Everything to Everyone

Urban Babies Have Lawyers

First, I wish someone had alerted me to this Mother's Day business earlier. It's like a whole other birthday! Or Christmas, without having to buy anything for somebody else, which is such a drag.


Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you know.

Jason said Noah tried to lick this one in the store, so he guessed that meant he liked it.

He has lovely penmanship for a seven-and-a-half-month old.

And looks aside, I can now prove that he is indeed my child by the red ink on his nose.


I've been there, baby. At least no one was trying to wipe it off with their own spit.

(This time, anyway. Mama was too busy eating donuts to clean you properly.)

The rest of my first Mother's Day weekend was chock full of examples of Really Fine Parenting, like the following:

1. I changed a very very VERY poopy diaper in the Smallest Restaurant Bathroom Ever, like it was seriously four square feet wide and I whacked Noah's head on the sink. Twice.

2. I spilled a hot latte on him in the middle of a crowded Starbucks.

Oh yes, I did.

This would probably be vaguely forgiveable if it had just been a result of me being a stupid dumbass klutz, but it happened while I was 1) shopping for Mother's Day gifts for MYSELF, 2) trying to condense my multiple purchases (for MYSELF) into one oversized Barney's bag, 2) too busy trying to convince Jason that pink Manolo Blahniks are not only a necessity, they are an INVESTMENT, to notice that I'd knocked my coffee off the table and onto Noah's lap, and 3) vaguely aware that after Incident #1, we were out shopping with no change of clothes for the baby, who was a) sleeping, b) not at all pleased by the sensation of a hot overpriced beverage all over his thighs, despite earlier repeated attempts to dunk them in a cappuccino and eat them like biscotti.

3. Finally, I realized that I should listen to people when they try to warn me about things. Like lowering the crib mattress, which I TOTALLY INTENDED TO DO, eventually, but I couldn't find the screwdriver and then I found the screwdriver, only to discover that I actually needed a hex key, but honestly, whatever, it's not like he can sit up in bed or pull himself to a stand yet, that's like, a good two months away from happening, right?



I am kind of the worst mother in the entire world, I think.



Happy Mother's Day!

Sarcastic Journalist

Happy late mother's day. You are just normal, but I'm sure you know that. I once got to call poison control twice in one week.


What I LOVE about being able to share stories about motherhood is that everybody has a horror story to tell. Even those women you think know it all and never screw up anything.

My grandma was amazing. She never knew how much better she made me feel when she told the stories about the things that happened to her babies that still made her cry when she was 82 years old. That's when I knew that bad stuff was going to happen, and it didn't make me a bad mother, it made me human. Just like most other people!

Last year on Mother's Day, my son fell and got a bloody lip. Twice.


Happy Mother's Day!


You're not even close to a bad mother!

Every baby has their tumbles and spills, that's why babies bounce!

We always kept a second diaper bag in the trunk of the car with the basics, more wipes, diapers and a change of clothes because lack of planning runs in my family :)


A breakfast of champions! I suppose if I was really honest with myself, I would admit that my ideal breakfast isn't eggs and bacon and toast like I pretend it is. Its chocolate cake and a Coke. You're in good company.


the crib thing - it just kind of sneaks up on you... find the hex key :-)


Isnt it frightening how unbeliveably fast they grow up and learn to do things like that! My boy has just discover door hinges! Fun! Oh the pinched fingers to come.


Happy Mother's Day! I love this post, because dude, it happens to EVERY MOTHER I'm sure, but they all pretend it doesn't while they smile veryvery wide and talk in pretty, high-pitched voices.

Seriously, no one tells you this kind of shit in real life, and honestly, it makes me a little less afraid of being a mom. Because I can barely make it through a room without whacking MYSELF on a random sink, much less another person I'm carrying. Ask my dog.


Well, it sounds like you had a great weekend in spite of everything. And for the mattress? I usually waited until my kids toppled out a time or two before lowering it. For safety's sake, you may wish to pad the floor in front of his bed with extra blankets and/or pillows because then he will have a soft landing if he chooses to take a flying leap.

Also, cappuccino dunked biscotti thighs -- YUM!!!


Awww, Amalah.

Happy Mother's Day + one day.


Mmmmmm...baby biscotti. Too bad they have so many calories, or I'd eat them with every meal!


