Things I Will Miss, Part 3

if u loved that preshus baby u would leave him in DAYCARE u negligent monster OMG

Okay, enough with the job quitting talk (today is my second-to-last day!). Enough with the freelancing talk (if I were getting paid for this I'd have said it's my penultimate day!). Enough with the camera phone pictures and the conversations with inanimate objects and ENOUGH with the goddamned mommy war jealous bitter comment fighting bullshit.

Instead, let's all talk about how royally and utterly screwed I am:



I don't have outlet covers. I don't have corner guards. I don't have locks on the cabinets and our toilet is just a big old unsecured porcelain menace. We do have a baby gate that we bought for the dog, but...well, it doesn't actually lock anymore, which I am guessing is kind of a problem?


The dog crate still locks. So there is that.



You are in sooooo much trouble!! But, congrats on the new crawler! They really are a hoot when they first get going. They are always so darn proud of themselves! He will probably go into the same forbidden corner 100 times in a row - so be prepared to put your "patient" cap on!


Go baby!


Well that is awesome. Go Noah Go. My ten month old is walking (albeit like Frankenstein on crack) but walking nonetheless. AH motherhood, it scares the shit out of you but rocks the casbah anyway!


Hysterical. Absolutely hysterical.


Now that he can crawl, why not paper train him? You'll save so much time once you give up diapers. Just put the newspaper near his crate so he doesn't have to crawl too far...


I'm betting that Noah is very, very clever when it comes to disassembling any lame-o "baby protection device" you might install on the dangerous toilet or cabinets holding household poisons.'ll probably need to get some anyway. Can't wait until he figures out (like my youngest) that pulling drawers out in decending order makes a dandy ladder by which to climb onto the kitchen counter and eat sugar out of the cannister. Good luck, darling.


just in time to start working from home!
how fun for you!

also, yay noah!
what a cutie.

Vaguely Urban

Maybe you could convince him that, beyond the border of that rug, the hardwood floor is full of... alligators?


My son is 21 months old and I still don't have locks on the cabinets. Some of my outlets don't have covers. He'll get hurt a few times and learn. Isn't that how we did it?

He looks like he's saying what's the big deal?

I think he is just adorable. Go Noah Go!!


Dude, all of those "child protection" devices can only be opened by the very child who is NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OPENING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Anyway, yes, the dog crate just might have to work for now. Just wait until he figures out how to pick a lock, though...


So, wait....are you gonna put him in the crate, or are you going to lock yourself in there with a bottle of vodka??


Go Noah! We never did the locks on the cabinets or toilet locks, and some of our outlets never had covers. And the one baby gate we tried for a while ripped out of the wall as soon as my son pulled up on it the first time. What a negligent mother I am! But he survived, and is now 3 1/2. Of course, he doesn't have much of a sense of adventure, and I never remember him even trying to get into any cabinets and certainly not the toilet. Anyway, I guess my point is that Noah will be just fine.


I am laughing at the title of this post!

But wow, check out Noah! Go Noah, go! It's so much fun for them learning to explore. Yet so hair pulling for the parents. You know what's coming next. Oh yes you do. The pull up & cruise around trying to walk.

Let the fun begin!

The Dlug



Congrats on the crawler, it's scary but fun. I should know. I'm 23 years old and nanny 19 month-old twins. That gives me the right to comment and criticize just like any other mom blogger, right?

Wait. No.

Exiled to Canada

Way to go Noah!! When my little guy first started crawling, he could only go backwards and it really pissed him off, LOL. You should know that they have a sixth sense for that one outlet you forgot to cover. We used to just hold a couple extra covers, put him down and track him to the offending outlet.


Dog crates work wonderfully for keeping your children out of harms way!


Go Speed Racer go!

Aww, he's just so damn cute!


People always tell me that having three pets is kind of like having kids.

I always say not really because you can't lock babies up in a cage and leave for the day.

Obviously I was wrong.

Good to know.


But you DO have a FABULOUS Coach bag!!!! Am I right in seeing that in the pic with Noah?!

It is Coach right?


Once they start crawling, OMG!

