. to this day i get the urge to wack them with my paddle when im canoeing. ok im done.
Ah, the geese. I have also blogged about the geese. Or was it ducks? Anyway, when I first moved into my apartment, I found there were a tons of both in the little pond across from my building. So I thought I'd feed them--that is, until they started honking their asses off and charging at me with the power of all that is good and holy. It was enough to chase me back upstairs. The next time I ventured out with bread in hand, my car scraper was tucked underneath my arm. Just in case.
I know it's not the same thing but I was attacked by chickens once and had to go to the emergency room.. I still imagine the call made to my dad, who was at work at the time.. Must have had a good laugh at my expense..but to a 3 year-old.. thats so not fun.. I had chicken nightmares forever...
Geese. Don't get me started. What with their high-powered PR reps, publicizing the completely misleading phrase "silly goose". LURING us into a false sense of security to make their attack all the more stealthy.
They make me sick.
I can't believe you're a goose taunter.
I'm in love with the way you use parentheses. (Is that how you spell parentheseseses?)
And geese? Evil. Veeery eeevil.
You are too funny! Seriously though, I hate geese too. I once lived in NJ and took my daughter for walks around a lake. One day, there were geese everywhere, all over the path, and we turned the hell around. NO WAY was I walking past them. They are nasty!
I work on a large corporate campus and they had to "hire" a sweet little collie named Shayla to keep the geese at bay because seriously, they were shitting everywhere and freaking people out.
Also, earlier this month I also took a picture of some geese sitting right outside the entrance to a department store...at a mall...I thought it was funny, like they were waiting to go in and shop or something.
I am with Wacky Mommy - I despise squirrels in a way that can only be described at cold hatred - natures speed bumps are what I call them little rats with furry tails christmas light eatin little fuckers
I know of a woman who threw out some corn that had gone bad in her refrigerator. She just chucked it out into the yard. A while later all of her geese were dead because they ate the corn. Being the frugal and practical woman she is, she decided to at least get the feathers so she plucked everyone of those geese bald. Later on, she looked out the window and there were naked geese walking around her yard since the bad corn was just fermented and the geese were all passed out drunk!!
Geese are mostly evil. They should just go back to the hot place, where they belong.
You took a trip to Amish country? Oh, do tell in a future post!!! Do aprons and tie under the chin hats terrify you now? I wanna know! Plus, they breed killer geese? I think you need to call the National Enquirer and let them know the Amish breed killer geese that tear the coats and bite the arms of children -- and break the skin! This is definitely "Extra, Extra, read all about it!" fodder!
Geese = Bad Mother F&#kers
They aren't the only animal that hates me.
I've had a donkey bite my boob (through a bra,shirt and coat mind you), then in a petting zoo situation those nasty goats used to push me down and try and have their way with me when I was a child, and still to this day enjoy tormenting me.
Oh and the peacock that roams wildly at the zoo.
The worst though would be pigeons. When I was in grade school I accidentally ran over a pigeon with my bike. I was very upset about it - but apparently the pigeon's buddies didn't know that and they've been chasing me down ever since. either to peck my eyes out - or to poop on my from strategically placed hide outs from above.
I'm glad you got out alive, wildlife...
The geese are scary. Almost as scary as chickens actually. When I was 5, they had a rooster run amok in front of my baby sitter's house. Being the naive little child that I was, I thought that I could make it better, or at least frighten it into submission. Just as I walked five steps towards it, it turned around and chased me all the way back into the house with total intent to pluck my eyes out and have it for supper. I had fever the next day from shock. That was one mad mo-fo.
It's my dream to one day (when I'm married to a very rich man, living in a very nice house) own a goat and a goose that only like me and nobody else. I just think it would be funny.
Hysterical! Great April Fool's newsletter.
Maria
Geese are the devil's minions. They are all over the path I walk on and the ONLY time they're cute is when they're leading their babies. And THAT, amazingly, is also when they're most evil.
That article was pretty funny and I hate birds just as much as the next person, but omg, your teacher was a bitch. I hate teachers like that and I had enough of them in elementary school and junior high. The other kids make school hard enough; the teachers don't need to add to the pain. I'm sorry, but that story hit a soft spot for me (I can't believe she didn't apologize!)
Nothing, NOTHING beats that psychotic teacher we all have at some stage in our schooling. Somehow, a little piece of us dies with them, and the scab that is left is ripe for the picking for the rest of our lives.
A swan tried to bite my toe once. I think it thought it was bread.
That sounds like a horrible, mean teacher!
