Further Correspondence, Perhaps Actual this Time

Catching Up On My Correspondence


Dear Project Fang, the Sequel:

You, sir, are an ASSHOLE.

So here I am, all happy and joyful that Project Fang, the Original, was through the gums of my preshus baby la la laaaaaa, when I notice that lo, THERE IS ANOTHER TOOTH. TWO TOP TEETH, coming in within MINUTES of each other, both causing ire and misery and woe.

Besides the fact that you are refusing to cut all the way through, just to drag out the drama, your appearance now means that I am a mother to a child with two front teeth. Two! Like a grown-up human person! THE FUCKING TEETH HAVE EATEN MY BABY.

Hate. That is all.


P.S. Tell your neighbor, that damned lateral incisor, that I see him skulking around under Noah's gums and I am just not going to stand for it.


Dear Household Swear Mug,


*shakes fist*

<redacted> off,


Dear Broken Coffee Maker,

I hate you. I hate you so very, very much.

Undercaffeinatedly yours,



Dear Diet Dr. Pepper,


Love forever and ever, until you give me cancer or something,




Dear Noah,

Dancing? You dance now? Who taught you to dance?

We bought you one of those activity tables for you to stand up at (you only want to stand up now, by the way, but I will tell you this: you will spend most of your adult life looking for a nice place to sit down, particularly in malls), and you quickly fell in love with this little spinny thing that plays an assortment of songs. Because you learned that if you spin it, Mama will sing like an idiot for you.

I know about five of the songs, and then there are four that I don't know, and I make up nonsense lyrics for these. Like this:  "I don't know this song at all and yet I sing aloooong. I really have no effing clue so let's go hit the boooong."

(Pls. reference above letter to swear jar. I am trying, but you try accompanying a plastic frog with a banjo for eight hours a day.)

Anyway. You started doing this thing where you'd spin the spinny thing and then immediately look at me, waiting for me to sing. And then you started...swaying to the music when I sang.

And now you dance! You sway and shake and even headbang a litle bit. I put on our Sesame Beginnings DVD and sing like a crazy fool for you and we stand and hold hands and you shake your diapered tailfeathers. Whenever you hear something new you sit there with this awesome, enraptured look on your face, just like you did the first time I fed you vanilla yogurt. You love Dan Zanes, Nicolette Larson, Jack Johnson and the Beach Boys.

Johnny Cash makes your head explode, you rock out that hard.

I've never liked singing. And your Daddy has never liked dancing. But now that's all we do for you. And there's always music playing in our house. Always. For you. And we love it.


P.S. If you need me, I will be over at the Swear Mug, unloading a roll of nickels.




Cute cute cute pic!!


I might have been FIRST if the stupid remember me button would REMEMBER ME, damn it! Oops-- a quarter to the swear jar (I have one too).

Noah is adorable as always and I'm so sorry about the teefers! At least he is getting those two buggers out of the way all at once instead of dragging it out! My tot cut all 4 front at the same time! Yeesh- I have the ulcer and gray hairs to prove it, Amy!


I love the dancing!!! We have the same table, and I sing like an idiot to my daughter too. Wait for the molars to come in, you'll probably be able to live off the swearing jar contents for a month.


Please contribute $0.50 to the swear jar for what I said when I read that Noah was dancing. Or is it more for the "F" word?


If I had started a swear jar when the kids were babies, I'd probably have my Visa card paid off by now. No lie.


the dancing is amazing, i love to watch eamon dance. enjoy it as i am sure that by the time they are ten they will be too embarrased to dance!


"Diapered tailfeathers" made me laugh so hard. And now you have me craving Diet Dr Pepper. That's the good stuff, isn't it?

As for teething...our first kid got his teeth all in by the age of 1. He started at three months. He'd pop a whole set of canines, incisors, bicuspids, all at the same time. Hylands' teething tablets were our bestest friends, and they worked, OMG how they worked for naps and bedtime. And i didn't feel like i was drugging the kid, since they're homeopathic! Natural! Whee! Bring on the extracts!

When i had my second, and he had no teeth by the time he was four months, I asked the pediatrician if there was a problem, that he was behind. The ped looked at me like i was insane and said, "Noooo....most babies don't get teeth till they're five months, at least."



