Things I Will Miss, Part 1
Flashback

Things I Will Miss, Part 2

I will miss my personalized office escape route.

Map

Fancy! Just like they got in them hotels!

I have no idea why my company decided to post evacuation instructions in every office, kitchen, copy room and vaguely defined common area -- perhaps they were a little shaken by our brush with that cigarette-in-a-garbage-can fire, perhaps it's some kind of law these days, or perhaps they're simply trying to avoid a lawsuit when somebody gets hurt in a freak fax machine explosion because there was not a handy map of the office nearby and they forgot where the stairs are.

I panicked! I had toner running down my face! And third-degree paper cuts! Everyone was screaming and I couldn't see the illuminated EXIT signs! But a map! I could have stopped to consult a map! OH WHEN WILL CORPORATE AMERICA EVER LEARN?

I will especially miss the fact that I have OPTIONS for fleeing the building.

Map2

See, the SOLID red line is my BEST option, while the DOTTED red line represents my FALLBACK route, to be used only if the zombies decide to start with the corner window offices, where all the extra-delicious executive brains sit.

And because I am a child who personifies and has imaginary conversations with cigarette disposals, I will admit to staring at this map sometimes and wishing it was like the Marauders' Map in Harry Potter, because that would pretty much be the coolest thing ever.

Map3

Dude, stay away from the leftover pasta salad in the kitchen. Professor Snape has been in the third stall from the right for 45 minutes already.

So yes. I will miss that. Along with our first-aid station stocked with everything from epinephrine shots to generic Midol, the CPR and Heimlich manuever posters, the external difibulator and the emergency oxygen tank. How in the world am I going to feel safe at home? What if Noah requires something besides infant Motrin? What if I accidentally set the dog on fire? What if I forget where my front door is?

I am so buying one of these, I will tell you that.

PS. How bad would it be if, on my last day, I drew tiny little toilets in the stalls on my map? What about urinals?

Comments

Leah

Yes, because everyone knows the best way to keep your child safe is to enclose him in a plastic bubble.

eve

Fab, it's dorky English reference day!

TrailGuide

Welcome to the Work-at-Home World!

Now you can kiss that extra fancy multi-optioned escape route map g'bye and say hello to the map of your local area - complete with big red X's over Target, Coach, and Sephora. Oh, and also? You may want to mark that new map with a symbol indicating the whereabouts of all Panera's and Starbucks lest the stupid cable company decide that today is the day that you get no internet access.

BTW- we can totally be the next Joy Mangano if we think up a way to turn that weirdo self-asphyxiation thing into a combination oxygen mask/hair drying hood to use when we're getting our highlights done!

Krista

HAAAAAAAAAAAA. Ha ha ha.

Nicole P

To clarify a previous post, though I am woefully low on MP lore, I *love* Eddie Izzard and have several of his stand up dvds. Just sayin' my mind isn't a complete loss.

Hope

That picture of the gas mask cracked me up good.

I would TOTALLY draw things on the map before you leave. You could make it like the map in Harry Potter so the next person can enjoy it :)

Gabbiana

Can I tell you how *glad* I am that somewhere, another grownup plays make-believe in her head, because real life is boring?

[Hugs Amalah.]

C

Now this is a classic Amalah post. Loved it!

Y from the internet

Oh man. This makes me laugh so hard because we used to have an escape plan at my old job. We had an "emergency drill" once and as we were walking up the grassy fire escape road to the upper field, my co-worker started shouting at us that we were going the wrong way.

"THIS IS WHERE THE HELICOPTERS NEED TO LAND! WE CAN'T BE HERE! THE HELICOPTERS LAND HERE!"

We all wanted to slap her, because she wouldn't shut up about the IMAGINARY HELICOPTERS and we seriously had no fucking idea what she was talking about.

So, finally, I was all "Gina, WHAT HELICOPTERS? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

And she was all "Um, the helicopters that are supposed to come rescue us."

And we all started laughing because, WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

omg. Now I can't stop laughing.

Starbuck

Joy Mangano?? Priceless!!

