Hello! Go Away! Come Back on Monday!
if u loved that preshus baby u would leave him in DAYCARE u negligent monster OMG

Things I Will Miss, Part 3


I am actually tearing up a little bit about this, although it will be nice to save all those quarters. We can probably afford to buy a house now. And I blame the whole 9 pound, 15 ounce baby thing on those fucking powdered donettes.

But! Noah is very smart, and those smarts totally came from all the fruit I ate while I was pregnant, and by "fruit" you know I mean "fake raspberry-like goo-substance on processed shortbread cookies."

(Okay! Now I actually have to go write something for money. Something that is not totally stupid. And something without any bad words.)

(We're gonna need more HoHos.)

P.S. Well, despite feeling really really really really stupid about posting a link to a blog that is just like this blog only...you know...more selloutaceous...and is also so brand new that there's only one damn post so far, I hereby present the ClubMom blog that I've affectionately nicknamed the Quaalude Blog: The One I Am Not Allowed to Curse On.

(It officially "launches" on Thursday, which is why you won't find a link to it anywhere at ClubMom.com.)

(Unless I am lying! And I'm just going to ridiculous lengths to pretend to freelance! I'm the Stephen Glass of the blog world! That photo is actually of a vending machine at the bus station! WHERE I LIVE NOW.)



YUM!!! Hohos... Powdered doughnuts... I am going to have to search my desk for change - I feel a major snack attack coming on!


do I have to register for ClubMom to read your fancy paid writings? Cause I am not a mom...what if they find out that your legions of fans are following you over there but they are not moms at all?


How can we find you on Clubmom, oh great one?


you may miss the vending machine but now you will have time for more 7-11 runs and they? have slurpees!


Now I'm craving those raspberry cookies.


The ClubMom blog is not public yet. They are waiting for me to post something and then I believe it will be linked from the homepage. Which: AAAAHHHHEEEIIII.

I will post a direct link later, promise. I just wanted to give you some pretty trans-fat goodness to stare at in the meantime.


mmmmmmm...trans-fat goodness......


My vice were the pop-tarts. Blueberry. Cold.


I walked around at home totally in a trans-fat withdrawal haze after I stopped working. Then I discovered the jumbo boxes at Sam's Club, and my junk food withdrawal symptoms went away. It was truly a miracle!

Mmm, Ho-Ho's....


I would have been partial to the Ho Hos myself.


Thos cookies are like CRACK! I swear, I can hardly set foot in a convenience store without buying a bag or twelve. Thank GOD for "pay at the pump". Otherwise I might be in serious trouble...


That raspberry goo has served as my breakfast far more times than I'd like to admit.

Also, I like to peel my Ho-Hos.

for Joke!

Moms let kids suck on their noses????!! (looking at sidebar comment)


Just Linda

So, do tell... are you sneaking into the company using your badge illegally in the wee hours just to get all these photographs?

Or did you go around taking pictures of ev-er-ee-thing before you left?

Either way, I'm kinda sorta laughing at you. Not in a bad way, though, in a "Man, is she a crazy chick and how much fun would it be to hang out with her on Halloween if we could ditch the kids and drink a fifth of slow-gin first?

No, no... wait -- I did that slow-gin thing back in high school and I vowed NEVER EVER AGAIN. Can we do marguaritas instead????


For me, it is the Skittles. There are many varieties of Skittles, which I never would have known if not for the vending machine, which forced me to try said varieties in desperation.

Also, the tiny tiny bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, which contains only 6 chips and some crumbs, which I shake into my mouth anyway, and KEEP BUYING even though I get angry every time I realize there are only 6 chips in there.


What about the Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies!!! I think those things might have crack in them...


Love powdered donuts. MMMM!
I can't wait to see what you have to say over at ClubMom. Way to go!


i must say you are way too skinny if you really ate all that stuff. i can't believe it! my vending weakness is the lays classic. always the lays classic. ahh, that pretty shiny bag. the salty, greasy goodness that gives me extra fun baggage under my eyes...

*sigh* good thing there's no vending machine in my house.


That is, in fact, the thing I miss most about working. How sad is it that I made my husband make me a menu of what is available in his veinding machines and keep it updated. Then, I can put in my snack order each night. Can't wait to see your ClubMom dish.


