Nobody Tells You
June 06, 2006
I lost my temper on Friday.
I yanked Noah's arm and yelled at him.
It took everything I had in me not to shake him. To grab his baby-thin shoulders and shake him until he started behaving like a reasonable fucking person. A person who wouldn't twist over on the diaper table and try to dive-bomb headfirst off the side. A person who wouldn't use my hair as a jungle gym. A person who would take a goddamned nap. And a person who kept his hands out of his own waste.
I didn't shake him. I put him in his crib and fled the room.
I was shaking like a leaf.
I tried counting to 10, but Noah was screaming. I went into the bathroom and turned the water on full blast. I could still hear him.
I ended up in my closet, upstairs. I counted to 50. I threw a pair of shoes at the wall.
And I've never felt so alienated and cut off in my entire life. I had no one to call -- at least not anyone who could actually show up within a reasonable amount of time to help me. And there was no one -- not my mother, not even Jason -- that I was willing to call and say what I was feeling out loud.
"Hello, I'm fighting an irresistable urge to backhand my 8-month-old child across the face. Could you please come stop me from doing that?"
No. That was NOT OKAY. That was BAD. That was ALERT SOCIAL SERVICES, YOU DON'T DESERVE A CHILD YOU FUCKING FAILURE BAD.
The thing is, it was totally normal. But how do you know that if nobody tells you?
So I'm telling you.
I lost my temper. It happens.
I went back into Noah's room and pulled him out of his crib. His eyes were damp as he reached out for me. I kissed him and said I was very sorry for yelling. He kicked me in the c-section scar. Jason called and said he was on his way home.
I laid down inside the play yard and amused Noah with some made-up songs (here we go 'round the big baby jail, banging with our tin cups, here we go 'round the big baby jail, OOPS, dropped the so-ap.) until Jason arrived. I climbed out and told him I needed 10 minutes upstairs.
He started to ask something. "10 minutes." I interrupted.
I went upstairs and was asleep within five.
Everything was better when I woke up.
It happens to the best of us. Good for you for getting the sleep. I stayed home with my son the first year of his life, and it was one of the hardest years of my life. Keep up the good work!
Thank you, Amy. For making me feel better for moments I've had like that. For putting dents in my wall with a hairbrush when my 2 month old baby WOULD.NOT.STOP.CRYING.
Thanks for being honest.
Bless ya, girl. You did it right.
Also, GREAT song! You should make a grown-up kiddie album. I bet it would be a big seller.
Anybody who tells you that it's NOT NORMAL is either lying, a complete fraud, or doesn't have a child. I experienced the same thing when mine was around the same age, and it sure makes you feel like shit. But we're only human and we do the best we can. Thank you for posting something so "taboo" yet honest.
I don't have a kid, but I do understand your feelings about temper and being so angry. Two yapping dogs can do that to you sometimes, although I'm sure it's not the same as a screaming, waste-throwing kid. :) And even though you couldn't call someone right away to help, I hope that being able to write your feelings down and explain things helped you.
Thanks for letting us know you're as human as the rest of us!
You're right. It does happen. To all of us.
It happens to us all and although it is normal, it still makes you feel weak, as if you can't handle it. I know, I've been there...way more than once!
Of course it's normal. It's so weird the things people don't speak of when the silence just makes the hard stuff harder.
I'm glad you shared that. Thanks. Here's to a better day today!
Oh I have done damage to a wall or two myself - I like to throw shoes as well as .... well anything I can grab that isn't baby. He is now 21 months and it is much easier... Now when he needs something he just doesn't scream like an uncontrollable mental patient he simply asks for it! Your honesty is refreshing...
*Good* job with the restraint. I'm sure you're infinitely more patient than even you realize.
And not to (at all!) discount what any mother goes through, because--oy!--I can only imagine, but stories like this make me marvel at what single mothers must go through, and I am scared to death of one day being a single mom. Scared, scared, scared.
But I'm already re-reading your archives for my friend's baby, who's arriving in late July, and who I will be babysitting often!
You wouldn't be human if something like that didn't happen once in awhile.
