Random Monday Recipedown!
Denouement

Nobody Tells You

I lost my temper on Friday.

I yanked Noah's arm and yelled at him.

It took everything I had in me not to shake him. To grab his baby-thin shoulders and shake him until he started behaving like a reasonable fucking person. A person who wouldn't twist over on the diaper table and try to dive-bomb headfirst off the side. A person who wouldn't use my hair as a jungle gym. A person who would take a goddamned nap. And a person who kept his hands out of his own waste.

I didn't shake him. I put him in his crib and fled the room.

I was shaking like a leaf.

I tried counting to 10, but Noah was screaming. I went into the bathroom and turned the water on full blast. I could still hear him.

I ended up in my closet, upstairs. I counted to 50. I threw a pair of shoes at the wall.

And I've never felt so alienated and cut off in my entire life. I had no one to call -- at least not anyone who could actually show up within a reasonable amount of time to help me.  And there was no one -- not my mother, not even Jason -- that I was willing to call and say what I was feeling out loud.

"Hello, I'm fighting an irresistable urge to backhand my 8-month-old child across the face. Could you please come stop me from doing that?"

No. That was NOT OKAY. That was BAD. That was ALERT SOCIAL SERVICES, YOU DON'T DESERVE A CHILD YOU FUCKING FAILURE BAD.

The thing is, it was totally normal. But how do you know that if nobody tells you?

So I'm telling you.

I lost my temper. It happens.

I went back into Noah's room and pulled him out of his crib. His eyes were damp as he reached out for me. I kissed him and said I was very sorry for yelling. He kicked me in the c-section scar. Jason called and said he was on his way home.

I laid down inside the play yard and amused Noah with some made-up songs (here we go 'round the big baby jail, banging with our tin cups, here we go 'round the big baby jail, OOPS, dropped the so-ap.) until Jason arrived. I climbed out and told him I needed 10 minutes upstairs.

He started to ask something. "10 minutes." I interrupted.

I went upstairs and was asleep within five.

Img_3810

Everything was better when I woke up.

Comments

Zoot

you're right. I dont want to share my own stories because I'm ashamed, but I'm glad you're saying what many need to hear. And I'm proud of you for asking for help when you needed it.

Contrary

Yesterday, I felt like warmed over crap (it ain't much better today) and my 3 year old wanted to sit in my lap and whine. A lot. At high volume.

I came SO close to screaming at him to shut the hell up and go away.

I didn't, but man, it was close.

I feel ya, is all I'm sayin'.

MandaCakes

That was a brave post. Thank you for sharing.

Terry

Everything you wrote -- I have done.

Multiple times.

Including loud weeping. And screaming into a pillow: "I hate you , why can't you just shut-up?"

Last Friday: Me, crawling around with a 101 temp & a stomach virus, listening to my youngest whine to watch a movie but not telling me which movie he wanted, so as I'm on the verge of passing out, I start whipping DVD's at him shreiking: "Just pick an effin' movie! Pick one! Mommy's about to pass out!" I whipped one right at his little hand & it started bleeding & than the hell really broke loose.

Yes, I felt bad. I knew I'd crossed my line.
But I also knew it in no way diminshed how much I love him or that I wasn't still a damn fine mother.

As you are.

Kim

It sounds like you handled it the best you could. All new moms have been there.

Like they say, it ain't all rainbows and butterflies.

Jessica

I am impressed with the way you reacted.
It's so hard to know when to say "I need a time out". It's hard to know when to just leave your baby in a safe place and walk away for a bit.
I think that that is why being a SAHM is the hardest thing. (not starting any debates here!) At least at work you can leave the room if someone is being a poopy head (plus, usually coworkers don't play with the contents of their diapers... most of the time at least!)
Long live husbands that you can count on!

Sarcastic Journalist

That's another part of "the club" they don't tell you about. It is okay, you're not horrible. It happens to the best of us.

Amy at Fannfare

I have read your posts with interest because you are my neighbor (I'm on Capitol Hill, where are you?) I have also had meltdowns with my daughter and had to walk away. I talk about it here (http://fannfare.com/?p=57), but some days I don't talk about it at all. You are brave to put it out there, smart to walk away, and vulnerable and sweet to go back and make it better. All ingredients for a great mom. Don't be so hard on yourself!