Delurking to say love your blog! Noah is such a cutie!
I am dreading the teeth, even though I know they're coming soon.
I, too, make a complete ass of myself to make my 4-month-old smile or giggle. (Oops, *plunk* in the jar - never realized how much I swear until I had my son!)


I love the dancing!

Also? I was extremely pissed at my coworker, until I came here, and read about Noah. Thank You for saving me from strangling someone today.


hey, man, whatever way you save for college is aces in my book. i gotta start one of those mugs.


Most. Adorable. Turtle. EVAH.


Dear sweet Jesus, THE TEETH. NikkiZ's top two are coming through at the same time too - one is just a wee faster but they are making her SO FUCKING EVIL that I may have handed her to her brother at one point yesterday and said "You wanted her so bad - TAKE HER."

But I may not have done that either. You'll never know.


Patchie: We LOVE the Hyland's tablets. Best thing ever.

Nothing's better than a little deadly nightshade right before bedtime.


Oh goody! Teeth! Now Noah can sit at the table with you guys and eat hot dogs!


Diet Dr. Pepper eh? Been meaning to try that for a while. Will give it a go due to your endorsement.

...and the dancing brings back so many memories! My little Zeenee (now 14) hanging on to the electric keyboard, rocking out to some pre-recorded synthesizer jam. Thanks for that!


OK, I'm telling you now... just wait until the "eye" teeth try to come in. It's 1000x worse! Sorry!


Teeth! Won't be long before he'll eat whatever you've got, and you won't worry about him choking on it. Atleast try to think of it that way. We won't discuss molars right now.

Rock on Noah! Won't be long before you're driving mama crazy running from room to room while eating a sucker.


awww, this post makes me remember all the music my parents played when I was a child - and how when my mother wasn't home, my dad would let me dance on the coffee table. IN MY LITTLE COWBOY BOOTS.

Noah is my favorite tiny dancer.


Try dollars instead of nickels - we've found that's a little bit more of an incentive. (We buy Ella books with the money). Although I think my husband owes the cup about $20.


I'm impressed that it's only a swear MUG. In our house, we would need one of those giant jars that you can get pickles in.


About the Diet Dr. Pepper.

I am addicted to that shit.

Drink at least 3 or 4 a day.

Caffeine and chemical heaven.


He loves your singing now - but I warn you when he is 13 he will beg you to please just stop the (swear mug) singing.

Actually the begging might start at 4 if you're a really good singer like I am.


After you have that Diet Dr. Pepper, go have a Berries & Cream Diet Dr. Pepper. You know, for dessert. Oh. My. Gawd.


Delurking to say that Noah's eyes are a really cool color!

Diet Dr. Pepper is awesome, second only to Fresca, my personal nectar of the gods.


Gah! The dancing! I bought that same leapfrog table for my nephew and that is when he learned to dance too. So adorable. I have to add that the singing voice on said table is the best i have heard as far as obnixious baby toys that talk/sing go.
Love that child of yours, good luck with the teeth!


motherfucking swear mug.


C loves to dance. She used to just bop her head up and down, now she shakes her whole body. So cute!
(She even dances to the sound of the folding machine at work!)


Ah the teeth. We are at the same stage as Noah. E is 13 months old and just getting her top two and bottom four. We LOVE night-time Orajel. At all times of the day of course.


Eek! More teeth already? I think he is growing up way to fast (although I'm sure you already knew that and agree). I also think you may need a bigger swear mug. That one is looking mighty full. What happens to the money in there once you've collected enough?


the swear jar makes for a nice college fund...


I remember singing and dancing with my mom and little sister, and I'm sure my parents did it with me when I was little (my mom swears it turns out smarter kids). Some of the best times when I was little. We still do a little kitchen quartet when we're all home together. Oh, and my mom's a retired opera singer so that would make it really interesting when she'd break out with the "Queen of the Night" aria and my baby sis would try to sing along. Like someone was strangling a cat backstage at the Met.


ps: you clearly have yet to try diet mountain dew code red (aka: CHERRY CRACK).


What did Noah think of REM's Shiny, Happy Monsters?

Little Dude's version of dancing was bopping up and down bending his baby knees. It's still as cute at 6 as it was at 1


My two-year old niece dances up a storm everywhere she goes- clapping, stomping, all of it. Then we get to her first dance recital the other night and watch her stand still as a stone for the full 5 minute performance.