Y from the internet

Ha! Ha! Noah thinks he invented crawling! (still.funny.)

Second to last day?! And so the countdown to Starting Over recaps BEGINS! (Yes, I have my own little fantasies about what you staying home from work means to ME.)

You are so TOTALLY SCREWED. Once they start crawling/walking, life as you know it is Officially Over. But, try to look at The Positive. Think of all of the blog fodder!



I wonder if they make dog crates big enough to hold a six year old.


Did you say that last sentence aloud? Because it appears that Noah is trying to get away from you and, honestly, can you blame him?


I love the two-photo series. It's like watching a baby chick hatch.
I scrolled down to the second picture and said aloud, "you're fuuuh-uuuh-cked" in a little singsong voice, and my officemate just snapped "excuse me?" over the cube wall.


Oh my GOD. You don't put a baby in a friggin' DOG CRATE.

That's where you're supposed to hide with a bottle of booze. No one will think to look for you there. :P

My almost-six-month-old baby keeps trying to crawl by planting her face on the floor and trying to drag herself while sticking her butt up in the air. It's only funny because she hasn't actually figured it out yet. As soon as she does I'm going to have a stroke trying to keep her away from all her big sister's choking hazards.


My friend's baby kept walking into her parents' cage they keep their newfoundland dog in, so there are several pics of that on her blog. I told her she should start the BWF (baby wrestling federation) and have cage matches with other babies for profit. MY IDEA people.

Instead of investing all that money in baby-proofing, just stick a helmet on the kid and tape oven mitts to his hands. I'm sure that will be adored by all of the OMG UR SO KREWEL people out there!!!

(Can you understand now why I don't have my own babalah?)


The look on his face in the second pictures does not bode well for you. It says "bring it."



How do they go from not crawling to crawling, just like that? He lookds like a pro already.
Good luck with the babyproofing - have you considered suspending things from the ceiling?



Welcome to hell my dear. And it only gets better when they start walking :)

And do NOT bother with the bumper for your coffee table - biggest damn waste of money EVER!


That was the best damn title EVER.


I'm with Nosila on this one -- the second picture tells me that our dear Amalah is in deep shit. (Yes, we can say that here, and say it with abandon.)

Oh, and by the way, how could you copy my e-mail and put it as the title to today's post?!?!?! ;)

Bozoette Mary

Just kind of insert your foot under his tummy and gently flip him over on his back. He quit that crawling nonsense pretty quick, and you'll build up lovely calf muscles. A win-win!

Sarah Marchant

I'm with Amanda and Meg - fabulous title.
LOL!1!!!!111!!! in fact ;-)


He is damn cute, but oh-so-frightening with his mobility! He'll probably be driving by next week, right?


I'm embarrassed to say that my daughter is 20 months old, and while we have most of our outlets covered, only some of our cabinets are locked (and neither of our toilets are locked; we just keep them closed), and we only have some corner/table edge protectors. As for the stairs and getting off the couch, we learned the hard way that it is was best to teach our daughter how to navigate them herself (otherwise, she thought she could just "fly" and would wait for an opening when we looked away for one freaking split second). Fortunately, God still watches over babies and fools.

Kudos to your son on his new-found mobility! It will get less scary as time goes on.

Heather B.

Preshus baby, indeed.

Mrs X

I think the only way to truly baby proof is to nail everything to the ceiling.
Yes, you are screwed. But at least it's by a really cute blonde!


I'm lovin' the looks on his face. Anywhere from pure determination to "I'm doin' this, huh?"

I'm thinkin' right about now you just start an I.V. drip of vodka to numb the pain...


my kid actually did stick her finger in the socket. We really felt bad. For a few hours then she slammed her hand in the drawer. We are not what you call "strong" parents.


i LOVE the forehead of consternation and furrowed brows. so preshus.


Shit. You see what daycare did for her? Why would you want your kid to go there.

Heh. Joking.

Yeah. Watch out. He'll be all in your business before you know it.