Perhap a stroll through Lincoln Park one day? My daughter can yell NO YOU STOP IT MOMMY if you get out of line! XO (another) Amy in DC

Leah

I didn't know it was normal either until my own mom--the world's most perfect, fun, and wonderful person to ever care for children--told me that she sometimes had to lock herself in the bathroom to keep herself from throwing my brother and me out the window. Apparently, it comes with the territory.

Elisette

Good grief, I never comment and here I am commenting twice! I suggested to find a mommy group before and someone commented, yeah, but these moments still happen. And I totally agree, but without my mom friends I'd be a raving lunatic.

And about the poster who said to think 20 years down the road? How is that even possible at those absolutely frustrated, exhausted to the point of tears, disappointed-in-self moments? You just can't. In your sane perfect moments you know it's all fleeting, but not at 2 AM.

Megan

Aw, Amalah. I wish I could give you a hug, or a bottle of wine, or some ice cream. Or all three? But you did right.

And forget Maman's assvice. When you're 'in the moment,' you sure as shit won't be thinking "gee, how will I think of this in 20 years?"

Sherry

Sounds like you came through it pretty unscathed. You did a bang up job, Momma. You handled it like an old pro.

Trance

SO been there. Sleep-deprived, exhausted, and just plain sick of the stubbornness... Happens to all of us. It makes you feel so strange, like how could you possibly be so angry with something so helpless? but you can, and it passes quickly, thank God.

allie

Oh Amy, thank you so much for being so honest. Ironically I read this post right after having a very similar meltdown with my 7 month old (lets just say I was covered in strained carrots). I walked away after putting him in the jumper and contemplating whether he would be better off without such as horrible mean mommy and then I saw your post. Thank you!
Allie

zorgon

I got that way with my 16-year-old yesterday, but I couldn't fit in the closet and throw my hiking boots because it's too messy. Good idea though. Glad to hear everything was all right when you woke up.

SprengBlingBling

How could you do that to your PRESHUS baby?

(Sorry, I couldn't resist because there are probably trolls saying that very thing in your email.)

Hang in there Amy. You are doing great. And thanks for the honesty. We've all been or will be there. And any moms say they haven't, they're either lying or drunk when they have the kids all day!

kathryn

Thank you for this post.

My son is 14 months, and also refuses to have his diaper changed, bucking like some sort of feral animal and putting his hands in his own foulness. It is maddening, and its hard to draw the line between restraining himself for his safety and just plain restraining him.

Its also hard after a particularly difficult day to hand him off to dad who can seemingly instantly draw out his smiles and angelic behavior. It makes you feel like you have somehow been targeted by your child as the parental punching bag.

It has taken me 14 months to discover this, but there are days where I dont like my son. I love him, but dont particularly enjoy his company. I comfort myself with the thought that there are days when he probably feels much the same about me. Eventually he'll be able to tell me.

Until then, there will be time out in the baby cage, er, I mean crib.

Emily

Thank you for this post.

All mom's go through this but we aren't so free to admit to it.

honestyrain

you have changed things for people by saying what you've said here. you have given your readers the courage to just be real moms and to let go of some of the shame for that. amy, this was a wonderful post.

htretn

My second post also---I would like to know how the heck you figured out this was normal, because when I was a first time mom with an 8 month old I felt like nothing I did was normal and that all those "crazy" emotions I was feeling were so out of line. No one ever told us when we were growing up how crazy-hard it would be (along with mind-blowing wonderfulness) and that it's normal to want to run away from home when your kids won't give you a break. Ever. Good for you. You came to that realization quite fast! I still have guilt over things I've said and done YEARS ago. I got into reading blogs several months ago, and they have been so wonderful for me! I have friends that have felt the same way, but reading that others "somewhere out in the world" are going through it, makes me feel so much better about it. (knowing it's alright and normal and eventually sometimes you can laugh at how ridiculous you feel at the way you felt once upon a time)

aboutface

Congratulations and welcome to real motherhood! Oh, and yay Jason for giving Amy a break when she really needed it.

Erin

It's totally normal, but also really scary. The time I did that (I don't even remember what set me off), I went into my room and cried for 20 minutes. It was such a horrible feeling. Before you have a baby, all everyone says is that you won't sleep. They don't tell you that there will also be times you won't particularly like being a mom, because who admits to that? Thank you for that.

Joyous Boys

I am the mom of two boys that were abused by their first mom - at the age of 5 months one son had a broken rib and cigarette burns, the other at 18 months had been whipped, burnt and and had the imprint of a belt buckle across his face that was there over a year.