And the bong lyrics? Priceless.

Vaguely Urban

What with the front teeth and the dancing, Noah's got all that he needs to work up a nice White Man's Overbite. :)


And don't forget to add Jimmy Buffet into that repertoire. There is nothing funnier than a wee one singing "Cheezbugger in Pawadise".

Except maybe "Why don't we get drunk and screw."


I'd need a fucking swear SHED.


I think the boy is cutting the top 2 monsters as well. he has been super cranky today and woke up in the middle of the night last night - not gis usual nighttime behavior. So cranky baby and cranky mommy over here. Fun.


Ha! We have that same table and Max loves that rolling thing that plays the songs, too.

Check out Mary Had a Little Amp, it's pretty bitchin':


We have one of those activity tables and IT ROCKS. Until the day one of the dogs bumped into it at like 3 a.m. and it scared the shit out of everyone.


Ugh. Not swearing is one of the things I fear most.

I, too, would need a separate housing structure to host my swear penance.


I'd start a swear jar, but then I'd never have any money.

Wacky Mommy

Sly and the Family Stone -- greatest hits. Yes, yes, yes. "Get up! and dance to the music!" ps cute baby.


He looks a little nervous about his incoming teeth!


For the first 12 teeth, my daughter got 4 at a time. After the first two times, she started to get used to it and really it's good to get it over with instead of having it drag on. At least that's what I tell myself; almost every time, she got an ear infection which is just fun! And she's still grooving on the teething tablets, as she's getting the last of her 2nd molars. Awesome picture, by the way.

Heather B.

No comment on the swear mug. It's just unfortunate.

Thankfully though, I'm obsessed with At Folsom Prison and know all the words to Bubbletoes.


Looks like you may need a bigger swear jar.


Have you tried Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper?

Because you should.

That is all.

(the berry one is also very yummy)

Motherhood Uncensored

We have a swear jar. It's paying for our vacation home this year.

Pathetic. We had good itentions. Now we're just trying to fill it up so we can have extra spending money.


When my son was a baby is used to sing to him. If we were in the car and he was fussing, singing would settle him down, not to mention reciting "Hand Hand Fingers Thumb" since that was the only book he liked.

When my daughter was born (her name is Carley, but my husband felt Cryley was much more appropriate) I realized just how poor a singer I am. Her screams would turn into wails after just 3 words of "You are my Sunshine". Apparently my singing sucks so bad that she preferred to have my then 2-year old sing the same song to her rather than listen to me.


Dan Zanes rocks!! Amalah, he has a brand new Cd out too if you haven't picked it up yet! it wrong to have some Dan Zane CDs but no wee ones?


Doh! Just noticed the new Dan Zanes CD on the sidebar so you must have it. enjoy!


You took the purple door flap off? That is the perfect cheerio holder. Duh!


A swear jar would buy me a new car in 6 months. I've cut way back, but I can't stop completely, no way no how. I just remind the kids that those words can only be used by adults. Little A told my mom while they were playing a rhyming game last week "if you put a B in front of itch, it's a dirty word, and I can never say that."

Noah just keeps getting cuter. I didn't think it was possible, but every time I see him he's more precious. I remember mine bouncing along to music and shaking the booty like it was yesterday. Brings a huge smile to my face on an absolutely shitty day. Thanks, Amy.


What I want to know is how you got him to be still long enough to get the teeth picture. Or maybe he was asleep?


Honeybunches, please be prepared that noah will be teething for the good part of the next 12 months. He will be Mister Crankypants on and off a lot. My 9 month old cut SIX teeth already, and many weeks were hellish, to be kind. It's hard.

Btw I always assumed you were jewish because of your 'yiddish' nickname, 'amalah.
I had a real shock when you said you were catholic!

- Mindy

Y from the internet

I was going to give you some teething advice, and then I remembered that YOU INVENTED TEETHING.

What you wrote about music? Made me cry a little. So precious.

May I write a letter now?

Dear Amalah,

Stop making me cry or I'm going to beat you with my BEEFLOG.




by the way, baby motrin always helped when my baby was beside himself.

Lisa B

We LOVED that little activity table (the kind Noah is using in the first pic.) Kept our little guy very busy which was awesome!

Stephanie A.

My son Hugo is digging that activity table and the spinny thing. Oh and Dan Zanes. And the rocking out. He now rocks out on command and we're so proud.


