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May 2006
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July 2006

Catching Up On My Correspondence

Dear Project Fang, the Sequel: You, sir, are an ASSHOLE. So here I am, all happy and joyful that Project Fang, the Original, was through the gums of my preshus baby la la laaaaaa, when I notice that lo, THERE IS ANOTHER TOOTH. TWO TOP TEETH, coming in within MINUTES of each other, both causing ire and misery and woe. Besides the fact that you are refusing to cut all the way through, just to drag out the drama, your appearance now means that I am a mother to a child with two front teeth. Two! Like a grown-up human person! THE FUCKING TEETH HAVE EATEN MY BABY. Hate. That is all. Amy P.S. Tell your neighbor, that damned lateral incisor, that I see him skulking around under Noah's gums and I am just not going to stand for it. Dear Household Swear Mug, *shakes fist* off, Amy Dear Broken Coffee Maker, I hate you. I hate you so very, very much. Undercaffeinatedly yours, Amy Dear Diet Dr. Pepper, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU. COME GIVE US A CUDDLE. Love forever and ever, until you give me cancer or something, Amy Dear Noah, Dancing?... Read more →


This morning Noah woke up all sunshine and giggles and light once again. I fully expect him to poop miniature unicorns and rainbows later -- he's in that good of a mood. It's um, quite a change from the past few days, and completely because a certain tooth -- known in our household as Project Fang -- finally cut through his gums (I'm guessing at the stroke of midnight on 06/07/06 when it failed to successfully bring about Armageddon), and took its rightful place on the top gum, where it shall rule over the smaller, less evil bottom teeth. Amen. Yesterday was an exceedingly weird day -- Noah pretty much screamed non-stop, save for the two hours when the babysitter was here (that's when he was, again, a little darling ball of happy unicorn shit) -- and an entry about fantasizing about bitchslapping an infant got hundreds of completely awesome, wonderful comments and emails (I mean seriously, there is nothing to say but squee! i heart u all! omg!), while ABSOLUTE BATSHIT INSANITY went down over at the ClubMom blog for no particular reason. At one point in the late afternoon, while I was walking that fine line between trying... Read more →

Nobody Tells You

I lost my temper on Friday. I yanked Noah's arm and yelled at him. It took everything I had in me not to shake him. To grab his baby-thin shoulders and shake him until he started behaving like a reasonable fucking person. A person who wouldn't twist over on the diaper table and try to dive-bomb headfirst off the side. A person who wouldn't use my hair as a jungle gym. A person who would take a goddamned nap. And a person who kept his hands out of his own waste. I didn't shake him. I put him in his crib and fled the room. I was shaking like a leaf. I tried counting to 10, but Noah was screaming. I went into the bathroom and turned the water on full blast. I could still hear him. I ended up in my closet, upstairs. I counted to 50. I threw a pair of shoes at the wall. And I've never felt so alienated and cut off in my entire life. I had no one to call -- at least not anyone who could actually show up within a reasonable amount of time to help me. And there was no one... Read more →

Random Monday Recipedown!

Did you know beans fit into a healthy lifestyle? I did, because the large can of Pork & Beans told me so. This statement was later corroborated by three other cans. In fact, you can make beans an even more important part of an even more healthy lifestyle by adding onion (vegetable), ketchup (also a vegetable), mustard (yellow is the new superfood), maple syrup (part of a balanced breakfast) and lemon juice (totally counts as fruit). Feel free to balance out all that crazy healthiness with some brown sugar. Go on. You deserve it. Also: bacon. Lots and lots of bacon. Mmmmmm...bacon. Heat oven to 350F and bake the shit out that bizzitch for an hour or so. Then, in an effort to promote healthy serving sizes, take beans to picnic but leave serving utensils at home, forcing picnic-goers to use twee little plastic spoons to partake of the beany goodness. Congratulations! You are an idiot. Luckily, you are also delicious and do not require a spoon. (Thanks to Paula Deen for the recipe. Thanks to for the picnic. Thanks to My Own Damn Self for not having the sense God gave a fly.) (Full set of picnic photos... Read more →