And metal crates work best - they are nice and cool.



p.s. You know your peeps at work will TOTALLY throw you a par-tay. What a post that will be. Comp-ed donettes for the entire staff. Free foodstuffs and deli trays and Shasta! They'll pull out all the stops and light things on fire and you might have to use that fire escape route after all.


While he is crawling, the only things you need are gates on the stairs (because unlike falling off the bed, this one can potentially injure him), and moving the damn coffee table out of the living room, better yet, out of the house. When I went to the ER (for myself, for slipping on ice) this winter, the doctor that took care of me was also sewing 8 stiches on a 10-month's old forehead. I asked him about the baby and he said, " Damn coffee tables. If there is one advice to give all parents about babyproofing, it is to get rid of their coffee tables." Apparently, almost every day he stiches up babies and toddlers who fall on, off, near coffee tables and get a gash on their heads.

Go baby go, what fun!


I just got shivers looking at that picture of Noah... He is totally like "yeah - look at me - good luck catching me!" This is my future in just a month or two...


Ooooh, you're in for it now. I like the dog crate idea, myself! Why didn't I think of that? :)

Just Linda

Mobile baby?

Time to chain him to the furnace! Let's face it, chains were the FIRST baby-safety devices, right? Why go high tech when the answer is just right there, so simple! And, if you buy heavy-duty chains, they will surely take you well into his teenage years!!!

Can I also recommend you stock up on duct tape now? I mean, it won't be any time at all before he starts talking and, well, you'll want to be READY.


You might be screwed.
But you never know.
We put latches on the cabinets and Oldest never ever even tried to open them.
Middle didn't care about the toilet - he ate all the paper off the roll.
And Youngest, well, we just handed him a steak knife when he was about a year old.


Now you are going to have to start tying bells to him so that you can hear him jingling wherever he may go. It's only a matter of time now before you have to stop swearing, because pretty soon those words will be flowing out!

He is so freaking photogenic though, what a cutie!


Wow! He is growing up way too fast! The crate sounds like a pretty good idea because you're going to have a hard time getting anything done when you're chasing around your newly mobile baby. Speaking of which, how do you get things done with him in the house? I can't see how people can accomplish things while at home with an active baby. Please tell me your secret.


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha......Good luck. I swear by those locks with the little loops that go around handles of cupboards...without those my pantry would be regularly turned into a Playtime Wonderland. Did you know oatmeal is a great substitute for sand? Apparently so.

My oldest was a calm child who never tried to go after contraband. So we got lulled into apathy. The baby? He likes to put the toilet plunger on his head, and dunk toilet paper in the toilet for a yummy taste sensation.

Mom Nancy


As a mother of three girls, I can attest that skirts and dresses will slow down a crawler every time.



Ironically - I read a news article about this on the net somewhere yesterday or today! It said that most homes are not as babyproof as they think! Too funny!

We just purchased things as we needed them. Our son never got into "cords" too much - however my nephew "shocked" himself once, and that didn't stop his curiosity. Go figure - good luck!


I learned with LilZ that no matter how much you childproof? They'll still find that thumbtack under the couch you didn't even know was there.

I bet that doesnt make you feel better, does it?


No Dog Crate.

Pack and Play.
Upside Down.
With Something Heavy On It.
(just remember to include a tin cup that he can bang on the supports)

Also, Jolly Jumper for mutual entertainment. It's so much fun, you forget it doubles as a restraint.


HA HA!!! Now the fun begins, you will have SO much blog fodder on 'the things Noah finds and eats that you had no idea were there'. Good luck! The mumy thing is such a joy. I just collected my dad's ashes from the funeral home , I am holding my breath until they are handed to mum tomorrow, in case any of my 3 little boys aged 2, 4 and 5 should find them, can you imagine what they could do with those?!?


OH MY WURD, you are done for.

kerri anne

The eyes, they are killer.


You can lock a toilet?


We did minimal child proofing with our 3 and had no serious problems. The toilet was the main concern because that is just disgusting. So we kept all the bathroom doors closed. HOWEVER, my youngest, at the tender age of 2 (or was she only 1?) taught herself to unlock the front door and deadbolt. So we put a cover on the knob. Then only the older kids could leave the house because no adult could open the door.