And yet, my heart breaks for their first mom because any and all parents HAVE BEEN THERE, but for the grace of God, a supportive spouse, some good parenting of ourselves or maybe a great moms group it could have been any of us. She paid the ultimate price for having a "bad day". She lots her kids forever.

We ALL feel the same emotions. We all do. I remember screaming at my 4 week old to "JUST SHUT UP" at 3 in the morning after weeks of no sleep. And then crying for hours because I had ruined his life. Going to a moms group the next day and listening in shock as another mom cried that she had done the SAME thing. I felt so much better :)

Parenting is ALL about learning about parts of yourself you never knew you had. You feel the depths of love, the depths of rage, the depths of guilt. Everything in life is deeper. better. richer. harder. Everything.

You did good.

BentMom

Thank you for posting this! I'm going to be really honest here.. I didn't realize how normal this all is (the frustration..the HUMAN frustration) until I read your post and your comments. So I thank you and all of your readers for making me realize that I'm not going crazy. I have a 6 month old who not only had colic during months 0-3, but a sensitive little guy at that. LOL and he can really push my buttons. But, now I realize that once in a while, me walking away after putting him in his playyard or crib and getting a few minutes to blow off steam is a good thing, rather than being stupid and doing something I'd regret. Again, thank you for making me feel sane.

Audra

I can't even begin to imagine some of the comments that you will get from this and I am not about to read through the previous 130 above me. What I want to say is thank you for honestly portraying your emotions without shame. Sometimes it is the hardest thing in the world to put up with a screaming baby, but its harder even still to be able to share your feelings without having someone judge you. My best friends are the ones that will listen to me make irrational and totally baseless threats against my children knowing the whole time I would never actually do it, yet not pointing it out. That would interupt my healing.

jessica

thank you for being so honest and open. thank you.

amy

I'm all for letting others know it's normal to feel this way. I bet you're already feeling better, but here's my confession:

http://www.crazymokes.com/2006/02/04/it-has-been-a-really-crappy-day.html

-amy

ambrosia

somebody has mentioned this before, so i totally can't claim it as my own idea, but you should seriously pull some of your posts together into a book. not so much for all the extra money it will bring in for you, but more for those of us out in the world who really could have used you having your son before we did. i can't tell you how many times i've read one of your posts and thought 'wow, that was my day just yesterday' but so many of the other moms that i know act like this shit never happens to them, or maybe they just don't want to talk about it because it makes them look like a failure. i haven't talked to anybody about the rage that i feel towards my son sometimes, about the time that i put him in his crib and actually went outside for about 30 minutes to keep from harming either him or myself. i just assumed that i needed to be put on some meds -- but today i realized that there are a whole hell of a lot of women out there going through the same thing. i just wish you had made this post earlier so that i knew. thank you so much for being so honest about mommyhood.

amy

trying again - link that isn't cut off

that'll teach me to hit 'post' instead of 'preview' :)
-amy

Tiff

Just adding my voice to the chorus of people reminding you that the trolls in your email who are likely telling you that good mothers NEVER feel that way about their darling little angels are either LYING or taking lots of DRUGS.

I don't have kids, but I do have a mom (who was only 20 when I was born!) who told me about the day she had to leave me on the couch, screaming, so she could lock herself in the bathroom and sob. Because her baby girl wouldn't. stop. crying. And yet, I grew up happy and well-adjusted. So no worries.

HollowSquirrel

Wow does this happen to me, too. Not tooooo frequently, but I have to give myself a time-out every so often. The first time I felt TERRIBLE and GUILTY and AWFUL, and my husband was out of town for five days and this was only day three. And guess what? In two weeks, he leaves again for five days, but I've begged my mom to come visit and help me. Whew. I'm glad you're not beating yourself up (too much) over this. You did what you should have done-- put Noah in a safe place and let yourself have some time to breathe. You're only human, sweetie! I think you have a lot of friends in your area-- maybe you can call from the Anger Closet and vent to them if this happens again?! :)

Julie M

Well articulated. I have had the worst 48 hours with my almost 9 month old since he was born. He has become very uncooperative in teh diaper changing, sleeping, not whining areas. (I had no idea that an 8 month old woulod whine--I thought that was an older kid thing). I also don't have enough ready to help support. It's a tough, tough job, but people and their kids seem to make it through.
Julie
James 9.9.5

One of the Amy's

Big hug, Amy. Biiiiiiiiiiiiig hug.