Oh yes! Diet Dr. Pepper is yummmmmy! The flavored Diet Dr. Pepper's are good, too! (Berries and cream etc.)


We too own the home of the banjo-playing frog. Best $29.99 we ever spent. My little guy will bounce up and down every time he hears redneck frog start up! Oh, and he also likes Pearl Jam.


Noah ripped the purple door flap off and we have no idea where it is. If the dog starts shitting purple plastic we are well and truly fucked.

(clink, clink)

Oh, and since there seems to be some confusion stemming from the ClubMom blog -- the comment everyone is attributing to me was actually left by Arwen not me.

I am NOT PREGNANT. I am also not Catholic. But mostly? NOT PREGNANT.



Dancing baby booty - has made my day!

You know, Noah will only need to find a place to sit in the mall if he's straight! (You never know!) Good luck with The Fangs - perhaps a little vodka to numb the pain? Um, for you, not him.


I emailed Amalah today and told her I had a dream she was pregnant. Sorry if I made you paranoid, but I really did have a dream she announced on her blog she was pregnant. I've had these dreams before and been right about it, so if in a few weeks, it comes out, I'm claiming first knowledge. After Jason and the family and real friends of course


Aww. The early dancing: I remember that. It's so awesome. There's nothing like it.


Currently? Noah is rocking out to William Shatner's Has Been. Oh my god.

(Jodi, your email was one of MANY today, but was just a coincidence, as a lot of people where coming from the comments ClubMom to congratulate me.)

(Unless y'all know something I don't.)

(Oh crap.)


You're ALL woman to not mind drinking ANYTHING with the word "diet" attached. Yuchgghgh! Ewwwwwww! Yughhck! It's an acquired taste. My thighs want me to acquire the taste methinks!


I, too, was surprised to read that you're Catholic, since you wrote a post about a week ago about your evangelical upbringing. But then I remembered that - D'oh! - I was actually the one who left that comment, and it all made sense.

Maybe you should let the pregnancy rumors escalate for a while. A phantom pregnancy could have its benefits - all of the good wishes, none of the nausea. Let it go on long enough and maybe you could even get some presents out of it!


I see the plastic still rules your house.

Mine too.

Mrs. CPA

Um, I swear I wasn't copying you:

After I posted, I was going down my list of blogs and, "OOHH this looks like a new Amalah post la, la, la, la, la. It has the same name as mine! Crap."

I saw a rerun of Friends not too long ago and Rachel says it to Ross.


This kid needs the Veggie Tales Silly Songs DVD. There are such classics as 'The Yodeling Veterinarian From the Alps', 'Where is my Hairbrush?' and 'Barbara Manatee'.

The grown-ups and teenagers in this house have been known to watch this DVD when there wasn't even a small one in the room.

It is Hee-larious.

Also, how in hell did you get a picture of his gums? I could barely get a good look when my kids were teething. I always found out they had a new tooth when they smiled. Then I'd think 'Ohhh, that's why the child has been making me crazy lately.'

Real Girl

Oh man, there's nothing cuter than baby dancing! Hmmm...What do you think of You Tubeing it for us?


The diet Dr. Pepper is our office crack.

YT Ophelia

I love dancing babies!

If I had a swear jar at my job, I'd be rich! People who have jobs that keep them covered in filth all day swear a lot. Ah, grease. And oil.

I'm getting all my swearing out now, so I will have (presumably) gotten it all out of my system when my baby girl arrives. Pppfff. Yeah.


Hahaha! I laughed my head off reading this. And, I'm in the worst mood this evening. So, thank you!


Aww I can totally picture Noah grooving to the music. That's wonderful. :-) Now that you've learned Flickr, you should do some YouTube too. But no pressure y'know.


Speaking of swearing and trying not to...
Few yrs back I was carrying my toddler and a box of coins to cash in at a bank I dropped the box. Yelled "FUCK!" because I was hormonally pregnant and well you don't wanna drop a big box of coin. So smarty pants kiddo yells it back thinking this was really funny. Nice. Curbed the swearing real quick :D

Oh and the evil teeth? We are so with you on that one. my 11 mo old just sprouted four. F O U R within the last 2 weeks. Starting w/ an eye tooth on top and working the other direction across the front. WTF is THAT?

