Six Months
This Entry Mentions Vaccines and Chickenpox but Not Daycare

The Other Very Important Things I Do With My Time

From my company's employee newsletter, April 1, 2006 edition:


Haaaaa. I'm so funny. Geese! Paparazzi geese! Brilliant!

(The type of brilliance that only comes from a board room committee meeting for discussing work-appropriate humor-related strategies and deadlines for said humor strategies and morale-boosting synergies.)

(The box. We are outside of it!)

But you know what? Those geese really are nasty little fuckers.


(This goose was NOT a fan of me OR my camera phone and totally charged after me with naked honking aggression after I snapped this picture. I would have taken another picture of the actual charging, but I was too busy SHRIEKING AND RUNNING FOR MY LIFE.)

(I fucking hate geese.)

(To be fair, they started it, way back during a second-grade field trip to Amish Country. I was just standing there with my little hands in my pockets and this punk-ass crazy-ass stupid-ass goose stuck his head through a fence and BIT MY ARM, ripped the lovely quilting on my coat from Burlington Coat Factory and BROKE SKIN, OH MY GOD. And then my teacher yelled at me to stop taunting the geese, and then I cried, because my teacher thought I was the type of girl who taunted geese, which was probably reconfirmed a decade later when I accidentally cut this same teacher off in traffic and she gave me the finger and I haven't stopped thinking about that since because I felt really bad although she was also the teacher who kind of lost it the one time my classmate lost a dollar and made us all keep our heads down on our desks all day EVEN DURING RECESS until one of us copped to stealing the dollar and then five hours later she found the dollar in the trash and never apologized but seriously, the goose totally fucking started it.)



my freshman year of college, we lived on the Pond. And one day my roommate, who was from Florida and who had never seen a Canadian goose before, said "Ashley, I think we should grab one of those shitting ducks and take it as our pet." I wish I could end the story with us alternately chasing and being chased by geese, but I was so afraid of them I talked her out of it and told her to NEVER EVER go near one because it will KILL ON SIGHT.

The thing about the picture is that you are not nearly gross enough to be Britney!

Nicole P

Dude, if a goose came at me, I would kick it in the chestal area. And then run away screaming.
F-ing geese.


Very nice parody in your newsletter.
And geese are so scary. I used to live in Regina and I swear there are millions of them there. Never been attacked, thankfully, but have far too many experiences of stepping in their damned feces.
Also, right after a lawn has been aerated, it looks like goose poop, and it's very confusing.


My aunt and uncle had geese when I was younger and I knew how mean they were b/c I lived nearby and had to run from the car to the front door to escape them all the time. Once when my younger cousins came to visit, I convinced them that they should go pet the "cute leetol geese." Hilarity ensued and I got in some serious trouble (almost as bad as the time I got them to eat boullion granules). Also props to the LSU squirrel sotry as those guys are crazy and think that anything is food!
Chickens do NOT = geese. They are much nicer. In fact, the newest picture on my blog is of me holding a chicken.

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