Aly

I'm not a mom, but I know the frustration of it all. Some days after I get home from teaching, I just cry. It's damn hard work looking after a kid(s), DAMN hard.

You're doing a great job - you knew what to do, and you did it well. Don't fret, Amy.

-Aly

Pam

I agree that I wish someone would have told me about the times when I just hated my child. But then I wonder if I would have listened anyway?

Also, an attempt at looking on the bright side here: By walking away and taking a break, you're teaching your son that one appropriate way to deal with extreme anger is to walk away and cool off, rather than allowing your anger to take over.

And looking back on my own childhood, I wonder how many of those times an impromptu overnight visit at Grandma's were really desperate attempts by my mom to regain her sanity. I just thought they were exciting adventures!

Arwen

Well, I'm not a mom yet, but I know it is definitely totally normal. Bless you for being willing to write about it.

Susan

Because this is comment 135 (or something) I am writing without reading what everyone else has said. What I want to say is this: the thing that makes you a good parent is that you had the self-restraint to put Noah in the crib and walk away. And then you had the smarts to hand him over to Jason and take a break when the chance arose.

Being home ALL THE TIME with a baby (not rational! but so cute!) is incredibly hard. Really really fucking hard. And the hardest part is sometimes knowing when you need to STOP being the mommy and just be you, somewhere else, for ten minutes.

You did good, Amy. I'm ten years older than you and I'm a total stranger, but I've been there, and I'm proud of you. You are a great mother.

ali

clearly you don't need me to tell you that you're 100% normal...since about 150 other people already told you that...and i'm pretty sure you already knew it.

being a mom is so hard.
being a stay at home mom is even harder.
it's a frustrating and lonely and trying time.
sending you lots of hugs today.
sometimes all it takes is a little sleep...

Tasha

Wow, another amazing post! The world is proud of you becasue we all know that there are people who do not have that type of strength to walk away. I went through it and still am going. My oldest is 6 and I still get frusterated becasue its a whole new age full of back talk and miniture attitude that should only becoming from a 16 year old. Noah is lucky to have a mommy like you, don't ever think different.

DeannaBanana

It really impresses me to see all the positive comments. And yes, I read them all and there is not much to add except thank you; you are so human like the rest of us.

Very endearing and very honest. Raw Amalah. It is an absolute pleasure to be an avid reader.

stinkerbell

everyone looses their temper. if they say they dont they are lying... good on you for being brave enough to say out loud that it is ok.
and we ALL feel better after a nap :)

melissa

Le post on gentle discipline is UP!

kalisah

one time, when my son was maybe 9 or 10 months old, the same thing happened to me. He was screaming, I was trying to change him, he wouldn't lay still....I lost my shit and popped him on the leg with my hand.

I was shocked that I'd done it, and I never did it again. I lost my temper and I hit him. I didn't hurt him more than a slight red mark, but I was so glad at that point that I'd made the decision not to spank. If I could lose my temper that one time and hit him - though I'd promised myself I wouldn't - what would I have done to him then if spanking were the norm?

That was my experience.

motherbumper

I've been there and it is so hard. So very, very hard. Thank you for sharing.

Sneadwoman

I have a son with special needs and I have BEEEEEEEN there too.

It happens. We move on. You are human and thank goodness!

Kelly

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Mollie

It happens. I'm glad you got that nap.

xxoo

Lisa B

Yup. Been there. Every stay-at-home mom I know has been there -- the days you tell your hubby to get home NOW or else I WILL put this child out with the garbage. The days where when he comes home, you hand him the baby and can't say anything nicer than "TAKE HIM!"

Yup. Been there.

Velma

I think the thing that was so scary when I first had those flashes of rage was the feeling of *power* it gave me.

You grow up thinking certain things are just unthinkable, that you've learned better and been taught well and that those people you read about who lose control are less evolved than you.

And then, when you find yourself feeling such rage, you realize that you are only a couple deep breaths away from being one of those people.

So yeah, I've been there, too.

bunmaster

You just described my day today to a tee. At least I know I'm not alone. Thanks.

Beth

Like the others have said THANK YOU! it is real and ok, and shitty and we do need to step back sometimes. Way to go Jason for coming home! My question to everyone else is why do we pretend around other mothers that we are perfect!!??? I wish the moms I know could quit faking and get real. It would be healthy for them and the kids. Or is it easier to tell tell the internet than our friends? I wish I wasn't all the way across the country in CA, or I would be over with a bottle of wine in a heartbeat!! and of course my two kids with a LONG Disney movie for them to watch while we were busy talking smack.