I'll fight you for the worst mother award. This weekend I knocked my toddler over so that she hit her head on the sharp kitchen cabinet corner. She was trying to hug my legs, and I didn't see her coming until it was too late.

Vaguely Urban

I love the Everywoman/High Society juxtaposition of the milanos and the K-Kremes. Delish!

Happy Mothers' Day!


With those uber-long legs of his, are you sure lowering the mattress is even going to help at all? I mean, fer real.


I totally had Krispy Kreme for breakfast yesterday. And lunch. And dinner. And right now too.


Happy Mother's Day and I hope Noah is okay from the spill...but most importantly I'm gonna need to see those pink Manolos because I? would almost kill for these...


I think I'm in love....


happy mother's day

It is not that you are the worst mother in the world, it is that your baby is a giant super genius.


Dude, I don't know if you put that crib together yourself, yo, but I am NOT looking forward to lowering the mattress after having put that effer together. Damn. I was hoping that was a myth. Arrghh..


Ah, yes, the lowering of the mattress ceremony. Which always occurs earlier for those parents of larger-than-average-size babies.

If it makes you feel any better, i spent Mother's Day holed up in the bedroom with an evil cold, which i proceeded to give to 2/3 of the rest of the family.

Exiled to Canada

I cut my son's finger once while trying to cut his nails...he was maybe 2 months old. It bled and bled and we called the Dr.'s office in a panic. They told us it happens all the time and just hold his finger up, put pressure on it, etc. They were so calm and I was a basket case. It still makes me tear up thinking about it. All Mothers go through it but no one tells you that. Oh and now he's 3 and just this morning he tried to stick his finger in a outlet....it never ends.


Happy Mother's Day, Amalah. Now please post a pic of the shoes. I mean, after you lower the mattress.


Happy Mother's Day! You are not the worst mother in the entire world. In fact you sound like just about every other good mother out there. Love the pictures!


I once took my eyes off my baby niece for ONE SECOND and she flipped herself off the couch and onto the floor, banging her head in the process. Now I have to buy her a car when she's 16.


Amy, I'm confused. Was your breakfast on the floor? Does your table MATCH the floor? Did you PhotoShop your doughnuts and cards into a picture of your floor? Did the ink come off his nose? And haven't Max and Ceiba EVER given you a gift on this most important of holidays? Bad husband. Bad BAD husband!
Happy Mother's Day. You totally deserve the shoes.


He is so young to be pulling to a stand already! Man, this dude is going to have a future in athletics! Sounds like he's a very quick learner. Go Noah, Go Noah!


It's a good thing none of us are perfect and we all have "those stories." I just choose not to publish mine online so I can keep up the illusion of perfecticity. And that is so totally a word.

And you might want to remove those crib bumpers. I've found they are good stepping stones for little people who like to try and escape their cages.


okay, how many people have attacked you because oh my god spilling coffee on the baby is going to bring the millitant moms out of the wordwork sooo fast.

are there photographs available of the shoes? i cannot comment on their potential worth in your life etcetera without images and i know you want my opinion on the matter.

happy first mother's day amy. belated. today is monday.


Don't feel bad, when my daughter was 2 months old she rolled off the couch onto the floor, and it knocked the wind out of her. We called 911 and the ambulance took her to the hospital. Luckly she was okay. Noah will forgive you after years of therapy. Don't worry. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!


this was my first mother's day as well and i have decided that it is totally the coolest holiday ever! no fighting over who's going to get up early with the baby, no having to cook breakfast, even text messages from friends of mine who don't even bother to say happy birthday or merry christmas.

i think i'm going to make mother's day a once a month holiday in this house. :)


My "Call child services" radar is not even picking you up right now. I guess if you had left Noah at Starbucks drinking coffee while you went to purchase some Manolo's that would be a different story. They are nice shoes though...

Happy first Mothers day!


Okay, that was all very funny, and precious, and Happy Mother's Day and stuff! But! Why is it that everytime I see that ad on the side of your page out of the corner of my eye I think it says "Slut Baby Shoes"?? This hasn't happened once of twice or even three times... Every bloody time I have to do a double take and then go, oh, right CUTE, not SLUT...

*Sigh* Maybe I really do need to start wearing those glasses to read.


Mmm... milanos, donuts and baby biscotti thighs....


Oh man, lowering the crib! We only realized it even lowered AFTER the child fell out (in the middle of the night, which meant the THUMP was a squillion times louder than normal.) You are a better mom than I for even noticing!

