Weekend Report: I Got Drunk & Accosted Ted Allen
June 26, 2006
So this weekend we continued our pattern of pawning off our young on the sober and attended the DC International Wine & Food Festival, which was very much about the wine, not so much about the food, although there was an entire table devoted to Irish butter, and I have never been so proud of my Irish heritage, because that shit was DELICIOUS.
I am proud to say my wine snobbery has come a long way, as I was able to say shit like, "Hmm, I taste peach with a hint of earth, however, there's entirely too much alcohol on the finish," and people actually nodded instead of tossing their wine in my face and screaming "WRONG! TOTALLY WRONG! YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!"
Of course, they could have just been being polite. Like Ted Allen also was.
OMG! It's Queer Eye for the Drunk Girl! Iron Drunk America!
We spotted him while waiting in the taxi line and I did my patented Amalah Shriek of Dorkitude, alarming Jason and our friends, who were so not impressed That Ted Allen Was Standing Right Over There, He's Totally On Television And Therefore Our Better.
My friend Paul offered to just march up to him and ask for a photo, while I aimed my camera phone in frustration, but I was all, "Please, no, whatever. I really don't care."
Meanwhile, Amy's Heart says, "Oh, but I DO CARE. I care so very, very much."
For the five of you who may still hold a bit of affection in your hearts for the Queer Eye guys (I stopped watching after the episode where Carson said only whores wore red shoes, because I cannot support such lies, such damned damned lies), I am happy to report that Ted looks fucking FANTASTIC, really downright ADORABLE, although he was accompanied by a female WOMAN. (Ted Allen Caught in Heterosexual Scandal! News at 11!)
Ted Allen was also super friendly and polite when I (after repeatedly declining various dares and offers from my friends to go fucking say hi already) suddenly dashed away from our waiting taxi and went right up to him and stuck my hand out and...I don't know. Words came out of my mouth. Words that I don't believe included pauses or breathing or even actual English.
He smiled, shook my hand and said, "Thank you so much. I'm so glad to hear it." And possibly more, but I was already running back to our cab.
Moral of the story: I am a FUCKING ASSHOLE. The End.
See? See what it feels like to have a camera phone shoved in your face, asshole?
Also, TUCK IN YOUR BRA STRAPS. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?