Things I Will Miss, Part 2
April 26, 2006
I will miss my personalized office escape route.
Fancy! Just like they got in them hotels!
I have no idea why my company decided to post evacuation instructions in every office, kitchen, copy room and vaguely defined common area -- perhaps they were a little shaken by our brush with that cigarette-in-a-garbage-can fire, perhaps it's some kind of law these days, or perhaps they're simply trying to avoid a lawsuit when somebody gets hurt in a freak fax machine explosion because there was not a handy map of the office nearby and they forgot where the stairs are.
I panicked! I had toner running down my face! And third-degree paper cuts! Everyone was screaming and I couldn't see the illuminated EXIT signs! But a map! I could have stopped to consult a map! OH WHEN WILL CORPORATE AMERICA EVER LEARN?
I will especially miss the fact that I have OPTIONS for fleeing the building.
See, the SOLID red line is my BEST option, while the DOTTED red line represents my FALLBACK route, to be used only if the zombies decide to start with the corner window offices, where all the extra-delicious executive brains sit.
And because I am a child who personifies and has imaginary conversations with cigarette disposals, I will admit to staring at this map sometimes and wishing it was like the Marauders' Map in Harry Potter, because that would pretty much be the coolest thing ever.
Dude, stay away from the leftover pasta salad in the kitchen. Professor Snape has been in the third stall from the right for 45 minutes already.
So yes. I will miss that. Along with our first-aid station stocked with everything from epinephrine shots to generic Midol, the CPR and Heimlich manuever posters, the external difibulator and the emergency oxygen tank. How in the world am I going to feel safe at home? What if Noah requires something besides infant Motrin? What if I accidentally set the dog on fire? What if I forget where my front door is?
I am so buying one of these, I will tell you that.
PS. How bad would it be if, on my last day, I drew tiny little toilets in the stalls on my map? What about urinals?