I think you should mark in very lovely fluorescent, or perhaps glitter, where your office is on the map so all will remember Amalah and new people will come and say, "Is this where Amalah of urban legend lore worked?!?! Please, show me where she wove her tales of delight." And they can point to the escape route.

desiree

2 posts in rapid succession? I need me one of those plastic bags of death I mean oxygen because I'm hyperventalating here.

Yellow plastic bag connected to areosol can (filled with oxygen...?) brilliant. Brilliant in a I'll just inhale the smoke and toxic waste fumes thanks.

Man work is slow today.

Julianna

Haaaaaaaaaaa! that is killing me.

At my old job I took their "what to do in case of a fire" and altered it. I swear that thing hung up for about 6 months before anyone ever noticed, than another 4 just for novelty.

Jem

Haha. The Snape thing cracked me up!

Hope Roth

The fire marshalls yelled at us the other day for covering up the fire-emergency-pull-handle-thingamajig with a candy jar. My response? "We have one of those?!?"

Meg

My friend's bank staff -- to a person -- has no idea where to go if the bank catches on fire. All of them said, "Away!"

Lori

GOD, I love you. That is all.

Kristen

You could always make your own and post them around your house. Better to be safe... and it would give us all a good laugh.

And you'd probably have the coolest house around... like a hotel.

yeah.

I'm a nerd.

JustLinda

You can TOTALLY go back and 'visit' only to restock your purse from the first aid cabinet!

I really think it's expected.

I mean, I have two grown daughters and they seem to find their way home for 'visits' and when I'm not looking, they take q-tips and jello and other staples (really? is jello a staple???)

What would be cool is if you outfitted your home office EXACTLY as if it were part of a big corporation. Post the minimum wage sign and maybe your "first dollar" in a frame and of course and illustrated chart with the Heimleich Maneuver. Stuff like that... yes, yes, you simply MUST do it!!

tiffers


hey Y,
is the helicopter lady gina...with a j?

just wondering.
hee!

DD

Actually, you might do someone a better favor by indicating where any of the "Personal Sanitation Dispensers" are located.

Y from the internet

TIFFERS! Good one! (but, no, it was just regular ol' Gina with a G)

callistawolf

I totally think you should. Draw the toilets, that is. I don't know about urinals, unless you've been in the men's bathroom and know right where they are. ;)

tiffers

oh!

i totally think you should draw the crate-race path.
you know, maybe you could keep it so that if you're not there, at least the new person in your office can maintain the title for you.

keep the dream alive, you know?

jonniker

Oh for chrissake. Seriously. The gas mask. You're killing me. And what's worse? After the freaking bird flu thing on Dateline, I actually looked at those and considered purchasing two or, you know, eleven. Just in case, and because I'm crazy like that. I know. I KNOW. It's overkill, but again, have I told you how NOT RIGHT I am with things like that?

And also, Y? I fucking HOWLED at the helicopters. I mean, full on compulsive giggling, complete with inability to regain any composure whatsoever. Because, I WOULD SO DO WHAT GINA DID. You don't want to be with me in an emergency, you just don't. Because I will have a gas mask on *and* I will be screaming for the helicopters. And also, running in the opposite direction and leaving you all in the dust. And that's just during a drill. Imagine, if you will, the real situation and how awesome I'd be then.

And Amy, draw the urinals. You must.

Starbuck

"lungs blessedly free from toxic carbon monoxide"

That sounds suspiciously like you did the write up on the Evac-u8. Is this your way of letting us in on your new freelancing gig? C'mon, fess up -- your writing adds for medieval "safety" apparatus, aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!?!

Mama Pajama

Visio, darling Amalah. They have the little icons for toilets and urinals, but I don't think I've ever seen a bidet.

C

OMG, Mama PJ - LOL - I had no idea re: Visio. It has not one, not two, but FIFTEEN different toilet icons. Even a TP dispenser.

I *must* work these into my next Visio diagram.

Bethany Coffey

I think that it would be fabulous. No better way to say "Amalah wuz here"

blackbeltmama

I think I need to get me one of those masks. They would do wonders for my action plans. I would totally love your office for the very same reason!

Sadie

I totally second the idea to map out the crate race route. That is important shit.