My husband is pretty good with Mother's Day. I even got a card from "Your Little Zygote" while I was pregnant. This year, I also got a card from the puppy, complete with a little muddy paw print. Best Mother's Day ever!


If it makes you feel any better, my son nearly drowned himself in a nature exhibit at a local park on Saturday 'cause Mom & Dad were busy talking with our friend.

He got over the dunking pretty fast, but now I know I need to keep a spare outfit with us at all times. Even if we do seem to be beyond the explosive poop phase, it appears we are now entering the "wow, water's not just for bathtime anymore" phase.

Happy belated Mother's Day!


Happy first Mother's Day to you! Even though I am late. Sorry.

Big Gay Sam

Nah you're not a bad mother. You just had a bad day. You do however, have a trump card. No matter how bad things get, at least you didn't leave Noah in the car like your husband did. :p



I can't wait until Father's Day!

RockStar Mommy

If you're husband said yes to the Manolo Blahniks, I don't think I can ever come here again. Otherwise, I might KILL my husband.

RockStar Mommy

PS - Happy Belated Mothers Day to a very kickass mom :)

Wicked Stepmom


Crap. The Mouse is 6 months old today and I was, ironically, coming to the realization that the time to the lower the mattress was fast approaching. Thanks for the heads up!


I once had to take my daughter to the ER not once but 2x in the span of 24 hours - one trip requiring 3 stitches in the lip after running head first into the hard headed dog and then for falling off the brand new scooter and breaking her arm in 2 places. For a month I held my breath everytime the door bell rang thinking it would be Family Services.

Happy Mother's Day and please, please share some of the goodness of baby biscotti - it sounds delicious!~


No permanent harm done, right? Then all is good. He is adorable as usual.

Oh, and are you going to share a pic of your new shoes?


1) Girl, was that you or Britney Spears writing that post? :) Just kidding.

2) One of the perks of being a working mom is not having to ask the hubby for permission to buy Manolos. This was my gift to myself this year:


Of course I let him sign the card.


Please ignore trying to turn off italics.


The other day, while baby girl (on the brink of turning 2) was napping, I thought I heard her.

What? I thought. It's way too early for her to be up. It can't be her.

But the strange noises from upstairs continued, so I went to investigate.

When I got up the stairs, it CLEARLY was her crying, distress. I opened the door to find her standing at the crib rail with one leg hooked over the top - she was trying to make an ESCAPE!

I wanted to go run for the camera, but my better sense got ahold of me and I rescued her (after only a moment's hesitation).

We might, however, agree to do a dramatic reenactment just to get the kodak moment captured. Ha!

The other thing I wanted to say?

Ummmmmmmmmm, doughnuts!


I can't believe he's doing all that at only 7.5 months! My 9-month old has absolutely no interest in standing.... But we lowered the crib mattress anyway--because she was doing this arching motion with her back, and it looked like she was going to arch right out of there!

Heather B.

You and my mother would love each other. She refers to every pricey piece as an "investment". Coach bags? Investment. Expensive shoes? Investment. The reason that I have more jewelery than I know what to do with? It was all an investment.

Oh, and I almost ate one of your Krispy Kremes.


This very morning in the shower, I occurred to me that possibly, just maybe and PERHAPS, that my own kid could be pulling himself up as I was lathering my head into a frothy glory.

Thank you - I will be lowering my own crib today.

Hey - if you didn't feel the need to buy Manolos and overpriced coffee, you could stay home with your precious progeny! Wait. I guess you ARE doing that.


Oh people, I didn't buy the Manolos. If I had actually bought the Manolos, I would have crashed Flickr with all uploading of photos I would have done. Of the Manolos.

Pink! Manolos! With peekaboo toes! Whhhyyyyy did I quit my job? Whhhyyyyyy????


I believe the shoes whores need a link to the aforementioned Manolos because PINK! PEEKABOO! I swear to god I am drooling on my keyboard right now.


eh. Doesn't sound that bad. ;-)

Happy belated Mother's Day!


More pictures of doughnuts, please.


My middle kid had an emergency room-worthy accident (involving his head) every year for the first two years of his life. On the third year he was run over by my mother-in-law's driverless Mercedes. Bruised liver, torn hand tissue and other lacerations. Overnight stay in the children's hospital. We were very, very lucky and after a year of counseling because I felt I could not prevent my own child from near death, I was able to forgive my MIL for not using the emergency brake on her car when she parked in our driveway.