Hey, it's normal. Walking away is the best thing you could do, when you just can't take it anymore. Being a parent is hard. But somehow you survive, and discover things about yourself (both good & bad). It's all part of growing up. :)
What a real, honest post. Stories like this is what makes your blog so special. Thank you for sharing!
I think you did pretty well.
I used to got in the locked bathroom and scream until I was hoarse. I couldn't hear the baby crying if I was screaming and I felt a huge release afterwards. My daughter was colicky...I screamed a lot.
Thank you.
My cousin is the one who warned me that this is a normal reaction. I'm so glad that she did: as unlike the numerous "labor stories" everyone feels compelled to share, this is important stuff to share with moms just entering the game of parenting!
When my son was 6 months old my husband took a job as a contractor in Iraq for a year. This was after we lost our first son and I was diagnosed with severe depression. What you experienced is normal. I experienced the same thing with Connor. I cannot tell you how many times I wanted to kill my husband for leaving me and not even coming home to give me a break.
You are doing just fine. Remember that you are still adjusting to being at home 24/7.
Oh how we've all been there. I'm going to veer very close to assvice and say you might want to join some mama group. I joined austinmamas.com and just having someone to bitch to is wonderful.
You are a better person for having the guts to tell the big mean internet that you are REAL!! I'm a mother of three, and I don't have enough digits for the times I have been in your shoes.
I really think it's moments like that which help you appreciate and love your babies even more. Because when you go back to them, and they still love you, and need you, and hold out their sweet wee arms for YOU...there's no feeling better.
Big Hugs to you.
Yeah. I have a dent in my refrigerator door. My dent of shame.
Been there.
While I have not yet had this experience around my 3-month-old, I have totally kicked the crap out of suitcases/boxes/my car tires several times in my life when it was either that, or have an aneurysm. I figure, as long as it's inanimate objects you're damaging, you're not doing too bad. :-)
Thank you for posting that. Im 9 months pregnant and I am quite sure that my patience will be thoroughly tested when the baby arrives.
You are now a full fledged mom! Thats what I was told when I threatened to sell my daughter on ebay! My daughter was also about 8 months at the time, its a big turning point. They are very active, have developed a mind of their own and have no listening skills!
Theres a big difference between wanting to smack them than actually doing it. Hang in there.
Oh God! That sounded awful - my dent of shame was a result of my punching the refrigerator - not throwing my daughter into it, or whatever else that may have sounded like. (Although that's probably exactly the temptation I was avoiding.)
It's OK Amy. I have two teens now and I know exactly how you feel.
Dude, nice to know I'm not the only one. I scare the shit out of myself when I come close to losing it (like when she tries to PUNCTURE my freaking nipples with her teeth!) and it feels good to not be alone.
Thank you for your honesty! I have been there and done that and it is so hard!
That was brutal to read. I can't, can't, can't even imagine what it must have felt like to be in the middle of it.
You are incredibly brave Amy and you are a great mother.
Ohmygod, you are so normal. It's scary, but normal.
I'm putting up a post later today on how I'm TRYING to rediscover the concept of gentle disclipine...which has a whole lot less to do with the kids and a whole lot more to do with ME and my issues. Maybe it will be helpful? We'll see!
Before I had kids, I didn't understand how anyone could hurt a child. Now that I have kids, I TOTALLY get it: how easy it is to cross that line, how scary it is just to see that line in yourself. Truly, self-control is the most important lesson any of us can teach our children, because that is what separates thos that cross the line from those that will only look at it in horror.
Glad you got some sleep.
I read this with tears in my eyes....because I have sooooo been there. And it is scary. But OK too because you realized you needed a *Mommy Time Out* and put Noah in a safe place and walked away from the situation.
Now my kids are 4 and 8 and can sense when the patience is about to run out....and they run and hide. Smart kids.
Yes, being angry with a baby is a pretty twisted emotion - meaning, you know LOGICALLY that's not their fault, but you can't help being angry anyway. All while knowing back in your head that little being is the one you actually DO love more than most anything. When they aren't trying to throw their own feces, of course.
I have had to put my kid in his crib and walk away, too.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Fear of losing my patience and temper is a lot of what makes me not want children. NOBODY ever told me that feeling that way is normal.