Thanks you for you honesty lately!
Beth
PS I have been checking your site first even before DOOCE!!

Casey

THANK.YOU.FOR.EVERY.MOTHER.IN.EXISTENCE.

Jodi

Oh Amy, I've so been there. Just know, you did the right thing. I work for Child welfare, and it's the parents that don't stop and count that end up on my desk.

Here's a trick, we sing, this little piggy went to the market, etc. etc., with my 15 month old on the changing table. He loves it so much he sits for his diaper and clothing changes and now reaches for his toes and does the piggies himself. Hope that helps!

Serenity Now

I'm so glad you posted this - I don't have kids but am a teacher and you'd be shocked at how many times I have to tell myself to "be nice, be nice" during the year. I know when we do have kids the same thing will happen and it's reassuring to hear that other women go through it too. I wonder if men have the same reactions and guilt when they lose it.

You are awesome.

gorillabuns

if we want to beat our kids, what do you think people who don't love them like butter want to do? your reaction is perfectly normal and you did great. i usually go outside and cry like an idiot after i've lost my temper. the neighbors pretty much think i'm nuts due to my daily hysterical outbursts!

Bethany

I don't have kids yet but I do know from stories that I drove my mother to near insanity many times. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a SAHM. It is something that I want one day but am fully aware that things like this WILL happen. I think you handled it very well. Thanks for sharing.

LotionBarBunny

It happens to all of us Amy. And that's the thing, you never hear that it is OK and it's normal. There have been many times when I would just lock myself in the bathroom and cry because I felt guilt for being infuriated with my kids. But it happens, and we get past it.

:) You're not a bad mom.

Just normal. :)

Jodie

Thank you for your honest post. Its days like this that noone wants to talk about but everyone has.

Amy

Your honesty?

Refreshing.

Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It really does happen to the best of us, myself included. (mom to a 1.5 yr. old).

thank you for using your voice that so many people hear to let "us" know we're not alone in this crazy beautiful thing called Parenting.

Sarey

I wanted to post this on the other blog but it was closed :(

Hubby wanted 2 - yes, he is an ONLY CHILD and he was treated like a little adult and missed out on a lot (may not be the case in all families, I know, but it was in his). He missed having to sibling to fight with, enjoy xmas with, etc.
I wanted 3 b/c it always felt right. Plus, we had to fit in a car if we went on vacation - cheaper than van rental(ha ha). Also, my own brother was killed by a drunk driver and now I'm left as an ONLY who is providing the only grandchildren on both sides and have 2 sets of grandparents who are getting older.

So what did we get? I got prego when #1 was 9 mos. They are irish twins - 18 mos apart. And thank God too, b/c last year I had colon cancer and the chemo/radiation put me into menopause. No more babies. I'm so thankful for my two (who are 6 1/2 and 5 now)...

Sarey

And yes, losing your temper is NORMAL! It took you 8 months to get to that point?? That's pretty great!
It sounds like you did all the right things. Keep that in your arsenal (for next time!!!)
Ah, how many times have I called my hubby and put the screaming on speaker phone!

Leah

After I had Chloe and she was all weak and in the NICU and such I had a visit from a woman who I had known for many years (I was her kids' nanny for several years). She gave me good advice:
"One day you will look down at your screaming child and think, 'If I pick you up by your ankles and whack you against the wall just once it will be okay, right?' When you feel that, just walk away. It's normal." :)

Heather

When my son was a few weeks old, he developed a habit of screaming his head off.

Fed? Yup.
Dry? Yup.
Clean? Yup.

Screaming anyway.

I was freaking out. And my MIL called. And asked how were things? And I said fine, dandy, I'm lovin' this mom stuff! And she said...

"You want to throw him out the window, don't you."

And I cried and said yes God yes I do.

She said all moms feel that way, and it's NORMAL.

I made a vow then and there to share both the positive and negative sides of mommyhood. Moms that say they love it every day and never lose their temper and blahblahblah...they are not human. Aliens, sent here to drive us crazy.

PaperGoddess

There are tears in my eyes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hubby is out of town & I'm on my own with a 10 month old.
Thank you.

Kara

I happens at different stages and in different ways.