Also, Jonniker, re: bird flu - you don't need a mask; just keep rubbing Vicks on the parakeet's chest before bed and everyone will be fiiiiiine.

Erica

Sounds like it's time for Noah's first 99 cent plastic key puzzle! Not so much fun for Ceiba though....

Liz

"3rd-degree paper cuts" would be my worst nightmare. I hate paper cuts!

supa

totally sweet harry potter reference. Your nerd is showing.

Bozoette Mary

So what kind of shoes go best with a gas mask?

Matthew Manz

Hey Amy,
How are you doing? Great points about the emergency map. Hey I am is the process of planning our Class 10 year reunion and have been trying to locate/get in touch with you. Could you email me so I can bring you up to speed. Hope to hear from and see you soon.
Matt Manz

Dawn

You really really should make your office map into HP's Marauder's map.

You know the gal who is ALWAYS in the breakroom eating something...you should draw her in there (name and all). The guy who is always standing at the desk of the prettiest girl in the building and flirting til she feels like throwing up....draw him in there too along with the biggest brown noser in the buildingwith their head up the VP's ass (lol) and all those other annoying people who always seem to be in the same lace, anyplace besides where they might actually get work done. That would be so damn funny. They might even frame it in your memory. lol. Make sure you post a copy for us.
Dawn
Delurking

April

Okay, I may be flirting with dork-dom here.

But, can someone please tell me what a BEEFLOG is?

Heather

I have often wished for a Marauder's Map. It's just so bloomin' cool!

ambrosia

oh yes, do the toilets! and take a picture for us!

Penny

You must draw the toilets and urinals!!! And then you must give the map to me. You owe me from that time I stole that magazine from the boss man for you. You know what I'm talkin' about!!

earlyduckie

To have a Marauder's Map would be the best. That way you could know when your boss is out of the office so you could take a nap at your desk. Also you could find out who always leave's the doughnuts uncovered on "Doughnut Thursday" so that the little gnats get in and start having a feast...

Jessie

I agree with everyone. You should definitely mark the toilets/urinals. And any other random thing you can. Like any stains on the carpet that you know the story behind, and definitely any candy jars. That would be really funny.

cole

-chuckles*
It'll be like Resident Evil meets Backdraft!

Linda

I think a crown, or perhaps tasteful tiara, drawn in your office would be in order.

Lumpyheadsmom

On the Hill, an "escape hood" is standard issue in every office. We had to attend training sessions so we could use them properly.

My colleague said, "All I need to know is if I can drive to Virginia at 85 miles an hour in this thing."

Because one of the options after donning the escape hood? Is "Remain working at your desk." Yes, yes. After being told to put on my personal gas mask, I'm going to continue working calmly at my desk. While I send emails in all caps to my friends saying "WAAAH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Real Girl

Am I the only one who used to watch that Buffy spin-off, Angel? Because if I remember correctly, a whole evil law firm got killed by some...evil law firm killing creature.

Clearly they didn't have an escape MAP.

Alexa

Oh, how I have longed for a Marauder's map of my own office, or even a Foe Glass, so I could see when my boss is approaching and quickly close the internet window in which I am reading blogs.

And you should definitely add to the map before you leave. But stick to toilets--urinals are hard to draw.

JesC

Marauders Map, that would ROCK.

Julie

Absolutely - replace the map with your very own Visio diagram of the floor. Complete with toilets, urinals, potted plants, and notes about each person occupying each cubicle.

Having worked in a high-rise office building in New York at the time of 9/11, I'm actually surprised that I didn't have one of those maps posted in my old office. We had two sets of emergency stairs, and the fun part of every fire drill was trying to figure out which one was Stair A and which was Stair B.

lisa

I work in a school and of course we have those escape route maps in every room. But I have a tiny room and it is NOT ON THE MAP. How will I know which way to go? How will I even know where I am starting? Apparently, in case of emergency, speech therapists are expendable.

cursingmama

After wiping the coffee off of my monitor (snape in the stall was the final straw) I thought to myself - with your final days on the job winding down you should use your time wisely and make some maps for your house, and maybe your car. And I think adding details to the office map is a good and kind thing for the next person that finds themselves wondering which bathroom is for girls and which one is for boys.