Once when I was out boating with my in-laws we got attacked by a swan. I think we got too close to its nest, but it came after us and tried to fly onto the boat. It was crazy. They may look pretty but they are mean. I'm still kind of scared of them to this day.
Oops - forgot to say - I think your article is hillarious!
Sorry, I actually have a soft spot for geese. I don't know what it is but for some reason there are geese in traffic frequently around the chiagoland area, and it's endearing to me. I certainly prefer geese to homeless people or moose any day. Nevertheless, as someone who was bit by a clown at a young age, I understand your fears.
Also, Ms. Guy threw an entire desk at Jasper Atwood in 4th grade. AND she had polio. I'm totally NOT shitting you.
(very funny as always, we love you)
I totally love the Britney Spears inspired pic!
If you don't love Geese you never want to come to the Poconos. The lake in front of my house has a ton of them and they start "honking" starting at 5am. No roosters for alarm clocks, we have frigin geese!!!
Who knew so many people have goose (and other bird) related trauma?!
Ditto the comment on the "nobody tells you..." sidebar. You say much in very few words!
That newsletter was hilarious.
I have to say that I've never had a problem with geese and I pass by them every day. Maybe I am some kind of Goose Whisperer.
Geese are bad. SO glad I'm not alone. Greedy nasty little bastards.
You are hilarious btw. But you knew that ;)
The best thing about geese is foe gras or goos liver pate... Yum
See, those geese have got me so worked up that I can't even spell 'goose' properly...
Our old apartment had a pond that was home to a lot of ducks – and a pair of breeding geese one spring. Baby geese are incredibly cute! We got to watch them go from little yellow fuzzballs to bigger, fuzzy, gray evil minions-in-training.
And the squirrels? Don't get me started, the squirrels in my neighborhood come up to the house and taunt my cat: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v674/chasco/DSCF1296.jpg
(So, have you gotten any hate e-mails about that picture yet? I can so see people thinking it's real.) (Oh, and HA!)
Bowing to your superior run-on sentencing skills. . . (bow, scrape)
Hilarious, as always. Love the Britney spoof. ;-)
Sometimes (though I'm not sure how) I forget how much I love you and look forward to reading anything you put out. So, again....thank you!
Well, since we're commencing with the goose tales...When my brother was about 4, my dad took him fishing at a nearby pond. My brother had a tiny Snoopy fishing pole. A goose came after him (unprovoked!), and either he grabed the pole and ran (waddled) away with it or my brother threw it it him in self-defense. My brother is now 18, but it's still so damn laughable. Because he still laments the loss of his little fishing pole.
EEWW, Canadian Geese. I went to a college in frozen NW PA with a lovely pond (aka "fake lake") that was surrounded by geese as long as the temperature was above freezing. There was a lovely gazebo that NO ONE EVER used because to get to it you had to wade through 6" of green goose shit! (You don't want to walk on it when it's frozen, either!)
The geese would even sit in the middle of the road by the lake & block traffic. The university bought swans to swim in fake lake, but they always preferred the nearby swamp. Irony? Or bullying? I never could tell.
One of those fuckers once pooped near my head. Fucking geese.
HA! Love your newsletter contribution.
That explains the duck duck goose trauma.
Your a nutter! Too, too funny. I seriously think ducks have issues, I mean if they didn't they wouldn't leave all those little "bombs" at the edge of the beach for all of us unsuspecting idiots to step in them every time. Down with ducks.
I just have to tell you that you just might be the funniest person in the world.
This is EXACTLY what I needed this morning!
Oh, and I totally had a similar run-in with a goose in SW PA when I was a little girl. I was being NICE and feeding the goose. The greedy little f***ker wasn't happy that the bread crumbs my Mom had given me were not sufficient and chased me around a pond until I was KNOCKED onto the ground, crying my head off, with a scraped knee. Clearly, I'm still a little bitter.
(Do you also walk barefoot into public restrooms?)
My traumatic goose experience was in 3rd grade when my friend Kim had the lamest birthday party ever (her mom got pizza hut and we went to an old mill in McLean, VA). So we ate the pizza and the geese were coming close and I screamed and ran away and Kim's mom was all, "[Boozie]! COOL YOUR JETS!" It made me sad.
BUWAHAHAHAHA!!! Love it! I know I can always come here for a good laugh. Thanks Amy. Keep up the good work.
i was at a park last week feeding the ducks and a flock of geese came up to me. they scare me too and i was giving them entire loaves of bread just to get them go away.