The only thing to remember is: moms who freak out and hide in closets have babies who grow into hording teens who hang out by the entrances of metro stops.

Please- I hope that made you laugh. Because it seems like you could use a laugh.

Feel better.

xtine

I love that you posted this. I sincerely, 100% do, because it's okay to not be perfect and I'm going to have a hard time coming to terms with that when I have my own child.

Thank you.

Serenity

Amalah...I wish all moms had your strength.

That's all I'm going to say about that.

Amalah

Kara! Hee! I did laugh, thank you.

I want to give the Internet big wet sloppy kisses right now, you know? I mean, I know it's not particularly edgy or publishing-revolutionish to be all about the big group hugs, but MAN. I like the big group hugs.

Don't you?

shannon

Thank you.

Haley-O

It's so good of you to write about this, and so honestly. I know one woman who shook her baby daughter's foot 30 years ago. She often mentions it to her daughter--suggesting she still feels guilty about it. I'm sure it wasn't even a "call-social-services-now" type shake, anyway. But, her daughter (who's now a mother) doesn't fault her mother at all. She knows these things happen, that us new mothers are apt to lose it--if not with our little ones, then with our husbands.

For us new mothers, one of the hardest things to get past is our need to be perfect. We learn via our mistakes. So, you didn't mean to lose your temper, but you know it's normal--it's being imperfect--and that's all part of motherhood!

As for me, when I feel like I'm losing it, I "choose" laughter. I just start laughing (like a madwoman!), and I feel better....It works for me!

Big Gay Sam

The difference between you and someone who actually needs child services called on them?

The ability to walk away.

You're a terrific mother.

BabelBabe

been there, done that. although i actually broke the closet door slamming it. thinking of you.

Crystal

Thank you so much for being so honest about what's it's REALLY like sometimes to be a mom. All of the joy and all of the awful moments. My fiance and I are planning on starting to try around our first wedding anniversary (in 13 months)and I hope to be a mom in 2 years. I get such a fake high from looking at the adorable clothes and the angelic babies in snuglis and strollers that I forget about the realities like you describe. It doesn't make me not want to have kids, but this SO reminds me that it's not all gurgles and powdery smells.

The odd thing is that I'm a teacher and especially now, with 2 weeks left in the year, my temper with my 12 year olds is fraying and there have been moments when I've snapped at kids for asking if they could sharpen their pencil in the middle of my giving a lecture about homework or discussing something that they don't even need a FUCKING pencil for so why can't they just shut up and let me finish what I'm doing?

I applaud you for speaking out loud about this.

I'll echo everyone else and say that I would RUN RUN RUN to the store if you wrote a book about your mommy experiences from pregnancy through whenever...because Amalah...you're honest and if I want anything it's a woman to be straight with me about all of this scary stuff I want (pregnancy, babies and the kids they grow up into)

ReDinkyDink

Oh, you poor thing! I'm so sorry. Your posts always make me wonder what's ahead for Lilly and I.

ReDinkyDink

Oh, you poor thing! I'm so sorry. Your posts always make me wonder what's ahead for Lilly and I.

Jessica

Oh my goodness, I hear you Amy. Because hair is the best thing to swing on, the changing table is for whips, and my son has a serious hangering to see what's on the floor THREE FEET AWAY FROM HIM.

Also, the stove is fun. Let's all play in it and burn our hands.

Lindsay

My baby is 4 months old. Just a few weeks ago, he would NOT go back to sleep after he woke up in the middle of the night. A light bouncing usually settles him down. Well, it wouldn't that night so I just kept doing more and more. My husband woke up and took him away from me. It's amazing how quickly it can escalate. I didn't realize I was "bouncing" him way to much.

Sundry

I screamed "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" at the kitchen wall once, while the boy howled in his bedroom. After I had dumped him in the crib, not exactly gently.

It can be so overwhelming sometimes. Big props to you for talking about it.

Chase

Fantastic post. Bravo, Amy.

nicole

I think that every woman who has ever been a mother has SO been there. xoxo

Isabel

Good for you for knowing your limits.

And thanks for being so honest with us.

Wacky Mommy

Been there, just like the 181 commenters before me. Just don't start gritting your teeth please. Because it makes your jaw hurt and makes you headachey. I know.

Mary Jo

When you get the hate mail about this post, and we all know you will. Remember the rest of these people who feel the same way as you. Thank you for speaking out about the hard side of being "on" all of the time.