It will be great, you will be BUSY, keep some donettes on hand and for crying out loud, DO NOT EAT FRUITY-GOO COOKIES NEXT TIME!!!


Ha! Fun With Crawling Begins! He will definitely be getting into...everything.

True story: My dad took apart (read with his own two little chubby hands) his entire playpen, nut/bolt at a time until all four sides fell down. At six months of age. Pack and Plays are your friend, I hear from all my friends who are moms. (Approximately 90% of them. Waah! Jealous!)

Happy Penultimate Work Day!


At least the outlet covers are cheap and safe, if you remember to use them, that is...I caught the pea trying to plug in the vacumn cleaner one day when I had accidently left one of the covers out.
Yay to Noah, now the real fun begins-he's now mobile enough to get to your lovely Coach bag and eat the contents. Miss Pea has a fondness for gum and tampons.


FWIW, our son (18mo) only tries to get into the cabinets/drawers with locks. Thankfully he was healthily scared of stairs enough that by the time he got over the fear he was fine going up/down them. He's gone down the "fast way" several times, but he just cries a bit and is fine - he's never hurt himself badly (except for last weekend when he grabbed a hot table lamp bulb at my MOTHER-IN-LAW's house). I'm sure you'll know what safety stuff to get as it becomes needed. Mostly he'll likely get into trouble with the stuff you specifically freak out about when he starts to investigate.
That all being said, hot DAYUM he's adorable with that look of concentration on his face as he goes! Congratulations on the crawling!!


Love the title. No matter what you do to childproof, your child will find something to get into. I just became my daughter's shadow and things were mostly o.k. My little one is inch worm crawling and rolling all over the place. She gets on hands and knees and is able to move her knees but hasn't figured out the moving of the hands part yet. THANK GOD! I need more time!


i totally can't get over the hint of an impish grin on noah's face in that second picture.


my sister walked at 8 months, I walked much later. may noah take after me.


Problem solved! (regarding the dog crate) Wow, look at him go. I fear. Makes me wanna go out and stock up on outlet covers, even though mine isn't even born yet!


My first daughter just skooted on her but, she never crawled. I am bound and determined to make the second one crawl. Good luck Noah!


That, there, is my biggest fear. I know the day will come and I'll smile and cheer. And then poop my pants.


I can't move beyond the title, because it may be the most brilliant thing you've ever written. Like, EVAH.

And lastly, a word of practical advice: Do not buy the really pricey babygate that opens and shuts like a fancy plastic fence, because YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PUT IT TOGETHER. Like, it will take HOURS and HOURS of torture. And crying. And throwing of random plastic pieces.

We bought it for our DOG. It was $125..


Dog crates are the next big thing. Go with it.

Also, Noah looks biteable. The whole shirt setting off his eyes thing is going to work with the ladies.

Big Gay Sam

Since when did Smeagol get internet access?


oh I love it! Good luck with the baby proofing!

Your crate comment made me laugh so hard!


That baby is so darn cute I CAN'T STAND IT!!!


You are getting out of work just in the nick of time. Look at that steely determination. Am mobile! Am self propelled destructive force!

So cute...Go Noah!!

Silly Hily

Holy shit I can't believe it's already time for him to be crawling! So fun!!!


Aherm sorry... I was there two weeks ago. I went the bad mommy route and set up the pack and play in the living room. We don't put her in it all the time, but it does enable me to go to the bathroom every so often.
Good luck baby proofing. Soon he'll be pulling up too...

Bonanza Jellybean

It's good the dog crate locks- that way, you can put Noah in it while you're covering outlets. :) Seriously, we never had any of that stuff ready, either, and my kid has made it to 7 without electocuting or poisoning herself, so I'm sure Noah will be fine.

And if you thought the mommies got worked up before, I dare you to take a picture of Noah in the dogcrate. :)


My son just recently learned to crawl and since then I havent sat down at home. He is only interested in electrical sockets, sharp edges and curtains. My hat is off to you if you can actually be productive AND keep track of him. (the glory of nap times!!) But oh what fun they are at this age!!