The geese completely took over my undergrad campus and would charge us from hundreds of feet away. Freshmen would run as fast as they could to the dining hall, trying to evade the honking menace. During one such attack, an angry goose became entangled in the long hippie-skirt I was wearing. Desperate to free myself, I kicked the fucker in the head.
The one time I have ever been remotely cruel to an animal, but the thing deserved it! geese suck!
Just being a total pita...it is not CANADIAN geese, it is CANADA geese. They aren't from Canada, Canada(canadensis)is their species name. AAAUUGGHH!!
Sorry...this is the backlash I have from dating an ornithologist for 5 years who would taunt me for not being able to identify all bird species immediately. ~whimper~
Once when I was thirteen, my parents told me my grandma was dying...I went outside to cry and my father's pet gose BIT MY ASS. Trauma.
They also poop way too much.
Geese suck.
When I started golfing, I jokingly said I wanted to hit a goose with a golf ball. This was funny, because I couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a golf ball. From five feet away. Throwing it with my hand.
Then, one day I hit a goose on the fairway of the 15th at Bowie. But instead of being jubilant for thwacking one of those filthy shit-filled pooping machines, I felt terrible. I had hurt something. Harmed! Nature!
I hit a goose in the leg, and it was hobbling off to die. I cried.
I was also a little drunk.
My playing partners swore they saw a limping goose on the 17th, and it was fine. The other geese were making fun of it for getting hit by the World's Shittiest Golfer.
I think they just said that so I would stop blubbering and finish my beer.
There was this one lazy-ass goose lying in the middle of the sidewalk yesterday. I walked all around him, clicking my heels because I was pissed off that I had to accommodate a freaking goose, for crying out loud. He barely noticed. And then I came back the same way and he hadn't budged and I wanted to kick that feathered little freak.
Did you hear about when a goose flew straight at the head of one of my colleagues? Funny stuff. Those nasty little fuckers.
That reminds me of two things. First, my boyfriend, who is scared of any winged creature in flight. He will hold tightly onto my hand and almost run if there are pigeons flying around.
And it reminds me how much I LOVE geese, only because one time my ex-fiance was playing TOUCH football at my family reunion and was so overly aggressive and fell and landed in geese shit. It was all over him. It gives me great pleasure to think of that now.
I know you were at work, but next time you want to try and impersonate Brit, make sure to comb your hair with a porkchop before putting it up in a messy bun atop your head.
As for birds-- they're rats with wings. Geese included. Well, big ass rats then. Steer clear, Noah!!
Geese are bad. Swans are downright mean. And pigeons are rats with wings.
That teacher of yours sounds really strange too.
You know what cracks me up - every time one of your avid readers starts up with the whole "I'm the first to comment - I rule!!", they are NEVER the first commenter!
I actually have had way more trouble with swans than geese - although geese can be kind of pushy! I was almost pecked to death by a goose with only one eye when I was a kid. We were feeding the ducks and geese at a local park, and I guess he and his ladies wanted everyone's share!
These. Are. My. Favorite. Comments. EVER.
Wow! That was like express therapy or something!
Wow dude. I want to work where you work!
Geese are evil. That is all.
Soon after we moved into our house, a rooster showed up and would NOT leave. He terrorized the neighborhood dogs and kept us penned into our tiny home with his front door stalking. Once, he got into a fight with one of said neighborhood dogs and all we found was a yard full of feathers next door. We thought he was a goner for sure, but about 3 months later, he was BACK. After that, he ruled over all the dogs and ate their kibbles and bits while standing in their house. I swear that song "Here Comes the Rooster" (or whatever the title is)was meant for that little beast.
You are hilarious! ba ha ha ha
Dude. What a crapass teacher.
I remember my kindergarten teacher with the same fond memories... a little bully girl colored the back of my sweater with crayons because I got a sticker on my paper and she didn't. And I somehow got in trouble for bragging. (You don't understand, I was the shyest, quietest little girl. How could I brag when I didn't even TALK? To anyone?)
Oh, right, this was a post about geese. I got off track there, but yay for you, I have a goose story, too! When I was about 3, a goose bit my thumb. It hurt like a mutha and I cried and cried. The end. (Stupid geese.)
Geese live in the lovely landscaped pond outside my apartment. They refuse to let me sleep in the morning. Their incessant honking has caused me to consider running outside and throwing things at them. They way they honk you would think someone was causing some serious goose mayhem. But no, they honk because they are evil.
At my sixth birthday party, I was bitten by a goose and everyone thought it was hilarious...until my older brother was attacked by a squirrel about an hour later. I think those two species have some sort of unholy alliance going. Evil, evil things.