Thank you for posting this. Mothers are
so loathe to talk about how FRUSTRATING
it is sometimes, how ANGRY we get, because
we do see it as something "shameful." We're
supposed to be always patient, always
loving, always smiling...
But we're human, not saints.
Good for you for realizing this is totally normal. Good for you for having the sense to stay calm enough to get away from the baby. Good for you for realizing he needs to be in his crib for a few minutes while you sit in the closet. Good for you for taking a nap and feeling better when you woke up! It happens and you handled it the right way.
First, you did the right thing.
Second, it happens to all mothers at one point or another.
Last, it's hard because to us they should know better. They don't. You can't reason with them yet. It's not logical to us that we can't reason with them.
totally normal and way harder on you than on noah.
Amen, sistah. Here's my meltdown if you want company:
http://annenahm.com/?p=101
Being a SAHM has a whole new set of crazy problems, not the least of which is that people (the SAHM included) think that you should have no problems because everybody's* dream is to stay at home with kids.
*participants dreams may vary. Mine sure the eff did.
Yep, been there. One night I found myself hissing profanities at my screaming three-month old. I was just SO FUCKING TIRED I could barely function, and nothing I did made her stop. You did the right thing. You are not alone.
Um, I JUST posted a big entry about me being pushed too far by my kids - ages 2.5 yrs and 4.5 yrs - and losing it, too. It's scary - for you and for them. But it happens - more than we'd like. It's life. You can't be around someone 24/7 - the way you are with Noah and the way most SAHM's are with their kids (like me!) and not lose it sometimes. That's a lot of "togetherness". Kids in general can be very, very frustrating. So yes, it's normal. You and Noah are achingly NORMAL, and that's a very good thing.
FIND A MOMMY GROUP. There are lots of moms like you, and they will help you only have to count to 40.
Raw. Honest.
I would have been afraid to call my mother also, not because she would have berated me, but because I want to be able to do this, to raise this child. My mother could handle it, so why can't I?
Except, I don't know how many times she called in reinforcements, how many times she cried, how many times she ran into closets and plugged her ears and tried to drain out the reality of my tiny baby voice SCCREEEEAAAMMMMMIIINNNNGGGG.
That said, it's good to know we're normal, even though it doesn't feel very normal at the time.
You *aren't* alone. And like everyone else said, you did right. No one tells us what we REALLY need to do when we lose our temper, and that we most definitely will. Posts like yours are important, to show other moms it's okay and that this is something we need to talk about.
And yeah, staying at home can make you feel very, very, very alone sometimes. *hugs*
I hated being there. It is amazing what such a little person can do to evoke such anger in a big person. After the suggestion someone made about a mom's group, I realized that was what probably most helped my sanity.
I was in a mom's bible study group (that had childcare!!) for about 4 years. All of the mom's were in my age range and most of them were stay at home moms. It was a great safety net because we were open and honest about the struggles we were facing. We spent a lot of time encouraging each other, listening and offering Kleenex if needed and offering suggestions about what we do in similar situations. And in my opinion, you did exactly the right thing.
And yes, that was probably assvice and I am sorry. But I wanted to share what helped me.
Thank you Amy, for reminding us all that parenting is not only rewarding, but FRUSTRATING AS HELL! I think the worst place I have been is throwing a bottle of Tylenol against the wall and having them scatter all over the livingroom - thankfully my little man is not yet crawling. And of course, I have one of those children that is an absolute ANGEL in public, so everyone always comments on his wonderful dispostion and how he's always oh-so-happy. THEY don't live with him and deal with the tantrums - like he's having AS I TYPE THIS.
I've been there too. Thankfully, my Mother had already warned me.
dont sweat it.. you are totally allowed to be angry sometimes. kids will be kids and getting on your nerves is what the do *best.* my 3 year old daughter, skylar, had a bad day yesterday... we werent in the car ONE damn minute after picking her up from daycare and i was already yelling at her. i reaaaally wanted to go drop her off somewhere and leave her for like a week. but anyway my point is, even though nobody told you, it happens. more and more as they get older. so just hang in there and do the best you can :)