I think you can forgive yourself for not having lowered the crib mattress yet. You're a good mother.


Now, how are you going to outdo what Jason just did, when Father's Day rolls around? ( 32 days to think about this one)...

Just throwin' that out there.


My daughter, now 9, but then at 2 months, little preemie that she was ended up rolling off our bed....uh...somehow...I was getting her into a summery outfit, which of course didn't fit since she was small and leaned to get her socks from the bedside table, mattress sunk, baby rolled. I managed to grab her by the strap of the outfit and the button broke off, sigh, so she hit the floor anyhow. On her head. On her itty bitty little preemie head! She's ok. I am a bad bad mother. ;)


my first thought was "those are krispy kremes!'
despite all the "incidents" congratulations! it sounds like you enjoyed your first Mother's Day!


I got the same exact card from Anna Sofia! I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. I mean, hello, they probably sold about a gazillion of them.

Happy Belated Mother's Day! I explained it to Elle exactly as you described it "it's like a birthday, for Mommies!"



Hey, I didn't lower the mattress until the day after I found my son asleep on the floor in front of the door in his room.


Dear Amy,

Noah OBVIOUSLY is a genius and I request that he be placed in my Grade 1/2 class immediately.

Love, Aly.

P.S. There are no Starbucks around me for miles, never fear.


Happy first mother's day Amy! I hope it was wonderful.

Y from the internet

Hey, at least you don't let your kid out of sight long enough for him to get dog food or anything like that.


Her Bad Mother

Worst mother in the world? Nope, not even close.

I don't go by the moniker 'Bad Mother' for no good reason, you know.


There's no such thing as the perfect mom... those who seem perfect are just hidding something!
I was is a bookstore once, using the canopy of the stroller as a shopping cart, when ALL the books crashed onto my 7 month old daughter. There were a lot of books. I rushed to pull her out and the stroller fell back (because of all the shopping bags that were attached to it...) Everyone in the store rushed to pick up the stroller and to try to get me to hold it up... like that was my priority! I felt like the worst mom ever that day!


oh NO.

it can get worse.



Just wait! Soon he will swing those munchable legs over the sides and hop out of the crib!


Happy Mother's Day! And Manolos are an investment (either that or I am broke).


I also spilled a latte on one of my sons (not saying which! because he might find this in later years and hold it against me!). But MY mistake was drinking the latte with the baby in the Bjorn carrier--which, you know, put his little baby head RIGHT IN THE PATH of the latte.

Happy Mother's Day! You've got some good looking donuts there!


Happy Mom's Day! I have to tell you, when I was five, my sister spilled boiling hot coffee down the side of my head (oh, yes, she did), and while it hurt (oh, yes, it did), I TOTALLY have forgotten the pain but have a totally cool scar to show for it which has made for many an interesting introduction. So see? Sometimes accidents with burning hot liquids have happy endings.

My sister, however, still periodically has nightmares about it and wakes up screaming. Wait, forget that part.

Next time I see you I'll show you my scar.


Glad you had a Happy Mother's Day! And be forewarned, the walking may not be far behind! BOTH of my kids were walking between 10 and 11 months old...which was entirely too soon for me when the youngest started doing it. LOL


Happiest of Mother's Days to you!

Dr. Johnny Fever

Of course he's crying in the fourth photo. Someone's applying the Vulcan Death Grip to his neck.


Hell no, you're not. Happy Mother's Day to a fabulous mother!!


it looks like your mother's day was complete...you gave yourself the gift of guilt!!!!
it's alll good, the guilt keeps us honest! ;-)

Lisa B

OH well... Its just more dirt for him to dish about in therapy. heehee. Just kidding.

I've given my child plenty of stuff to talk to his future therapist about!


I read all the way through these comments expecting to find one that read "OMG YRU buying Starbucks u don't even hav a job u shud be saving ur money for to spend on ur BABY!"

I was so glad that there weren't any comments like that.Happy belated Mother's Day! Your breakfast looks gooood.


Haha, Milanos and Manolos. Happy Mother's Day... isn't it amazing to be on the receiving end?!


Oh yeah...Mother of the Year. Send me the donuts and milanos and I won't report you.

I'm serious.

kerri anne

I love how whenever men try to draw hearts they always come out looking more like lop-sided butts. : )

Happy belated momma's day to you!

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