Jem

Awwwwwwww thanks for that. I don't have kids, but I absolutely know that I'll go through the same thing someday and it's good to know that I won't be the only one.

Poopydigs

Thanks for your honesty. I have an eight month old, and it's hard to reason with an eight month old. So, anger usually wins.

You-are-so-not-alone.

Maria

Group hugs are great, Amalah!

I'm sending one your way.

Emerald Market Girl

HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY... kidding. I'm just so shocked you haven't gotten any crazies as a result (shocked and happily relieved), that I lost my head for a second.

The other day I lost my temper for the first time at my 2-year-old. I'd been able to hold it together for 2 years, and then all of sudden, she did something unreasonable (you know, like try to climb in my lap -- can you imagine?) and I turned and SCREAMED at her. She looked at me like I had finally gone crazy, and then burst into tears. I felt (and continue to feel) like hammered dog shit about it.

Thing is? You handled it perfectly. You knew you were about to lose it, and you pulled yourself out of the situation. Perfectly.

Hang in there. You're doing great.

K.

lizardek

I love you for this post. Thank you for always being so honest.

ma2one

This is the sure sign that it is time for you to Give your self a break and hire a babysitter a couple of times a week!
Start looking for one today!

Mel

I'll echo what everyone else is saying that it's totally normal. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, no matter how fulfilling it is. In maman's defense, I don't think she was criticizing you for the way you felt, but rather offering a suggestion. I catch myself getting annoyed when my kids sit on the counter while I cook and play with utensils, or take their shoes off in the car, or bang their toys loudly not knowing I have a headache, but I have to remind myself that they're kids. They don't know better and just because it's annoying me doesn't mean they're doing anything wrong. You've got to pick your battles; don't sweat the small stuff; . Not saying it's easy. You'll still lose your temper from time to time. But you'll learn to deal with it, possibly avoid it. I think you handled your crisis well, for what it's worth.

MoMo

Oh, man. It's the worst feeling when that happens, but it sounds like you handled it perfectly. Glad you got through it.

liz

I screamed so crazily at my three kids yesterday that I have no voice today.

Today I like them again :).

You're doing a great job, amalah. We all have our days that suck rocks.

STyme

I was a single parent w/ a 18month old. A woman i worked for taught me this, for when my temper threated to break....

I got a towel, wet it in the tub, twisted it around, grabbed both ends and swung it, hitting the tub and walls of the tub untill my temper was spent...

sounds a bit crazy when i write it, but it helped and my daughter would sit outside the door until i was done...and back to being her mother...

then we usually BOTH took a nap...

Dawn

Thank you for posting this. I had this experience with my daughter on Monday where she was screaming, and I turned around to her (she was in her high chair) and yelled at her to "STOP IT!"

I felt so guilty, but she was just getting under my skin.

Keep posting the real stuff, it helps us out a lot. :)

Katie

Okay, I think you are my long lost twin... I have an 8 month old daughter and I go through this nearly every day! I keep telling my husband that they are going to come take away the kid, or my imaginary parenting license, but he just assures me that it's all just part of parenthood.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one... and that's okay! Thank you so much for being brave enough to give this stuff a voice! :)

Emma

You've described a moment that every mom has experienced. After my first moment I started working out whenever I could feel the pressure building. Taking the baby out on a run or a walk would make us both much happier.

Frema

I'm the oldest of five, and the youngest is now 13. When I was 15, she was almost three, so I babysat. A LOT. And one day I was so frustrated that I grabbed her arms and threw her into the couch. I remember feeling SO ANGRY. So see, even non-moms have bad days.

In present day, just two days ago, I was grocery shopping and, while loading bags into my trunk, a woman was standing outside her car talking with a friend while her toddler was buckled inside. "I hate you" the boy yelled.

"Yeah? Well, I hate you, too," the mom calmly replied.

To me, that's a lot worse than any burst of temper. Keep on keepin' on.

B.J.

Go you with the sensibility! Very good move.

mothergoosemouse

Yes. Tears in my eyes as I remember my own moments of losing my shit. I still lose my shit now and then.

andrea

thank you your post was amazing. I'm 100% petrified of being a stay at home mom when my time comes becuase i don't think i could stop like you.

But at the same time i'm one of 4 so i do know it's totally normal, but that fear is very strong.

thanks again for this wonderful post. Everyone needs to know it happens and it's normal.

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