Noah is as adorable as always. Love the dancing!

Dr. Johnny Fever

When I read the words "You, sir, are an ASSHOLE," I spontaneously decided that you are my soulmate, Amalah. You complete me.

Sarcastic Journalist

Swear mugs are a crock o' shit.


Ohh I love the dancing baby! :)


mmm, diet Dr. Pepper. In college, once I was on appliance probation and therefore not taking a chance on having a coffee maker in clear view in the dorm room, I used to start my morning with a Diet DP.

I echo the recommendation for Veggie Tales. We have the Silly Songs with Larry CD in the car and it's a big hit. Also among our top 10 list are Laurie Berkner (Victor Vito and Buzz Buzz) and Sandra Boynton (I prefer Philadelphia Chickens to Rhinoceros Tap, although the latter has the "I Love you More Than Cheese" song). And my 5-year old likes to listen to my 80's compilation CDs so he can hear "Walk the Dinosaur."


I too think you should YouTube Noah's dancing. Because you *know* the internet will not shut the hell up about it until you do. Think Bart and Lisa Simpson:

"Can we see him dance yet? Can we see him dance yet? Can we see him dance yet? Can we see him dance yet?"

Also, if I had a swear jar it would bankrupt me. Especially if I also had one in the car. But I figure that's *totally* my domain and I inform anyone who gets in my car that the air in there is blue FOR A REASON and if they don't like it they're welcome to walk. Heh.

Also, I am very bored today and just re-read a Snarkywood archived post where you commented that clams were eating Britney's face. It made me howl with laughter again and I just wanted to thank you for it. I may even have emailed y'all the first time I read it, because it was so damn funny.

(goes to hide in a geeky corner somewhere)


1. We have that table too, and our son LOVED it until he started walking, then he kind of forgot about it.
2. We, too, have a dancer. He loves him some Nelly, Kanye West, and Chili Peppers, and he has been known to do some head-bangin' to AC/DC in the car.
3. Right there with ya on the teething. It's like the badass ear infection that never ends. (but of course, we have those, too! Thanks, daycare!)
4. Swear jar? I need to start one of those. Seriously. My son has discovered kitchen cabinets (not babyproofed) and the joys of eating dog food (gak), and the swear words are flying hard & fast around here.


Oooooooo... gotta get me some of those tablets. I am in genuine fear that my 8 month old (we'll call her "Monkey" for good ole' internet anonymity) is ADDICTED to baby Tylenol. Seriously... we give it to her EVERY SINGLE NITE before she goes to bed JUST IN CASE she might have a little teething pain, even tho we haven't seen any teething evidence for months.

Now when we are getting her ready for bed and we get out the little Tylenol bottle and shake it, she pants like a crack addict and kicks her feet and opens her little mouth like a baby bird waitin for a worm! It's sort of pathetic in a really funny way... like she's jonesin' for the stuff!

This is why I call myself "Bad Evil Mommy."

Also, just so you know (I'm sure you NEVER hear this), Noah is terribly, horribly, irreversibly ADORABLE. And, thanks for being so normally abnormal so the rest of us don't feel quite so flawed!



Your kid dances? He must be a freaking genius!!


Swear mug,that's a great idea!


1. I love seeing Noah's little teeth and am sad that my Grant (only 2 weeks younger) is sadly chomping and waiting for tooth #1... yes, you're going to have 4 and I am waiting on one!

2. I L.O.V.E. that activity table. I noticed that you no longer have the little green door piece. Is this because your little precious pulled it off like mine did, or did you just get plain sick of hearing the little sing song "open" and "close" over and over and over and over and over? :-)


Oh that table! My son is obsessed with it. Lights ON! Lights OFF! Hello! Goodbuy! I can hear it all clearly in my head even now in my office.


My daughter is two and really loves any commercial with music- especially ones for Disneyland. This works out great when I want to lounge on the couch and watch TV without too much effort. ;)

She also really likes Jack Johnson ever since I took her to see Curious George. When we are in the car and one of his songs is playing she screams, "Monkey!"

Noah is very cute btw!!!


Huh. Swear Mug. I see one of those in my future...what do you get to do with the money?

Also? Jack Johnson? LOVE LOVE LOVE.


The day you teach Noah to sing "I shot a man in Reno...Just to watch him DIE" is the day my head will explode, at the cuteness.

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