Something with no bad words? That's gonna be tough. You'd better have some powdered donettes!


Ahhh, the vending machine. It is my enemy, especially since the one here has every single one of my favorite candy bars in it. Thank goodness it doesn't have cheetos or I'd be in serious trouble.



Is that what they are called?! lol.

I am pregnant for the third time so this post really got to me lol.

CONGRATS ON CM DIG! SOOOOOO happy for you and can't wait to check it out!


Congrats on the ClubMom gig! The vending machine is on another floor at my office, thank God. Of course, there's the nemesis known as my office "snack drawer."


No access to vending machines? I am putting my money on you losing weight. :-)

I found that when I started staying home full time, I wasn't eating as much. I realize now that I wasn't working for the weekend, but rather FOR LUNCH.


I am just glad you can (apparently) still curse on this site. I may have to give up rap music when there is a baby in the car, but God, I shouldn't have to give up the profanity on the blogs I read. It is just too much to ask.


Damn, now I want a Ho-Ho. Or Famous Amos cookies. Or a cold Poptart.

Mental note: Never read Amalah when hungry, you never know when she'll post trans-fat goodness to taunt hungry pregnant women.


I love the Ding Dongs and Twinkies, myself. In fact, I'll freeze them for a bit before eating them....Oh, gosh, now look what you've done! You've made me hungry!


Congrats on the ClubMom gig! I look forward to reading you over there. I have dreams of someday finding a paying gig reading blogs....yes, I'll keep dreaming.


Blogging *is* serious business, isn't it? Honestly, I never realized how serious until I read the job requirements posted for your new position at ClubMom. When I read Amalah, I never really think "this is a real person, with skills other than making me laugh my ass off." But there you are, in all your professional glory ;) I'm a contract technical writer (I know you've done some tech writing) and someday, I want to grow up to be just like you! Good luck with the new digs - you're going to be the best thing that ever happened to ClubMom.


Have you considered asking for a fully stocked vending machine for Mother's Day?


I generally only buy peanut M&M's from the vending machine, and even that is only about once every 2 or 3 months. But last night I had a DREAM about buying some of those powdered donettes. PMS is a bitch who won't even leave you alone in your sleep!!!

Big Gay Sam

You started a riot here in the office. We don't have ho-ho's in our vending machine. I think my co-workers are planning a coup.

Bozoette Mary

Like Sadie, I am all about the Skittles. The original are the best, but I also enjoy the exotic sugary splendor of the tropical variety as well.


I think "We're gonna need more Ho-Hos" should be your new banner :) hehe


Now I will have to add ClubMom to my reading list too. I missed my chance to say congratulations on your new gig(s). I just did the opposite thing (put the baby boy in more daycare 'cause that crawling prevented me from working) and am jealous and glad to see you pulling the WAHM thing off. Don't let that five days a week posting over there put a dent in your posting pics over here.


Just make sure you come back here to curse and post Noahlah pics!

Her Ladyship

I *almost* agree with you. Vending machine donuts rawk...except it's the chocolate donettes that are god's gift to late-night snack attacks, especially if much beer has been consumed. Yum.

And I'm thinking that the pictures of Noah in yesterday's entry is from Two Amy's Pizza, right? *Sigh.* I moved away from DC seven months ago and I still crave their pizza. I'm going back in a few weeks for work and oh you BET I'm hitting them at least five or eight times.

Nicole P

Damn you all...I am almost always able to avoid the vending machine in my office, but today's crappy mood and your comments are sending me diving for change in my wallet. :)


I am pretty sure my son was grown soley on grapefruit and powdered donettes. :D


Yum! Those would come in handy for me today. Stress city.

Congrats on the blog gig! Will look forward to the link once it is available!


See, now that right there is a serious drawback to being at home - no vending machine. And now I am dying for some sugary snack with no nutritional value whatsoever and I've got nothing. Dammit.

Her Bad Mother

Damn. Somebody already said it. Get own vending machine with the ClubMom riches! Think of it as trans-fatty-good way to save for Noah's education: all those Ho-Ho quarters piling up for Harvard... Or clown school.