Call us crazy (and I'm sure someone will) but we didn't do any baby-proofing and our child is still alive (he's 4).

The Village Idiot

Crawling ain't the scary time, though it's slightly more harrowing than when the baby is only capable of sitting there and looking at you. The really scary time is when they start hoisting themselves up onto two feet and lurching around the house like drunken sailors. Once they get the hang of ambulation you can relax, however, until he actually becomes a drunken sailor.

Ah, parenting is great.
Have a Day,
The Village Idiot


Hurray for the crawly baby!!!


I think the dog crate sounds like an excellent plan. And also maybe some double sided tape. Surely that would slow him down long enough for you to leave him home alone while you run out to get drunk and do a little baby proofing shopping...right?


Now the fun begins...


Yup, you're screwed! :) I love his little hand digging into the carpet. He's such a little sweetie.


look at that little dude go. that is some cute crawling type activity. most impressive.


The look on his face says, "Oh wow. I am shocked and in awe of my own destructiveness"... Almost as though he's thinking "Holy crap. Now I can crawl"...

Whoo hoo! Have fun, momma!


OH! I forgot. Keep the exersaucer around. My toddler, who is nearly 16 months and the most preshus troublemaker you'll ever see, is learning very quickly that if he gets into a "no touch" (garbage can, diaper pail, etc)after a warning he goes straight into the exersaucer, which he haaaates. Because he is not mobile. Sure there are cute toys there, but that is not nearly as fun as walking around and getting into things. So the exersaucer works great as a time out chair for those who will not "sit" in time out. Ha.


HaHaHaHaHaHa...... (she says mockingly as her own Precious Progeny is rocking back and forth on all fours RIGHT NOW)


Oh honey, you're INNNNNNNNN for it. We're experiencing the same hell around here.

It's fun until he dumps all the board games, with corresponding little pieces, out of the living room cabinet (without locks, of course).

Go. Right now. To Target and get yourself some locks. NOW!!!


Noah is "The Wanderer" and he seems to be saying "catch me if you can."

Are you adding wine to your wish list?

Bonanza Jellybean

And there I was thinking I was the first to think of locking the kid on the dog crate. So much for my self-image. And so much for thinking that the world was somewhat full of well-adjusted people. :)


That last picture is priceless. The look on his face is like "Woman, I am going to make your life a living hell starting riiiiight NOW."

Lisa Ann

Go! Noah! Go!

Wait till he discovers the buttons on the computer/tv/stereo.

He is just too freaking cute with that determined look.

Real Girl

Oh to see a claymation version of Noah and Ceiba going at it in the dog crate. Where's MTV Child Abuse Match when you need it?


Holy smokes 94 comments!


Uh, oh. At least he's cute doing it! Watch out mommy!


Holy shit! Is it time for him to start doing that already?? I'm not even his mama and he's getting so big so fast! Good luck sister!!

wayward goddess

Houston, we have mobility.
It's all downhill from here


I thought the little angel would crawl the bookshelves, ingest the philondendron, eat the cat's poop and hurl herself out of her non-barred, second-floor bedroom window. Because I am psycho like that.

We babyproofed the cabinets (WISE), the outlets (so far, fun for us, she hasn't noticed), the stairs (WISE) and the sharpy-pointy edges of her toybox. We ignored the toilets, the cat's box (ur baby will dye if u let her eat cat poo) the yard, the stove, the refrigerator (I've never understood that one) and the bathtub spout. We also flagrantly ignore the little temperature duck on her bathmat that screams TOO HOT if the bath water creeps above tepid.

You know Noah best - what kind of a personality does he have? If he's an explorer, babyproof more. If he's fat and happy, babyproof less. But really, it's not like you're going to go next door to a barbeque and leave him sitting on the stove, right?


One of my twins started crawling three weeks ago. Now we love the other one more.

Her Bad Mother

Just strap him *to* the dog and the tension created by the opposing forces of movement will slow both of them down. And throw on the cat as well if the dog is really too small to slow the boy down.

The comments to this entry are closed.