Alishia

The insect vacuum has always been the item I've most coveted!

NaechsteHaltestelle

I'm glad you can find something to miss about work. My maternity leave starts this weekend, and the only thing I'll miss is stealing the Diet Cokes.

Bella

[hand raised highly in the air] Complete and uttterly addicted fan right here. You rock Amy. You just ROCK.

Jennifer

DUDE. If you had a Marauders Map, there would be no reason for this post, because admit it, you would not be able to quit your job because it would be way too much fun to spy on people.

Then again, you probably wouldn't get any work done so you would get fired.

Nevermind.

RockStar Mommy

I'm with Jennifer above. If you had a Marauders Map at work and still quit, I'd have to smack some sense into you.

Your comments are exhausting. Everyone explaining in detail everything they say, everyone all "I hate assvice, but you should be doing this...", everyone all "jealous.jealous.jealous." and "bitter.bitter.bitter."

I don't know how you do it. I'd have blown up my computer by now.

Robyn

Agh! That "EVACU8" thing is scary! Well, actually, it looks a lot like the shower cap my mom uses.

Bonanza Jellybean

Heh. We have a sliding glass door in our office, and after every emergency procedures meeting/training we have to MAKE SURE that we know how to exit the door five feet from our desks, we joke that we're going to do the Homer Simpson in event of a real emergency- lock it behind us and jump up and down yelling "I WIN! I WIN!"

dawn

I think you should go to everyone's office and draw a morse-code line to Candy Corner. Because that's the escape route most used. The new kids'll love ya (even more!) for it!

Y from the internet

April?

The Original BEEFLOG

DebbieS

"Dude, stay away from the leftover pasta salad in the kitchen. Professor Snape has been in the third stall from the right for 45 minutes already." Thanks, now I have to wipe little bits of Cinnamon Toast Crunch off my monitor.

Real Girl

BEEF LOG. Thanks so much for that link, because all yesterday, I'm thinking to myself, "What's a bee flog?"

Durr.

Jenn

Having actually made one of those little maps for my dad's school, I am now kicking myself in the ass for missing the chance to add in wee little toilets.

damita

Ha ha, loving your blog, will be visiting from now on, I say draw them!

wordnerd

Damn. A person will burn to death just trying to interpret those stupid maps!

So glad to know that someone else fantasizes that the whole Harry Potter experience could actually, like, really exist...

Isabel

This made me think about the office supplies you took when you left to have Noah. It's funny how attached we get to our work places. I guess it's cause we spend so much time there.

Here's wishing you the best of luck!!

Sarawarawoo

Wow, I missed all the mommy in-fighting, and in a way I'm really glad. It's so sad that people can't just accept the choices others make, thankfully the majority of your readers think you rock and any choice you make for your family...short of selling Noah into white slavery...would meet with over-whelming support.

The Amalah and the Babalah and the Amalah Familah (Famalah?)deserve support and goodwill...not assvice and griping!

Kate

This is one of the funniest entries you've written (at least by my standards of what "funny" is). I loved this!

Please, please, please draw tiny toilets! Whoever moves into your office next will appreciate it for sure.

Whitney

I would totally draw the toilets and urinals. I might even go as far to draw someone using them. And? I'm definitely with Dawn on drawing the stereotypical people that every office has. It will be awesome.

Peyton

I missed the mommy-infighting, and I'm glad I did. I can't stand that stuff! I've learned to let go of the guilt a while ago (I've had to, working full time and going to law school with an 18 month old. There's no room for guilt in that equation.)

Who cares, really, what complete strangers think - the only people that moms have to answer to are their children and their husbands.

Sabrina

OMG that looks like the map from my old job!!

Draw some urinals, some toilets and make sure to make an X marks the spot where the secret boss/coworker makeout hiding spot is. We used to catch our boss or other coworkers in the nurse station in our office, how scary is that! And these were married professional people btw.

kathy

what about the baby ducks? i KNOW you will miss those!

Janet

Oooh a Snape reference!

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