Don't tell me you're a Ho-Ho ho!??!

Silly Hily

You said HoHo! HA! Sorry...am sleep deprived.


Would those be Don Knotts' cookies?


My sweet babe (born a week after yours) is 98% waffles and Log Cabin syrup approximation. Good luck on the new gig. You're going to do awesome.


Okay, making a mental note to stay away from the powdered donettes (although: those sound good; I am kind of craving them now) because my husband was 9 pounds, 14 ounces at birth and who was delivered by c-section because his head was so big. And when I was born the nurses were amazed that my mom had pushed me out - because my head was so big. I am terrified that I'm going to have to give birth to a monster child with a head the size of a pumpkin. Eeeek.

On another note, if you buy HoHos at the grocery store they are way cheaper per Ho than if they come from a vending machine. So you can feel virtuous about that - frugal junk food purchasing!


*small voice*




I LOVE mini powdered donuts. They didn't make my son big, but they sure help out with any extra weight that I carry.

Laura B.

Yay, Amy! Your first ClubMom post is great. I'm not a mom, not pregnant, not even trying, but I have already bookmarked your ClubMom blog. Congratulations!


Great first post, Amalah.


The Ho-Hos are for me. Mine!

I'm pregnant and trying to nourish my second 10 pounder too! Here's to us gals who know how to make plump, squishy, delicious babies! And here's to the powdered donuts too!

I think only special mommas make big babies. It's the best way to make em! AND-- the more the baby weighs, the less we have to lose once they are out!


POOP LIVES! The may be no cursing, but at least poop reigns supreme on the ClubMom blog. I have also bookmarked the site although I have no children or plans for children anytime soon. Interesting that you and Noahlah both like keys so much....


Fantastic. Those raspberry-topped shortbread cookies and your first post.


more ho-hos. or just more plain ol' HOs.

oh wait, we have plenty of those. heh.


I lived off those powdered mini donuts in my work's vending machine while I was pregnant with the pea. Since we are currently only stocking the chocolate ones, I'm satisfying my craving for junk food with chicken mcnuggets. Yum.
Congrats on the first clubmom post!


Just liinked over to CM and LOVED IT. Proof that it is good? I'm not a mom.

Way to go Amy. Have fun with it :)


Just liinked over to CM and LOVED IT. Proof that it is good? I'm not a mom.

Way to go Amy. Have fun with it :)


Also? DIET COKE SPURTED OUT MY NOSE at the bus station line.


Where I work, Ring Dings cost $1.00. How sad is it that the cost of living in New York City extends to the vending machines in the office of a nonprofit corporation?



Amy, Please take this down just as soon as I post it because I am too stupid to figure out how to email you. It is probably something obvious like amy@amalah, but whatever.

Your new blog has a typo.

It says blogospere and not blogosphere:

"...and judging from the excitement I've sensed from across the blogospere..."

I thought it best to mention it. And, congratulations! Gulp. Back to lurking.


When I first saw Stephen Glass's name, I thought you meant GEORGE Glass, Jan Brady's groovy imaginary boyfriend. Because that would have made total sense.


Thank God that we don't have a vending machine in our office. I would not be able to suffer through everybody watching me scarf down Snicker's bars for lunch every day. I buy the crap at the store and shut the door to my office so I can pig out in peace!

P.S. - I am kind of confused about your new gig with the mommy blogs thing. Um, I'm not so bright though - it's me, not you! I am a mommy and I have a blog - is there anything I can do to help? Do I need to write anything specific, or is it just blogs in general you will be looking at?


I think you need ring dings for VIP stuff.


Really awesome first post! It's going to be a hit.

Amy H

Great News! Now I can count rasberry filling as a fruit and not worry about my child coming out the size of a toddler because she will be SMART! (just 9 more weeks to go and I will be able to actually take a deep breath again!....remember those days, Amy?)


Great first post, Amy. I hope you keep up with the humor and energy on Clubmom that you do on Amalah. I love your blog.

And you won't miss the vending machine for long. YOu can get all that crap food cheaper at Costco in the giant sized packages. YUM!