Oh my GOD! I freakin' despise geese (and Britney Spears, for that matter).
My grandfather told me a while back (God rest his soul) that geese tend to crap about 30 times a minute or some craziness like that.
For such regular birds, they sure are cranky.
FINALLY! Someone else that hates geese as much as I do. I'd go on about what I'd like to do to those suckers, but PETA would have a field day.
Also, geese made me think of seagulls as they are equally violent and vile. AND I have a seagull story to share.
In early 2001 I went to visit my cousin in FL. We spent one day at Disney World. Being the cheap people that we are, we brought food from home instead of spending outrageous sums of money. We sat under a huge covered outdoor eating area and watched as seagulls flew all around looking to steal someone's cheeseburger. A seagull stole the cheeseburger from the table next to us. We had just started to take pity on this woman when said seagull dropped the burger minus the bun on the head of a man dining with his family. The force of the patty knocked his glasses half off. Our sympathy instantly turned to unabashed laughter, so much so that EVERY PERSON was scowling at us and giving us the most evil looks. Did we care? Hell no, we just laughed harder. Because no matter how evil seagulls and geese are, you really can't help but laugh at the misfortune of others.
I'm sad I don't have a traumatic goose story, but I *am* annoyed by that Mentos commercial that has all the honking geese and tweeting birds and whatnot. I'm sure it's all the fault of the geese, that annoyingness.
Goats freak me out, though - have you seen their eyes?
This is freakin' hilarious! I think I might be the only person on the planet that doesn't have a)a horrible "bird" story of some sort to tell or b)a haunting fear of said "bird."
This is freakin' hilarious! I think I might be the only person on the planet that doesn't have a)a horrible "bird" story of some sort to tell or b)a haunting fear of said "bird."
geese are jerks. pooping all over the place jerks. and yet we were so happy to see that they had returned! because it means spring! yay! but they have to quit with the pooping and jerkiness. once and for all. plus, no charging. obviously.
We live by the water and have geese gaggling constanyl on our property, spreading their hatred and green poop everywhere. Nothing pleases me more than turning my dog loose so he can chase them into the water. And also, nothing pleases the dog more.
How is it that you people have had so many damn experiences with GEESE?
hahahha
I hit a goose with my car once. (My NEW car!)Bitch flew right in front of me and didn't even die. I'm normally an animal lover, but geese? Ummm, no.
That's easy Y, there are just so damn many of them. There have been truckloads of them relocated away from the Toronto area (at times with disasterous results when someone "forgot" air holes) many many times, and still in summer it is unsafe to walk on any sidewalk near a pond as goose shit is slippery and disgusting.
I've never had one attack, but I have had one sit in FRONT of my car taunting me instead of finishing crossing the street. Vile birds.
I just want to tell you to take a deep breath after that post.... what are you on, cause I want some of it!
Dorkette: Am high on LIFE. And as of this morning, varicella vaccine.
My geese stories are too painful to relate, unfortunately. But I will tell you that the first time I ever smoked pot, a SQUIRREL charged me, chattering madly.
Paranoia+Rabid Squirrel=Buzzkill.
Am just glad you did not dub them "Canadian Geese" because I would never call a pigeon an "American Pigeon" because it would be an insult to Americans. Geese and pigeons = foulness.
Why are these ill-tempered crap machines Canadian, anyway? Don't they live in the US most of the year?
The geese at my work taunt people. They'll walk out in the middle of the road and when cars honk, the geese honk back. I hate them.
This stuff kills me!! A friend and I were walking around the goverment base that we worked at and decided to take a short cut through the woods. Bad idea! All of a sudden, this loud, menecing noise came from behind us and a very pissed off goose buzzed our heads. My friend(?) threw my in front so the goose could get me and not her...her response was, " But you can defend yourself." Apparently, we had come across her nest. When she landed, the goose started running after us. I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life!!
Been a little MIA. Nothing like catching up with Amalah for an hour or two ;)
p.s. Hate clowns, monkeys dressed as people and now geese.
So, on the one hand, I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in my intense bird phobia. Seriously, most people laugh when they find out I'm scared of birds. Probably because they're thinking of, like, wee little sparrows or something. Not big ass angry geese or *shudder* my worst fear -- an ostrich!
On the other hand, I'm now scared shitless because I just moved into a new apartment and geese roam freely all over the neighborhood. I live in constant fear that I'm going to open my front door one day and there's going to be a goose on my front porch. So, thanks for reinforcing that fear everyone! ;-)