Amy - I can only HOPE that my first post comes across as riotously amusing. And not as the drivel that is rolling around in my head right now.

Rockin job girrl!

Erin O'Brien

One of the greatest joys in life is watching those funny little coil things rotate only to realease a bag of cheddar flavored snack mix, which drops to the bottom of the machine.

I retrieve it, inhale same within two minutes and bow before the gods of sodium, enriched wheat flour and partially hydrogenated oil.


Star Crunch. Star Crunch is my weakness.

mmmmmm Star Crunch.

Because I have more of a "chips and dip" tooth than a sweet tooth, there aren't many sweet things like that I crave.

Give me homemade Guacamole and fresh tortilla chips, then, THEN I'm in trouble.


Well done on the quaaludeblog. I think the strain of not using profanity would give me an ulcer.


MMMM. Pre-processed goodness. I have these fake raspberry danishes at work and good God are they good. And who only knows what is in them. Probably something cancer-causing. i made that comment the other day and my husband freaked and told me to stop eating them. Now of course I feel bad (since his father's cancer has spread), because that's me, the one who is always sticking my foot in my mouth :)


Since everyone knows that bus station benches aren't really very comfortable, perhaps you could take up a collection for a Coach ass pillow?

(I just checked out the 'other' blog, and while I felt a little like I was cheating on this one, I still totally read it and laughed.)


Well, thank goodness Frema pointed out the Stephen Glass vs. George Glass thing because I was sooo thinking of Jan Brady's invisible boyfriend. And think of the fool I'd have looked like with some comment referring to you being a non-existent blogger living in our minds and no one can see you. Whew!!


When I was pregnant, I lived off those powder donuts...oh okay, sometimes I added a little variety to the mix with the chocolate ones. But the coconut? NEVER!


What?!?!??!! Those Ho Hos are only .75? WTF!? Here in Tulsa, OK they are NINETY (.90) NINETY cents. I'm totally getting ripped off!


It's very comforting to know that someone with your figure has the same vending machine temptations that I have. I am a slave to those shortbread cookies. And the Grandma's homemade-style cookies? Good lord in heaven, those are delicious!


What are you wasting precious Noah money on a Ho Ho? What type of Mom are you? WE ALL KNOW CHOCODILES ARE THE REAL THING LADY!!! Seriously, its a twinkie covered in chocolate!! If that does not birth a child prodigy then I don't know what will! That reminds me I have 9 seconds to make dinner...........


I love the little side blurb about you on your Club Mom blog...and the fact that Noah happens to be the most delicious baby on the planet! So cool!


i'm hungry..


Hey...Incredimom is right! I just now noticed that about the prices...in my office building (here in College Station, Texas), those Ho Hos would be $1. At least. So apparently it is some sort of a trade-off with the real estate prices. :)


Great first post! I love the multiple little Amalah's floating on the banner.

I also can't tell you how much I'm enjoying all of the mileage you're getting from the troll of last week. So fun reading it!


OK your sarcasm just led me to spit all over my screen.
Not the first time!!!!
Good luck fake bloggetymumma.


Love the pic on your clubmom profile and don't you love that you can classify yourself as "work at home mom"?

So how does that clubmom roundup blog work? Is it only blogs on Clubmom that you mention aka roundup, or off clubmom?

I am confused, which is no surprise to most.


I snorted my coffee out of my nose on that one.

Congrats to you!!


Mmmm.... Ho-Ho's.

Gawd, I miss working at a real office because of things like that. I can't buy a box and keep them at home, because then I'd have to find someplace to hide them from prying eyes.



Donna P

A new Amy blog .... and

a new Snarkywood!

My life is complete.

Congrats, Amy!


I get teary too, but I can't get any Hostess goodness here in the UK, and oh how I miss them. Twinkies and Chocodiles and Suzy-Qs. It makes me so homesick!

And I think it's great you're starting a new Moms club where we can use naughty words and all - after all the pent up half talk I spew about here "No f-word way!" "I'll smack you on the back end if you don't stop!" I seriously need a place to say "fuck" every once in a while without feeling guilty.

I've added you to my blogroll, nice to meet you! Thanks BooksellerChick for the link.

The comments to this entry are closed.